President Barack Obama Press Conference
March 24, 2009
Obama: I want to remind people that it took George Bush years to fuck up America and it will take me time to fix it
Now first I threw a trillion dollars at you to build bridges and energy efficient Windows and Macs
Also I lowered interest rates to reinflate the housing bubble
I opened up credit markets by buying a huge toxic shitpile using your money
Finally, I have ordered all future emperors to go around naked and ask all Americans to stop fucking around with the stock market and get real jobs - wake the fuck America - D-Day was very nice but that was 50 years ago and it's time admit the goddam party is over
Now it's true I'm only one lonely talented black man
I'm very very angry about the bonuses - in fact my pulse rose to 72 beats per minutes and my cybernetic circuits overloaded
So I'm asking people to call the fuck down, and chill out
I got this!
AP: Should we welcome our new nerdy overlord?
Obama: darlin AIG is not a bank so the FDIC can't take it over like we all saw on 60 Minutes last week
AP: oh noe
Obama: this is why Timmy needs Super-Executive Plenary Authority to put your children to work in File Mines of Wall Street
AP: i don't trust the Government - look at Katrina, Iraq, Santa Claus
Obama: hey what can I say - Bush sucked
Todd: given this new ridiculous silly era of so called personal responsibility why don't meet some arbitrary condition of sacrifice from the american people?
Obama: Hey Goatee-boy maybe you didn't notice but people are already suffering
Todd: Call to action blah blah blah
Obama: I'll start with a little sacrificing right now Toddster if that's what you want
Todd: i'll be good
Tapper: Will you veto a budget without tax cuts, cap n trade and outlawing neckties?
Obama: i expect them to xerox it and sent it me
Xerox: No no no the word is photocopy!!!
Obama: i will fuck the polluters and by the way it promotes economic growth
Tapper: will you be my Twitter friend?
Obama: no you're an idiot
Tapper [ twittering ]
obama sez no to tweet me
Chip Reid: My Rush-loving Mom says you have proposed the most irresponsible budget in history
Obama: Chipper your buddies gave me a trillion dollar deficit
Obama: here's what I do know Chipmunk - we have to invest in America and grow this economy or we'll never succeed
Chip: but the debt!
Obama: is driven by structural problems that won't be solved by bombing third world nations
Chip Reid: but the debt goes up up up!!
Obama: just like my popularity
Tapper: oh snap!
Obama: heh heh
Chip: but the Republicans-
Obama: oh shut up you little dickweed
Chip: how rude
Obama: i'm not going to lie to you - you're a moron
Obama: and a hack
Lourdes, Telemundo: Will you invade Mexico?
Obama: Sure that sounds like a great idea with no downside
Bush [ at home ]
Shee-it - wha dinn ah think ah that!
[ throws shoe at tv, misses ]
Stars & Stripes: Bush fucked veterans but good - will you be any better?
Obama: we have to keep America safe and not waste money and everyone knows the Pentagon wastes money
McCain: no he hates America!
Obama: John McCain said that!
McCain: i did?
McCain: who am i talking to
Obama: i'm in your head!
Ed Henry: Why did you wait to go public with the manufactured outrage the media demanded?
Obama: boy did you shellack your haid?
Henry: Speaking of GOP spin I just remembered that after 30 years the debt is important!!
Obama: you amuse me - but we can decide not improve our schools and get beat by India and Tuvalu or we can invest and improve America
Henry: i dropped out after third grade and it didn't hurt me none
Obama: your shoes are on the wrong feet Ed
Henry: mah feets?
Henry: but Cuomo Smash! Why you wait to Smash too?
Obama: am in the Journalism Special Olympics?
Q: the Commie Red Chinese think you spend too much!!
Obama: Look I met with Paul Rudd this morning and i told him our fiscal sitution is sound and that 'I Love You Man' was predictable yet amusing
Mike Allen: why do you want to kill all charities?
Obama: You bald inbred twit - the charity tax deduction benefits really rich people and maybe it's time to benefit the bottom 99%
Allen: will you rub my head?
Obama: this is a sick crowd
Allen: but no one will donate anymore!
Obama: well the don't sound too charitable to me
Allen: but are you calling the charities wrong?
Allen: oh my
Obama: you know what hurts charities?
Allen: gun control?
Obama: Republican economies
Lourdes: ohh la snap!
Question: what do you say to people living under a bridge?
Obama: i tell them it's unacceptable and we are dealing with it by creating more programs and trying to fix the Bush economy
Straight Outta Compton: hey you're black
Obama: i know
Compton: tell us about 64 days of blackness in the White House
Obama: i am focused on the economy but thanks for the odd question
Wingnut: Do you even care about little frozen babies - baby killer!!!
Obama: Look wingnut - I'm trying to save lives and maybe you hadn't heard at Loony School but Bush threw those snowflake babies in the trash
Wingnut: the Holy Trash of Antioch!
Obama: I’m following the science
Wingnut: Science! The Nazis were scientists! What about the Bible?!
Obama: uh right
Brit: The Palestinians and Israelis have gone off the deep end - so how's that middle east peace looking now?
Obama: I truly can't believe the level of Fuckitude I have inherited
Brit: we should have never let that colony go
Obama: hey the Brits and Irish fought and made peace
Brit: i was talking about the American colonies
Obama: i have inherited some very naughty problems and yet I believe in slow, steady, patient progress - i saw a headline on CNN this morning "Geithner - Zero to Hero"
Obama: and i thought it was stupid
Obama: Jake Tapper twittered that Iran didn't immediately respond to my overture
Tapper: [ Twitters ]
O-man sed my name
Obama: Look this is like a turning around are very very big sinking ship - so check in with me in four years
Tapper: but but
Obama: I said four years fuckers!!!