Los Angeles, California
January 31, 2008
Host: Leslie “Wolf” Blitzer
Senator Hillary Clinton
Senator Barack Obama
Obama: i'm black and proud – i like hillary but we can't look back - it's the past vs. the future and guess which one I am
Wolf: i know! i know!
Obama: we will always be friends when i am president if ever need an old person's advice i will call hillary
Clinton: after all the celebrating over the history of electing a black guy you'll find a heap of problems and this good-looking well-spoken kid next to me is not ready to handle them
Wolf: and you are?
Clinton: damm right i rode herd over Bill for eight years and that wasn't easy
Politico dood: what's the worst thing about Obama's policies
Clinton: well first we agree that the GOP sucks ass but i like health care and i take housing seriously and i also think that there are evil mustchaed men posing serious threats to us and i wouldn't grovel before them
Politco: you sound like a Republican
Clinton: no way there are no girls allowed at simi valley
Obama: Hillary and Romney think that the reason people don't have health care is that the government hasn't ordered them to go out and buy it - well i disagree
Wolf: but people love ERs - you ever see that tv show? there's lots of sex there
Obama: i don't like the interest rate freeze - that screws people not in arms now
Wolf: what happened with housing anyway?
Obama: lobbyists bought and paid for the US government
Obama: she brought up foreign policy so i will point out that she is unapologetic hawk and yes i do favor not bombing people but meeting with them - deal with it
Question: but why not force people to buy health insurance
Obama: hey under mandates people will also go without health insurance and as i said the real issue is people who can't afford it’s not people who are dodging it
Clinton: i tried to get people health in rural Arkansas and that wasn't easy
Leslie: so true
Clinton: i learned my lesson from 1993 we will offer choice but also we will make it affordable by handing out subsidies called tax credits
Clinton: and then there are the lazy uninsured fuckers
Clinton: you must start with universal health care or else be nibbled to death by ducks
Leslie: Obama what about the lazy fuckers???
Obama: she says she has enough subsidies well she doesn't and we have to lower premiums or else all this is moot
Leslie: thats a funny word
Obama: Ted Kennedy has 45 years experience and he endorsed me
Leslie: yeah but only because she dissed his brother
Hillary: thats a lie
Obama: look on C-SPAN
Wolf: is that a swipe at Hillary
Obama: oh sure dumbass
Clinton: remember when bill was president - i did a lot of the good things that you recall
Obama: da bulls
Clinton: i will demand insurance companies cover pre-existing conditions
Wolf: including wolf-man syndrome?
Hillary: oh yes its under Section 1002.75(b) "Lycanthropy"
Clinton: i will take on this insurance companies and win
Wolf: this time
Clinton: uh yeah
Politico Guy: you are tax 'n spenders
Obama: from the borrow-and-spend GOP that's rich
[ yay! ]
Obama: the Strait Talk Express got derailed and Sen Rodent hugged the big spender
[ applause ]
Obama: i will close tax loopholes and give tax cuts to poor people that's balance
[ hillary writing: f u c k e r ]
Clinton: i would modernize hospitals like our doctors still where that shiny round thing on their heads - what is that anyway???
Wolf: beats me
Clinton: and that rubber mallet and those wooden sticks
Clinton: electronic medical records would save money and improve health care
Obama: improving doctors handwriting would save 10,000 lives per year
Clinton: i worked with Newt Gingrich and Bill Frist
Clinton: speaking of taxes we will go to the Clinton tax rates which rocked
Host: please pit Latino vs. Black
Obama: what they have in common is getting fucked by The Man
Host: no no where's the hate???
Obama: you’re scapegoating the hate was back in Simi Valley
Rodney King: damm right
Clinton: people have been losing their really cushy jobs at meat processing plants
Wolf: sounds sweet
Obama: teh Jungle dood
Clinton: we have to tighten our precious broders and crack down on employers
Wolf: deport millions?
Clinton: that’s the gop alternate universe crazy man
Wolf: aww too bad
Clinton: make the 12 million pay taxes learn english and get in line
[ muted applause ]
Clinton: but no drivers licenses!!
Obama: i worked with Ted Kennedy and John McCain
Wolf: Borat is she inhumane?
Obama: dood people don't come here to drive - they come to work
Clinton: puh-leez i represent Lady Liberty
Wolf: i love that basketball team
Clinton: i've been fighting on this and i take this personally because my ancestors were illegal immigrants
Clinton: Mayflower dood
Wolf: Hillary if you care so much why not let the brown people have drivers licenses
Hillary: well that would be dangerous because mexicans are bad drivers
Obama: whatever - the point is you held my position too
Clinton: you flip flopped too- but not on teevee
Obama: that's how cool i am darlin’
McManus: Hillary says she has more experience and a lot of americans agree
Obama: well not everyone agrees idiot
McManus: whoa don't stab me negro
Obama: when hillary was playing guard dog for Bill i was a state legislator and organizer and i got shit done or i wouldn't have been elected to the damm senate
Clinton: let me go back to my first year out of law school
Wolf: oh boy
Clinton: i helped prisoners, disabled kids, hicks in Arkansas and turned Wal Mart into global juggarnaut
Clinton: i fucked up health care when i was co president but i pressured Macedonia and China on female rights
[ yay!! ]
Host: america is a business and why should you be CEO?
Clinton: bush as a ceo presnit and look what we got - america is not a business
Obama: Romeny is a sucky money man he blew $200 million on a losing campaign
[audience laughs ]
McManus: Kennedy hates you
Hillary: no rose and ethel and kathleen support me
Doyle: only the gurls
Hillary: JFK was another happy horndog like my husband and this about the women out there who want to use this election to exact just a tiny little bit of payback to all the men who fucked them over in their lives
[audience: yay!! ]
Clinton: no one else wil be on the ballot
Wolf: but the Clinton years was good!
Obama: dood Bill was presnit not Hillary and we need to reach higher and higher
Obama: Bush sucks and we need to ask who can inspire the American people me who Hillary Rodham Rove over there
Obama: only i can attract new and young voters
Clinton: I haz ovaryz
Question: r u part of a Bush-Clinton dynasty
Hillary: hey i hate bush but we created 20 million new jobs and Bill cleaned up after Bush I it makes sense for another Clinton to clean up after Bush II: The Nightmare Years
[audience: yay ]
James Bond: i'd hit it
Doyle McM: Obama wants to pull out of Iraq and you don’t
Hillary: i want to bring our men and equipment out but we have an obligation to Blackwater and our drivers and translators who will be killed if we leave
Wolf: so sad it used to be such a nice war
Hillary: i know it's not a good answer but at least neither of us is George W Bush
Wolf: I can tell you are making sense
Obama: China is threatening, Pakistan's got the bomb, Afghanistan is disentigrating...
Wolfie: u r scaring me
Obama: i care about iraqi civilians but what about 4 million reufgees
Wolf: teh fugees!
Obama: but no mission creep
Wolf: but the iranians-
Obama: -already have a puppet regime thanks to Stupid
Wolf: but but
Obama: only i can make the Iraq argument because i want to end the hillary mindset that is pro-war
Wolf: Hillary that was a swipe at you
Hillary: no shit Sherlock
Clinton: i want underscore several points at once so i can be hawkish and dovish all at the same time
Wolf: my haid is spinning
Clinton: bush wants to stay 100 years -- he's crazy and must be stopped
Politico: why not vote for UN inspectors then
Clinton: i gave Bush authority to attack Iraq to support continued inspections
Clinton: i wanted to limit the authority of the UN and Stupid
Wolf: but McCain says you want to surrender
Clinton: see that's why you can't vote for Obama - he has no gravitas
Wolf: Hillary what is 'gravitas' ?
Clinton: it means you want to kill brown people
Wolf: you want us to fail black man?
Obama: death rates are back to 2005 levels well whoop-dee-fucking-doo
Leslie: please your language
Obama: sorry if mass death offends you
[Leslie strokes beard]
Obama: gravitas is being serious about war and not rushing into getting involved in a land war in Asia
Wolf: Hillary was your vote for war a mistake
Clinton: no i did due dilligence and Saddam has a scary mustache and i hoped it would work
Obama: hope monger!
Clinton: no one could have anticipated that Bush would use force against Iraq if he was given an authorization to use force
Wolf: is Obama right
Clinton: no i am strong and willing to bomb anyone anywhere and that's a winning argument
Wolf: being wrong on Iraq makes you right
Clinton: welcome to Washington D.C. Leslie
Leslie: so i hear you saying that you were naive to trust George W Bush??
[ BOOO ]
Clinton: oh nice try Wolfie
Leslie: was she naive Obama
Obama: oh no way dood
Clinton: Saddam was a bad guy after bad things and he was very jealous of all the attention that Osama was getting
Obama: jeebus an authoization to use force means the dood is going to use force -- it's important to be *right* on Day One
Wolf: when we come back -- we attack Democrats character!!
McManus: is there too much sex and violence from Hollywood?
Obama: my daughters showed my all the racy stuff on tv - but we need to give the parents the tools they need
Doyle: like the off switch?
Obama: hollywood needs to zip it with these crazy slasher flicks and other offensive shows
Doyle: like what
Obama: American Idol
Q: can you control bill and will he be being having a lot of sex with interns in the white house
Hillary: ha ha ha ha
Q: no really
Hillary: i'm thrilled to have the endorsement of Bill and Chelsea and Monica - but in the end i alone will make the decision to invade iran
Wolf: You are the Dream Ticket will you run together?
[ Josh Lyman from the West Wing: yay]
Obama: way premature but i want really excellent strong people and not pansy yes-men like Bush has had
[ hillary nods ]
Clinton: what he said
Clinton: i'm not considering it because i am going to win this thing baby
Wolf: you sound confident
Clinton: watch the Hallmark Channel i'm having a tupperware party monday night
[Obama pulls out Hillary's chair ]
Wolf: that sounds like fun - and good night