The Tonight Show with Barack Obama - March 20, 2009

The Tonight Show
Host: Jay Leno
Guest: President Barack Obama
March 20, 2009
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Leno: pleeze welcome our new Black Overlord, Barack Obama

[ band plays theme from the Odd Couple ]

Obama: I am in the House and I am the motherfuckin President!!

Leno: you still look like a young black man and yet something is different about you

Obama: i am surrounded by white men with guns

Leno: well as a black man you should be used to that

Obama: that's true

Leno: things suck now you are president

Obama: well you know we're going to slowly and carefully make the right decisions

Leno: what's the fucking deal with AIG

Obama: they sold a trillion dollars of shit

Leno: oh

Obama: they owe more money than there is on planet earth

Leno: crazee

Obama: so they went bankrupt and gave themselves super-bonuses which is arrogant

Leno: you don't know a lot of white people do you

Leno: let's take away the bonuses and let them sue us

Obama: they wrote rules to give themselves the money by law

Leno: awesome

Obama: there were no checks and balances

Leno: what an odd notion

Obama: whacky

Leno: i hate the bonuses but I am scared that the government now can just tax white people for no reason

Obama: calm down jay - no one's takin your pimped out antique cars negro

Leno: OMG i am frightened as an american that people may have to pay taxes

Obama: well sure but we have to pay for the things that we want to keep the country running

Leno: all right - who's going to jail??

Obama: i hate to tell you this Jayster but white people made all this shit legal

Leno: no!

Obama: no it's true - robbing people from the porch of a country club with a gin and tonic in your hand is legal

Leno: really

Obama: look it up fucker

Leno: These fuckers make Mr. Potter look like a saint

Obama: it turns out that all of Bush's economic growth was all fake

Leno: really?

Obama: Reagan's too

Leno: wow

Obama: we need to steer idiots away from investment banking and to something they can handle like finger painting

Leno: Timmy seems kind of dim

Obama: he was in the financial special olympics

Leno: that's cute

Obama: but the buck stops with me

Leno: ha truman used that metaphor

Obama: no it's actually the last dollar the government has

Leno: where did all our billions go?

Obama: the banks invested it in bonuses, caribbean vacations and million dollar luxury offices for CEOs

Leno: problem solved

Leno: where should people put there money somewhere risky like a bank or safe like the mattress

Obama: well people still need new shit - like new cars - granted they will probably not be america but still Wal Mart will probably get richer

Leno: will we plug in our cars?

Obama: even better - Mattel makes one which runs by pulling it backwards on the carpet

Leno: wow

Leno: let me ask you a personal question - did you have sex in Air Force One

Obama: dude i can't answer that

Leno: c'mon

Obama: dude you know i did

[ high fives Leno ]

Leno: do you still bowl?

Obama: i bowl Full Retard

Leno: you're black - what about basketball?

Obama: we'll tear up the tennis courts which is a silly white sport anyway

Leno: do people lose to the President?

Obama: they do if they don't want to get shot

Leno: who are your Final Four?

Obama: Me, Biden, Hillary and Bill

Leno: awesome

Leno: what about the First Dog

Obama: we're working on it

Leno: you should get a lapdog

Obama: i already have the white house press corps