Sunday, April 11, 2010

Meet The Press - April 11, 2010

Sen. James Leahy (D-VT)
Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL)
Sec. of State Clinton
Sec. of Defense Gates
Gregory: who should be on the Supreme Court?

Leahy: an Ordinary American who knows what it’s like to live on less than $500,000 a year

Gregory: someone outside the monastery?

Leahy: Celibacy leads to bad things greggers

Gregory: like molesting?

Leahy: that Gregorian Chant CD

Gregory: hey

Sessions: we need someone who realizes they are subordinate to the Constitution, Jesus Christ, states rights and who totally lacks empathy

Gregory: will this be a big fight?

Sessions: Obama should nominate someone uncontroversial who doesn’t think judges
know the Constitution best

Gregory: Obama must unite the nation by nominating a Corporation to sit on the court

Leahy: this is an activist court Fluffy - they rewrite the laws to pursue a conservative agenda

Gregory: that’s not what I asked - I asked whether Obama should do whatever Republicans want for the good of the nation

Leahy: well then he might as well nominate the most popular person in America - Hurley from Lost

Gregory: he is adorable

Sessions: the person could be on the court for 50 years - they could have something creepy in their backgrounds

Leahy: creepier than Jeff Sessions?

Gregory: good point

Sessions: John Roberts is not an activist - he
just re-writes incorrect laws

Leahy: hey cracker - that’s what activism is

Sessions: someone who believes in welfare is dangerous lunatic who must be stopped

Gregory: Will there be a fillybuster?

Session: we’ll see how radical Obama’s nominee is - Kagan is ok, Bill Ayers is not

Leahy: Calm down Fluffy - 51 Senators can approve a nominee

Gregory: no!

[ break ]

Gregory: Hillary some say this nuclear treaty weakens American while others say you are war-mongering imperialists

Clinton: we’re willing to reduce our nukes to a level where we can only destroy the earth 1,000 time over

Gregory: Critics say getting of nukes will allow Iran to invade Iowa

Gates: David is it true your head is a flotation device?

Gregory: [ fluffs hair ] what’s to stop North Korea from occupying Wyoming?

Gates: the Grand Tetons

Gregory: Tweetons?

Clinton: Terrorists are more likely to get access to old Soviet nukes which are now in countries with
a GDP of $243.18

Gregory: how comforting

Gregory: Speaking of Iran attacking Indiana
- when do you think that will happen?

Gates: We’re going to kick some Persian ass Fluffy!

Gregory: how so?

Gates: we need a legal platform - we’ll haul them into the People’s court if we have to!

Gregory: definitely time for Judge Wapner

Clinton: right

Gregory: Obama’s foreign policy of being nice
has totally failed

Clinton: that is wrong - we are now in a strong position with our new allies like France and our old friends like China

Gregory: Where are the results? Iran still doesn’t have a nuclear bomb!

Clinton: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: but if they had a bomb then you would have no results because they would have a bomb which they don’t yet have

Clinton: truly you have dizzying intellect

Gregory: is it more dangerous to be capable or to actually have weapons?

Clinton: no having weapons is more dangerous stupid

Gregory: Hamid Karzai says America tries to dominate Afghanistan just because we invaded
and occupied the country

Gates: yeah so what?

Gregory: He’s a jerk who doesn’t love America!

Gates: but a snappy dresser

Gregory: true

Gates: look his country is occupied - why shouldn’t he be mad?

Clinton: Exactly - the message is Calm. Down. Fluffy.

Gregory: Oh noe!

Clinton: I feel sympathy for Hamid - he’s not used to be attacked by the Taliban or being put on a Worst Dressed List

Gregory: Did Bibi blindside you?

Clinton: I’m not Sandra Bullock!

Gregory: I won’t go there

Clinton: oh that’s cold Fluffers

Gregory: when Health Care reform passed were you pissed or vindicated?

Clinton: I did all the work and he got the credit
- sure I’m thrilled

Gregory: so are you mad?

Clinton: Me, Bush, Nixon - we all did our part
- but I was in the administration that got it done!

Gregory: ok then

[ break ]

Brooks: Justice Stevens was a real old lefty - if Obama wants someone really popular he needs an uneducated angry person who was on
Dancing With the Stars

Ford: I agree with that - I am so angry with populist rage I will move my hands slightly when I talk

Gregory: you work at an investment bank!

Parker: the GOP wants to appear to be open minded but also must reject anyone who isn’t clinically insane

Gregory: Liberals say that this is an activist court and they want a fiery progressive to fight back

Sanger: Obama wants to nominate a non-ideologue to avoid a fight

Gregory: but he attacked the Court in front of Congress!

Brooks: I am unlike most people am deeply in touch with poor people who are mostly lazy

Gregory: Is Obama’s foreign policy a failure?

Sanger: oh yes we’ve been attacked by North Korea and Iran

Gregory: we have?

Sanger: metaphorically

Ford: Hey don’t underestimate the power of being able to say “I’m not George Bush”

Gregory: But isn’t America doomed?!

Parker: America is exceptional and powerful! Fuck yeah!!
[Waves Foam Finger ]

Brooks: We should undermine the Iranian regime by going on talk shows and mumbling stupid shit

Gregory: I’m with you Bobo

Sanger: the Iranians are wily Persians - what if they get a nuke but never tell anyone or use it?

Gregory: we should be totally terrified!

Sanger: Exactly - they will try to trick us into not being scared by not doing anything scary
- we must not fall for it!

Parker: Suddenly people are loving Karzai - it’s hard on our troops when people don’t love our puppets

Gregory: Just like the final days of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood

Ford: Criminy what do you want to do - act like crazy lunatics and go to war with Iran??

Gregory: Speaking of lunatics - Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin spoke in public this week

Brooks: She’s fun and crazy and good tv but we need to pay attention to normal people like Chris Christie

Gregory: Has Obama got his mojo back?

Parker: no not all at - he’s formidable

Gregory: that’s a yes

Parker: sorry what? [ sips mint julep ]
Written by Culture of Truth


Raul Groom said...

One of the funniest ones ever. Excellent work.

Propagandee said...

Missed this morning's episode of Meet The Bobbleheads. I was going to stay up and watch the 11:00 PM rebroadcast on MSNBC, but you saved me the trouble. Thanks. I can use a little more sleep and a lot less vapidity in my life right now.

Batocchio said...

Sessions: we need someone who realizes they are subordinate to the Constitution, Jesus Christ, states rights and who totally lacks empathy

My favorite part.