January 16, 2008
Williams: Hello I'm Brian Williams and my interests are English leather, hair gel, and Rush Limbaugh. I'm here with the only man with a Buffalo Bills lunchbucket and a house on Martha’s vineyard, and MSNBC hottie Natalie Morales. Let's begin!
Brian Williams: let me open with a tediously long and pretentious question designed to make you to fight each other while sounding I'm weary of the whole thing -- Go!
Clinton: John Edwards is the son of a fucking mill worker and i have ovaries and Obama is half black and we are all family which means we get drunk at holidays even though we hate each other’s guts
Williams: today is a holiday - it's ML King's B-day
Obama: the pretty lady is right - the planet is in peril and the economy is in the shitter and this is after trying putting white guys in charge for 200 years
Williams: yeah but we brought you WWII, the moon landing and NASCAR!
Edwards: i feel for the black man and woman because I'm from the South
Williams: sing it with my own self brother person
Edwards: i was up close to all those kids at the lunchcounters and all that stuff
Russert: Obama are you are a hate-filled black man?
Obama: no i'm not - so i will neither modulate my voice nor move my body at all tonight
Russert: don't stab me scary man you can have my wife
Obama: cool it fathead
Russert: does Hillary hate black people?
Obama: no - anyway she can hate on me but i won in Iowa and if there's a whiter place I haven't seen it
Russert: she won because new hampshire is full of closeted racists
Obama: no - i want to reach out to asians and hispanics and build a beautiful rainbow coalition that will scare the shit out of white america
Russert: Hillary will you please get the fuck rid of that total jackass Robert Johnson?
Clinton: no way - the people need to understand the stakes are really high - in las Vegas there are vast empty gated communities in this blasted shitty desert
Russert: but my questions-
Clinton: suck timmy
Question: what about your life story Mr Handsome
Edwards: i know i am youthfully handsome but i will fight fervently for unions and i believe in that in my soul
Question: you got soul bro but you are handicapped as a white male
Edwards: Dems have always wanted to elect a woman and a black man but i would ask people to please just wait one more time after all Obama is young and Clinton is more polarizing than an electro-magnet
Williams: Obama last time you came across as a condescending prick
Obama: i resent that so i will explain this slowly to you because clearly you are not very bright
Hillary: good one Barack!
Obama: heh you're hip enough Hillary
Williams: i will ask yet another substance free idiotic question do you all admit you ganged up on Hillary
Edwards: that is the dumbest fucking question ever -- were you aware that people are suffering economically and not everyone has a yacht
[audience whacko: ask a race based question on youtube!!!]
Williams: Hillary are you evil??
Clinton: 47 million people are uninsured while Bush begs the Saudis to let him suck their dicks for oil
Williams: damm harsh language madame ovary
Clinton: oh shut up you blow dried pretty boy
Russert: admit it - Obama is pretty cool
Hillary: yeah but i'm tougher
Russert: Obama do you operate like an officer and gentleman
Obama: being president is all about sparking hope and vision and inspiring people
Russert: what else
Obama: sound judgment and hope and mobilizing people
Russert: your strengths and weaknesses - go!!
Obama: i can unite people who hate each other - my greatest weakness is i lose things like i once lost my cocaine stash it was bad
Edwards: my strength is that i am a fighter with guts
Russert: really -because you don't come across that way at all
Edwards: my weakness is that i just care too much about people with dignity and self respect
Russert: good one cutie
Clinton: for 35 years i have fought for children and my church and i have tried to help people and be their champion
Russert: answer my question sister
Clinton: i get impatient because i care so much i would also point out you need to be a good manager and Barack has never done that look at Bush he sucks completely
Russert: do you you have managerial experience??
Clinton: dood you think corralling Bill Clinton is easy?
Russert: good point
Obama: bush's real problem is that he never listens to people who don't already agree that he should have big statue built to him Baghdad
Russert: so hillary was wrong?
Obama: right - she voted with him and Bush's problem is not bureaucratic
Williams: Obama do you hate America and are you a radical muslim??
Obama: oooh the Internet - actually i did once swallowed a bunch of fizzy pops and nearly died
Williams: really wow!!
Obama: no you dumbass
Williams: Citigroup has gone begging to Alaweed and many americans think a bunch of ragheads shouldn't own an american bank
Hillary: these are controlled by foreign governments - the World Bank should get involved
Clinton: these banks were run by a bunch of assholes, crooks and idiots
Williams: you sound shrill
Clinton: we need to be aggressive!
Williams: Kuwait bought an American bank on the blood of young american virgin boys!
Edwards: oh now look who cares so much mr nascar
Williams: save my populist ass man the GOP is killing mah country
Edwards: only if you beg me man
Obama: this is all about oil and Bush's only foreign policy is to put Exxon in charge of the US Navy
Williams: [ hums “In the Navy” ]
Edwards: it's not right for these people to sucked into this kind of debt and jobs are leaving and costs are going up
Edwards: the people at the top are doing well
Williams: [perks up]
Edwards: we need a new energy policy and a new minimum wage and put kids in college and that will all be paid for by getting rid of big banks as a fucking intermediary for students loans
Russert: do you regret your Bankruptcy bill vote
Russert: wow really?
Clinton: yeah but luckily I'm no LBJ so it never became law
Clinton: now let me mimic john edwards and go after high CEO salaries and give a shout out to the black and brown people out there!
Williams: gee calm down lady
Clinton: hey one million people could be homeless and Bush doesn't give a shit and millionaire tv anchors sure don't
Obama: i opposed both of those bills and i submitted a bill a year and half ago to stop all this
Williams: class warfare!
Obama: hey people get sick and we need to help these people
Morales: what about all the poor people paying capital gains???
Obama: well potentially i would let middle income people pay less
Morales: ooh wow
Obama: Warren Buffet pays less tax than his secretary and it's not fair and everyone knows that the game is rigged
Williams: so sad
Morales: Hillary will you makeover mah home?
Clinton: i will geek out now on economic growth and fed policy and my 19 point plan including a state-federal 30 billion dollar fund and-
Clinton: -and energy bills and unemployment compensation and green collar jobs and stimulus and tax rebates
Williams: i would remind the candidates that Dennis Kucinich is a cage outside with Stephen Doocy and the same could happen to you
Edwards: Obama why do you Pharmas give you money is it because you're so good looking?
Obama: could be - or because i have a lot of small donors and not PACs and the law i wrote and passed this year regulating lobbyists and i called for public financing while you are outside the system throwing rocks
Clinton: i want to ask Barack Obama to sleep with me because it would kill Bill plus he's hawt
Williams: ha ha
Clinton: no seriously i want to ask Obama to support legislation to bind President Stupid from attacking Iran
Obama: when I'm president I will tell all the Joint Chiefs to get us out of Iraq
Williams: Hillary will you take his pledge?
Clinton: he was supposed to answer my question!
Edwards: well of course I will get out of Iraq
Russert: whoa whoa whoa what about my pledge you all took to guarantee there will no US soldiers there in 5 years
Obama: holy crap you are so dumb -- what is that mayonnaise between your ears?
Hillary: Barack did you hear what McCain said - man you need to read the liberal blogs
Edwards: i will definitely keep troops in Iraq to protect the Embassy
Obama: whoa dood i thought you all into withdraw and shit
Edwards: I don't want combat troops in Iraq i want a bunch of guards surrounding the Green Zone
Russert: will you vigorously enforce our seamen???
Hillary: of course i've worked very hard on this when I was on the Senate Arms and Hands Committee to lubricate bill through the hard asses in Congress
Russert: the top ten schools on Nantucket many hate our little soldiers
Obama: we need more ivy leaguers that will definitely put us over the top in the mountains of Afghanistan
Russert: they are not tough like my blue collar family
Obama: or civilian corps like our State Dept where no one speaks any other languages
Russert: except Bobblespeak
Russert: will you pledge to attack Harvard
Edwards: yes but we treat our veterans shitty we are America they helped us and now it's up to us to help them
Obama: Wounded soldiers have to pay for their own meals and phone calls can you imagine - god Bush is evil
Hillary: i have a 27 point plan to address this issue
Clinton: -and more services and mental health and-
Williams: speaking of that i'm reminded of barfing and Yucca mountain
Obama: i will end Yucca mountain
Clinton: as soon as i found out there was an early primary in Nevada i found out the science did not favor it so i voted against Yucca mountain
Obama: you forgot i always opposed it dollface
Edwards: oh screw you agnostics i hate all nuclear power and they are too expensive and terror targets
Russert: dood the Energy bill is Renaissance it's got nuclear power plants named Leonardo and Michelangeo and Donatello
Obama: they don't produce volumes of greenhouse gases unlike certain meet the press anchors i could mention
Clinton: that Energy bill was the Dick Cheney Wealth Act i hate special interests
Russert: you, really?
Clinton: right i love green energy
Williams: why don't you all drop out and endorse Al Gore
Clinton: he lacks my ovaries and Obama's charisma
Russert: Please tell us how the Democrats will save us from devastation after all that's your role in our political system
Edwards: wind, solar, and biofuels bitches!!
Russert: please watch your language
Edwards: no more coal either
Clinton: i have a 53 point energy plan
Clinton: and sequester carbon and Apollo program and states and communities and people-
Obama: turn your fucking lights off America and buy a clothesline motherfuckers
Williams: speaking of immigration, shouldn't citizens speaks english???
Edwards: well sure but let's teach them
Russert: you had a supporter who hates on black and hispanics
Clinton: don't be silly Bill and I love the black and brown people
Russert: my god do you two talk politics while you are having sex??
Hillary: yes yes yes !
Russert: hispanics won't vote for blacks right?
Obama: they supported me Brian!
Williams: touche mr. happyness
Morales: speaking of black men what is wrong with them?
Obama: improve K-12
Morales: the vitamin that Roger Clemens took?
Obama: oh my god you're dumb
Obama: dammit my momma didn't raise no dummy - black fathers are absent believe me i know
Clinton: This is the Black & Brown Debate and I'm not going to let his sob story go by I have 72 point plan to deal with this
Edwards: universal pre K and Second Chance Schools!
Russert: the leading cause of death of young black men in Nevada is death!!
Clinton: i hate illegal guns but i'm a realist and young people will always have guns
Russert: but Mike Bloomberg rulz!!!
Clinton: ok so maybe just not have the total mental cases walk around with major firearms
Russert: bad guys!
Hillary: i love teh second amendment
Obama: who doesn't love to hunt fish with an AK-47???
Russert: what happened to the Dems on guns???
Edwards: i love guns and hunters but not super rifles
Williams: Hillary you used Al Qaeda to go after Barack Obama how sleazy
Clinton: it is a fact that dirty muslims want to attack us and like LBJ i have been president for many years and our enemas are relentless
Williams: you are getting shrill again
Clinton: i'm from new york and we have to unite the world behind us and we can't take a risk on some dood from indonesia
Williams: Barack Las Vegas was a primary target in WarGames aren't you terrified???
Obama: I will hire Oprah to help American work through our 9/11 problems and Hillary Rodham Rove over there attacked Iraq because she's a big military hawkish jerk
Russert: Hillary show me your ovaries
Clinton: towel headed monkey bar trained crazy muslims attacked Gordon Brown and forced him to smile against his will
Russert: oh noes
Clinton: we have many enemies
Russert: you called Pervez in Pakistan after Bhutto was killed was that right
Edwards: actually what happened was I had a bet with Musharraf that the Patriots would go undefeated and i said to Musharraf pay up look what happened to Bhutto after she stiffed me on the Rose Bowl
Question: when did you decide to put yourself through this
Hillary: i made the decision in Reno i said it the roulette wheel lands on red i will kill bill and marry my lesbian lover and if it lands on black i will run for president
Edwards: i asked all the people in my family with cancer and without if i should run and they said well okay
Obama: my family knew i could win but they were all like ‘whoa are you sure there is no one else who could do it because you may not be even the best one in this marriage’
Williams: thanks to Patco, 100 black men, Las Vegas and the compulsive gamblers of america