Meet The Press
May 2, 2010
Guests:
Hillary Clinton (Sec. of State)
Gov. Charlie Crist (FL)
Janet Napolitano (Sec. of Homeland Security)
Ken Salazar (Sec. of Interior)
Adm. Thad Allen (Coast Guard)
Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN)
Gov. Jennifer Granholm (D-MI)
Gov. Bill Richardson (D-NM)
Rep. Mike Pence (R-IN)
****************************
Gregory: who tried to destroy Times Square?
Napolitano: Giuliani and Disney
Gregory: was it terrorism?
Napolitano: It wasn’t an invitation
to a birthday party Fluffy
Gregory: scary!
Napolitano: sure
Gregory: it was a big device
Napolitano: it was a few tanks of propane
which fizzled
Gregory: wow!
Gregory: Commander Allen are you going to
stop this fucking oil spill?
Allen: we’re considering stuffing the
hole with BP executives
Gregory: interesting approach
Allen: people seem to like it
Gregory: how bad will it be?
Salazar: really really bad dancing dave
Gregory: but this could ruin the fishing industry
Salazar: ya think!?
Gregory: worse than Exxon Valdez?
Salazar: I’m sure Exxon hopes so
Gregory: are you playing catch up?
Napolitano: no we were treating this like
the former Bush administration - as an
ongoing catastrophe from the start!
Gregory: did BP lie to you?
Napolitano: yes that’s why we only listen to
their robots who cannot mislead a human
Gregory: are you disappointed in BP?
Napolitano: what - just for destroying several
industries and a fragile coastline?
Gregory: is the Arizona law unconstitutional?
Napolitano: just for singling out brown
suspicious people - pshaw!
[ break ]
Gregory: welcome Hillary - should we
stop offshore drilling?
Clinton: we should only drill off red states
- see if they like it
Gregory: Mexico says Arizona will harass
visitors and criminalize being brown
Clinton: I understand people are frustrated but this could lead to profiling funny-looking visitors from New York like Chuck Schumer
Gregory: does it encourage profiling?
Clinton: of course it does!
Gregory: is it unconstitutional?
Clinton: just to ask citizens to carry ID
papers at all times - gee I don’t know
Gregory: the Taliban is winning the Afghan war!
Clinton: that’s only from October through
March of this year
Gregory: we won the war in April?
Clinton: oh yeah everything changed
Gregory: how so?
Clinton: the Taliban paid people to fight but
we can throw money around too
Gregory: cool
Clinton: but they will have to give up their
guns, renounce violence and promise to obey
the Constitution
Gregory: you can’t even get the Tea Party to do that!
Clinton: yes but you can reason with the Taliban
Gregory: should we attack Iran?
Clinton: we may have to - they are violating the NPT!
Gregory: do you think we could have a third
party like they do in the UK?
Clinton: there’s always room for lunatics like John Anderson, Ross Perot, and Joe Lieberman
Gregory: the President of Sudan is a war criminal who is wanted for crimes against humanity
Clinton: well so is George W. Bush and he
has a book coming out
Gregory: yeah but he wasn’t legitimately elected
Clinton: are we talking about Bashir or Bush
Gregory: does it matter?
Gregory: the State Department is working with
the private sector
Clinton: the Shanghai Expo is going to feature the City of the Future with American-made Flying Cars!
Gregory: are you going to stay on the job?
Clinton: sure
Gregory: you don’t want to be on the Supreme Court?
Clinton: oh no - I would strangle Scalia the first week
[ break ]
Gregory: Charlie you pledged loyalty to the GOP
- what happened?
Crist: I had an epiphany over Easter
Gregory: the people hate you
Crist: no that’s just Republicans who vote in primaries - and those people are fucking lunatics
Gregory: will you caucus with the GOP?
Crist: I’ll caucus with myself
Gregory: that’s stupid
Crist: gridlock common sense blah blah
Gregory: would you repeal health care reform?
Crist: sure we have to because we have something
like it in Florida
Gregory: what about carbon dioxide?
Crist: you could stop breathing Greggers
Gregory: ha!
Gregory: should we ban offshore drilling?
Crist: yes - no one likes to bathe in crude
Gregory: drill baby drill?
Crist: that frightens me
Gregory: how can you possibly win?
Crist: if I stop that asshole Rubio that’s win enough
[ break ]
Gregory: Lamar what happened with Crist?
Alexander: running as independent
undermines democracy
Gregory: it does?
Alexander: he’s breaking the rules by not
running as an Republican
Richardson: it’s fun watching the Republican
completely crack up
Pence: no - the real story here is the rise of real conservative values and opposing
spending and borrowing
Gregory: why do you hate Nixon, Ford, Ronald Reagan,
Bush and Bush II?
Pence: no this is the new Republican party -
not like the party for the last 50 years
Gregory: has Obama failed with the BP spill?
Granholm: I heard you were a moron Fluffy -
only you could hear “drill baby drill” for a year and blame Obama
Alexander: the GOP are the real environmentalists - which means we have to keep drilling in the Gulf
Gregory: are you serious?
Alexander: sure it’s already covered in oil so
now is the perfect time
Richardson: we need a national oceans
policy in 2011
Gregory: we could call it Oceans 11
Gregory: is passing racist laws the solution
to our immigration problem?
Granholm: we could do that - or develop an overall solution to immigration, energy and economics
Pence: sure harassing people based on skin color is not a perfect solution but let’s not throw stones at the sad little racists in Arizona
Gregory: what’s your solution?
Pence: easy - build a fence!
Richardson: this is stupid - we need a really big fence - and earned legalization
Alexander: sure we can laugh at the racists in Arizona - but Obama is Commander in Chief and it’s time he started treating Tempe like the hellhole war zone that it is
Gregory: it’s not the heat it’s the stupidity
Alexander: right
******************
posted by Culture of Truth
Sunday, May 02, 2010
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Gregory: you don’t want to be on the Supreme Court?
Clinton: oh no - I would strangle Scalia the first week
Hillary for Supreme Court!!!!1!
~
Reading The Translations is my favorite exercise on Sundays. Thanks--as always--for this.
Especially fabulous. I heard you were a genius.
Post a Comment