Sunday, May 02, 2010

Meet The Press - May 2, 2010

Meet The Press
May 2, 2010
Hillary Clinton (Sec. of State)
Gov. Charlie Crist (FL)
Janet Napolitano (Sec. of Homeland Security)
Ken Salazar (Sec. of Interior)
Adm. Thad Allen (Coast Guard)
Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN)
Gov. Jennifer Granholm (D-MI)
Gov. Bill Richardson (D-NM)
Rep. Mike Pence (R-IN)

Gregory: who tried to destroy Times Square?

Napolitano: Giuliani and Disney

Gregory: was it terrorism?

Napolitano: It wasn’t an invitation
to a birthday party Fluffy

Gregory: scary!

Napolitano: sure

Gregory: it was a big device

Napolitano: it was a few tanks of propane
which fizzled

Gregory: wow!

Gregory: Commander Allen are you going to
stop this fucking oil spill?

Allen: we’re considering stuffing the
hole with BP executives

Gregory: interesting approach

Allen: people seem to like it

Gregory: how bad will it be?

Salazar: really really bad dancing dave

Gregory: but this could ruin the fishing industry

Salazar: ya think!?

Gregory: worse than Exxon Valdez?

Salazar: I’m sure Exxon hopes so

Gregory: are you playing catch up?

Napolitano: no we were treating this like
the former Bush administration - as an
ongoing catastrophe from the start!

Gregory: did BP lie to you?

Napolitano: yes that’s why we only listen to
their robots who cannot mislead a human

Gregory: are you disappointed in BP?

Napolitano: what - just for destroying several
industries and a fragile coastline?

Gregory: is the Arizona law unconstitutional?

Napolitano: just for singling out brown
suspicious people - pshaw!

[ break ]

Gregory: welcome Hillary - should we
stop offshore drilling?

Clinton: we should only drill off red states
- see if they like it

Gregory: Mexico says Arizona will harass
visitors and criminalize being brown

Clinton: I understand people are frustrated but this could lead to profiling funny-looking visitors from New York like Chuck Schumer

Gregory: does it encourage profiling?

Clinton: of course it does!

Gregory: is it unconstitutional?

Clinton: just to ask citizens to carry ID
papers at all times - gee I don’t know

Gregory: the Taliban is winning the Afghan war!

Clinton: that’s only from October through
March of this year

Gregory: we won the war in April?

Clinton: oh yeah everything changed

Gregory: how so?

Clinton: the Taliban paid people to fight but
we can throw money around too

Gregory: cool

Clinton: but they will have to give up their
guns, renounce violence and promise to obey
the Constitution

Gregory: you can’t even get the Tea Party to do that!

Clinton: yes but you can reason with the Taliban

Gregory: should we attack Iran?

Clinton: we may have to - they are violating the NPT!

Gregory: do you think we could have a third
party like they do in the UK?

Clinton: there’s always room for lunatics like John Anderson, Ross Perot, and Joe Lieberman

Gregory: the President of Sudan is a war criminal who is wanted for crimes against humanity

Clinton: well so is George W. Bush and he
has a book coming out

Gregory: yeah but he wasn’t legitimately elected

Clinton: are we talking about Bashir or Bush

Gregory: does it matter?

Gregory: the State Department is working with
the private sector

Clinton: the Shanghai Expo is going to feature the City of the Future with American-made Flying Cars!

Gregory: are you going to stay on the job?

Clinton: sure

Gregory: you don’t want to be on the Supreme Court?

Clinton: oh no - I would strangle Scalia the first week

[ break ]

Gregory: Charlie you pledged loyalty to the GOP
- what happened?

Crist: I had an epiphany over Easter

Gregory: the people hate you

Crist: no that’s just Republicans who vote in primaries - and those people are fucking lunatics

Gregory: will you caucus with the GOP?

Crist: I’ll caucus with myself

Gregory: that’s stupid

Crist: gridlock common sense blah blah

Gregory: would you repeal health care reform?

Crist: sure we have to because we have something
like it in Florida

Gregory: what about carbon dioxide?

Crist: you could stop breathing Greggers

Gregory: ha!

Gregory: should we ban offshore drilling?

Crist: yes - no one likes to bathe in crude

Gregory: drill baby drill?

Crist: that frightens me

Gregory: how can you possibly win?

Crist: if I stop that asshole Rubio that’s win enough

[ break ]

Gregory: Lamar what happened with Crist?

Alexander: running as independent
undermines democracy

Gregory: it does?

Alexander: he’s breaking the rules by not
running as an Republican

Richardson: it’s fun watching the Republican
completely crack up

Pence: no - the real story here is the rise of real conservative values and opposing
spending and borrowing

Gregory: why do you hate Nixon, Ford, Ronald Reagan,
Bush and Bush II?

Pence: no this is the new Republican party -
not like the party for the last 50 years

Gregory: has Obama failed with the BP spill?

Granholm: I heard you were a moron Fluffy -
only you could hear “drill baby drill” for a year and blame Obama

Alexander: the GOP are the real environmentalists - which means we have to keep drilling in the Gulf

Gregory: are you serious?

Alexander: sure it’s already covered in oil so
now is the perfect time

Richardson: we need a national oceans
policy in 2011

Gregory: we could call it Oceans 11

Gregory: is passing racist laws the solution
to our immigration problem?

Granholm: we could do that - or develop an overall solution to immigration, energy and economics

Pence: sure harassing people based on skin color is not a perfect solution but let’s not throw stones at the sad little racists in Arizona

Gregory: what’s your solution?

Pence: easy - build a fence!

Richardson: this is stupid - we need a really big fence - and earned legalization

Alexander: sure we can laugh at the racists in Arizona - but Obama is Commander in Chief and it’s time he started treating Tempe like the hellhole war zone that it is

Gregory: it’s not the heat it’s the stupidity

Alexander: right

posted by Culture of Truth


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Gregory: you don’t want to be on the Supreme Court?

Clinton: oh no - I would strangle Scalia the first week

Hillary for Supreme Court!!!!1!

Boreas said...

He couldn't even get the Lib Dems name right. I heard he was an idiot.

Rube Goldberg said...

Reading The Translations is my favorite exercise on Sundays. Thanks--as always--for this.

Larkspur said...

Especially fabulous. I heard you were a genius.