Eric Holder - U.S. Attorney General
Gregory: is the Connecticut MBA bomber
a jihadist from Pakistan?
Holder: the Pakistan Taliban provided the financing and upfront costs for a percentage of the gross
and licensing rights
Gregory: they also brought us the assassination of Benazir Bhutto and the Miley Cyrus movie
Holder: it’s frightening
Gregory: but Janet Napolitano told me he
was a lone wolf!
Holder: she was playing you Fluffy
Gregory: is Pakistan going to help?
Holder: they’d fucking better
Gregory: how did a guy with a MBA become an unethical radical soulless dipshit?
Holder: it’s a mystery
Gregory: how come you didn’t arrest him
before he committed a crime?
Holder: it’s doesn’t work that way Dancing Dave
Gregory: these are homegrown terrorists!
Holder: they are people with clean skins
Gregory: like who use ivory soap?
Holder: yes - also white people
Gregory: why don’t you track all people
who go to Pakistan
Holder: 200,000 people!?
Gregory: yes dammit!
Holder: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: ok just stop the brown people who
travel to Pakistan
Holder: you’re full of bright ideas
Gregory: but you wouldn’t waste time searching
a white woman would you?
Holder: hey I could get arrested for doing that in Alabama
Gregory: why would you give an American citizen Miranda warnings - are you crazy??
Holder: Look first we interrogate, then we torture and after we get the information we want, then we give
Gregory: I’m still scared
Holder: I can tell
Gregory: so you want Congress to pass a law
letting you torture first and give them rights later
Holder: damm right Greggers
Gregory: that’s big news
Holder: correctamundo motherfucker
Gregory: will you buy KSM a house if he’s acquitted?
Holder: no you idiot
Gregory: well that’s hypocrisy
Holder: well it’s not like he’s got a green card stupid
Gregory: but you held a press conference about
the Times Square bomber!
Holder: Calm down Fluffy
Gregory: what’s the holdup with KSM?!?
Holder: dude holding a trial in downtown NYC ain’t like a opening a lemonade stand!
Gregory: Gitmo is still open! FBI agents waste time chasing terrorists! My conditioner is not making my hair silky enough!
Holder: Jesus Christ do you have a fever?
Gregory: is racism over?
Holder: no - look at Arizona
[ break ]
Gregory: hey the Connecticut guy got money
Brooks: this was an international plot involving
three whole canisters of propane!
Moore: it’s hate filled region with very porous border
Gregory: so Afghanistan is just like Arizona
Kay: racial screening can backfire
Dionne: propane scares me - this is real terrorism!
Gregory: but we can’t really stop terror attacks -
and this dude is obviously an idiot
Brooks: coming from you that means a lot
Brooks: exactly - we need not to panic - also repeal the Constitution
Gregory: right - how else can we get the information we need??
Moore: we are a nation of laws - so we need to repeal those laws
Gregory: We’re going to have a Karzai love-fest this week
Kay: he’s going to a ribbon cutting at a Best Buy and be a guest judge on Project Runway
Dionne: I hate the term ‘lawyered up’ - lawyers defend rights for a reason
Gregory: but these are not people suspected of a crime - these are terrorists we need to torture!
Dionne: we should not trash our rights just because some loon bought some propane
Brooks: yes but at some point we should just salute the leader and give him unlimited power
Kay: Bush gave terrorists Miranda rights!
Brooks: well he was wrong - go Obama!
Gregory: Let’s talk about Obama’s mind - go EJ!
Dionne: Obama would like to nominate the person he thinks is best qualified in the whole country to
sit on the Supreme Court
Gregory: who is that?
Kay: Kagan is like a white female Obama - a consensus-seeking centrist
Moore: he needs to nominate someone who take Roberts in the annual SCOTUS Feats of Strength
Gregory: the Utah GOP told Bennett to fuck off
Brooks: his big mistake was to try and get things done - real conservatives hate that
Gregory: the modern Republican party has decided to drive out everyone out is not utterly insane
Brooks: hey TARP was a bad idea but conservatives have to work with liberals - they’re in the minority!
Gregory: everyone is mad at government and Obama sucks
Dionne: the people who are really mad are people who believe in government and don’t like to
see it suck
Dionne: it’s about basic values like rewarding the hard work of lobbyists
Kay: the lesson from Britain is that third-parties fail
Gregory: it’s great theatre
Kay: yes it would funny if it weren’t going to wreck the county
Gregory: and that’s Meet The Press