Sen. James Leahy (D-VT)
Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL)
Sec. of State Clinton
Sec. of Defense Gates
Gregory: who should be on the Supreme Court?
Leahy: an Ordinary American who knows what it’s like to live on less than $500,000 a year
Gregory: someone outside the monastery?
Leahy: Celibacy leads to bad things greggers
Gregory: like molesting?
Leahy: that Gregorian Chant CD
Sessions: we need someone who realizes they are subordinate to the Constitution, Jesus Christ, states rights and who totally lacks empathy
Gregory: will this be a big fight?
Sessions: Obama should nominate someone uncontroversial who doesn’t think judges
know the Constitution best
Gregory: Obama must unite the nation by nominating a Corporation to sit on the court
Leahy: this is an activist court Fluffy - they rewrite the laws to pursue a conservative agenda
Gregory: that’s not what I asked - I asked whether Obama should do whatever Republicans want for the good of the nation
Leahy: well then he might as well nominate the most popular person in America - Hurley from Lost
Gregory: he is adorable
Sessions: the person could be on the court for 50 years - they could have something creepy in their backgrounds
Leahy: creepier than Jeff Sessions?
Gregory: good point
Sessions: John Roberts is not an activist - he
just re-writes incorrect laws
Leahy: hey cracker - that’s what activism is
Sessions: someone who believes in welfare is dangerous lunatic who must be stopped
Gregory: Will there be a fillybuster?
Session: we’ll see how radical Obama’s nominee is - Kagan is ok, Bill Ayers is not
Leahy: Calm down Fluffy - 51 Senators can approve a nominee
[ break ]
Gregory: Hillary some say this nuclear treaty weakens American while others say you are war-mongering imperialists
Clinton: we’re willing to reduce our nukes to a level where we can only destroy the earth 1,000 time over
Gregory: Critics say getting of nukes will allow Iran to invade Iowa
Gates: David is it true your head is a flotation device?
Gregory: [ fluffs hair ] what’s to stop North Korea from occupying Wyoming?
Gates: the Grand Tetons
Clinton: Terrorists are more likely to get access to old Soviet nukes which are now in countries with
a GDP of $243.18
Gregory: how comforting
Gregory: Speaking of Iran attacking Indiana
- when do you think that will happen?
Gates: We’re going to kick some Persian ass Fluffy!
Gregory: how so?
Gates: we need a legal platform - we’ll haul them into the People’s court if we have to!
Gregory: definitely time for Judge Wapner
Gregory: Obama’s foreign policy of being nice
has totally failed
Clinton: that is wrong - we are now in a strong position with our new allies like France and our old friends like China
Gregory: Where are the results? Iran still doesn’t have a nuclear bomb!
Clinton: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: but if they had a bomb then you would have no results because they would have a bomb which they don’t yet have
Clinton: truly you have dizzying intellect
Gregory: is it more dangerous to be capable or to actually have weapons?
Clinton: no having weapons is more dangerous stupid
Gregory: Hamid Karzai says America tries to dominate Afghanistan just because we invaded
and occupied the country
Gates: yeah so what?
Gregory: He’s a jerk who doesn’t love America!
Gates: but a snappy dresser
Gates: look his country is occupied - why shouldn’t he be mad?
Clinton: Exactly - the message is Calm. Down. Fluffy.
Gregory: Oh noe!
Clinton: I feel sympathy for Hamid - he’s not used to be attacked by the Taliban or being put on a Worst Dressed List
Gregory: Did Bibi blindside you?
Clinton: I’m not Sandra Bullock!
Gregory: I won’t go there
Clinton: oh that’s cold Fluffers
Gregory: when Health Care reform passed were you pissed or vindicated?
Clinton: I did all the work and he got the credit
- sure I’m thrilled
Gregory: so are you mad?
Clinton: Me, Bush, Nixon - we all did our part
- but I was in the administration that got it done!
Gregory: ok then
[ break ]
Brooks: Justice Stevens was a real old lefty - if Obama wants someone really popular he needs an uneducated angry person who was on
Dancing With the Stars
Ford: I agree with that - I am so angry with populist rage I will move my hands slightly when I talk
Gregory: you work at an investment bank!
Parker: the GOP wants to appear to be open minded but also must reject anyone who isn’t clinically insane
Gregory: Liberals say that this is an activist court and they want a fiery progressive to fight back
Sanger: Obama wants to nominate a non-ideologue to avoid a fight
Gregory: but he attacked the Court in front of Congress!
Brooks: I am unlike most people am deeply in touch with poor people who are mostly lazy
Gregory: Is Obama’s foreign policy a failure?
Sanger: oh yes we’ve been attacked by North Korea and Iran
Gregory: we have?
Ford: Hey don’t underestimate the power of being able to say “I’m not George Bush”
Gregory: But isn’t America doomed?!
Parker: America is exceptional and powerful! Fuck yeah!!
[Waves Foam Finger ]
Brooks: We should undermine the Iranian regime by going on talk shows and mumbling stupid shit
Gregory: I’m with you Bobo
Sanger: the Iranians are wily Persians - what if they get a nuke but never tell anyone or use it?
Gregory: we should be totally terrified!
Sanger: Exactly - they will try to trick us into not being scared by not doing anything scary
- we must not fall for it!
Parker: Suddenly people are loving Karzai - it’s hard on our troops when people don’t love our puppets
Gregory: Just like the final days of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood
Ford: Criminy what do you want to do - act like crazy lunatics and go to war with Iran??
Gregory: Speaking of lunatics - Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin spoke in public this week
Brooks: She’s fun and crazy and good tv but we need to pay attention to normal people like Chris Christie
Gregory: Has Obama got his mojo back?
Parker: no not all at - he’s formidable
Gregory: that’s a yes
Parker: sorry what? [ sips mint julep ]
Written by Culture of Truth