Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
January 10, 2008
Live from Myrtle Beach dooods!!!
It's party time and we're totally drunk!
Put down those hurricanes and put those t-shirts back on girls - it's the motherfucking presidential debate!
These are fucking republicans and they love it wet and kinky so lets get started with a bitchin national anthem!!
I'm Brit Hume and any candidates who go over time will be tased, bro!!!
Chris Wallace: are we in a recession Mitt?
Romney: we are headed in a recession which are pretty bad I hear
Wallace: your state sucked dood
Romney: fuck you chris - i turned taxachusetts around - i did such a good job it's still happening
Romney: invest in science and green energy and give everyone housing
Wallace: you're like a well-built fit Al Gore
Romney: John Mccain is a poopyhaid
McCain: fuck you i'm going to train a former auto worker for a good job like in real estate or a lucrative field of data entry or corrections officer
Wallace: taxes - mr. tax-raiser?
McCain: no cut spending -- we spend too much money
Wallace: what else?
McCain: the U.S. government is giving $400 billion to brown people who live above our oil
McCain: everyone in Washington hates me because i stab them with a pen that’s why i will get things done
Huckabee: gas is too high demmit
Wallace: i'm doing just fine
Huckabee: yeah but filet mingon costs more - unless your grow it with solar panels
Wallace: oh noes! where do i sign up?
Huckabee: bush has handled the housing crisis just right by not getting involved
Wallace: when he does things do tend to go to shit
Huck: exactly he's learning what his strengths are
Wallace: Rudy - tax cuts don't pay themselves and everyone knows it
Giuliani: if that's true then why did JFK, Reagan, and Bush I and Bush II do it?
Wallace: causes taxes under Kennedy were high and the others were snake oil salesmen?
Giuliani: right but America regulates corporations so much they flee to bounteous economies like the Cayman islands
McCain: i forgot to say i like Bush's tax cuts after all
Wallace: your memory for pandering is failing old man
McCain: spending cuts! spending cuts!
Paul: we're an entering a terrible recession because interests rates were too low and there was easy credit and you know people cannot be trusted with their own money
Paul: Austrian businesses theory
Wallace: Ron Kampf?
Thompson: the experts were all wrong - why on April 15 we got more dollars than ever before
Thompson: always count on the Fed to Do the Right Thing
Wallace: you are rambling shar pei
Carl Cameron: Hucky you dissed Reagan!
Huckabee: i never said that stupid
Cameron: you hurt mah feelins
Huckabee: we left blue collars doods behind by throwing wheelbarrows of money at monocled billionaires
Cameron: you'd think they like that
Huckabee: we need to communicate to people that we don't necessarily hate their guts just because they aren't rich
Cameron: oh fuck
McCain: no he's right - we betrayed our principles - we spend like drunken pedophiles at a GOP convention, denied climate change, handed the government to a bunch of criminals and closeted draft dodgers
Cameron: let's move on yur depressing me
Cameron: Mitt you required all women to have at least one abortion in Massachusetts
Romney: yeah but they courts in that state made me do it
Cameron: r u Reagan?
Romney: he was teh Ultimate Optimist he said families were really good and he did that
Cameron: did what?
Romney: cut taxes on the rich and built lots of nuclear weapons
Cameron: booh ya!!!
Thompson: Huckabee is big fucking liberal and he's like a liberal teacher-loving democrat
Huckabee: i cut taxes and people were protesting me i was so evil
Cameron: can you make a case without quoting George Will?
Guiliani: Ronald Reagan loved me he appointed top MotherFucking Skull Cracker of NY
Rudy: i will oppose terrorism
Cameron: stop the presses
Rudy: i want to destroy government except the skull cracking
Cameron: name a state you can carry
Rudy: Oregon and New Jersey
Cameron: now i know why people tell me you're out of your mind
Cameron: yur supporters are 9/11 Truthers!!
Paul: so what -- a lot of Fox viewers are drooling maniacs
Cameron: but you should divorce them!
Paul: shut up - we've lost privacy and now nation-building and threatening everyone and we're begging the chinese is crashing no wonder no one likes Republicans
[ cheers! ]
Hume: Grrrr shut up Paulistas no one likes you
Hume: American was minding its own business in the sea near Iran and all of a sudden this boat comes near and it's war!!
Huckabee: we should send them to Gate of Hell!
Hume: you sound like a weenie we should have attacked!!
Thompson: no the Captain was right
Hume: you’re all wimps
Thompson: iran was testing up and i hate tests we should kill them so they can finally meet a virgin
Hume: you want to them to meet Red State bloggers?
[ yay! ]
Rudy: we should start a war within Iran just in case there is somebody there that doens't like us - this is a real wake up call
Hume: goddamit will no one second-guess this naval captain and admit that he is a big bill clinton loving gay wimp
McCain: he probably is but when i was with the navy fighting barbary pirates some of the toughest sailors i knew liked a little hunky sweaty love
Paul: this a bunch of gulf of tonkin bullshit jesus christ you all want to start WWIII over a bunch of speedboats - omg the guy was on tv today admitting it was all lies
Hume: wait a minute these guys are all pacificists i'm the only tough one here
Thompson: no hold on -- I'm not going to called passive by some twittish fop named Brit
Romney: this captain did the right thing we need to draw Iran in the circle of friendship
Black Guy: can Republicans win losing a war that's lasted longer than WWII?
McCain: the democrats are sad because only a few soldiers are killed every day Hillary doesn't love Petraeus
Black Guy: you loved Rumsfeld
McCain: no one i always hated him i just supported him
Black guy: r we winning
McCain: peace with honor doods - we should slowly get out bleeding and attack Time magazine
Rudy: first the Palestinians must give up violence and a period of time must go by where no violence ever occurs
Host: uh huh
Rudy: McCain is a big liar
McCain: you are a liar and i hate rumsfeld
Host: well hell we all do
Paul: who give a shit stop - sending money to Arabs so they can buy weapons against Israel and then send $$ to Israel to buy guns against Arabs
Host: sounds perfect to me if you’re Lockheed Martin
McCain: i hate Arabs unlike bad ron paul
Paul: this is what i'm talking about Mccain used to love the Taliban and Saddam and now we're sending guns to the Sunnis and Shias - blowback is coming and its a bitch
McCain: it's the American presence that's the problem
Host: you mean American casualties
McCain: whatever - as long as we occupy someone and support our troops in what the Republicans order them to do
Thompson: the New York Times wants us to be nuked
[ yay! ]
Thompson: demmit my BFF Musharraf loves democracy and that stupid bint Bhutto got herself killed so we need to take control of that county and support our dictator and wink and nod and his fake democracy
Host: what do you want?
Thompson: fuck all muslims
Host: Musharraf doesn't even care about Osama
Romney: foreign policy was checkers under Reagan and now it's 3 dimensional chess
Host: Spock 2008!
Romney: there are a lot of countries in the world so we need to be broad effort the get the islamic world to have more Duane Reeds
Huckabee: ok we lost a few billion but we should offer Musharraf $1 billion to find Osama and stop acting like such a fucktard
Host: but he doesn't control the area where Osama is
Huckster: well fuck him
Host: what else
Huckabee: i love little tiny Israel and all the little imperfect jews with their cute little penises
Paul: you infantalize them - dammit they are not children and why do you want to send weapons to arab nations Huckabee?
Huckabee: but they're so adorable with their false gods
Paul: it's all bullshit
Rudy: no the prime minister of Israel is a close friend of mine and it's defense is of critical importance to the U.S.
Rudy: everyone else hates us
Thompson: allowing Ron Paul to control yet another debate let me say we should send $10 billion to Pakistan so they can use it to torture some dood
Wallace: is it possible that voters want Washington experience?
Romeny: no [robotic laugh]
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Romney: McCain never stopped pork barrel spending and he never will cause he sucks everything i touch changes due to my special magic moroni touch
Host: sounds like an 80s pop song
Wallace: old man you're part of the problem
McCain: no i am change the change was the Surge and the democrats wanted to hand Iraq to Al Qaeda and i saved $6 billion
Host: how much did the Iraq war cost ?
McCain: only $1 trillion - well worth it - ask Jack Abramoff if i changed anything - he's in prison
Host: why is that ?
McCain: hey i'm a liberal blogger I hide it well
Huckabee: i'm not a liberal - when i was governor kids lived in the delta with no roads, no schools and hunted for food
Host: you were governor in the Pleistocene?
Thompsons: heh heh that brings back memories
Host: what's your plan
Thompson: why back in the 1890s we passed a lot of gud ol' bills and passed the Steamboat Act of 1899
Host: you're like a bald wrinkly stupid mark twain
Rudy: i have foreign policy from teh 1970s in the Ford Administration and then I threw Arafat out of NYC when he was visiting the UN and uniltaerally rejected $10 million for the families just so i could grandstand like a big fascist baby
McCain: that is so fucking stupid
Cameron: should women submit to their husbands?
Huckster: well lets have us a church service and pass teh plates hah ha
[ laughs ]
Cameron: just answer the question big guy
Huckster: I am not ashamed of my church's looniness!
Huckabee: men submit too - as unto the Lord
Cameron: you are a genuine liar and complete weirdo
Cameron: you are insane - discuss!
Paul: well sure but i'm more conservative than they are -- i hate spending but love civil liberties and i am an isolationist
Cameron: but teh Empire!
Paul: we borrow money from China to support a dictator in Pakistan?
Cameron: yes we're the motherfucking USA - civil liberties are for unamerican weenies
Hume: gentlemen we've been getting requests for you all to shut the fuck up
McCain: i'm very sorry i promise to hate illegals and put a lot of armed fuckers on the border - now pleez give me the nomination
Host: no you must hate brown people more
McCain: no i will not deport grandmothers or servicemen in Iraq
Host: or both
Host: Mitt McCain does not hate brown people enough does he?
Mitt: no - there are 12 million people who should be sent home or killed or rounded up
Host: who the fuck do you examine 12 million people on a case-by -case basis?
Thompson: why yuh just have a button on teh front of a big ditch which will be ah mile whide
Host: um.... what?
Fred McGruff: all these illegals are votin'
Host: well they're they only ones
Paul: illegals getting free medical care
Viewer: awesome where do i sign up?
Paul: its' all welfarism
Host: well at least your failed campaign will result in weird neologism
Hucksteer: hispanics hate brown people too because they waited in line too
Host: oh sure
Huckseter: we don't have to round people up they will give up voluntarily like in that book
Huckster: no the diary of anne frank
Rudy: murderers don't ask for green cards
Host: well who does?
Rudy: i hate new york city
Host: so do we all
Rudy: you can't have 70,000 urchins on the streets
Host: but what if they broke into song that would be so cute i love it when they do that
Hume: and that's it remember every sperm is sacred and good night from myrtle beach now let's partaayyyy!!!!!!