Meet The Press
May 2, 2010
Hillary Clinton (Sec. of State)
Gov. Charlie Crist (FL)
Janet Napolitano (Sec. of Homeland Security)
Ken Salazar (Sec. of Interior)
Adm. Thad Allen (Coast Guard)
Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN)
Gov. Jennifer Granholm (D-MI)
Gov. Bill Richardson (D-NM)
Rep. Mike Pence (R-IN)
Gregory: who tried to destroy Times Square?
Napolitano: Giuliani and Disney
Gregory: was it terrorism?
Napolitano: It wasn’t an invitation
to a birthday party Fluffy
Gregory: it was a big device
Napolitano: it was a few tanks of propane
Gregory: Commander Allen are you going to
stop this fucking oil spill?
Allen: we’re considering stuffing the
hole with BP executives
Gregory: interesting approach
Allen: people seem to like it
Gregory: how bad will it be?
Salazar: really really bad dancing dave
Gregory: but this could ruin the fishing industry
Salazar: ya think!?
Gregory: worse than Exxon Valdez?
Salazar: I’m sure Exxon hopes so
Gregory: are you playing catch up?
Napolitano: no we were treating this like
the former Bush administration - as an
ongoing catastrophe from the start!
Gregory: did BP lie to you?
Napolitano: yes that’s why we only listen to
their robots who cannot mislead a human
Gregory: are you disappointed in BP?
Napolitano: what - just for destroying several
industries and a fragile coastline?
Gregory: is the Arizona law unconstitutional?
Napolitano: just for singling out brown
suspicious people - pshaw!
[ break ]
Gregory: welcome Hillary - should we
stop offshore drilling?
Clinton: we should only drill off red states
- see if they like it
Gregory: Mexico says Arizona will harass
visitors and criminalize being brown
Clinton: I understand people are frustrated but this could lead to profiling funny-looking visitors from New York like Chuck Schumer
Gregory: does it encourage profiling?
Clinton: of course it does!
Gregory: is it unconstitutional?
Clinton: just to ask citizens to carry ID
papers at all times - gee I don’t know
Gregory: the Taliban is winning the Afghan war!
Clinton: that’s only from October through
March of this year
Gregory: we won the war in April?
Clinton: oh yeah everything changed
Gregory: how so?
Clinton: the Taliban paid people to fight but
we can throw money around too
Clinton: but they will have to give up their
guns, renounce violence and promise to obey
Gregory: you can’t even get the Tea Party to do that!
Clinton: yes but you can reason with the Taliban
Gregory: should we attack Iran?
Clinton: we may have to - they are violating the NPT!
Gregory: do you think we could have a third
party like they do in the UK?
Clinton: there’s always room for lunatics like John Anderson, Ross Perot, and Joe Lieberman
Gregory: the President of Sudan is a war criminal who is wanted for crimes against humanity
Clinton: well so is George W. Bush and he
has a book coming out
Gregory: yeah but he wasn’t legitimately elected
Clinton: are we talking about Bashir or Bush
Gregory: does it matter?
Gregory: the State Department is working with
the private sector
Clinton: the Shanghai Expo is going to feature the City of the Future with American-made Flying Cars!
Gregory: are you going to stay on the job?
Gregory: you don’t want to be on the Supreme Court?
Clinton: oh no - I would strangle Scalia the first week
[ break ]
Gregory: Charlie you pledged loyalty to the GOP
- what happened?
Crist: I had an epiphany over Easter
Gregory: the people hate you
Crist: no that’s just Republicans who vote in primaries - and those people are fucking lunatics
Gregory: will you caucus with the GOP?
Crist: I’ll caucus with myself
Gregory: that’s stupid
Crist: gridlock common sense blah blah
Gregory: would you repeal health care reform?
Crist: sure we have to because we have something
like it in Florida
Gregory: what about carbon dioxide?
Crist: you could stop breathing Greggers
Gregory: should we ban offshore drilling?
Crist: yes - no one likes to bathe in crude
Gregory: drill baby drill?
Crist: that frightens me
Gregory: how can you possibly win?
Crist: if I stop that asshole Rubio that’s win enough
[ break ]
Gregory: Lamar what happened with Crist?
Alexander: running as independent
Gregory: it does?
Alexander: he’s breaking the rules by not
running as an Republican
Richardson: it’s fun watching the Republican
completely crack up
Pence: no - the real story here is the rise of real conservative values and opposing
spending and borrowing
Gregory: why do you hate Nixon, Ford, Ronald Reagan,
Bush and Bush II?
Pence: no this is the new Republican party -
not like the party for the last 50 years
Gregory: has Obama failed with the BP spill?
Granholm: I heard you were a moron Fluffy -
only you could hear “drill baby drill” for a year and blame Obama
Alexander: the GOP are the real environmentalists - which means we have to keep drilling in the Gulf
Gregory: are you serious?
Alexander: sure it’s already covered in oil so
now is the perfect time
Richardson: we need a national oceans
policy in 2011
Gregory: we could call it Oceans 11
Gregory: is passing racist laws the solution
to our immigration problem?
Granholm: we could do that - or develop an overall solution to immigration, energy and economics
Pence: sure harassing people based on skin color is not a perfect solution but let’s not throw stones at the sad little racists in Arizona
Gregory: what’s your solution?
Pence: easy - build a fence!
Richardson: this is stupid - we need a really big fence - and earned legalization
Alexander: sure we can laugh at the racists in Arizona - but Obama is Commander in Chief and it’s time he started treating Tempe like the hellhole war zone that it is
Gregory: it’s not the heat it’s the stupidity
posted by Culture of Truth