This Week with Jake Tapper - May 2, 2010

May 2, 2010
Host:
Jake Tapper
Guests:
Janet Napolitano (Sec. of Homeland Security)
Ken Salazar (Sec. of Interior)
Lamar McKay (President BP America)
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Tapper: Janet what can you tell us about the barbecue bomb and how scared should we be?

Napolitano: don’t worry Jake - we’re panicking
so you don’t have to

Tapper: are we going to catch this loser?

Napolitano: oh yes we’re looking for fingerprints
and hired an alienist and everything

Tapper: how concerned should Americans
be about Times Square?

Napolitano: extremely - they have a fucking
Red Lobster and Bubba Gump shrimp there now!

Tapper: my god it’s worse than I thought

[ break ]

Tapper: Hey British Petroleum how’s drilling
and destroying America working out for you?

McKay: not so good actually

Tapper: so what’s your plan for
stopping the spill?

McKay: give us a break - it’s like doing
open-heart surgery in the dark

Tapper: so you need Hawkeye Pierce?

McKay: we need Noah

Tapper: Building a giant ark
seems a bit extreme

McKay: no I mean NOAA

Tapper: Obama recently called BP ‘useless motherfuckers’

McKay: no everyone in the oil industry is rallying around trying to fix this problem

Tapper: oh so even Exxon and Chevron are going
to help stop the spill and clean up the oil?

McKay: no I meant fixing our image problem

Tapper: you ruined a coastline and
thousands of lives just to save a buck

McKay: capitalism baby!

Tapper: you have no idea what you’re
doing do you?

McKay: not fair - no one could have predicted
that an oil platform in the ocean drilling 5,000 feet for oil could spill oil in the water

Tapper: you opposed safety regulations

McKay: safety is our number one priority

Tapper: really?

McKay: well first making money, then drilling
faster and drilling more and exploiting workers
and resources and actually we don’t care about safety at all

[ break ]

Tapper: did you Coast Guard guys drop the ball?

Allen: bullshit - we were all over this Tapper!

Tapper: but you relied too much on BP?

Allen: hells no Tapp!

Tapper: Can BP stop this spill?

Salazar: those assholes - doubtful

Tapper: what’s your plan

Salazar: hope it gets better

Tapper: why didn’t you start burning
the oil right away?

Napolitano: it’s all mother nature’s fault

Tapper: President Obama says oil rigs
are perfectly safe

Salazar: they are!

Tapper: well except for the ongoing catastrophe

Salazar: well sure if you want to nit pick

Tapper: what’s your worst case scenario?

Napolitano: Palin is elected President
and David Gregory is her press secretary

Tapper: no I meant for the spill

Napolitano: oh that - Alabama covered with
3 feet of oil

Tapper: is the Arizona law unconstitutional?

Napolitano: sure but the real lesson
is we need immigration reform

Tapper: Alberto your family came over
with Christopher Columbus

Salazar: they were on the Pinta baby!

Tapper: so how do you feel about the later arrivers

Salazar: anyone who was on the Nina or
Santa Maria is dead to me - dead!

Tapper: ok then
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posted by Culture of Truth