February 21, 2008
University of Texas
Sen. Hillary Clinton
Sen. Barack Obama
Campbell: welcome hillary and barack!!
[wild applause !!!!]
[wild applause !!!!]
Campbell: Opening statements - go
Clinton: the first job i ever had was in Texas so i always been a fan of the Longhorns and i learned there that i am actually a republican cause i believe in hard work and personal responsibility
Clinton: Barbara Jordan was my black friend and Ann Richards was my wacky steel magnolia friend
Clinton: i gave health care to kids and soldiers and i will amend the constitution to make insurance companies give insurance to everybody
Clinton: lets face it i'm losing so it's all up to you i offer a lifetime of experience and smiling sweetly
Obama: i like hillary of course -- look we are at war and we have a shitty economy i've talked to people all across america who have been screwed by the Bush administration like students and soldiers and sick people gawd its awful
Obama: look we both have detailed proposals and ideas but in Washington DC good ideas are like monarch butterflies they migrate there every spring and go to die
Obama: i will now quote Barbara Jordan who Hillary mentioned i love america and we have to make it as good as its promise
[ yay! ]
Ramos: will you meet with Fidel's little brother just once to look into his soul???
Clinton: sure as long as he pledges to support democracy and a makes good faith gesture
Ramos: like what
Clinton: a donation to Clinton library
Obama: Sure i would meet with him but he would have to open up the press to flattering pictures of me tossing a football with the Texas Longhorns
Ramos: what else
Obama: travel restrictions and the flow of cash
Brown: why do u hate America and love dictators
Obama: because i am not fearing any man anywhere anytime
[swigs Nyquil ]
Clinton: Obama would give away the golden prize of a meeting with the president and you don't offer such a juicy thing without a lot of preparatory work as JFK said
Brown: he did?
Clinton: i would send a seductive emissary to woo them
Clinton: the Clenis of course
Obama: of course Bush sucks and Hillary's prep work is all very nice but she acts like meeting with her is the greatest thing ever - well it's not
King: i want to bring the room down now and talk about the economy
Obama: fairness and balance jesus we give trillions to the richest and megacorps is sickening
King: class warfare?
Obama: no we must have fair trade which is good for labor and people who eat chinese toys
King: i like lead on my cereal in the morning
Obama: biodiesel bitches!!!!
Clinton: yeah i agree with typhoid mary
Clinton: bush sucks!!!
Clinton: we need a time out for Bush and a special trade prosecutor to keep out the radioactive toothpaste
Brown: i like that stuff
Clinton: no more foreclosures allowed!!
Clinton: we should spend 5 billion dollars for clean green jobs you like that it rhymes
Clinton: also we need to rebuild America and end the War on Science
Brown: thank you Senator-
Clinton: i'm still talking bitch
Montalban: raids on illegals?
Clinton: babies are left in the incubators to fend for themselves so sad
Ramos: so what's the answer
Clinton: crack down on employers and rebuild the economy in mexico and give illegals money for taxes and path to citizenship
Obama: we need to tone down the rhetoric - we are nation of laws and immigrants
King: nice but what’s your plan Obama
Obama: crack down on employers but no discrimination - so ilegals go to the back of the line which means reform legal immigration and the econmy in mexico
King: Build a border fence?
Clinton: sure i voted for teh fence so of course I am against it - except when a fence is a good idea but i only voted for it because i trusted teh Bush administration to do the right thing
King: so was your vote right or wrong?
Clinton: i am in favor smart fencing
King: like in The Princess Bride?
Clinton: exactly we need to commit to find the six fingered man!!!
Obama: the fence is stupid i like border controls and trucks and cars but let's get real there are already 12 million illegal workers here so we might as well make them legal and provide them with jobs
Obama: we need order to the process and that's only fair - also give illegal access to higher education
Montalban: is good to be a a bilingual nation??
Clinton: i don't speak any other freaking language but america's language - which is English dood
Ricardo: should we have an official language?
Clinton: hey in New York courts are in Hmong and you have to speak Urdu just to hail a cab
Obama: everyone should learn English but also Chinese so they can speak with their loanshark in the future
King: i live in a star trek parallel universe where Obama has a beard and Clinton wears a miniskirt - so please bash Obama
Clinton: bush needs to be less hat and more cattle
Clinton: look clearly my staff has said a lot of stupid shit lately and i fired them and came out tonight determined to seem nice
Clinton: some dumb guy working for Obama said a dumb thing - and actions speak louder than words!
Obama: throughout my twenty fucking years of public service i enacted ethics reform and helped the poor and addressed criminal justice and walter reed scandals so it isn't all talk but also some motherfuckin’ action!!!
Obama: i have news for Senator Clinton -- the reason i've won 11 straight states and had tens of millions of votes and 1 million donations and endorsements across this state is not because we are a cult or my supporters are delusional but because they like what they hear from me and they wants some real motherfucking change!!!!!!
Brown: are you a plagiarist black man????
Obama: hilllary clinton thinks words don't matter so what difference does it make???
Obama: this is the silly season and the Clinton tactics are why people get cynical about politics while i talk about college education and poverty and tax codes and national security
Brown: enough silver tongue
Obama: my speeches rock baby
Clinton: no this is an excellent point because his whole campaign is about "words" and he steals his words like a scary stealing black man
Obama: fuck off
Clinton: look at the mortgage crisis you disagree with me but even an expert on financial policy like George W Bush agrees with me!!
Clinton: we must eliminate all insurance companies right after i require all Americans to go buy it from them!!
Obama: Hillary Clinton liked my plan 6 months ago when i wasn't kicking her white ass
[ laughter ]
Obama: look the skinny white lady and i have the same plan but i want to reduce costs and cover everyone for god's sake we both will have to work with Congress and others neither she nor and I can snap our fingers and just cover everyone or make the insurance companies good guys sheesh
Khan: is Obama not ready to be commander in chief?
Clinton: i never got a chance to respond to his response to my attack on him
Clinton: what if social security were voluntary we must make everyone buy health insurance and call it universal
Obama: dammit her mandate isn't on the government- its on people what if people can't afford it she will garnish their wages and they *still* won't have health insurance
Clinton: no he mandates on parents to take care of children which is exactly like making poor people who out and buy health insurance
Obama: i'm going to give people the money and i will give adults the free choice and work on people who are gaming the system and the idea that she cares more than me is ridiculous
Ramos: Obama sucks as Commander in Chief??
Clinton: when bill was President i represented America across the world and look at Pakistan and Kosovo and these are serious problems which can only be addressed by a former first lady and not some neophyte dude from the streets of Chicago - i mean think about it people!!!
Obama: damm right i'm ready and i have balls not ovaries so i kick motherfucking ass if i have to but also help the families of soliders
Ramos: but you lack experience and judgment
Obama: no her judgment sucks on Iraq - she was wrong so why should i defer to the Goldwater Girl over here????
King: admit the surge worked hillary rodham
Clinton: criminy the goal of the surge was to make political progress and that hasn't happened to here is my message to the Iraqis - time to step up and make decisions and wave bye bye to the american troops we are declaring victory and getting the fuck out of there
Obama: our american troops are wonderful especially the ones from Texas
Obama: but only i can defeat John McCain because i was against from the war from the start -- we spend more in a week than we spend in a year in south America this is real fucking money and Huggy Bear wants to be there 100 years - or was it 3,000 years either way dood is fucking crazy
King: what else?
Obama: i created Google for Government there are all kinds of fun porn links there
King: will you match Saint McCain and refuse all earmarks
Clinton: ha ha you must be joking dood's a fucking hypocrite and worse he's a damm republican and McCain-Bush has supported no bid contracts and corruption and we need to re-elect Bill Clinton
Ramos: should superdelegates override the voters
Obama: gee i thought the primaries and caucuses counted for something
Ramos: well they don't
Obama: voters want to believe that government responds to them and a really shitty way of addressing that would be for party bosses to override the will of the voters
Brown: when were you really tested in life?
Obama: dad fled to Kenya when i was young and i was raised by a single white mom and then i tried cocaine and then i realized you know maybe Harvard law school would be better than life as a crack addict and in retrospect i think i made the right decision
[ applause ]
Clinton: the biggest crisis was when i found out the man i plan on bringing back to the white house was having sex with one of the damm interns in my own house thus possibly wrecking his presidency and my career
Clinton: but then i met some troops who were missing limbs and i thought hey it's not so bad and i'm lucky to have married to the most gifted politician in modern history and dammit i will use to get myself to the white house
King: why are you being so nice tonite?
Clinton: i know i am going to lose this thing and need to preserve my reputation - plus Obama here is clearly going to be the next President
Brown: well that covers it - good night