March 22, 2009
Host: Steve Kroft
Guest: President Barack Obama
Kroft: Were you surprised by the anger at AIG?
Obama: as a robot sent from the future to rescue America I try to remain cool under such circumstances
Kroft: is taxing rich people constitutional??
Obama: shockingly yes
Kroft: but this could affect thousands of innocent white people!!!
Obama: yes I know it’s a tragedy
Kroft: should you fire Tim Geithner
Obama: no way he’s my scapegoat - I mean my negro!
Kroft: why do people keep failing your high standards
Obama: they’re white and used to failing upwards
Kroft: rich people met your plan with a tepid response
Obama: yes I noticed
Kroft: why don’t rich people love your plan?
Obama: they want free money with no strings attached
Kroft: Do Wall Street people trust you to do the right thing and give them trillions for failing
Obama: I was thinking maybe Wall Streeters could get by on, say, 100 times what a teacher makes
Kroft: oh no my friends will quit Wall Street if you pay them less than $150,000 a year
Obama: I am playing the World’s Smallest Violin for them
Obama: gosh am I anti-Wall Street for pointing out that maybe these dicks don’t deserve millions for being the world’s biggest fuck-ups??
Kroft: were you surprised at the depth of Bush’s Depression?
Obama: even I was shocked at the level of his Suckitude
Kroft: Can America still fail?
Obama: there are some institutions that are so big that failure would destroy America
Kroft: like what
Obama: like Rush Limbaugh
Kroft: So the American experiment might crash and burn over greed and credit default swaps?
Obama: I won’t let than happen
Obama: not before I find out what’s happening on “Lost”
Kroft: Are we doomed
Obama: I give us 50/50
Kroft: is there light at the end of the tunnel?
Obama: interest rates are negative 10 percent so that’s good
Kroft: will you bailout the auto industry?
Obama: [ laughs ] if I give tax money to those people that I will crucified
Kroft: why are laughing - are you drunk?
Obama: Believe me I wish I was
Kroft: [ takes stiff drink ] you should dude - that’s how I get through the day
Obama: as I muslim I can’t drink
Kroft: Who should we bomb next?
Obama: either Pakistan or Alaska
Kroft: Cheney said if you don’t electrocute testicles we will be attacked again
Obama: that ignorant asshole has nearly wrecked America - he hasn’t made American safer he’s just rewarded Osama bin Laden
Kroft: George Bush released terrorists from Gitmo which is your fault
Obama: of course
Kroft: what should we do with shoplifters?
Obama: the ones who used to work for George Bush?
Kroft: no the regular ones
Obama: um, didn’t Cheney preside over the largest terrorist attack ever?
Kroft: but torture scares people into not attacking us!
Obama: sure maniacal terrorists totally use that logic
Kroft: you run the United States of America - what’s that like?
Obama: typically I open with a little nookie, talk to the Bombing and Empire Committee, and then the America is Fucked Team
Obama: I have a short commute to hell so that’s good
Kroft: do you like being President?
Obama: yes I spend most of the day calling old high school friends and say “what are you up to? I’m the motherfucking President!!”
Kroft: what’s the most difficult decision?
Obama: to attack a mountainous desert nation far away
Kroft: did we invade new mexico?
Kroft: what’s hardest about being President?
Obama: cleaning up George Bush’s incredible mess
Kroft: speaking of Bush - do you ever read?
Obama: I do actually - like I read the PDB every day
Kroft: to cover your ass?
Obama: no I’m actually interested
[ outside ]
Obama: this one crazy-ass swing set!
Kroft: are the kids having fun?
Obama: the kids love it and Michelle is gardening!
Kroft: we’ve come so far since slaves tended the grounds
Obama: don’t tempt me Steverino
Kroft: do you ever get lost in the White House?
Obama: It’s like a goddamm game of Clue
Kroft: is this a prison or the White House?
Obama: we’ve got a black man in the White House and Bernie
Madoff in 24-hour lockdown in NYC
Kroft: it’s a crazy world!