Meet The Press - May 30, 2010

Guests:
Bob Dudley (Managing Director BP)
Carol Browner - White House Energy Adviser
Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL)
Fmr. Rep. J.D. Hayworth (R-AZ)
David Brooks
E.J. Dionne
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Gregory: so what went wrong dickhead

Dudley: the BP flower is the Mark of the Beast

Gregory: what happened to Top Kill Vol. 2 ?

Dudley: the Smoke Monster attacked us!

Gregory: so will the next step will work?

Dudley: really we have no idea - the robots are charge now

Gregory: when will we learn that your next
effort has failed?

Dudley: we should confirm our next failure in
about seven days

Gregory: how much oil are you spilling into the Gulf?

Dudley: somewhere between A Motherfucking Lot
and a Giant Shitload

Gregory: why so slow?

Dudley: we don’t want to make things worse

Gregory: worse? How could things be worse?

Dudley: our next move will crack the earth’s
crust and unleash the minions of satan from the
depths of hell

Gregory: it seems you are incompetent idiots who ruined America and had no plan at all

Dudley: no we had a plan to deny everything - it worked great until the oil washed up on shore

Gregory: did you lie to everyone

Dudley: look we’re frustrated too - did you know
oil is very slippery?!?

Gregory: I did actually

Dudley: ooh look at the big brain on Greggers

Gregory: should BP CEO Tony Heyward resign for destroying his company and a regional economy

Dudley: Tony Heyward is doing an awesome
job dodging responsibility for wrecking thousands of lives

[ break ]

Gregory: well that was a pretty fucking astonishing interview

Browner: it’s infuriating - this spill is destroying
a whole region

Gregory: what do we do now?

Browner: suck up all the oil with a giant straw

Gregory: who will do that?

Browner: Superman?

Gregory: but he’s not real

Browner: in theory maybe

Gregory: so assuming Superman is fiction the oil
will continue to spill until August of 2015

Browner: in that case the beaches will be re-designated “Free Oil National Park”

Gregory: excellent

Browner: once we capture the oil we can
put the oil on trial

Gregory: how bad is this?

Browner: this is biggest disaster in American history

Gregory: worse than the Civil War or the
Bush administration?

Browner: ok biggest environmental disaster

Gregory: so how do we fix it?

Browner: burn it and skim it

Gregory: is Team Obama making a big show
of being in charge?

Browner: make no mistake we’re calling the shots

Gregory: what about that $75 million cap

Browner: fuck that cap - they will pay for the motherfucking damages!

Gregory: the Republicans says Obama isn’t
socialist enough and doesn’t regulate businesses strongly enough

Browner: oh that’s just fucking rich

Gregory: but the spill is Emperor Obama’s fault

Browner: hey Big Business caused this fucking spill and the liberals are going to have clean this up

Gregory: why didn’t Obama tell BP to have a contingency plan when he was inaugurated?

Browner: the tales of your being a moron were
not exaggerated

Gregory: but he could have personally reviewed
every permit

Browner: look Obama broke up MMS

Gregory: but he should have planned for
a disaster when he was sworn in!

Browner: well he prevented Sarah Palin from becoming VP!

Gregory: maybe 5,000 feet is just too
deep to drill offshore

Browner: yeah maybe!

Gregory: so why don’t stop it?

Browner: we shut down 33 rigs Fluffy!

Gregory: ok

[ break ]

Gregory: let’s talk about illegal immigration

Gutierrez: we need a holistic approach - hell most so-called illegal immigrants didn’t sneak over - they just overstayed their visa

Hayworth: Soldiers changing oil is cosmetic

Gregory: righty-o

Hayworth: it’s not only about Mexicans - it’s all
those other brown people!

Gregory: it’s about American businesses needing and hiring these immigrants

Hayworth: we need soldiers to roam America demanding papers or we will all live in anarchy!!

Gutierrez: we should put employers in jail for hiring illegal immigrants - but immigrants are not going to disappear like Henriquez Potter!

Gregory: people support the Arizona law

Gutierrez: that’s because people are bunch of thick-headed fuckers

Gregory: well sure

Gregory: J.D. how do cops determine reasonable suspicion if not by race?

Hayworth: people are trying to attack Arizona just because they wrote a blatantly racist law - it’s not fair

Gutierrez: the fucking law makes demanding citizenship a requirement JD!!

Gregory: good point

Gutierrez: Latinos fought our wars and they want
to pay taxes and be good citizens!

Hayworth: All we are saying is
Give Racism a Chance

Gregory: you and McCain supported amnesty -
are you two trying to out-crazy each other to win the GOP nomination?

Hayworth: after 9/11 I realized we had to go after Hispanics with soldiers on American streets

Gregory: please bash Obama for me

Gutierrez: I worked with McCain before he went batshit insane

Gregory: well Obama sent 1,200 troops

Gutierrez: whoop de frickin’ doo!

[ break ]

Gregory: this oil spill comes down to one thing:
what does Obama’s daughter want us to do?

Dionne: the real problem is that big companies apparently have no plan in case they totally fuck up

Brooks: this disaster proves that conservatives are right - there are limits to what government can do to fix the disasters caused by conservatives

Gregory: how can Obama let this oil spill continue
to happen??

Dionne: the lesson here is we need more fucking regulation of oil companies!!

Gregory: incredibly Sestak was offered an unpaid job to leave a political race

Dionne: the lesson here is that Joe Sestak is
kind of a dickhead

Gregory: is that all?

Dionne: also that you’re a moron Fluffy

Gregory: ha ha

Gregory: Tim Pawlenty says economic growth
is phony

Dionne: that’s hilarious

Gregory: ha ha

Dionne: moron
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