Tuesday, June 15, 2010

President Barack Oval Office Address - June 14, 2010

President Barack Obama
Oval Office Address to the Nation
Gulf Oil Spill
June 14, 2010

Hi people, it’s me, your President Barack Obama, and I want to talk to y’all about the major disaster facing America. No not the economy or unemployment or the debt or the deficit or
health care or Iraq or Afghanistan or the
fucking Middle East!

Now, as you all know BP’s total incompetence has engulfed the gulf in oil, threatened an entire region, four states, fish, shrimp, oysters, the ocean, the air, the land and probably some fourth dimension
of reality!

This crazy-ass spill has bested the greatest minds in the world, including Stephen Hawking, the kid who won the Spelling Bee and Dr. Chu, who is actually
a Nobel prize-winning android!

But I have good news nation - any day now BP is going capture 90% of the oil spilling out in the ocean! I know cause they told me themselves!

However, truth is this spill will continue for many years, which means I’m going to make those damm British twits pay - even if that means sending BP a strongly-worded letter - we’re at motherfucking war!!

I’ve got top people in charge of this like Admiral Thad Allen - now I know the man may be a little dim but he has great experience facing disasters - he once worked in the Bush administration!

I’ve got 20,000 National Guard ready to help people file lawsuits -- so state governors, activate them already!!

We’re working hard to assist Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana and Florida in this time of crisis -- with any luck they will soon enter the 20th century!!

But let’s get real people - sadly, no matter how effective our response is, we’re under siege from oil and that’s not going to change! I’ve talked to shrimpers, local residents and Alex Trebek and
we are in double fucking jeopardy!

Tomorrow I’m going to meet with that total asshole head of BP and tell him to give me some motherfucking money! And I will get it if I have to wring the scrawny neck of that foppish dick!

But honestly people, the Gulf Coast was in the shitter before all this happened -- but guess what? BP is going to rebuild it and it’s going to be better than fucking ever!

Now we need to make sure this never happens again - which is why need safe offshore drilling which of course we will continue to do! And I ask you, what better way than to have a commission of bald white unemployed men?!?

Speaking of corruption, the MMS showered with oil executives - literally! Yeah I know, it’s icky. Blech! Hey, it turns out we didn’t fire enough Bush appointees! My bad, America! But now I’m really going to kick some damn ass!!

I personally consume billions of gallons of oil each year, frankly it’s fucking delicious. Now Jimmy Carter may be have a cardigan-wearing weenie but people he was proven fucking right! We need to get off oil and get on some of that clean fucking energy! There’s a scary black cloud menacing an entire region and I’m not talking about the goddamm smoke monster!!!

Now is the freaking moment nation! America’s economy will be built on double pane widows - maybe even triple or quadruple!!! Let’s aim high, we’re the goddamn Jesusfied United States
of fucking America!!

Remember when I was a candidate and was all cool and shit? Yeah that was awesome...

Anyway - basically we need clean energy, and I’m happy to listen to Democrats who say we should use wind and solar and have energy efficient cars, and Republicans who say we should return killing to whales for their oil -- those fat lazy fuckers eat
too much anyway!!

To all those Americans with their heads up their asses who say we can’t get off oil and coal and meet the energy challenges of the future -- is that FDR said when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor??

Hells no!!! So shut the fuck up and get with the goddamn program!

I’d like to end this depressing night with a story. I met a man in the Gulf whose name was Bush or Branch or Tree Gump or some other stupid white name and at first I thought he was your average genial dumb guy but it turns out this complete idiot has gotten into some really weird shit all his life but he’s also been incredibly lucky in spite of being patently stupid - and to me that what America is like, a likable optimistic moron stumbling through life who is always sure good things will happen and they usually do even if means terrible things happen to everyone else around him, to which he is oblivious cause he is too busy sitting around saying bizarre nonsensical shit which people act like is brilliant cause he’s a rich white guy.

Anyway, that’s all I had to say. Good bless you
and good night fuckers!!