Thursday, January 31, 2008

Republican Debate, CNN - January 31, 2008

Republican Debate
Simi Valley, California
January 31, 2008
Host: Anderson Cooper
Sen. John McCain
Gov. Mitt Romney
Gov. Mike Huckabee
Rep. Ron Paul

Anderson Cooper: Welcome to the Republican Debate - the only rules are that there are no rules!!!

Cooper: are Americans better off than they were 8 years ago??

Mitt: when i was governor Massachusetts was in a big diggy ditch and we lost jobs for 2 years but now things have grown 1%

Cooper: does Bush suck?

Mitt: of course he does

McCain: no! Americans are much better off we have low inflation-

Cooper: no we don't

McCain: ok let me rephrase that - Bush does suck but that Facebook kid is better off

Cooper: but he's only one 21 years old

McCain: we need to eliminate income taxes and alternative taxes

Cooper: better off or not??

McCain: Yesno

Cooper: thanks for the strait talk

Huckabee: no! we are not better off 8 years ago - but let's put the blame where it belongs - the liberals in Congress who are responsible for the housing crisis and putting groceries on their family

Ron Paul: no we're worse off because we are building an empire and bankrupting the country and the middle class can't support our aristocrats anymore

Hook: Mitt, is McCain a liberal?

Romney: he's a freak - he doesn't want to drill in Alaska or cut high income taxes or put more money into politics

Hook: Oh noes!

Romney: he loves brown illegals and he's having an affair with Joe Lieberman the GOP hates that

Hook: but half the GOP are closeted gays

Romney: yeah but jew and christian hugging -- ick

McCain: i'm not a liberal - I'm proud of helping our little soliders and Governor Thetan over there lost 14% of manufacturing jobs and he raised taxes by 700 billion dollars

Hook: he's got ya there slick

McCain: look radical conservatives like Lindsay Graham and Joe Lieberman support me

Romney: hey rodent face you got your facts wrong my Lt Gov luvs me but some liberals love you and yeah we raised fees

Cooper: snap!

Mitt: facts are stupid things

Huckabee: you want to talk crazy - i'll give you crazy - i want to regulate marriage, uteruses, heck in my state now you can hate gay people over the Internet

Cooper: what about taxes?

Huckabee: i paid to print envelopes asking people to give money voluntarily pay more taxes

Cooper: that's the dumbest stunt i've ever heard of

Huckabee: no it's clever

Cooper: so let's eliminate all taxes and pay for the Iraq that way

Huckster: oh noes!

Romney: the problem with health insurance today is there are too many people driving Cadillacs free riding on welfare in the ER

audience: [yay someone to hate!]

Hook: states rights or corporate rights???

McCain: global warming is sadly real i should know i remember when the earth was this warm before

Hook: but that was 800,000 years ago Senator

McCain: i know that

Hook: what's the answer to global warming

McCain: General Electric

Romney: we buy $1 billion in oil a day which is probably bad

Cooper: Al Gore was right

Romney: but we need to do it without any costs at all - otherwise we should do anything

Cooper: sounds like the GOP all right

Romney: they will move coal plants to China we can't have that

Cooper: oh noes!

Huckabee: the genius of our system is that if California fails other states will take advatage of that to steal their jobs

Cooper: yay!

Huckabee: we have a great system that pits one american against another

Paul: i want to talk about the gold standard and the French and Indian War

Cooper: perhaps another time

Hook: Hucky are you trying to recreate the WPA?

Huckabee: too many people are stuck in traffic because our infrastrucure is crumbling and little piano recitals are being missed

Hook: so so sad

Romney: oh sure building a road sounds like a great idea but it would be expensive so we can't do it

Paul: we blow up bridges overseas and let them fall here - then borrow money from the chinese to rebuild them both

Cooper: what a system

Vandehei: amanda huginkiss has a question

McCain: Paulson has impressed me with his ability to sit down

Vandehei: i want amanda huginkiss

McCain: i'm going to ramble incoherently on the housing crisis for a few minutes

Cooper: go with your strengths

McCain: i love america

Cooper: what else

McCain: it's all psychology just give the american people a happy pill

Hook: are the Bush tax cuts skewed to the wealthy or not

McCain: i will answer that question by citing Jack Kemp and events from 25 years ago

Hook: how impressive

McCain: we spend a lot and if you had done what i wanted to do whaaa whaaa whaaa

Hook: you are a big baby aren't you

Q: some dood from Milwaukee hates anchor babys

Huckabee: i will dodge that but propose an adult responsible answer: a giant 2,000 mile fence

Q: illegal babys dood

Huckabee: send them to the back of the line - we don't do it to be cruel we crush people but only out of love

Q: ah the motto of the Republican Party

Q: deport everyone who is illegal

Romney: well look if the teenagers have summer jobs they can finish them and then go back to mexico

Q: just enough for their employers to hire a new illegal

Romney: don't be silly they will go underground like moroni intended

[ yay!! ]

Hook: Rodentia you for your own proposal before you were against it

McCain: we can argue about how killed who but the important thing is we build a really really big fence and force all Americans to carry around an ID card with their DNA imprinted on it

Hook: or else what

McCain: they will be shot on sight

Cooper: so to confirm - you hate yourself

McCain: fuck you pansy

Cooper: i am holding a precious document: the Reagan diaries - let me read it "today i liberated Auschwitz and ate a jelly bean"

Huckabee: see that proves we should value life even if they have a mental illness

Cooper: Sandra Day O’Connor

Paul: that living document bitch

McCain: did you read that her husband is having an affair with another dood with Alzheimers wow!

Cooper: too bad Reagan is dead what a fairy tale ending that would have been

Nancy: he was banging Maggie but i didn't mind it was in the stars

Ahnold: he'll be back

Cooper: Peggy Noonan says President Stupid destroyed the GOP

Romney: undoubtedly that's true but i blame George Washington

Cooper: Bush is the victim?

Romeny: right he was blindsided when Iraq attacked America and the Dems were asked if it were important if america be declared the winner in our war against desert crazy people and they said no

Hook: is McCain a liar or are you a surrender minky

Romney: all analysts and journalists know that POW John is lying about withdrawing from Iraq but he gets free pass because he was in the Nam - well joy lets elect Chris Walken President

Hook: so you hate America?

Romney: it was lying dirty tricks

McCain: no he said he wanted a timetable and I was prepared to sacrifice any american lives necessary and April was a very interesting year in 2007

Cooper: huh

McCain: they were laying in the weeds

Romeny: why are you lying Senator Senility

McCain: the weeds, the lying

Mitt: what the fuck Chimpmunk

McCain: we were laying in the weeds

Romney: Senator you are a fucking senile idiot

McCain: he was using the buzzwords of hippies and liberals and surrender monkeys

Romeny: hey i received a briefing from Fred Kagan and he explained the Surge would be Awesome

Romney: McCain is lying and every media outlet knows it but he got it out there because he is a fucking liar

McCain: timetables were the buzzword and yeah but my friend you also had a negative ad my friend so you used a heretical buzzword my friend

Paul: holy fuck the two of you are fucking insane could we please debate whether we are even going to have an American Empire

Huckabee: look at me! I'm an expert on Al Qaeda and Iraq!

Cooper: thrill us

Huckabee: we owe it to all US soldier who have died to pretend that it was worth it no matter how many more soldiers have to be killed

McCain: we have to stay in Iraq for 100 years and I am the only one who knew Rumsfeld was a shithead

Cooper: and all Dems, liberals, and bloggers

McCain: yeah but i will bring our troops home with honor

Cooper: but not for 100 years

McCain: right

Hook: what do you think of Putin

Huckabee: since i don't know who that is i will say that i think the air force, navy and army should be strong

Romney: he's from Russia dood

Huck: [slaps forehead] i knew that!

Romney: there are 4 major powers on earth -- Russian, China, al Qeada and the USA

Cooper: ok

Mitt: China is giving nuclear weapons to Iran

Hook: you have no leadership experience

McCain: Romney wants to surrender to islam and he took the strawberries and i could prove it with geometric logic but they took they keys and i know there was a duplicate copy and that's where i got them

Cooper: ok Mittster

Romney: for pete's sake i was a Governor he's led a tiny Senate office and I ran the olympics so i know you hate small businesses but its businesess that provide for the military, not the other way around

Cooper: but he was a POW

Romney: hey i was commader in chief of the Massachusetts military

Cooper: Gay Brigade?

Romeny: i will be a great commander in chief by running a great economy heck i ran Duane Reed

McCain: losts of old fogeys support me

Paul: i will be a great C-in-C because i wil stop the Fed from printing money and i won't send soliders into stupid quagmires around the world

Huckabee: i was Governor for a decade and it's like being a tiny president but people in Washington don't understand how states operate

Cooper: where did all those people in Washington come from anyway

Huckster: i don't know but they hate families with children

Cooper: would Saint Roonie fellate you

Romeny: yes he would hate gays, love fetuses, and would kill brown people and that's what i want to do

Cooper: what else

Romney: he would be selfish, shortsighted, dishonest, and purely phony -- and that's me

McCain: no i'm like Ronald Reagan - he was old and senile and a pandering militarist like me

Paul: Reagan campaigned for me and he told me that no great nation should ever go off the gold standard we are all going to hell

Huckabee: well he is dead and his mind was gone anyway - but i will say this, Reagan was more than just a policy wonk

Cooper: what???

Huckabee: yes he was a terrible president, but he united us in racism and flag waving and crippling self serving bullshit

[ yay!!! ]

Cooper: good night from the Pharonic Airplane Hanger of Doom

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