Thursday, January 10, 2008

Republican Debate - January 10, 2008

Republican Debate
Fox News
Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
January 10, 2008

Live from Myrtle Beach dooods!!!

It's party time and we're totally drunk!

Put down those hurricanes and put those t-shirts back on girls - it's the motherfucking presidential debate!

Democracy rawks!!!

These are fucking republicans and they love it wet and kinky so lets get started with a bitchin national anthem!!


I'm Brit Hume and any candidates who go over time will be tased, bro!!!

Chris Wallace: are we in a recession Mitt?

Romney: we are headed in a recession which are pretty bad I hear

Wallace: your state sucked dood

Romney: fuck you chris - i turned taxachusetts around - i did such a good job it's still happening

Wallace: solution?

Romney: invest in science and green energy and give everyone housing

Wallace: you're like a well-built fit Al Gore

Romney: John Mccain is a poopyhaid

McCain: fuck you i'm going to train a former auto worker for a good job like in real estate or a lucrative field of data entry or corrections officer

Wallace: taxes - mr. tax-raiser?

McCain: no cut spending -- we spend too much money

Wallace: what else?

McCain: the U.S. government is giving $400 billion to brown people who live above our oil

Wallace: really?

McCain: everyone in Washington hates me because i stab them with a pen that’s why i will get things done

Huckabee: gas is too high demmit

Wallace: i'm doing just fine

Huckabee: yeah but filet mingon costs more - unless your grow it with solar panels

Wallace: oh noes! where do i sign up?

Huckabee: bush has handled the housing crisis just right by not getting involved

Wallace: when he does things do tend to go to shit

Huck: exactly he's learning what his strengths are

Wallace: Rudy - tax cuts don't pay themselves and everyone knows it

Giuliani: if that's true then why did JFK, Reagan, and Bush I and Bush II do it?

Wallace: causes taxes under Kennedy were high and the others were snake oil salesmen?

Giuliani: right but America regulates corporations so much they flee to bounteous economies like the Cayman islands

McCain: i forgot to say i like Bush's tax cuts after all

Wallace: your memory for pandering is failing old man

McCain: spending cuts! spending cuts!

Paul: we're an entering a terrible recession because interests rates were too low and there was easy credit and you know people cannot be trusted with their own money

Wallace: answer?

Paul: Austrian businesses theory

Wallace: Ron Kampf?

Thompson: the experts were all wrong - why on April 15 we got more dollars than ever before

Wallace: answer?

Thompson: always count on the Fed to Do the Right Thing

Wallace: you are rambling shar pei

Carl Cameron: Hucky you dissed Reagan!

Huckabee: i never said that stupid

Cameron: you hurt mah feelins

Huckabee: we left blue collars doods behind by throwing wheelbarrows of money at monocled billionaires

Cameron: you'd think they like that

Huckabee: we need to communicate to people that we don't necessarily hate their guts just because they aren't rich

Cameron: oh fuck

McCain: no he's right - we betrayed our principles - we spend like drunken pedophiles at a GOP convention, denied climate change, handed the government to a bunch of criminals and closeted draft dodgers

Cameron: let's move on yur depressing me

Cameron: Mitt you required all women to have at least one abortion in Massachusetts

Romney: yeah but they courts in that state made me do it

Cameron: r u Reagan?

Romney: he was teh Ultimate Optimist he said families were really good and he did that

Cameron: did what?

Romney: cut taxes on the rich and built lots of nuclear weapons

Cameron: booh ya!!!

Thompson: Huckabee is big fucking liberal and he's like a liberal teacher-loving democrat

Huckabee: i cut taxes and people were protesting me i was so evil

Cameron: can you make a case without quoting George Will?

Guiliani: Ronald Reagan loved me he appointed top MotherFucking Skull Cracker of NY

Cameron: awesome

Rudy: i will oppose terrorism

Cameron: stop the presses

Rudy: i want to destroy government except the skull cracking

Cameron: name a state you can carry

Rudy: Oregon and New Jersey

Cameron: now i know why people tell me you're out of your mind

Cameron: yur supporters are 9/11 Truthers!!

Paul: so what -- a lot of Fox viewers are drooling maniacs

Cameron: but you should divorce them!

Paul: shut up - we've lost privacy and now nation-building and threatening everyone and we're begging the chinese is crashing no wonder no one likes Republicans

[ cheers! ]

Hume: Grrrr shut up Paulistas no one likes you

Hume: American was minding its own business in the sea near Iran and all of a sudden this boat comes near and it's war!!

Huckabee: we should send them to Gate of Hell!

Hume: you sound like a weenie we should have attacked!!

Thompson: no the Captain was right

Hume: you’re all wimps

Thompson: iran was testing up and i hate tests we should kill them so they can finally meet a virgin

Hume: you want to them to meet Red State bloggers?

[ yay! ]

Rudy: we should start a war within Iran just in case there is somebody there that doens't like us - this is a real wake up call

Hume: goddamit will no one second-guess this naval captain and admit that he is a big bill clinton loving gay wimp

McCain: he probably is but when i was with the navy fighting barbary pirates some of the toughest sailors i knew liked a little hunky sweaty love

Paul: this a bunch of gulf of tonkin bullshit jesus christ you all want to start WWIII over a bunch of speedboats - omg the guy was on tv today admitting it was all lies

Hume: wait a minute these guys are all pacificists i'm the only tough one here

Thompson: no hold on -- I'm not going to called passive by some twittish fop named Brit

Romney: this captain did the right thing we need to draw Iran in the circle of friendship

Black Guy: can Republicans win losing a war that's lasted longer than WWII?

McCain: the democrats are sad because only a few soldiers are killed every day Hillary doesn't love Petraeus

Black Guy: you loved Rumsfeld

McCain: no one i always hated him i just supported him

Black guy: r we winning

McCain: peace with honor doods - we should slowly get out bleeding and attack Time magazine

Rudy: first the Palestinians must give up violence and a period of time must go by where no violence ever occurs

Host: uh huh

Rudy: McCain is a big liar

McCain: you are a liar and i hate rumsfeld

Host: well hell we all do

Paul: who give a shit stop - sending money to Arabs so they can buy weapons against Israel and then send $$ to Israel to buy guns against Arabs

Host: sounds perfect to me if you’re Lockheed Martin

McCain: i hate Arabs unlike bad ron paul

Paul: this is what i'm talking about Mccain used to love the Taliban and Saddam and now we're sending guns to the Sunnis and Shias - blowback is coming and its a bitch

McCain: it's the American presence that's the problem

Host: you mean American casualties

McCain: whatever - as long as we occupy someone and support our troops in what the Republicans order them to do

Thompson: the New York Times wants us to be nuked

[ yay! ]

Thompson: demmit my BFF Musharraf loves democracy and that stupid bint Bhutto got herself killed so we need to take control of that county and support our dictator and wink and nod and his fake democracy

Host: what do you want?

Thompson: fuck all muslims

Host: Musharraf doesn't even care about Osama

Romney: foreign policy was checkers under Reagan and now it's 3 dimensional chess

Host: Spock 2008!

Romney: there are a lot of countries in the world so we need to be broad effort the get the islamic world to have more Duane Reeds

Huckabee: ok we lost a few billion but we should offer Musharraf $1 billion to find Osama and stop acting like such a fucktard

Host: but he doesn't control the area where Osama is

Huckster: well fuck him

Host: what else

Huckabee: i love little tiny Israel and all the little imperfect jews with their cute little penises

Paul: you infantalize them - dammit they are not children and why do you want to send weapons to arab nations Huckabee?

Huckabee: but they're so adorable with their false gods

Paul: it's all bullshit

Rudy: no the prime minister of Israel is a close friend of mine and it's defense is of critical importance to the U.S.

Host: why?

Rudy: everyone else hates us

Thompson: allowing Ron Paul to control yet another debate let me say we should send $10 billion to Pakistan so they can use it to torture some dood

Host: awesome

Wallace: is it possible that voters want Washington experience?

Romeny: no [robotic laugh]

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Romney: McCain never stopped pork barrel spending and he never will cause he sucks everything i touch changes due to my special magic moroni touch

Host: sounds like an 80s pop song

Wallace: old man you're part of the problem

McCain: no i am change the change was the Surge and the democrats wanted to hand Iraq to Al Qaeda and i saved $6 billion

Host: how much did the Iraq war cost ?

McCain: only $1 trillion - well worth it - ask Jack Abramoff if i changed anything - he's in prison

Host: why is that ?

McCain: hey i'm a liberal blogger I hide it well

Huckabee: i'm not a liberal - when i was governor kids lived in the delta with no roads, no schools and hunted for food

Host: you were governor in the Pleistocene?

Thompsons: heh heh that brings back memories

Host: what's your plan

Thompson: why back in the 1890s we passed a lot of gud ol' bills and passed the Steamboat Act of 1899

Host: you're like a bald wrinkly stupid mark twain

Rudy: i have foreign policy from teh 1970s in the Ford Administration and then I threw Arafat out of NYC when he was visiting the UN and uniltaerally rejected $10 million for the families just so i could grandstand like a big fascist baby

McCain: that is so fucking stupid

Cameron: should women submit to their husbands?

Huckster: well lets have us a church service and pass teh plates hah ha

[ laughs ]

Cameron: just answer the question big guy

Huckster: I am not ashamed of my church's looniness!


Huckabee: men submit too - as unto the Lord

Cameron: you are a genuine liar and complete weirdo

Cameron: you are insane - discuss!

Paul: well sure but i'm more conservative than they are -- i hate spending but love civil liberties and i am an isolationist

Cameron: but teh Empire!

Paul: we borrow money from China to support a dictator in Pakistan?

Cameron: yes we're the motherfucking USA - civil liberties are for unamerican weenies

Hume: gentlemen we've been getting requests for you all to shut the fuck up

Host: illegals!

McCain: i'm very sorry i promise to hate illegals and put a lot of armed fuckers on the border - now pleez give me the nomination

Host: no you must hate brown people more

McCain: no i will not deport grandmothers or servicemen in Iraq

Host: or both

McCain: right!

Host: Mitt McCain does not hate brown people enough does he?

Mitt: no - there are 12 million people who should be sent home or killed or rounded up


Host: who the fuck do you examine 12 million people on a case-by -case basis?

Thompson: why yuh just have a button on teh front of a big ditch which will be ah mile whide

Host: um.... what?

Fred McGruff: all these illegals are votin'

Host: well they're they only ones

Paul: illegals getting free medical care

Viewer: awesome where do i sign up?

Paul: its' all welfarism

Host: well at least your failed campaign will result in weird neologism

Hucksteer: hispanics hate brown people too because they waited in line too

Host: oh sure

Huckseter: we don't have to round people up they will give up voluntarily like in that book

Host: Constitution?

Huckster: no the diary of anne frank

Rudy: murderers don't ask for green cards

Host: well who does?

Rudy: i hate new york city

Host: so do we all

Rudy: you can't have 70,000 urchins on the streets

Host: but what if they broke into song that would be so cute i love it when they do that

Hume: and that's it remember every sperm is sacred and good night from myrtle beach now let's partaayyyy!!!!!!



David said...

Wow, someone translated from debatespeak to English!

Michael Fountain: Blood for Ink said...

I'm agog you were able to make yourself sit through more than five minutes of this. I would have been chewing my own leg off like a coyote in a trap. Or do you have illegals making transcripts that you edit at your leisure?