Sunday, May 02, 2010

Meet The Press - May 2, 2010

Meet The Press
May 2, 2010
Guests:
Hillary Clinton (Sec. of State)
Gov. Charlie Crist (FL)
Janet Napolitano (Sec. of Homeland Security)
Ken Salazar (Sec. of Interior)
Adm. Thad Allen (Coast Guard)
Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN)
Gov. Jennifer Granholm (D-MI)
Gov. Bill Richardson (D-NM)
Rep. Mike Pence (R-IN)
****************************

Gregory: who tried to destroy Times Square?

Napolitano: Giuliani and Disney

Gregory: was it terrorism?

Napolitano: It wasn’t an invitation
to a birthday party Fluffy

Gregory: scary!

Napolitano: sure

Gregory: it was a big device

Napolitano: it was a few tanks of propane
which fizzled

Gregory: wow!

Gregory: Commander Allen are you going to
stop this fucking oil spill?

Allen: we’re considering stuffing the
hole with BP executives

Gregory: interesting approach

Allen: people seem to like it

Gregory: how bad will it be?

Salazar: really really bad dancing dave

Gregory: but this could ruin the fishing industry

Salazar: ya think!?

Gregory: worse than Exxon Valdez?

Salazar: I’m sure Exxon hopes so

Gregory: are you playing catch up?

Napolitano: no we were treating this like
the former Bush administration - as an
ongoing catastrophe from the start!

Gregory: did BP lie to you?

Napolitano: yes that’s why we only listen to
their robots who cannot mislead a human

Gregory: are you disappointed in BP?

Napolitano: what - just for destroying several
industries and a fragile coastline?

Gregory: is the Arizona law unconstitutional?

Napolitano: just for singling out brown
suspicious people - pshaw!

[ break ]

Gregory: welcome Hillary - should we
stop offshore drilling?

Clinton: we should only drill off red states
- see if they like it

Gregory: Mexico says Arizona will harass
visitors and criminalize being brown

Clinton: I understand people are frustrated but this could lead to profiling funny-looking visitors from New York like Chuck Schumer

Gregory: does it encourage profiling?

Clinton: of course it does!

Gregory: is it unconstitutional?

Clinton: just to ask citizens to carry ID
papers at all times - gee I don’t know

Gregory: the Taliban is winning the Afghan war!

Clinton: that’s only from October through
March of this year

Gregory: we won the war in April?

Clinton: oh yeah everything changed

Gregory: how so?

Clinton: the Taliban paid people to fight but
we can throw money around too

Gregory: cool

Clinton: but they will have to give up their
guns, renounce violence and promise to obey
the Constitution

Gregory: you can’t even get the Tea Party to do that!

Clinton: yes but you can reason with the Taliban

Gregory: should we attack Iran?

Clinton: we may have to - they are violating the NPT!

Gregory: do you think we could have a third
party like they do in the UK?

Clinton: there’s always room for lunatics like John Anderson, Ross Perot, and Joe Lieberman

Gregory: the President of Sudan is a war criminal who is wanted for crimes against humanity

Clinton: well so is George W. Bush and he
has a book coming out

Gregory: yeah but he wasn’t legitimately elected

Clinton: are we talking about Bashir or Bush

Gregory: does it matter?

Gregory: the State Department is working with
the private sector

Clinton: the Shanghai Expo is going to feature the City of the Future with American-made Flying Cars!

Gregory: are you going to stay on the job?

Clinton: sure

Gregory: you don’t want to be on the Supreme Court?

Clinton: oh no - I would strangle Scalia the first week

[ break ]

Gregory: Charlie you pledged loyalty to the GOP
- what happened?

Crist: I had an epiphany over Easter

Gregory: the people hate you

Crist: no that’s just Republicans who vote in primaries - and those people are fucking lunatics

Gregory: will you caucus with the GOP?

Crist: I’ll caucus with myself

Gregory: that’s stupid

Crist: gridlock common sense blah blah

Gregory: would you repeal health care reform?

Crist: sure we have to because we have something
like it in Florida

Gregory: what about carbon dioxide?

Crist: you could stop breathing Greggers

Gregory: ha!

Gregory: should we ban offshore drilling?

Crist: yes - no one likes to bathe in crude

Gregory: drill baby drill?

Crist: that frightens me

Gregory: how can you possibly win?

Crist: if I stop that asshole Rubio that’s win enough

[ break ]

Gregory: Lamar what happened with Crist?

Alexander: running as independent
undermines democracy

Gregory: it does?

Alexander: he’s breaking the rules by not
running as an Republican

Richardson: it’s fun watching the Republican
completely crack up

Pence: no - the real story here is the rise of real conservative values and opposing
spending and borrowing

Gregory: why do you hate Nixon, Ford, Ronald Reagan,
Bush and Bush II?

Pence: no this is the new Republican party -
not like the party for the last 50 years

Gregory: has Obama failed with the BP spill?

Granholm: I heard you were a moron Fluffy -
only you could hear “drill baby drill” for a year and blame Obama

Alexander: the GOP are the real environmentalists - which means we have to keep drilling in the Gulf

Gregory: are you serious?

Alexander: sure it’s already covered in oil so
now is the perfect time

Richardson: we need a national oceans
policy in 2011

Gregory: we could call it Oceans 11

Gregory: is passing racist laws the solution
to our immigration problem?

Granholm: we could do that - or develop an overall solution to immigration, energy and economics

Pence: sure harassing people based on skin color is not a perfect solution but let’s not throw stones at the sad little racists in Arizona

Gregory: what’s your solution?

Pence: easy - build a fence!

Richardson: this is stupid - we need a really big fence - and earned legalization

Alexander: sure we can laugh at the racists in Arizona - but Obama is Commander in Chief and it’s time he started treating Tempe like the hellhole war zone that it is

Gregory: it’s not the heat it’s the stupidity

Alexander: right

******************
posted by Culture of Truth

4 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Gregory: you don’t want to be on the Supreme Court?

Clinton: oh no - I would strangle Scalia the first week


Hillary for Supreme Court!!!!1!
~

Boreas said...

He couldn't even get the Lib Dems name right. I heard he was an idiot.

Rube Goldberg said...

Reading The Translations is my favorite exercise on Sundays. Thanks--as always--for this.

Larkspur said...

Especially fabulous. I heard you were a genius.