Bob Dudley (Managing Director BP)
Carol Browner - White House Energy Adviser
Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL)
Fmr. Rep. J.D. Hayworth (R-AZ)
Gregory: so what went wrong dickhead
Dudley: the BP flower is the Mark of the Beast
Gregory: what happened to Top Kill Vol. 2 ?
Dudley: the Smoke Monster attacked us!
Gregory: so will the next step will work?
Dudley: really we have no idea - the robots are charge now
Gregory: when will we learn that your next
effort has failed?
Dudley: we should confirm our next failure in
about seven days
Gregory: how much oil are you spilling into the Gulf?
Dudley: somewhere between A Motherfucking Lot
and a Giant Shitload
Gregory: why so slow?
Dudley: we don’t want to make things worse
Gregory: worse? How could things be worse?
Dudley: our next move will crack the earth’s
crust and unleash the minions of satan from the
depths of hell
Gregory: it seems you are incompetent idiots who ruined America and had no plan at all
Dudley: no we had a plan to deny everything - it worked great until the oil washed up on shore
Gregory: did you lie to everyone
Dudley: look we’re frustrated too - did you know
oil is very slippery?!?
Gregory: I did actually
Dudley: ooh look at the big brain on Greggers
Gregory: should BP CEO Tony Heyward resign for destroying his company and a regional economy
Dudley: Tony Heyward is doing an awesome
job dodging responsibility for wrecking thousands of lives
[ break ]
Gregory: well that was a pretty fucking astonishing interview
Browner: it’s infuriating - this spill is destroying
a whole region
Gregory: what do we do now?
Browner: suck up all the oil with a giant straw
Gregory: who will do that?
Gregory: but he’s not real
Browner: in theory maybe
Gregory: so assuming Superman is fiction the oil
will continue to spill until August of 2015
Browner: in that case the beaches will be re-designated “Free Oil National Park”
Browner: once we capture the oil we can
put the oil on trial
Gregory: how bad is this?
Browner: this is biggest disaster in American history
Gregory: worse than the Civil War or the
Browner: ok biggest environmental disaster
Gregory: so how do we fix it?
Browner: burn it and skim it
Gregory: is Team Obama making a big show
of being in charge?
Browner: make no mistake we’re calling the shots
Gregory: what about that $75 million cap
Browner: fuck that cap - they will pay for the motherfucking damages!
Gregory: the Republicans says Obama isn’t
socialist enough and doesn’t regulate businesses strongly enough
Browner: oh that’s just fucking rich
Gregory: but the spill is Emperor Obama’s fault
Browner: hey Big Business caused this fucking spill and the liberals are going to have clean this up
Gregory: why didn’t Obama tell BP to have a contingency plan when he was inaugurated?
Browner: the tales of your being a moron were
Gregory: but he could have personally reviewed
Browner: look Obama broke up MMS
Gregory: but he should have planned for
a disaster when he was sworn in!
Browner: well he prevented Sarah Palin from becoming VP!
Gregory: maybe 5,000 feet is just too
deep to drill offshore
Browner: yeah maybe!
Gregory: so why don’t stop it?
Browner: we shut down 33 rigs Fluffy!
[ break ]
Gregory: let’s talk about illegal immigration
Gutierrez: we need a holistic approach - hell most so-called illegal immigrants didn’t sneak over - they just overstayed their visa
Hayworth: Soldiers changing oil is cosmetic
Hayworth: it’s not only about Mexicans - it’s all
those other brown people!
Gregory: it’s about American businesses needing and hiring these immigrants
Hayworth: we need soldiers to roam America demanding papers or we will all live in anarchy!!
Gutierrez: we should put employers in jail for hiring illegal immigrants - but immigrants are not going to disappear like Henriquez Potter!
Gregory: people support the Arizona law
Gutierrez: that’s because people are bunch of thick-headed fuckers
Gregory: well sure
Gregory: J.D. how do cops determine reasonable suspicion if not by race?
Hayworth: people are trying to attack Arizona just because they wrote a blatantly racist law - it’s not fair
Gutierrez: the fucking law makes demanding citizenship a requirement JD!!
Gregory: good point
Gutierrez: Latinos fought our wars and they want
to pay taxes and be good citizens!
Hayworth: All we are saying is
Give Racism a Chance
Gregory: you and McCain supported amnesty -
are you two trying to out-crazy each other to win the GOP nomination?
Hayworth: after 9/11 I realized we had to go after Hispanics with soldiers on American streets
Gregory: please bash Obama for me
Gutierrez: I worked with McCain before he went batshit insane
Gregory: well Obama sent 1,200 troops
Gutierrez: whoop de frickin’ doo!
[ break ]
Gregory: this oil spill comes down to one thing:
what does Obama’s daughter want us to do?
Dionne: the real problem is that big companies apparently have no plan in case they totally fuck up
Brooks: this disaster proves that conservatives are right - there are limits to what government can do to fix the disasters caused by conservatives
Gregory: how can Obama let this oil spill continue
Dionne: the lesson here is we need more fucking regulation of oil companies!!
Gregory: incredibly Sestak was offered an unpaid job to leave a political race
Dionne: the lesson here is that Joe Sestak is
kind of a dickhead
Gregory: is that all?
Dionne: also that you’re a moron Fluffy
Gregory: ha ha
Gregory: Tim Pawlenty says economic growth
Dionne: that’s hilarious
Gregory: ha ha