Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Democratic Debate - January 16, 2008

Democratic Debate
January 16, 2008
Brian Williams
Tim Russert

Williams: Hello I'm Brian Williams and my interests are English leather, hair gel, and Rush Limbaugh. I'm here with the only man with a Buffalo Bills lunchbucket and a house on Martha’s vineyard, and MSNBC hottie Natalie Morales. Let's begin!

Brian Williams: let me open with a tediously long and pretentious question designed to make you to fight each other while sounding I'm weary of the whole thing -- Go!

Clinton: John Edwards is the son of a fucking mill worker and i have ovaries and Obama is half black and we are all family which means we get drunk at holidays even though we hate each other’s guts

Williams: today is a holiday - it's ML King's B-day

Obama: the pretty lady is right - the planet is in peril and the economy is in the shitter and this is after trying putting white guys in charge for 200 years

Williams: yeah but we brought you WWII, the moon landing and NASCAR!

Edwards: i feel for the black man and woman because I'm from the South

Williams: sing it with my own self brother person

Edwards: i was up close to all those kids at the lunchcounters and all that stuff

Russert: Obama are you are a hate-filled black man?

Obama: no i'm not - so i will neither modulate my voice nor move my body at all tonight

Russert: don't stab me scary man you can have my wife

Obama: cool it fathead

Russert: does Hillary hate black people?

Obama: no - anyway she can hate on me but i won in Iowa and if there's a whiter place I haven't seen it

Russert: she won because new hampshire is full of closeted racists

Obama: no - i want to reach out to asians and hispanics and build a beautiful rainbow coalition that will scare the shit out of white america

Russert: Hillary will you please get the fuck rid of that total jackass Robert Johnson?

Clinton: no way - the people need to understand the stakes are really high - in las Vegas there are vast empty gated communities in this blasted shitty desert

Russert: but my questions-

Clinton: suck timmy

Question: what about your life story Mr Handsome

Edwards: i know i am youthfully handsome but i will fight fervently for unions and i believe in that in my soul

Question: you got soul bro but you are handicapped as a white male

Edwards: Dems have always wanted to elect a woman and a black man but i would ask people to please just wait one more time after all Obama is young and Clinton is more polarizing than an electro-magnet

Williams: Obama last time you came across as a condescending prick

Obama: i resent that so i will explain this slowly to you because clearly you are not very bright

Hillary: good one Barack!

Obama: heh you're hip enough Hillary

Williams: i will ask yet another substance free idiotic question do you all admit you ganged up on Hillary

Edwards: that is the dumbest fucking question ever -- were you aware that people are suffering economically and not everyone has a yacht

[audience whacko: ask a race based question on youtube!!!]

Williams: Hillary are you evil??

Clinton: 47 million people are uninsured while Bush begs the Saudis to let him suck their dicks for oil

Williams: damm harsh language madame ovary

Clinton: oh shut up you blow dried pretty boy

Russert: admit it - Obama is pretty cool

Hillary: yeah but i'm tougher

Russert: Obama do you operate like an officer and gentleman

Obama: being president is all about sparking hope and vision and inspiring people

Russert: what else

Obama: sound judgment and hope and mobilizing people

Russert: your strengths and weaknesses - go!!

Obama: i can unite people who hate each other - my greatest weakness is i lose things like i once lost my cocaine stash it was bad

Edwards: my strength is that i am a fighter with guts

Russert: really -because you don't come across that way at all

Edwards: my weakness is that i just care too much about people with dignity and self respect

Russert: good one cutie

Clinton: for 35 years i have fought for children and my church and i have tried to help people and be their champion

Russert: answer my question sister

Clinton: i get impatient because i care so much i would also point out you need to be a good manager and Barack has never done that look at Bush he sucks completely

Russert: do you you have managerial experience??

Clinton: dood you think corralling Bill Clinton is easy?

Russert: good point

Obama: bush's real problem is that he never listens to people who don't already agree that he should have big statue built to him Baghdad

Russert: so hillary was wrong?

Obama: right - she voted with him and Bush's problem is not bureaucratic

Williams: Obama do you hate America and are you a radical muslim??

Obama: oooh the Internet - actually i did once swallowed a bunch of fizzy pops and nearly died

Williams: really wow!!

Obama: no you dumbass

Williams: Citigroup has gone begging to Alaweed and many americans think a bunch of ragheads shouldn't own an american bank

Hillary: these are controlled by foreign governments - the World Bank should get involved

Williams: hmmm

Clinton: these banks were run by a bunch of assholes, crooks and idiots

Williams: you sound shrill

Clinton: we need to be aggressive!

Williams: Kuwait bought an American bank on the blood of young american virgin boys!

Edwards: oh now look who cares so much mr nascar

Williams: save my populist ass man the GOP is killing mah country

Edwards: only if you beg me man

Obama: this is all about oil and Bush's only foreign policy is to put Exxon in charge of the US Navy

Williams: [ hums “In the Navy” ]

Edwards: it's not right for these people to sucked into this kind of debt and jobs are leaving and costs are going up

Williams: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Edwards: the people at the top are doing well

Williams: [perks up]

Edwards: we need a new energy policy and a new minimum wage and put kids in college and that will all be paid for by getting rid of big banks as a fucking intermediary for students loans

Russert: do you regret your Bankruptcy bill vote

Clinton: yes!

Russert: wow really?

Clinton: yeah but luckily I'm no LBJ so it never became law

Russert: heh

Clinton: now let me mimic john edwards and go after high CEO salaries and give a shout out to the black and brown people out there!

Williams: gee calm down lady

Clinton: hey one million people could be homeless and Bush doesn't give a shit and millionaire tv anchors sure don't

Obama: i opposed both of those bills and i submitted a bill a year and half ago to stop all this

Williams: class warfare!

Obama: hey people get sick and we need to help these people

Morales: what about all the poor people paying capital gains???

Obama: well potentially i would let middle income people pay less

Morales: ooh wow

Obama: Warren Buffet pays less tax than his secretary and it's not fair and everyone knows that the game is rigged

Williams: so sad

Morales: Hillary will you makeover mah home?

Clinton: i will geek out now on economic growth and fed policy and my 19 point plan including a state-federal 30 billion dollar fund and-

Morales: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Clinton: -and energy bills and unemployment compensation and green collar jobs and stimulus and tax rebates

Williams: i would remind the candidates that Dennis Kucinich is a cage outside with Stephen Doocy and the same could happen to you

Edwards: Obama why do you Pharmas give you money is it because you're so good looking?

Obama: could be - or because i have a lot of small donors and not PACs and the law i wrote and passed this year regulating lobbyists and i called for public financing while you are outside the system throwing rocks

Clinton: i want to ask Barack Obama to sleep with me because it would kill Bill plus he's hawt

Williams: ha ha

Clinton: no seriously i want to ask Obama to support legislation to bind President Stupid from attacking Iran

Obama: when I'm president I will tell all the Joint Chiefs to get us out of Iraq

Williams: Hillary will you take his pledge?

Clinton: he was supposed to answer my question!

Edwards: well of course I will get out of Iraq

Russert: whoa whoa whoa what about my pledge you all took to guarantee there will no US soldiers there in 5 years

Obama: holy crap you are so dumb -- what is that mayonnaise between your ears?

Hillary: Barack did you hear what McCain said - man you need to read the liberal blogs

Edwards: i will definitely keep troops in Iraq to protect the Embassy

Obama: whoa dood i thought you all into withdraw and shit

Edwards: I don't want combat troops in Iraq i want a bunch of guards surrounding the Green Zone

Russert: will you vigorously enforce our seamen???

Hillary: of course i've worked very hard on this when I was on the Senate Arms and Hands Committee to lubricate bill through the hard asses in Congress

Russert: the top ten schools on Nantucket many hate our little soldiers

Obama: we need more ivy leaguers that will definitely put us over the top in the mountains of Afghanistan

Russert: they are not tough like my blue collar family

Obama: or civilian corps like our State Dept where no one speaks any other languages

Russert: except Bobblespeak

Russert: will you pledge to attack Harvard

Edwards: yes but we treat our veterans shitty we are America they helped us and now it's up to us to help them

Obama: Wounded soldiers have to pay for their own meals and phone calls can you imagine - god Bush is evil

Hillary: i have a 27 point plan to address this issue

Williams: ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz

Clinton: -and more services and mental health and-

Williams: speaking of that i'm reminded of barfing and Yucca mountain

Obama: i will end Yucca mountain

Clinton: as soon as i found out there was an early primary in Nevada i found out the science did not favor it so i voted against Yucca mountain

Obama: you forgot i always opposed it dollface

Edwards: oh screw you agnostics i hate all nuclear power and they are too expensive and terror targets

Russert: dood the Energy bill is Renaissance it's got nuclear power plants named Leonardo and Michelangeo and Donatello

Obama: they don't produce volumes of greenhouse gases unlike certain meet the press anchors i could mention

Clinton: that Energy bill was the Dick Cheney Wealth Act i hate special interests

Russert: you, really?

Clinton: right i love green energy

Williams: why don't you all drop out and endorse Al Gore

Clinton: he lacks my ovaries and Obama's charisma

Russert: Please tell us how the Democrats will save us from devastation after all that's your role in our political system

Edwards: wind, solar, and biofuels bitches!!

Russert: please watch your language

Edwards: no more coal either

Clinton: i have a 53 point energy plan

Williams: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Clinton: and sequester carbon and Apollo program and states and communities and people-

Obama: turn your fucking lights off America and buy a clothesline motherfuckers

Williams: speaking of immigration, shouldn't citizens speaks english???

Edwards: well sure but let's teach them

Russert: you had a supporter who hates on black and hispanics

Clinton: don't be silly Bill and I love the black and brown people

Russert: my god do you two talk politics while you are having sex??

Hillary: yes yes yes !

Russert: hispanics won't vote for blacks right?

Obama: they supported me Brian!

Williams: touche mr. happyness

Morales: speaking of black men what is wrong with them?

Obama: improve K-12

Morales: the vitamin that Roger Clemens took?

Obama: oh my god you're dumb

Williams: heh

Obama: dammit my momma didn't raise no dummy - black fathers are absent believe me i know

Clinton: This is the Black & Brown Debate and I'm not going to let his sob story go by I have 72 point plan to deal with this

Williams: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Edwards: universal pre K and Second Chance Schools!

Russert: the leading cause of death of young black men in Nevada is death!!

Clinton: i hate illegal guns but i'm a realist and young people will always have guns

Russert: but Mike Bloomberg rulz!!!

Clinton: ok so maybe just not have the total mental cases walk around with major firearms

Russert: bad guys!

Hillary: i love teh second amendment

Obama: who doesn't love to hunt fish with an AK-47???

Russert: what happened to the Dems on guns???

Edwards: i love guns and hunters but not super rifles

Williams: Hillary you used Al Qaeda to go after Barack Obama how sleazy

Clinton: it is a fact that dirty muslims want to attack us and like LBJ i have been president for many years and our enemas are relentless

Williams: you are getting shrill again

Clinton: i'm from new york and we have to unite the world behind us and we can't take a risk on some dood from indonesia

Williams: Barack Las Vegas was a primary target in WarGames aren't you terrified???

Obama: I will hire Oprah to help American work through our 9/11 problems and Hillary Rodham Rove over there attacked Iraq because she's a big military hawkish jerk

Russert: Hillary show me your ovaries

Clinton: towel headed monkey bar trained crazy muslims attacked Gordon Brown and forced him to smile against his will

Russert: oh noes

Clinton: we have many enemies

Russert: you called Pervez in Pakistan after Bhutto was killed was that right

Edwards: actually what happened was I had a bet with Musharraf that the Patriots would go undefeated and i said to Musharraf pay up look what happened to Bhutto after she stiffed me on the Rose Bowl

Question: when did you decide to put yourself through this

Hillary: i made the decision in Reno i said it the roulette wheel lands on red i will kill bill and marry my lesbian lover and if it lands on black i will run for president

Edwards: i asked all the people in my family with cancer and without if i should run and they said well okay

Obama: my family knew i could win but they were all like ‘whoa are you sure there is no one else who could do it because you may not be even the best one in this marriage’

Williams: thanks to Patco, 100 black men, Las Vegas and the compulsive gamblers of america

1 comment:

madamab said...

hilarious as usual! :-)