January 5, 2008
Host: Charlie Gibson
Charlie Gibson: welcome Facebook doods!
This is like, a debate, kids! We've made is easier for you all by weeding out the total loosers like that asshole joe biden, who only has 30 years experience!
Diane Sawyer: thanx so much Charlie - i am so hot!
George Stephanopoulos: this is exciting because one of the candidates will be killed live on stage tonite
Sawyer: Oooooooh that does sound good!
Stephanopoulos: we asked the loosers of new hampshire what they care about!
Voter 1: muslims are coming to nashua to kill my white children!
Voter 2: my boat uses a lot of gas!
Voter 3: my son is in iraq get him the fuck out now!
Charlie Gibson: Welcome right-wing psycho candidates i hope yur comfortable in your Lazy Boys
Gibson: just pretend it's like a very waspish passover seder
Rudy: ha ha ha i got it
Gibson: First issue - Bush ran against nation-building then for democracy then against democracy and for supporting dictators
Gibson: Huckster you hate Bush why?
Huckabee: we told the world we would fuck with them -- now of course we should do that but we shouldn't tell them that -- it's rude and unproductive
McCain: fuck you
Huckabee: i'm talking about Rumsfeld maybe next time we decide what we can do with the army before we attack -- and not the other way around
Thompsons: we're not arrogant!! We're at war with radical islam and we must crush all muslims like we did in Afghanistan
Giuliani: bush was right when he had the foresight to let 9/11 happen and then decided to retaliate - it was fucking brilliant
Gibson: no mistakes?
Rudy: only one - everything between Sept. 2001 and today
Gibson: are we weak?
Giuliani: Bill Clinton ruined America and that's why we suck today and we need 300 new ships for the navy
McCain: bush is responsible for protecting america since 9/11 there were no terrorist attacks since then
Gibson: but there were no attacks when Clinton was president and there was one under Bush
McCain: that doesn't count - plus at least bush had a good idea in August of 2007
McCain: best general since General Mills
Ron Paul: Bush ran on a humble foreign policy and of course it was all bullshit and now we're going attack every country on earth - my god it's fucking insane
Gibson: but we're under attack!
Paul: yes but even christians attack us because we offend people --not because we're rich or free
Romney: you don't understand Islamic Jihad!
Gibson: what about Bush?
Romney: he's a fucking genius and a great man i am in awe of his massive penis
Romney: the role of NATO is destroy all madrassas all around the world
Gibson: that's crazy
Thomspon: i was the show runner for the GOP in the senate and now i would like to relive the Cold War but it's worse now because we have many enemies like terrorists and rouge nations
Thomspon: i was attacked by a biological weapon and i didn't even know it gawd my intestines were whacked out
Guiliani: the existence of our women is at stake there are all perverts and our foreign policy has nothing to do with it
Paul: what if China put a military base in New Hampshire
Romney: read Sayid Q-Tip!
Thompson: muslims grrrrrrr
Huckabee: let's get off Ron Paul for a second and point out that unlike Mitt Romney i don't march in lockstep with bush
Gibson: oooh a surrender monkey
Huckabee: hey i hate the caliphate too!
Romney: Governor Huckabee don't attack my policy
Huckabee: which one?
Romney: fuck that's a personal attack!!
Paul: we did they attack America and not the swiss or canada -because we give them a reason
Romney: or luxembourg!
Rudy: i love muslims and islams and i want to trade them
Paul: so why do we support their dictators???
Rudy: I can't hear you
Bush: what are you core principles
McCain: i was sailor and a pow and i want all americans to serve 7 years in a foreign prison camp and now i am finally old enough to say before all of you: vote for me or fuck you all!
Romney: i discussed running for office with my 5 idiot sons and my 5 wives and they convinced me that we face such great challenges that America needs an inexperienced flip-flopping businessman from a bizarre cult -- finally I would like to say read Battlefield Earth it's all in there!
Guiliani: i wrote a book exploiting 9/11 explaining my principles like attacking minorities and solve health care by attacking minorities and appoint judges that hate minorities...
Gibson: okay okay Rudy we get it
Are you you are all flip-floppers?
Rudy: no you are confused my beliefs never change but my policies do -- for example i believe i should have massive power the rest is empty
Huckabee: allow me to point out I am follower of the Bible and Jesus Christ and Adam and Eve
Huckabee: the Founding Fathers were willing to die to establish a Christian Nation
Gibson: what the fuck does that mean?
Huckabee: i don't change my positions, just my policies -- the important thing is to impose Biblical principles on America
Thompson: let me warble nonsensically about the 10th amendment and a dollar belongs in my grandchilds pocket
Gibson: holy shit are you fucking senile
Paul: you all profess belief in the Constitution but you are Corporate Welfare Fascists that is the GOP today and you all frighten the fuck out of me why are we bribing half the world and bombing the other half??
Gibson: health care!
Guiliani: the democrats want socialized medicine
McCain: hey wealthy Saudis come here when they are sick what more do you need to know???
Rudy: fuck those 50 million lazy Americans who can't be bothered to buy health care
Gibson: you all actually believe this???
Rudy: we'll use tax breaks
Gibson: $15,000 worth??
McCain: that's right it's just too expensive once it's cheap, problem solved
Gibson: how do you do that?
McCain: simple younger americans are too fat and lazy
Gibson: how do you get young americans fit McCain?
McCain: a seven year diet of daily beatings and an ounce of gruel ought to do it
Romney: well i did it in my state we create a big pool of individuals and government was hardly involved and Hillary wasn't even there
Paul: how can we afford a trillion dollar war and not health care - it's because of the war and in fact US citizens are going to India for heart surgery
Gibson: Sen Thompson?
Gibson: sorry to wake you up
Thompson: if the government takes over people will die -- the answer is tax cuts for doctors and hospitals
Gibson: but they're rich!
Thompons: let people shop around for the cheapest MRI
Gibson: are you kidding
Thompson: most people without insurance are choosing to go without it those lazy fuckers
Romney: absolutely - we passed a law telling people buy this insurance or fuck off
Thompson: in my day we got 5 health insurances for a 2 bees and a dollar
Huckabee: the answer is for every American to get a gastric bypass
Rudy: health savings account are the answer you can draw on it during your admittedly short lifetime
McCain: there are 5 major diseases in America and we should give doctors a reward for curing them
McCain: walk-in clinics are the answer
Gibson: what if you can't walk?
McCain: sue pharmaceuticals and import drugs from Canada
Romney: they are not teh bad guys!
McCain: no they are!
Romney: no pharmaceutical companies helped my android programming and they say they are heroes and they told me to say that the problem is all the Americans who are cheaters and can afford health insurance and just free ride those non-rich bastards
NH Hampshire journalist: illegal mexicans john mccain!
McCain: look illegals built my house i know all about it and as president i will put the burden on governors and employers with biometric documents
NH J: wow everyone in America is going to have a DNA imprint to work??
McCain: yes but do it in a Christian way
Romney: i hate amnesty kick out all 20 million illegal immigrants
Gibson: a special DNA card?
Romney: of course i feel so sad for all the foreigners around the world i don't want coming here either
Rudy: we should begin shooting illegals now and do that for about 4 years and them have the special ID card
Gibson: throw out 12 million illegals?
Rudy: kill the crime-ridden illegals and for the non-criminals take their photograph and they would pay a fine
McCain: Joe Lieberman said i am a great hero
McCain: Mitt Romeny you can spend a billion dollars attacking me but i will always have joe liberman's love
Romney: i ‘call’ it amnesty i just don't ‘describe’ it as amnesty
McCain: i hate brown people but i won't deport grandmothers
Romney: oh so anyone with children with children gets a free ride
McCain: i'm still debating with joe lieberman all the details
Gibson: who here wants to really deport 12 million people
Romney: talk radio likes me just check your Z-Visa
Rudy: if Ronald Reagan were here he would say something really stupid and act like a senile asshole
Thompson: wow then elect me demit
Thompson: Rudy had a brown sanctuary city
Rudy: no i hate illegals
Thompson: oh you were soft on brown people
Rudy: no just for schools, hospitals and crimes its all humane
Thompson: well dammit that's pretty damm soft
Huckabee: if we can build the Empire State Bld in 2 years we can certainly wall off a 4,000 mile border in the same time
Gibson: well sure
Huckabe: people will volunteer to be deported if we threaten them with live snakes if they don't turn themselves in
Paul: a tamper proof ID will obviously apply to every single american which will clearly lead to concentration camps and the Mark of the Beast and hospital closing and wild beast roaming the streets feasting on the flesh of zombie children
Journalist: why do you hate Barack Obama
Romney: he's a big liberal with an ambitious health care plan but the real reason is the american people want change and the last thing we need is some Establishment guy like a skinny young chicago lawyer from kenya named barack hussein obama
Thompson: he's a fucking liberal teacher-lover and the change we need is to go the principles this country was founded on
Gibson: like what
Thompson: goddam blacks were 3/5ths of a person
McCain: i agree Romney is the candidate of change but Obama does not understand radical islamic extremists
Gibson: i thought he was one
Romney: ok you all hate me because i am a scientologist but McCain when you are in a debate with Obama you will get killed assuming you don't fall asleep
Rudy: look we are at war -- we need someone who has experience dealing with snow removal and sewage and other national security issues
Huckabee: he's not a soldier or a warrior or a battler plus he's a gay lover although in fairness he is a very handsome man
Gibson: show me the evangelical dog whistle
Huckabee: it's vertical love!
Paul: we're a lot alike we're into change and against the war but i believe true compassion for poor people is to look at them and say dood get a fucking job
Gibson: isn't oil expensive forever?
Paul: no oil is cheap -- gold is expensive
Paul: oil is real and Bush's dollar is worthless
McCain: our oil money is flowing to some politicians who don't love american the answer is to harness the Tide and Cheer
Journalist: should Exxon chair make $400 million a year?
Thompson: no really he should make more
Thompson: yes they are very smart to make deals with dictators i wish i had thought of that
Rudy: Jimmy Carter was right and Reagan was wrong -- we've got to have wind powered energy and emulate France and as President i will be like Eisnehower and put EZ company on the moon
Huckabee: we can be energy independent in ten years
Gibson: are you kidding?
Huckabee: a billion dollars for a car that can go 100 mpg
Gibson: dood that exists now
Huckabee: i send a check to madrassas every month that bothers me
Romney: we need to tell the american people to fuck off and stop suing businesses and let businesses get on with the business of fucking you all
Gibson: good night and god help us all I need a drink