The Tonight Show
Host: Jay Leno
Guest: President Barack Obama
March 20, 2009
Leno: pleeze welcome our new Black Overlord, Barack Obama
[ band plays theme from the Odd Couple ]
Obama: I am in the House and I am the motherfuckin President!!
Leno: you still look like a young black man and yet something is different about you
Obama: i am surrounded by white men with guns
Leno: well as a black man you should be used to that
Obama: that's true
Leno: things suck now you are president
Obama: well you know we're going to slowly and carefully make the right decisions
Leno: what's the fucking deal with AIG
Obama: they sold a trillion dollars of shit
Obama: they owe more money than there is on planet earth
Obama: so they went bankrupt and gave themselves super-bonuses which is arrogant
Leno: you don't know a lot of white people do you
Leno: let's take away the bonuses and let them sue us
Obama: they wrote rules to give themselves the money by law
Obama: there were no checks and balances
Leno: what an odd notion
Leno: i hate the bonuses but I am scared that the government now can just tax white people for no reason
Obama: calm down jay - no one's takin your pimped out antique cars negro
Leno: OMG i am frightened as an american that people may have to pay taxes
Obama: well sure but we have to pay for the things that we want to keep the country running
Leno: all right - who's going to jail??
Obama: i hate to tell you this Jayster but white people made all this shit legal
Obama: no it's true - robbing people from the porch of a country club with a gin and tonic in your hand is legal
Obama: look it up fucker
Leno: These fuckers make Mr. Potter look like a saint
Obama: it turns out that all of Bush's economic growth was all fake
Obama: Reagan's too
Obama: we need to steer idiots away from investment banking and to something they can handle like finger painting
Leno: Timmy seems kind of dim
Obama: he was in the financial special olympics
Leno: that's cute
Obama: but the buck stops with me
Leno: ha truman used that metaphor
Obama: no it's actually the last dollar the government has
Leno: where did all our billions go?
Obama: the banks invested it in bonuses, caribbean vacations and million dollar luxury offices for CEOs
Leno: problem solved
Leno: where should people put there money somewhere risky like a bank or safe like the mattress
Obama: well people still need new shit - like new cars - granted they will probably not be america but still Wal Mart will probably get richer
Leno: will we plug in our cars?
Obama: even better - Mattel makes one which runs by pulling it backwards on the carpet
Leno: let me ask you a personal question - did you have sex in Air Force One
Obama: dude i can't answer that
Obama: dude you know i did
[ high fives Leno ]
Leno: do you still bowl?
Obama: i bowl Full Retard
Leno: you're black - what about basketball?
Obama: we'll tear up the tennis courts which is a silly white sport anyway
Leno: do people lose to the President?
Obama: they do if they don't want to get shot
Leno: who are your Final Four?
Obama: Me, Biden, Hillary and Bill
Leno: what about the First Dog
Obama: we're working on it
Leno: you should get a lapdog
Obama: i already have the white house press corps