Eric Holder - U.S. Attorney General
Tapper: so what’s up with the MBA bomber?
Holder: he might be connected to the Taliban
Tapper: I thought Pakistan was our friend
Holder: oh they are - we are working closing with them like we are working closely with BP
Tapper: what consequences will they face?
Holder: we will write them a strongly worded letter telling them to clean up their mess
Tapper: I meant Pakistan - not BP
Holder: so did I
Tapper: Propane Boy was on a terror watch list for bringing large sums of cash into America -
why take him off the list?
Holder: dude we *want* people bringing cash into the U.S.!
Tapper: good point
Holder: damm right
Tapper: how the hell did you lose track of this
Holder: he went through the Lincoln tunnel and
the agents didn’t have exact change
Tapper: we only avoided a major terror attack because he was incompetent
Holder: well yeah by that logic we only don’t have terror attacks because we get lucky because people don’t commit attacks
Tapper: isn’t the Constitution an old-fashioned relic? I mean it was written before John McCain was born -
Holder: you’re right - we need to re-write the Constitution to allow for use of thumbscrews for
really bad guys
Tapper: Holy Joe wants to take away citizenship from people he doesn’t like - isn’t he right - after all Obama wants the authority to kill Americans
Holder: yes Obama would assassinate but not take away their citizenship
Tapper: so what would that mean?
Holder: [ pulls gun out ]
they have the right to remain silent - permanently!
Holder: Look we have the right to put people in a gulag and execute them - Sen. Droopy should
Tapper: have Gitmo prisoners rejoined the fight against America?
Holder: we’re going to send them were that
Holder: the island on Lost
Tapper: Are you going to put KSM on trial or what
Holder: we’re going to try him on the People’s Court
Tapper: oh my
Holder: Judge Joe Brown is a badass!
Tapper: you say we’re a nation of cowards because we don’t talk about race - so I dare you to call Arizona a bunch of racists
Holder: damm crackers!
Tapper: will your arrest BP?
Holder: we’re looking at creative options
Tapper: like what?
Holder: it involves tar and feathers
[ break ]
Tapper: Rudy you’re famous and a noted Crazy Person - what would you do with MBA
Giuliani: I would have declared him an enemy combatant, revoked his rights, tortured him for
5 or 6 hours and then never say anything because you know how reticent I am to brag about stopping terrorism
Tapper: so you would repeal the Constitution?
Giuliani: absolutely - look all this political correctness - Major Hasan, the underpants
bomber and now this guy - this is a pattern!
Tapper: what’s the pattern?
Giuliani: [laughs] ha ha ha ha
Tapper: what are you laughing at loony
Giuliani: warning people about their rights makes
Tapper: oh no?
Giuliani: it’s not good policy - we need to torture people right now!!
Tapper: if you say so
Giuliani: [ laughs ] haw haw haw
Tapper: isn’t it glorifying these idiots to call
Giuliani: [ laughs ] we have to crush their testicles and I’d be happy to test the Constitutionality of that!
Tapper: you’re a very strange person, aren’t you?
Giuliani: [ laughs, drinks cup of blood ]
Tapper: isn’t driving Senator Bennett out of the
party out insane?
Giuliani: Obama is driving us to European
Tapper: how so?
Giuliani: like the big bailout of the banks
Tapper: Bush did that
Giuliani: and lending money to car companies for them to turn around and save thousands of jobs
Tapper: anything else?
Giuliani: and national security
Tapper: has Europe been attacked lately?
Giuliani: Europe has been overrun with
brown people - do we really want America to become like that?
Tapper: good luck with that Rudy
Giuliani: [ turns into bat, flies away ]