Sunday, January 06, 2008

New Hampshire Republican Debate - January 5, 2008

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Republican Debate
New Hampshire
ABC
January 5, 2008
Host: Charlie Gibson
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Charlie Gibson: welcome Facebook doods!

This is like, a debate, kids! We've made is easier for you all by weeding out the total loosers like that asshole joe biden, who only has 30 years experience!

Diane Sawyer: thanx so much Charlie - i am so hot!

George Stephanopoulos: this is exciting because one of the candidates will be killed live on stage tonite

Sawyer: Oooooooh that does sound good!

Stephanopoulos: we asked the loosers of new hampshire what they care about!

Voter 1: muslims are coming to nashua to kill my white children!

Voter 2: my boat uses a lot of gas!

Voter 3: my son is in iraq get him the fuck out now!

Sawyer: Oooooohhh

Charlie Gibson: Welcome right-wing psycho candidates i hope yur comfortable in your Lazy Boys

Sawyer: Oooooohhh

Gibson: just pretend it's like a very waspish passover seder

Thompson: whut?

Rudy: ha ha ha i got it

Gibson: First issue - Bush ran against nation-building then for democracy then against democracy and for supporting dictators

Sawyer: Oooooohhh

Gibson: Huckster you hate Bush why?

Huckabee: we told the world we would fuck with them -- now of course we should do that but we shouldn't tell them that -- it's rude and unproductive

McCain: fuck you

Huckabee: i'm talking about Rumsfeld maybe next time we decide what we can do with the army before we attack -- and not the other way around

Thompsons: we're not arrogant!! We're at war with radical islam and we must crush all muslims like we did in Afghanistan

Giuliani: bush was right when he had the foresight to let 9/11 happen and then decided to retaliate - it was fucking brilliant

Gibson: no mistakes?

Rudy: only one - everything between Sept. 2001 and today

Sawyer: Oooooohhh

Gibson: are we weak?

Giuliani: Bill Clinton ruined America and that's why we suck today and we need 300 new ships for the navy

McCain: bush is responsible for protecting america since 9/11 there were no terrorist attacks since then

Gibson: but there were no attacks when Clinton was president and there was one under Bush

McCain: that doesn't count - plus at least bush had a good idea in August of 2007

Gibson: Petraeus?

McCain: best general since General Mills

Ron Paul: Bush ran on a humble foreign policy and of course it was all bullshit and now we're going attack every country on earth - my god it's fucking insane

Gibson: but we're under attack!

Paul: yes but even christians attack us because we offend people --not because we're rich or free

Sawyer: Ooooohhhhh

Romney: you don't understand Islamic Jihad!

Gibson: what about Bush?

Romney: he's a fucking genius and a great man i am in awe of his massive penis

Romney: the role of NATO is destroy all madrassas all around the world

Gibson: that's crazy

Thomspon: i was the show runner for the GOP in the senate and now i would like to relive the Cold War but it's worse now because we have many enemies like terrorists and rouge nations

Gibson: scary

Thomspon: i was attacked by a biological weapon and i didn't even know it gawd my intestines were whacked out

Guiliani: the existence of our women is at stake there are all perverts and our foreign policy has nothing to do with it

Paul: what if China put a military base in New Hampshire

Romney: read Sayid Q-Tip!

Thompson: muslims grrrrrrr

Huckabee: let's get off Ron Paul for a second and point out that unlike Mitt Romney i don't march in lockstep with bush

Gibson: oooh a surrender monkey

Huckabee: hey i hate the caliphate too!

Romney: Governor Huckabee don't attack my policy

Huckabee: which one?

Romney: fuck that's a personal attack!!

Paul: we did they attack America and not the swiss or canada -because we give them a reason

Romney: or luxembourg!

Rudy: i love muslims and islams and i want to trade them

Paul: so why do we support their dictators???

Rudy: I can't hear you

Bush: what are you core principles

McCain: i was sailor and a pow and i want all americans to serve 7 years in a foreign prison camp and now i am finally old enough to say before all of you: vote for me or fuck you all!

Romney: i discussed running for office with my 5 idiot sons and my 5 wives and they convinced me that we face such great challenges that America needs an inexperienced flip-flopping businessman from a bizarre cult -- finally I would like to say read Battlefield Earth it's all in there!

Guiliani: i wrote a book exploiting 9/11 explaining my principles like attacking minorities and solve health care by attacking minorities and appoint judges that hate minorities...

Gibson: okay okay Rudy we get it

Are you you are all flip-floppers?

Rudy: no you are confused my beliefs never change but my policies do -- for example i believe i should have massive power the rest is empty

Huckabee: allow me to point out I am follower of the Bible and Jesus Christ and Adam and Eve

Sawyer: Ooooooohhhhh

Huckabee: the Founding Fathers were willing to die to establish a Christian Nation

Gibson: what the fuck does that mean?

Huckabee: i don't change my positions, just my policies -- the important thing is to impose Biblical principles on America

Thompson: let me warble nonsensically about the 10th amendment and a dollar belongs in my grandchilds pocket

Gibson: holy shit are you fucking senile

Paul: you all profess belief in the Constitution but you are Corporate Welfare Fascists that is the GOP today and you all frighten the fuck out of me why are we bribing half the world and bombing the other half??

Gibson: okayyy........

Gibson: health care!

Guiliani: the democrats want socialized medicine

McCain: hey wealthy Saudis come here when they are sick what more do you need to know???

Rudy: fuck those 50 million lazy Americans who can't be bothered to buy health care

Gibson: you all actually believe this???

Rudy: we'll use tax breaks

Gibson: $15,000 worth??

McCain: that's right it's just too expensive once it's cheap, problem solved

Gibson: how do you do that?

McCain: simple younger americans are too fat and lazy

Gibson: how do you get young americans fit McCain?

McCain: a seven year diet of daily beatings and an ounce of gruel ought to do it

Romney: well i did it in my state we create a big pool of individuals and government was hardly involved and Hillary wasn't even there

Paul: how can we afford a trillion dollar war and not health care - it's because of the war and in fact US citizens are going to India for heart surgery

Sawyer: Oooooohhhhhh

Gibson: Sen Thompson?

Thompson: huh?

Gibson: sorry to wake you up

Thompson: if the government takes over people will die -- the answer is tax cuts for doctors and hospitals

Gibson: but they're rich!

Thompons: let people shop around for the cheapest MRI

Gibson: are you kidding

Thompson: most people without insurance are choosing to go without it those lazy fuckers

Romney: absolutely - we passed a law telling people buy this insurance or fuck off

Thompson: in my day we got 5 health insurances for a 2 bees and a dollar

Huckabee: the answer is for every American to get a gastric bypass

Rudy: health savings account are the answer you can draw on it during your admittedly short lifetime

McCain: there are 5 major diseases in America and we should give doctors a reward for curing them

Sawyer: Oooooohhhh

McCain: walk-in clinics are the answer

Gibson: what if you can't walk?

McCain: sue pharmaceuticals and import drugs from Canada

Romney: they are not teh bad guys!

McCain: no they are!

Romney: no pharmaceutical companies helped my android programming and they say they are heroes and they told me to say that the problem is all the Americans who are cheaters and can afford health insurance and just free ride those non-rich bastards

NH Hampshire journalist: illegal mexicans john mccain!

McCain: look illegals built my house i know all about it and as president i will put the burden on governors and employers with biometric documents

NH J: wow everyone in America is going to have a DNA imprint to work??

McCain: yes but do it in a Christian way

Romney: i hate amnesty kick out all 20 million illegal immigrants

Gibson: a special DNA card?

Romney: of course i feel so sad for all the foreigners around the world i don't want coming here either

Rudy: we should begin shooting illegals now and do that for about 4 years and them have the special ID card

Gibson: throw out 12 million illegals?

Rudy: kill the crime-ridden illegals and for the non-criminals take their photograph and they would pay a fine

McCain: Joe Lieberman said i am a great hero

McCain: Mitt Romeny you can spend a billion dollars attacking me but i will always have joe liberman's love

Romney: i ‘call’ it amnesty i just don't ‘describe’ it as amnesty

McCain: i hate brown people but i won't deport grandmothers

Romney: oh so anyone with children with children gets a free ride

McCain: i'm still debating with joe lieberman all the details

Gibson: who here wants to really deport 12 million people

Romney: talk radio likes me just check your Z-Visa

Rudy: if Ronald Reagan were here he would say something really stupid and act like a senile asshole

Thompson: wow then elect me demit

Thompson: Rudy had a brown sanctuary city

Rudy: no i hate illegals

Thompson: oh you were soft on brown people

Rudy: no just for schools, hospitals and crimes its all humane

Thompson: well dammit that's pretty damm soft

Huckabee: if we can build the Empire State Bld in 2 years we can certainly wall off a 4,000 mile border in the same time

Gibson: well sure

Huckabe: people will volunteer to be deported if we threaten them with live snakes if they don't turn themselves in

Paul: a tamper proof ID will obviously apply to every single american which will clearly lead to concentration camps and the Mark of the Beast and hospital closing and wild beast roaming the streets feasting on the flesh of zombie children

Sawyer: Ooooooohhhhh

Journalist: why do you hate Barack Obama

Romney: he's a big liberal with an ambitious health care plan but the real reason is the american people want change and the last thing we need is some Establishment guy like a skinny young chicago lawyer from kenya named barack hussein obama

Thompson: he's a fucking liberal teacher-lover and the change we need is to go the principles this country was founded on

Gibson: like what

Thompson: goddam blacks were 3/5ths of a person

McCain: i agree Romney is the candidate of change but Obama does not understand radical islamic extremists

Gibson: i thought he was one

Romney: ok you all hate me because i am a scientologist but McCain when you are in a debate with Obama you will get killed assuming you don't fall asleep

Rudy: look we are at war -- we need someone who has experience dealing with snow removal and sewage and other national security issues

Huckabee: he's not a soldier or a warrior or a battler plus he's a gay lover although in fairness he is a very handsome man

Gibson: show me the evangelical dog whistle

Huckabee: it's vertical love!

Paul: we're a lot alike we're into change and against the war but i believe true compassion for poor people is to look at them and say dood get a fucking job

Gibson: isn't oil expensive forever?

Paul: no oil is cheap -- gold is expensive

Gibson: huh?

Paul: oil is real and Bush's dollar is worthless

Gibson: Oooooohhhhhh

McCain: our oil money is flowing to some politicians who don't love american the answer is to harness the Tide and Cheer

Journalist: should Exxon chair make $400 million a year?

Thompson: no really he should make more

Journalist: really?

Thompson: yes they are very smart to make deals with dictators i wish i had thought of that

Rudy: Jimmy Carter was right and Reagan was wrong -- we've got to have wind powered energy and emulate France and as President i will be like Eisnehower and put EZ company on the moon

Huckabee: we can be energy independent in ten years

Gibson: are you kidding?

Huckabee: a billion dollars for a car that can go 100 mpg

Gibson: dood that exists now

Huckabee: i send a check to madrassas every month that bothers me

Romney: we need to tell the american people to fuck off and stop suing businesses and let businesses get on with the business of fucking you all

Gibson: good night and god help us all I need a drink

2 comments:

PghPa said...

I was looking forward to this
weeks rundown on both NH debates.
This was internet comedy gold!!!
Both debates were lampooned
perfectly.

Thanks for all the work that goes
into this blog!!!

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