Monday, January 21, 2008

Democratic Debate - January 21, 2008

Democratic Debate
Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
January 21, 2008

Wolf: let's welcome the candidates - the cute guy, the black guy, and the chick!

[ awkward hand waving ]

[ awkward hand shaking ]

[ awkward clapping ]

Wolf: what substantive issues will be discussing tonight?

Expert: personalities - we want to know who we are voting for

Wolf: MLK was black did you know that Suzanne?

[ awkward silence ]

Wolf: thanks to the black caucus and teh Palace theatre

[woo hoo]

Wolf: Def Beard Leslie Jam!

[ awkward audience disbelief ]

Wolf: we will have no time limits and no rules it will be like Debate Unplugged

[ awkward scene of candidates looking uncomfortable ]

Joe Johns: maybe you heard the markets are in a tailspin so what's your answer

Clinton: economy is the #1 issue at the kitchen table i called for a stimulus as early as December of 2007

Johns: so long ago

Clinton: interest rate freeze for 5 years and give people $650 to pay their energy bills this winter

Johns: that should arrive by July

Clinton: Bush would exclude 70 million people

Johns: which ones?

Clinton: surprise - poor people

Obama: people forget that Martin Luther King marched for jobs and so I'm glad Hillary has joined my plan

Edwards: hey MLK had a poor people's campaign and now it's bad the rich are getting richer

Leslie: stimulate me

Edwards: i have an anti poverty plan but my proposal is better because it wouldn't just give money away but would invest in green jobs and kill the Peruvian trade deal

Leslie: so Hillary and Barack are wrong

Edwards: no i just want to do it all more

Obama: dood Peru is tiny and that agreement is cool and John you voted for free trade with freaking China

Hillary: let's not fuck with the tax code


Hillary: but the crisis is out of control and Bush's plan sucks and so we need to spend on solar panels and insulation for homes

Leslie: oooh insulation

Edwards: my father worked in the mill for 36 years and the problem with Peru is you trust the President who is George W Bush

Obama: not when I'm President dood

[ yay! ]

Obama: i worked with laid off steel worked these people got royally screwed

Malveax: Hillary Clinton says you suck Obama

Obama: well she lied pretty lady

Malveax: do tell handsome

Obama: Bill Clinton has also been lying about me it's all too typical

Leslie: like what

Obama: son of a bitch going on about things I said that are not fucking true and I know no one cares about this but we should take the high road

Hillary: oh no he said he loved the Republican ideas and I happen to disagree - plus he makes promises that he can't pay for so, so, bad

Wolf: that is sad

Hillary: Obama voted to fund the fucking war OMG!!!!

Obama: you brought up Ronald Reagan

Hillary: no i did not

Obama: but you husband did

Hillary: well he's not here

Obama: well sometimes its hard to tell

Hillary: oh we are just getting warmed up i read the transcript

Obama: you said i liked the GOP and I did not say that - I said he was transformative and we need to co-opt his ideas

Hillary: maybe i fudged a little but you represented a slum lord!!

Edwards: Children are dying of hunger while these two trade silly barbs


Edwards: i was the first to come out an anti poverty plan, health care plan, and global warming plan and we need to fix social security

Leslie: stop talking pretty man

Edwards: oh fuck you - you let them go on forever

[ yay! ]

Jasper Johns: is subprime racial?

Edwards: yes and yes - if you are black you have a net worth of 10% of white families which is a result of slavery and discrimination and these predatory lenders are evil

Johns: what else

Edwards: some of these people have no bank account

Leslie: alright, enough

Clinton: i called for action last March while crazy man Cramer was saying buy buy the worldwide economy was teetering and besides the banks are in real trouble and Abu Dhabi will steal our poor people's homes

Obama: 2 years ago i introduced a bill to eliminate predatory lending which i also did at the states - and i stood up to the special interests

Leslie: are you a slumlord

Obama: no i did 5 hours worth of work and she and Bill are liars

Hillary: i like it when the bills i support fail but all he does is the bidding of insurance companies

Obama: fuck you

Hillary: you have to expect people to distort your record - i'm used to it, are you?

Obama: i get it people lie about you so you lie about me

Hillary: the man supports sex shops in schools and predators

Obama: oh lordy she will say anything to get elected

[ hillary smirking ]

Obama: i spent a month resonding to their lies

Clinton: well it's on the books

Edwards: Obama won't take a hard positions and vote up or down and voting present

Obama: there are technical reasons for that

Edwards: you voted present that doesn't make sense what if I had never showed up to vote???

Obama: dood you were never in the stae legislature and are not even in the Senate anymore

Hillary: we need to revamp health care which means universal health care which means shared responsibility

Johns: Obama does your plan cover illegal immigrants

Obama: no, because we have limited resources hey it's not easy

Edwards: well none of us do - but we can marry health care to immigration reform then it will be solved

Obama: oh sure they call for mandates even garnishing wages but if you can't afford health insurance what good is that???

Obama: your health care plan has exemptions so not all are covered

Edwards: no if we let people opt-out it wrecks the system like social security

Clinton: you have to aim high for universal health care and them compromise later - single payer, employers or individual responsibility -- it's a core democratic principle to order people to buy health insurance or garnish their paycheck

Leslie: yeah

Clinton: he avoid problems and hates poor uninsured that's his MO

Obama: oh for crissake here she goes again

Q: Iraq war -- go!

Clinton: i love the military but there is no military solution to a civil war there

Q: but the surge!

Clinton: duh it worked for a little while but they are watching this debate now in Iraq and they are saying oh fuck we had better stop killing each other

Leslie: yep

Clinton: except for the translators and cab drivers

Wolf: but John McCain says we shouldn't surrender!!

Edwards: even Bush admits we need stability in Iraq and there has almost no political progress - but Hillary and Barack will leave troops in Iraq

Obama: we could rebuild America with al the money we've spent in Iraq and Al Qaeda is stronger - John McCain wants up there for a 100 years - hoo boy that old guy is out of his gourd

Clinton: i will withdraw them as quickly as possible - but did you know Bush is going to negotiate a fake deal with the fake Iraqi parliament to build the Dick Cheney Memorial Vatican Sized Embassy

Leslie: Charlie Rangel doesn't like you and he's black

Obama: well he's from NY so what lots of Congressmen has endorsed me big fucking deal

Malveax: I talked to black people and they said you are an awkward white dood

Edwards: so true but i am into poverty so can i argue that i am the true heir to martin luther king??

Malveaux: play that funky music white boy

Edwards: hey poverty affects blacks more than others

Clinton: i am married to a black man and when i graduated from Yale i went to work for a black woman to end poverty too like abused and neglected kids who were working at Wal Mart

Obama: can i talk about black issues?

Wolf: no because you are black

Hillary: blacks made more money when bill was getting blow jobs in the oval office and i will bring those days back again!!!

Obama: i also care about poor black children after all i was born one - and the kids i knew were diminshed because their schools sucked and this is also my lifetime committment

Leslie: you're black so you're immune on this issue Brickback

Obama: hey white people will vote for me too despite what Chris Matthews says be you black, female, or Miscellaneous

Edwards: I am currently in a fight with Bill O'Reilly over homeless veterans and needless to say i'm winning

[ yay!]

Edwards: in all seriousness poverty is real and sad

Johns: Obama with all due respect Bill Clinton was our first Black Presnit so you wouldn't even make history

Obama: duh no - but i am impressed when young southern white men respect blacks and it shows that people can change although bill has no rhythm

Clinton: ha ha ha i would like to take MLK day to remind people that i am a woman and my hero is from upstate NY

Leslie: Joseph Smith?

CLinton: no Frederick Douglass who would support me if he were alive today

Leslie: i loved his beard he is my black hero

Obama: don't vote for me because i am black but i am not running away from racial issues either

Leslie: you're black!? I never knew!

Obama: dood you're an idiot

Wolf: i'm color blind and stupid

Clinton: but gender equality

Obama: yep!

Clinton: we have all lived prejudice

Edwards: amen!

Clinton: you'll never hear the GOP talk about this

Leslie: the sad plight of the poor beleagured high taxed CEOS

Edwards: look at New Orleans but not just that all Americans should have the chance to move out of poor areas

Malveaux: Hillary your husband has a big mouth

Hillary: that's not what i heard

Suzanne: ha ha

Clinton: seriously Elizabeth and Michelle talk tough too and sure Bill goes off sometimes but the question you have to ask yourself if is Obama can't stand up to my tough campaigning will he be able to stand up to the Republicans???

Edwards: look at New Orleans but not just that all Americans should have the chance to move out of poor areas

Obama: Michelle only let me run once plus Bill is the former Presnit and he lied about me but i would argue that the real reason we lost in 2000 and 2004 is that our majority was too small and didn't have enough Republicans

Leslie: can you win the presnitsy

Obama: look at Bush / Cheney anyone of us can win

Edwards: if you want someone who can beat John McCain vote for me of course if you want someone really liberal vote your conscience wink wink

Leslie: you should tune into the comments section it's fun there

Obama: i won in Elko Nevada and in Illinois

Leslie: yeah but a bag of dog feces would have beaten Alan Keyes

Obama: we need to go to church and reach out evangelical christians

Leslie: how so

Obama: don't concede ground of jesus christ

Clinton: if McCain is the nominee we will have an election about national security and i will win that election because they will smear Obama and my pro-military votes will carry me through

Edwards: you two can't win against Mr Purity on special interests

Leslie: way to defend Mr Keating Five dood

Edwards: hillary when people give you millions of dollars they expect you to give them something

Hillary: well donors give you millions too

Edwards: but that's trial lawyers who want me to defend their right to law-talk

Obama: i don't take PAC and lobby money

Leslie: is she stronger than John McCain?

Obama: Hillary sells herself as McCain-lite and i say we need to overcome the politics of fear not the politics of triangulation

Edwards: we can drive young kids over to Al Qaeda or to us if we are a beacon of hope

Leslie: i will save the most important question for last and give you one minute to answer - would Martin Luther King vote for you??

Edwards: yes because of my poverty campaign and voting rights and I am willing to fight for equality

Obama: King was a tough guy and he led a movement of ordinary people and that's what i want to do

Clinton: King was a politician and he gave his life for a political movement and then morality met politics and sure other people are moral and i intend to be the person to implement the policies of other people more moral than me.

Leslie: thanx and good night

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