May 2, 2010
Janet Napolitano (Sec. of Homeland Security)
Ken Salazar (Sec. of Interior)
Lamar McKay (President BP America)
Tapper: Janet what can you tell us about the barbecue bomb and how scared should we be?
Napolitano: don’t worry Jake - we’re panicking
so you don’t have to
Tapper: are we going to catch this loser?
Napolitano: oh yes we’re looking for fingerprints
and hired an alienist and everything
Tapper: how concerned should Americans
be about Times Square?
Napolitano: extremely - they have a fucking
Red Lobster and Bubba Gump shrimp there now!
Tapper: my god it’s worse than I thought
[ break ]
Tapper: Hey British Petroleum how’s drilling
and destroying America working out for you?
McKay: not so good actually
Tapper: so what’s your plan for
stopping the spill?
McKay: give us a break - it’s like doing
open-heart surgery in the dark
Tapper: so you need Hawkeye Pierce?
McKay: we need Noah
Tapper: Building a giant ark
seems a bit extreme
McKay: no I mean NOAA
Tapper: Obama recently called BP ‘useless motherfuckers’
McKay: no everyone in the oil industry is rallying around trying to fix this problem
Tapper: oh so even Exxon and Chevron are going
to help stop the spill and clean up the oil?
McKay: no I meant fixing our image problem
Tapper: you ruined a coastline and
thousands of lives just to save a buck
McKay: capitalism baby!
Tapper: you have no idea what you’re
doing do you?
McKay: not fair - no one could have predicted
that an oil platform in the ocean drilling 5,000 feet for oil could spill oil in the water
Tapper: you opposed safety regulations
McKay: safety is our number one priority
McKay: well first making money, then drilling
faster and drilling more and exploiting workers
and resources and actually we don’t care about safety at all
[ break ]
Tapper: did you Coast Guard guys drop the ball?
Allen: bullshit - we were all over this Tapper!
Tapper: but you relied too much on BP?
Allen: hells no Tapp!
Tapper: Can BP stop this spill?
Salazar: those assholes - doubtful
Tapper: what’s your plan
Salazar: hope it gets better
Tapper: why didn’t you start burning
the oil right away?
Napolitano: it’s all mother nature’s fault
Tapper: President Obama says oil rigs
are perfectly safe
Salazar: they are!
Tapper: well except for the ongoing catastrophe
Salazar: well sure if you want to nit pick
Tapper: what’s your worst case scenario?
Napolitano: Palin is elected President
and David Gregory is her press secretary
Tapper: no I meant for the spill
Napolitano: oh that - Alabama covered with
3 feet of oil
Tapper: is the Arizona law unconstitutional?
Napolitano: sure but the real lesson
is we need immigration reform
Tapper: Alberto your family came over
with Christopher Columbus
Salazar: they were on the Pinta baby!
Tapper: so how do you feel about the later arrivers
Salazar: anyone who was on the Nina or
Santa Maria is dead to me - dead!
Tapper: ok then
posted by Culture of Truth