Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-Louisiana)
Bob Dudley (Managing Director BP)
Colin Powell (Ret. Chair JCS)
Tapper: Bobby what do you need to stop the oil?
Jindal: we local control and permission to
protect the damn beaches!
Tapper: the Coast Guard said Louisiana didn’t
plan for a spill like this
Jindal: come and see the oil on the eggs and the motherfucking pelicans!!
Tapper: why were the booms sitting on the docks?
Jindal: BP was sitting on their fucking asses!
Tapper: are you a socialist or a communist now?
Jindal: I want smaller big government and
bigger small government!!
[ break ]
Tapper: so BP has totally failed to stop pouring
oil into America’s waters
Dudley: true we failed to wrestle the beast -
but we’re heroes for trying!
Tapper: you cut corners to save money and risked destroying precious American resources
Dudley: no that can’t be right since
we do that everywhere
Tapper: but in March the well was failing and then it exploded - what the fuck were you guys doing??
Dudley: we will definitely take a look at that
since we totally didn’t see that coming
Tapper: the well was fucking failing jackass!!
Dudley: uh I think we subcontracted that out to Acme and some coyote
Tapper: well thanks for coming asshole
Tapper: sir you were a general tell us about how states deal with oil spills
Powell: the federal government must move in quickly with decisive force and declare war on oil spills!
Powell: it’s more than BP it’s about people and the government and nice things like that
Tapper: should the military bomb the oil spill?
Powell: sure - we should also get local unemployed fishermen to clean up the spill
Tapper: sounds good
Powell: we gotta get in there and clean it
and do good stuff
Tapper: 17 years ago you said gays were
too icky to fight for America
Powell: yes but the Force is with us now
Powell: since then we’ve had Will & Grace and Sex and the City and of course Frasier and the revelation that General MacArthur was gay
Powell: oh I’ve said too much
Tapper: do you personally hate the gay?
Powell: we have to hear from every officer and they have to agree
Tapper: Operation Fuck Over Afghanistan is 9 years old and reading to enter elementary school
Tapper: this war is not supported by the public
and there is no decisive force
Powell: look I just made that Powell Doctrine shit up one night
Tapper: well it sounds like the mission sucks
Powell: by Obama added 68,000 troops
Tapper: then why does it suck so much?
Powell: because people hate both the Taliban
Tapper: so what do we do?
Powell: we smack out foreheads a year from now and go ‘oh noe we fucked up!’
Tapper: should we pull out of Iraq?
Powell: it’s perfectly safe now with only 10
bombings a day - it’s like Philadelphia in July
Tapper: sounds about right
Powell: we have a big debt - who cares about Iraq?
Tapper: exactly - let’s attack Iran
Powell: right - those wily arabs have been sneaking around for thousands of years!
Powell: who gives a shit Tappy - they’re
brown and scary!
Tapper: so what do we do?
Powell: IAEA inspections and if they violate we bring the hammer down!
Tapper: just like Iraq except then we lie and
start a war anyway
Tapper: you care about education
Powell: I learned the importance of education and how stupidity can ruin America
Tapper: from your youth and life experience?
Powell: no when I served a moron President
Tapper: what does Memorial Day mean to you?
Powell: it reminds me that many Americans gave their lives so the President could lock people up without charges and assassinate Americans