June 6, 2010
Adm. Thad Allen (Cmdr. Coast Guard)
John Kerry (D-MA)
John Cornyn (R-TX)
Tapper: Admiral it seems like half
of America is covered in oil
Tapper: BP claims they are capturing most of the oil
Allen: that’s true unless they are lying
Tapper: uh oh
Tapper: what about using Saudi muslim robots?
Allen: that would never work because
they are not Jesus-approved
Tapper: is there a massive oil spill headed
for my house?
Tapper: oh that’s a relief
Allen: there’s dozens of them
Tapper: have you been too trusting of BP?
Allen: when I ask them for something I get it
Tapper: but they lie to you
Allen: yes I said I get what I want
Tapper: why is this spill so bad?
Allen: it’s really fucking big!
Tapper: why can’t workers talk to the media?
Allen: I issued a directive saying the media has unlimited access except where they don’t
Tapper: Sen. Kerry - in less than a 1,000 words -
has Obama been too trusting of BP?
Kerry: oh no we put out some boats out
and it’s all great
Cornyn: I’m sick of politicians giving big unaccountable corporations too much power!
Kerry: oh that’s rich coming from a party that
put two lunatic oil men in the White House
Cornyn: but it’s been 48 days-
Kerry: hey the biggest brains in the world on top of this - they even lowered Stephen Hawking into the wellhead!
Tapper: He’s got you there turtle-man
Kerry: we import more oil than before 9/11 and India is beating us harnessing the Power of Wind!
Tapper: John Kerry knows about wind doesn't he Cornyn
Cornyn: clean power ideas like nuclear power are great but better environmental policies would
kill the American economy
Tapper: of course
Cornyn: let the Japanese hit home runs - America can bunt and hit singles or better still get hit by a Chinese pitch and draw a walk
Kerry: Babe Ruth didn’t call a motherfucking single! And by the way there are no fucking taxes in the
Tapper: ok let’s move on to something less contentious like Israel killing American citizens
in international waters
Cornyn: oh come on that American provoked Israel by sailing international waters toward another
nation with baby food
Tapper: but Hamas was elected in an election Bush supported
Cornyn: whatever - the ship launched an unprovoked attack on Israel by trying to bring aid into Gaza -
it was like Pearl Harbor with wheelchairs
Tapper: but Hama controls Gaza
Cornyn: but Israel controls the sea
Kerry: Israel has the right to prevent dangerous items from being brought into Gaza
Tapper: what’s dangerous about pasta??
Kerry: hey a fusilli can put your eye out!
Kerry: Iran is trying to start a war in the Middle East
Tapper: attacking aid-bringing ships in international waters will surely put a stop to that
Tapper: Cornyn do you have a double standard for Republicans who lie about their war records
Cornyn: oh no I don’t - but Blumenthal was wrong and Kirk is a great guy who just slipped up claiming he fought alongside Patton in Khe Sanh
Kerry: I should’ve just stayed here and gotten my damm medals out of a cracker jack box
Tapper: Rupert Murdoch told me you did
Kerry: ha that’s funny - oh wait it’s not
Tapper: the BP CEO says he wants his life back - could he be a bigger asshole?
Will: BP has a fiduciary duty be dickish
Cheney: BP should have a daily briefing where they update people on their lies and failures
Tapper: Spike Lee says Obama should at least utter one “motherfucker” in public - it would feel so good
Moulitsas: Obama is so calm people are afraid yet another corporation is going getting away with pillaging America
Huffington: why does anyone trust BP - they have a terrible track record of ties to evil people like dictators in Nigeria, Iran and even Dick Cheney
Cheney: Obama has been dithering on the oil spill just like on terrorism and not torturing people
Huffington: I agree with Liz that Obama should stop dithering and put Dick Cheney on trial for war crimes
Cheney: Hold on a sec-
Will: Obama’s failure to regulate enough proves
that regulation doesn’t work!
Cheney: Obama caused this oil spill and he must clean it up
Huffington: you lying idiot - Dick Cheney deregulated the oil industry and BP wrecked
Cheney: Obama should have stopped them!
Tapper: well he wants to stop offshore oil drilling
Cheney: see he’s an evil job-killing socialist!
Tapper: Hey the Israel National Rappelling Team boarded a ship this week
Cheney: Turkey launched a surprise armed attack on Israel by sailing in international waters with
a boat filled with aid
Moulitsas: look everybody but Deferment Liz knows that Israel totally fucked up
Cheney: Turkey attacked Israel’s ocean
Moulitsas: hey moron Turkey is in NATO and
Israel is not
Will: who cares - the Middle East war will begin soon and then we will have the Rapture and then the Apocalypse
Huffington: People in Gaza are really suffering and Hamas was elected
Tapper: Liz you worked at the State Dept. when Dick supported that election
Cheney: No Dick and I didn’t support that - we wanted to nuke Gaza but we were overruled
Tapper: hey speaking of institutional fuck-ups - this week baseball ruined a perfect game
Will: oh my stars perfection is overrated - look if we start demanding white people get everything right then where will be?
Moulitsas: that will be a slippery slope indeed
Tapper: that sums it up for another episode
of This Week