Monday, March 23, 2009

60 Minutes with Barack Obama - March 22, 2009

60 Minutes
March 22, 2009
Host: Steve Kroft
Guest: President Barack Obama
******************************
Kroft: Were you surprised by the anger at AIG?

Obama: as a robot sent from the future to rescue America I try to remain cool under such circumstances

Kroft: is taxing rich people constitutional??

Obama: shockingly yes

Kroft: but this could affect thousands of innocent white people!!!

Obama: yes I know it’s a tragedy

Kroft: should you fire Tim Geithner

Obama: no way he’s my scapegoat - I mean my negro!

Kroft: why do people keep failing your high standards

Obama: they’re white and used to failing upwards

Kroft: rich people met your plan with a tepid response

Obama: yes I noticed

Kroft: why don’t rich people love your plan?

Obama: they want free money with no strings attached

Kroft: Do Wall Street people trust you to do the right thing and give them trillions for failing

Obama: I was thinking maybe Wall Streeters could get by on, say, 100 times what a teacher makes

Kroft: oh no my friends will quit Wall Street if you pay them less than $150,000 a year

Obama: I am playing the World’s Smallest Violin for them

Kroft: awwww

Obama: gosh am I anti-Wall Street for pointing out that maybe these dicks don’t deserve millions for being the world’s biggest fuck-ups??

Kroft: were you surprised at the depth of Bush’s Depression?

Obama: even I was shocked at the level of his Suckitude

Kroft: Can America still fail?

Obama: there are some institutions that are so big that failure would destroy America

Kroft: like what

Obama: like Rush Limbaugh

Kroft: So the American experiment might crash and burn over greed and credit default swaps?

Obama: I won’t let than happen

Kroft: no?

Obama: not before I find out what’s happening on “Lost”

Kroft: Are we doomed

Obama: I give us 50/50

Kroft: is there light at the end of the tunnel?

Obama: interest rates are negative 10 percent so that’s good

Kroft: will you bailout the auto industry?

Obama: [ laughs ] if I give tax money to those people that I will crucified

Kroft: why are laughing - are you drunk?

Obama: Believe me I wish I was

Kroft: [ takes stiff drink ] you should dude - that’s how I get through the day

Obama: as I muslim I can’t drink

Kroft: Who should we bomb next?

Obama: either Pakistan or Alaska

Kroft: Cheney said if you don’t electrocute testicles we will be attacked again

Obama: that ignorant asshole has nearly wrecked America - he hasn’t made American safer he’s just rewarded Osama bin Laden

Kroft: George Bush released terrorists from Gitmo which is your fault

Obama: of course

Kroft: what should we do with shoplifters?

Obama: the ones who used to work for George Bush?

Kroft: no the regular ones

Obama: um, didn’t Cheney preside over the largest terrorist attack ever?

Kroft: but torture scares people into not attacking us!

Obama: sure maniacal terrorists totally use that logic

Kroft: you run the United States of America - what’s that like?

Obama: typically I open with a little nookie, talk to the Bombing and Empire Committee, and then the America is Fucked Team

Kroft: nice

Obama: I have a short commute to hell so that’s good

Kroft: do you like being President?

Obama: yes I spend most of the day calling old high school friends and say “what are you up to? I’m the motherfucking President!!”

Kroft: what’s the most difficult decision?

Obama: to attack a mountainous desert nation far away

Kroft: did we invade new mexico?

Kroft: what’s hardest about being President?

Obama: cleaning up George Bush’s incredible mess

Kroft: speaking of Bush - do you ever read?

Obama: I do actually - like I read the PDB every day

Kroft: to cover your ass?

Obama: no I’m actually interested

[ outside ]

Obama: this one crazy-ass swing set!

Kroft: are the kids having fun?

Obama: the kids love it and Michelle is gardening!

Kroft: we’ve come so far since slaves tended the grounds

Obama: don’t tempt me Steverino

Kroft: do you ever get lost in the White House?

Obama: It’s like a goddamm game of Clue

Kroft: is this a prison or the White House?

Obama: we’ve got a black man in the White House and Bernie
Madoff in 24-hour lockdown in NYC

Kroft: it’s a crazy world!
**************************************

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