February 26, 2008
Sen. Hillary Clinton
Sen. Barack Obama
Brian Williams: Welcome to Ohio!! Home of 8 presidents - how the hell did that happen???
Williams: this debate is like a Republican bathhouse - the only rule is that there are no rules!
Here to make me look even more handsome is Tim Russert
Russert: that's not what you said on Sept. 23, 1986
Williams: shut up Timmy
Williams: Hillary you flew into a rage at Obama do you have emotional problems?
Hillary: dammit he said i was in favor of NAFTA!
Obama: no that was BAFTA - i mean fuck daniel day lewis
Clinton: he said i would make people pay for their health care plan and that's not true because i would cover everyone - whereas he would not and hates sick people
Williams: now let me flash the Drudge photo again and cite the Drudge Report twice
Clinton: oh for fuck's sake
Obama: well that's fine she denies the whole Drudge thing although I doubt it - but let's talk about health care -- she never lets a day go by without reminding people that I would leave 15 million people to die in the street without health insurance
Clinton: oh yeah that's true
Obama: well she only covers people with a mandate that would include garnishing wages
Clinton: but those are free riders!
Obama: oh quit whining look at your Robo-calls
Clinton: no my lies on other issues are ok - but this issue is too important to send out bad mailings - its like the health insurance companies wrote it - i take on the insurers by requiring people to go out and buy health insurance
Obama: bullshit i care about sick people as much as you do
Clinton: we all must be in the same boat so insurers can't cherrry pick the sick people
Obama: criminy that does not make sense - of course insurers like a mandate and how does her plan bring down costs
Clinton: He's Barack Mandate Obama - he requires parents to go out and get insurance and it's so wrong to make parents take care of their children
Obama: wrong wrong demmit
Clinton: my plan is affordable because i have loads of subsidies and tax credits and i would limit the cost of premiums
Obama: its a gift to insurers
Clinton: health insurance is health care - there is no difference so ergo under your plan everyone dies
Obama: duh my plan makes parents get health insurance for their kids because it's affordable
Clinton: those young fuckers must be forced to buy health insurance they think they are immortal
Williams: maybe they're Highlanders
Clinton: Barack Obama is a big baby who needs a pillow and blankie
Obama: gawd 4 years of this will be friggin painful
Clinton: yes I was in favor of NAFTA - but we need a plan to fix the mistakes i made in 1996
Obama: i have one too -- elect me instead
Clinton: you need a time-out like the one we need for trade - i know that the blue collars joe sixpacks care about so i will say i do
Obama: mighty white of you
Clinton: NAFTA killed Ohio but Obama keeps criticizing me and that's mean
Obama: jeebus of course she was in favor of NAFTA - when I worked on the streets of Chicago a quarter of a century ago i saw devastation caused by poor trade agreements
Clinton: i can't believe your mommy let you out that late at night
Russert: gotcha hillary you said dozens of times that NAFTA was great and courageous - will you pull out of NAFTA
Clinton: i will renegotiate it - but to be fair NAFTA really was a good idea and courageous
Russert: so was it a good idea or not??
Clinton: Tim you don't have the entire record sometimes i say it's good and sometimes i don't - i've been entirely consistent
Russert: can you prove that?
Clinton: the Cleveland Plain Dealer said teh negro was lying
Clinton: this is NO FAIR - Obama and i never voted on NAFTA
Russert: but you were co-president
Clinton: was i?
Russert: Borat will you pull out?
Obama: i luv american workers but let's face it free trade fucks us over i want to be the Worker President
Russert: u scare me
Obama: american retirees should not be making hamburgers
Russert: i can haz cheeseburger?
Timmy: are you sure that NAFTA isn't great - i mean look at my underwear it's only costs $1 a pack and comes in XXXXL
Obama: well that's very nice Timmy but i'd like to talk about windmills
Russert: tonight will you pledge to revive the city of Buffalo
Clinton: Tim i'm running for president not Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot
Russert: but you lied about the jobs back in 2000
Clinton: hey fatty i thought al gore would be president all we need to do is elect a democrat
Russert: good point - Brian you try her she scares me
Williams: Hillary says you are just like George W Bush with no experience
Obama: that's because she is a creature of Washington - she is another John McCain who wants to stay in Iraq for 100 years
Brian: but she is against the war now
Obama: she freaked out when i said i would get tough on Pakistan but i was right
Clinton: i liberated ireland and gave a speech in china
Williams: but he was right about Iraq!
Clinton: i question his foreign policy judgment
Williams: give me an example of where he has been wrong
Clinton: he agreed with me on Iraq
Williams: wow that is dumb
Williams: but if he agreed with you then what makes you better?
Clinton: i went to 80 countries with the Bill Clinton presidency
Williams: were you qualified for that?
Clinton: shut up
Obama: look Hillary and George W. Bush drove the American bus into a ditch and i'm trying to get the bus out of the ditch but it's hard
Williams: you're a hot-head
Obama: i never said i would bomb Pakistan - i said we need to stop fucking around with the people who attacked on 9/11 it's about a speech it's a break with the Clinton-McCain Doctrine
Tim: if the iraqi government says we should leave but Bill Kristol says we should stay - should we leave???
Obama: of course motherfucker
Clinton: duh sovereignty dood
Tim: what if Al Qeada resurges and Iraq GOES TO HELL?????
Clinton: why don't you go to hell fatty?
Tim: will you re-invade if there is another civil war?
Clinton: sure sounds delightful pumpkinhaid
Obama: we're fucked in Afghanistan now - of course i will always reserve the right to invade anywhere monaco or Nantucket or wherever
Timmy: oh noes!!
Obama: fuck you timmy as commander in chief i won't be dicking around
Williams: Hillary mocked you dood
Hillary: celestial choirs!
Obama: sounds damm good to me
Hillary: ha ha ha ha
Williams: whut do u think Becky
Obama: look i get it - she has this whole thing where she says I'm all about speeches - well for 2 decades i've worked for people - sick people, wounded warriors, and unethical fucks in Congress - and i talked to working class white women and i said i'm not interested in talk or speeches and i'm interested in getting motherfucking shit done!
Clinton: hey giving bizarre speeches is my idea of fun - you know 15 years ago i failed at making universal health care plan happen so i know what i'm doing
Brian: naturally but what else?
Clinton: take on credit cards companies, dick cheney, and special interest and i am a fighter
Obama Clip: you can't run away from some things in teh White House but not others
Williams: you have to take the good and take the bad
Obama: and there you have it those are the Facts of Life
Williams: was she co-presnit?
Obama: Look fighting is not enough she ended up fighting Pat Moynihan - but look if you want a fighter hire a black man from the mean streets of chicago and not a fucking goldwater girl
Williams: damm - my negro gettin tough!
Obama: she takes cash from special interests she's part of the problem
Tim: there is nothing more important than adhering to my arbitrary standards - will you vote for John McCain??
Obama: look stupid my funding comes from small donors McCain's comes from 527s
Tim: but your word!!! Your pledge!
Obama: McCain is going to game this system
Russert: I am now going to talk for a half an hour about bullshit - your tax returns hillary
Clinton: sorry i fell asleep while you were talking
Russert: will you release 10,000 pages from teh Archives
Clinton: i don't run the National Archives dumbass
Russert: do you accept the support of the Scary Black Louis Farrakhan
Obama: no i don't
Russert: but will reject his vote?
Obama: well I can't-
Russert: but he said judaism was a gutter religion-
Obama: shut the fuck up shithead
Russert: but you think Farrakhan epitomizes greatness what about the Jews!!???!!?
Obama: one more such question and i will reach across the table punch that grin off your fat face
Hillary: there's a difference between denouncing and rejecting -- Obama is clearly an anti-semite
Obama: well since Hillary is going to lose this debate and the election i will be nice and give her the word reject - i reject Farrakan
Hillary: yay i win
William: well thank god we settled the all important Farrakhan Question now the people of Youngstown will get those jobs back
Williams: how can you possibly run as a black man with a more liberal record than Ted Kennedy???
Obama: ooooh i must be a Scary Liberal because I wanted an Independent Ethics Office within the U.S. Senate
Williams: but you're scary
Obama: Republicans like me because I'm gonna fight for americans
Williams: you're a Magic Negro
Russert: who will be the next President of Russia?
Hillary: he's a hand picked scary dood who's name i can't remember
Russert: what's his name
Clinton: Medvedvy something
Obama: yeah whatever Timmy
Russert: what if he invades Kosovo???
Obama: i will send the National Guard to occupy the set of Meet the Press
Russert: oh noes!
Obama: i'm not kidding you dumb fat mick
Russert: any regrets
Clinton: my iraq vote - but i was against the war - really!
Russert: so to be clear you would like a time machine
Tim: will you pledge to expend funds on a flux capacitor
Clinton: what a fucktard you are
Obama: look i like Hillary Clinton and we both have big egos but we have heard heart breaking stories and these people are just looking for a little help -- i am sure that when I am the White Knight Standard Bearer i will be great
Brian Williams: please say something nasty about Hillary
Obama: oh fuck off i am not going to answer that -- vote for me or don't - i've made my case
Clinton: seriously Brian I thought Tim Russert was bad but you are also a fucker -- look I am running to be the first woman and i do believe that i can make change happen better because i know where the bodies are buried and where the levers of power are and I will go to bat for the poor and middle class - it's time someone did dammit
Williams: I'm brian williams - big rush limbaugh fan - thanks and good night