Sunday, April 04, 2010

Meet The Press - April 4, 2010

Christina Romer (Director White House Council of Economic Advisors)
Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT)
Rep. Jane Harman (D-CA)
David Remnick
Richard Stengel

Gregory: wow - America actually had job growth
for the first time since Stupid left office

Romer: not too shabby Fluffy

Gregory: why is unemployment so high?

Romer: because this is the worst
recession in history

Gregory: Bush was that bad huh?

Romer: yes he really was

Gregory: even Democratic Congresspeople
says you’re out of touch

Romer: oh bull - we’ve passed stimulus, cash for cars, tax credits for hiring, home buyer tax credits, no capital gains tax, a tax cut for news versions of “CSI”-

Gregory: some say that stimulus was good
but not good enough

Romer: wow that’s bold

Gregory: people like things that are good

Romer: um yeah

Gregory: some say Obama is anti-business

Romer: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: why should anyone build a factory?!

Romer: gee I don’t know - maybe to build shit
people want?

Gregory: but I heard an anecdote that
Obama’s health plan sucks!

Romer: Calm down Fluffy

Gregory: there are lines around the block to
buy the iPad!

Romer: thank god for steve jobs

Gregory: can we have a recovery fueled by
mindless spending on useless shit?

Romer: if so we might as well send all
our cash to China now

Greogry: shockingly the GOP doesn’t support regulating Wall Street

Romer: stunning indeed

Gregory: is China manipulating their currency?

Romer: maybe

Gregory: yes or no?!?!

Romer: you’re a true idiot

Gregory: should Dems campaign on turning the economy around?

Romer: absolutely - who wouldn’t want to take
credit for 10% unemployment?!

[ break ]

Gregory: OMG the terrorists are attacking in Iraq!

Lieberman: that’s a sign that we’re winning

Gregory: oh?

Lieberman: indeed - but also a sign we should never leave and also that Iran is swarthy and dangerous

Harman: I agree with Joe except it also means we should never leave Afghanistan

Gregory: we have new airport security rules to look for and I quote ‘scary people’

Chertoff: that’s right - but will the Dutch also screen for swarthyness?

Harman: it turns out banning all fliers from 25 nations was kind of stupid

Gregory: oh?

Harman: Jihad Jane - ha!

Gregory: New Yorkers must have their bags inspected because of Chechnya

Lieberman: oh yeah it’s all trains nowadays
- they’re the biggest targets by far

Gregory: that’s frightening

Lieberman: it’s absolutely terrifying Fluffy

Gregory: should we give accused terrorists a
fair trial or a kangaroo court?

Chertoff: if you catch someone in a battlefield then
a fair trial is too difficult

Harman: bullshit - the death eater is wrong

Lieberman: fuck the rule of law - we need the
Rule of War!

Gregory: is that a video game?

Lieberman: yeah it’s awesome

Gregory: the Hutaree are part of greater increase in utter lunatics since Obama divided our nation by becoming President

Lieberman: yes both parties are too blame - we need centrist bipartisanship - but the real threat is that we will pay attention to this and ignore swarthy terrorists

Gregory: that is disturbing

Harman: Hey Joe guess what - these are terrorists with IEDs and everything

Lieberman: they can’t be real terrorists
- they don’t have dark mustaches

Chertoff: the militia nuts are just like animal
rights terrorists

Gregory: oh of course

Chertoff: hey America succumbed to terrorism
in 2001 so why no adopt those tactics

Gregory: what about Iran?

Lieberman: there has never been an expansionist dangerous country with nuclear weapons in history!

Gregory: what about the USSR?

Lieberman: fuck that shit - we have to go
to war!!!

Harman: the real test is what the UN will do - will they pull the trigger or will those fuckers cave again!?!?

Gregory: you seem upset - do you want to go
to war with Iran too?

Harman: no

Gregory: ok

Harman: I want to go to war with Yemen!!!

Gregory: oh my

[ break ]

Gregory: guys Obama is winning but he’s still unpopular

Remnick: well unemployment is still high
- so not too bad

Stengel: 2 weeks ago he was the worst president ever - now he’s the next FDR

Gregory: What kind of President is he?

Remnick: he’s a centrist and conciliator - but he’s going to have to get tough on Iran and the global warming deniers

Stengel: Obama took his eye on the ball which
is the economy

Gregory: that’s genius Ricky

Stengel: not that he can really create jobs anyway

Gregory: he’s too robotic and unfeeling isn’t he?

Remnick: don’t be silly Fluffy - he’s President and a
policymaker not your mother

Gregory: but he gives a me a sad

Remnick: jeebus he just had a huge win Greggers

Gregory: he even reached out to the teabaggers!

Stengel: the teabaggers basically speak for all America when they are disenchanted with government and believe Obama is a New
Guinean witch doctor

Gregory: David is Obama black or white?

Remnick: neither - he’s a Vulcan

Gregory: I see

Remnick: he wants to President of the whole country - even the crazy people

Gregory: lucky for him that’s a majority

Gregory: he always wanted to be a transformational figure

Stengel: he wants to part of a transformation of America where we judge people not by the color of your skin but how smart you are

Gregory: no wonder the teabaggers are so mad

Stengel: Mandela spent his first year not calming blacks down but trying to reassure white people

Gregory: wow he is like Barack

Stengel: Mandela is now freakishly serene and calm - almost as much Obama

Remnick: he sits in meetings and absorbs information and processes it

Gregory: so is he a Vulcan or an android?

Stengel: to succeed he needs to be a more touchy-feely leader

Gregory: they should install an emotion chip

Stengel: indeed although that could be dangerous

Gregory: Obama 2.0!

No comments: