Thursday, January 31, 2008

Republican Debate, CNN - January 31, 2008

Republican Debate
Simi Valley, California
January 31, 2008
Host: Anderson Cooper
Sen. John McCain
Gov. Mitt Romney
Gov. Mike Huckabee
Rep. Ron Paul

Anderson Cooper: Welcome to the Republican Debate - the only rules are that there are no rules!!!

Cooper: are Americans better off than they were 8 years ago??

Mitt: when i was governor Massachusetts was in a big diggy ditch and we lost jobs for 2 years but now things have grown 1%

Cooper: does Bush suck?

Mitt: of course he does

McCain: no! Americans are much better off we have low inflation-

Cooper: no we don't

McCain: ok let me rephrase that - Bush does suck but that Facebook kid is better off

Cooper: but he's only one 21 years old

McCain: we need to eliminate income taxes and alternative taxes

Cooper: better off or not??

McCain: Yesno

Cooper: thanks for the strait talk

Huckabee: no! we are not better off 8 years ago - but let's put the blame where it belongs - the liberals in Congress who are responsible for the housing crisis and putting groceries on their family

Ron Paul: no we're worse off because we are building an empire and bankrupting the country and the middle class can't support our aristocrats anymore

Hook: Mitt, is McCain a liberal?

Romney: he's a freak - he doesn't want to drill in Alaska or cut high income taxes or put more money into politics

Hook: Oh noes!

Romney: he loves brown illegals and he's having an affair with Joe Lieberman the GOP hates that

Hook: but half the GOP are closeted gays

Romney: yeah but jew and christian hugging -- ick

McCain: i'm not a liberal - I'm proud of helping our little soliders and Governor Thetan over there lost 14% of manufacturing jobs and he raised taxes by 700 billion dollars

Hook: he's got ya there slick

McCain: look radical conservatives like Lindsay Graham and Joe Lieberman support me

Romney: hey rodent face you got your facts wrong my Lt Gov luvs me but some liberals love you and yeah we raised fees

Cooper: snap!

Mitt: facts are stupid things

Huckabee: you want to talk crazy - i'll give you crazy - i want to regulate marriage, uteruses, heck in my state now you can hate gay people over the Internet

Cooper: what about taxes?

Huckabee: i paid to print envelopes asking people to give money voluntarily pay more taxes

Cooper: that's the dumbest stunt i've ever heard of

Huckabee: no it's clever

Cooper: so let's eliminate all taxes and pay for the Iraq that way

Huckster: oh noes!

Romney: the problem with health insurance today is there are too many people driving Cadillacs free riding on welfare in the ER

audience: [yay someone to hate!]

Hook: states rights or corporate rights???

McCain: global warming is sadly real i should know i remember when the earth was this warm before

Hook: but that was 800,000 years ago Senator

McCain: i know that

Hook: what's the answer to global warming

McCain: General Electric

Romney: we buy $1 billion in oil a day which is probably bad

Cooper: Al Gore was right

Romney: but we need to do it without any costs at all - otherwise we should do anything

Cooper: sounds like the GOP all right

Romney: they will move coal plants to China we can't have that

Cooper: oh noes!

Huckabee: the genius of our system is that if California fails other states will take advatage of that to steal their jobs

Cooper: yay!

Huckabee: we have a great system that pits one american against another

Paul: i want to talk about the gold standard and the French and Indian War

Cooper: perhaps another time

Hook: Hucky are you trying to recreate the WPA?

Huckabee: too many people are stuck in traffic because our infrastrucure is crumbling and little piano recitals are being missed

Hook: so so sad

Romney: oh sure building a road sounds like a great idea but it would be expensive so we can't do it

Paul: we blow up bridges overseas and let them fall here - then borrow money from the chinese to rebuild them both

Cooper: what a system

Vandehei: amanda huginkiss has a question

McCain: Paulson has impressed me with his ability to sit down

Vandehei: i want amanda huginkiss

McCain: i'm going to ramble incoherently on the housing crisis for a few minutes

Cooper: go with your strengths

McCain: i love america

Cooper: what else

McCain: it's all psychology just give the american people a happy pill

Hook: are the Bush tax cuts skewed to the wealthy or not

McCain: i will answer that question by citing Jack Kemp and events from 25 years ago

Hook: how impressive

McCain: we spend a lot and if you had done what i wanted to do whaaa whaaa whaaa

Hook: you are a big baby aren't you

Q: some dood from Milwaukee hates anchor babys

Huckabee: i will dodge that but propose an adult responsible answer: a giant 2,000 mile fence

Q: illegal babys dood

Huckabee: send them to the back of the line - we don't do it to be cruel we crush people but only out of love

Q: ah the motto of the Republican Party

Q: deport everyone who is illegal

Romney: well look if the teenagers have summer jobs they can finish them and then go back to mexico

Q: just enough for their employers to hire a new illegal

Romney: don't be silly they will go underground like moroni intended

[ yay!! ]

Hook: Rodentia you for your own proposal before you were against it

McCain: we can argue about how killed who but the important thing is we build a really really big fence and force all Americans to carry around an ID card with their DNA imprinted on it

Hook: or else what

McCain: they will be shot on sight

Cooper: so to confirm - you hate yourself

McCain: fuck you pansy

Cooper: i am holding a precious document: the Reagan diaries - let me read it "today i liberated Auschwitz and ate a jelly bean"

Huckabee: see that proves we should value life even if they have a mental illness

Cooper: Sandra Day O’Connor

Paul: that living document bitch

McCain: did you read that her husband is having an affair with another dood with Alzheimers wow!

Cooper: too bad Reagan is dead what a fairy tale ending that would have been

Nancy: he was banging Maggie but i didn't mind it was in the stars

Ahnold: he'll be back

Cooper: Peggy Noonan says President Stupid destroyed the GOP

Romney: undoubtedly that's true but i blame George Washington

Cooper: Bush is the victim?

Romeny: right he was blindsided when Iraq attacked America and the Dems were asked if it were important if america be declared the winner in our war against desert crazy people and they said no

Hook: is McCain a liar or are you a surrender minky

Romney: all analysts and journalists know that POW John is lying about withdrawing from Iraq but he gets free pass because he was in the Nam - well joy lets elect Chris Walken President

Hook: so you hate America?

Romney: it was lying dirty tricks

McCain: no he said he wanted a timetable and I was prepared to sacrifice any american lives necessary and April was a very interesting year in 2007

Cooper: huh

McCain: they were laying in the weeds

Romeny: why are you lying Senator Senility

McCain: the weeds, the lying

Mitt: what the fuck Chimpmunk

McCain: we were laying in the weeds

Romney: Senator you are a fucking senile idiot

McCain: he was using the buzzwords of hippies and liberals and surrender monkeys

Romeny: hey i received a briefing from Fred Kagan and he explained the Surge would be Awesome

Romney: McCain is lying and every media outlet knows it but he got it out there because he is a fucking liar

McCain: timetables were the buzzword and yeah but my friend you also had a negative ad my friend so you used a heretical buzzword my friend

Paul: holy fuck the two of you are fucking insane could we please debate whether we are even going to have an American Empire

Huckabee: look at me! I'm an expert on Al Qaeda and Iraq!

Cooper: thrill us

Huckabee: we owe it to all US soldier who have died to pretend that it was worth it no matter how many more soldiers have to be killed

McCain: we have to stay in Iraq for 100 years and I am the only one who knew Rumsfeld was a shithead

Cooper: and all Dems, liberals, and bloggers

McCain: yeah but i will bring our troops home with honor

Cooper: but not for 100 years

McCain: right

Hook: what do you think of Putin

Huckabee: since i don't know who that is i will say that i think the air force, navy and army should be strong

Romney: he's from Russia dood

Huck: [slaps forehead] i knew that!

Romney: there are 4 major powers on earth -- Russian, China, al Qeada and the USA

Cooper: ok

Mitt: China is giving nuclear weapons to Iran

Hook: you have no leadership experience

McCain: Romney wants to surrender to islam and he took the strawberries and i could prove it with geometric logic but they took they keys and i know there was a duplicate copy and that's where i got them

Cooper: ok Mittster

Romney: for pete's sake i was a Governor he's led a tiny Senate office and I ran the olympics so i know you hate small businesses but its businesess that provide for the military, not the other way around

Cooper: but he was a POW

Romney: hey i was commader in chief of the Massachusetts military

Cooper: Gay Brigade?

Romeny: i will be a great commander in chief by running a great economy heck i ran Duane Reed

McCain: losts of old fogeys support me

Paul: i will be a great C-in-C because i wil stop the Fed from printing money and i won't send soliders into stupid quagmires around the world

Huckabee: i was Governor for a decade and it's like being a tiny president but people in Washington don't understand how states operate

Cooper: where did all those people in Washington come from anyway

Huckster: i don't know but they hate families with children

Cooper: would Saint Roonie fellate you

Romeny: yes he would hate gays, love fetuses, and would kill brown people and that's what i want to do

Cooper: what else

Romney: he would be selfish, shortsighted, dishonest, and purely phony -- and that's me

McCain: no i'm like Ronald Reagan - he was old and senile and a pandering militarist like me

Paul: Reagan campaigned for me and he told me that no great nation should ever go off the gold standard we are all going to hell

Huckabee: well he is dead and his mind was gone anyway - but i will say this, Reagan was more than just a policy wonk

Cooper: what???

Huckabee: yes he was a terrible president, but he united us in racism and flag waving and crippling self serving bullshit

[ yay!!! ]

Cooper: good night from the Pharonic Airplane Hanger of Doom

Sunday, January 27, 2008

MEET THE PRESS - Guest John McCain - January 27, 2008

Meet The Press
January 27, 2008
Guest: Sen. John McCain

Russert: you hate Mitt Romney

McCain: he's flip flopped on the Surge which was the Greatest Thing Ever in the History of the Universe

Russert: that and pudding

McCain: that is good also

Russert: what else

McCain: if we listened to Mitt we would have a timetable and Al Qeada would now be having a parade down Times Square

Russert: is Romney a surrender monkey?

McCain: Hillary would withdraw from Iraq to me that is surrender

Russert: Mitt?

McCain: he said the Surge was apparently working

Tim: so?

McCain: it wasn't apparently working it was working

Tim: you're weird

Timmy: americans hate the war and you still love it

McCain: there is no doubt my favorite war has been mishandled

Tim: true

McCain: as long as i can show Americans a really fun occupation they will come around to staying for 100 years

Tim: what's a fun occupation?

McCain: M*A*S*H

Tim: the war was a mistake

McCain: no he used chemical weapons in 1986 so of course we invaded in 2003

Tim: naturally

McCain: the world is dangerous and scary and Saddam had a mustache

Tim: are you kidding

McCain: Oil for Food scandal!

Tim: that's it?

McCain: there will be genocide and chaos in Iraq

Tim: wow the war really was a good idea then

Tim: you lied in teh Debate. to me!!!

Russert: hey i attended the national war college

Tim: kappa delta killa

McCain: that was fun

Tim: you know nothing about the economy

McCain: hey carly fiorina endorsed me!

Tim: didn't they fire her ass?

Russert: you were against the bush tax cuts before you were for them

McCain: look this is very very simple i against cutting the taxes when they were tax cuts but now i am in favor of them because now they would be raising taxes

Russert: huh?

McCain: i was in favor of cuttting spending

Russert: the Iraq was free?

McCain: well teh oil was going to pay for it

Tim: how's that working for you

McCain: fuck you fatty

Russert: you changed your mind about the tax cuts

McCain: look i've said 500 times that i would only support them if i was running for the GOP nomination - i've been totally consistent

Russert: Ricky Santorum says you have an illegitimate puppy with a black lab

McCain: that bitch is lying

Russert: GOP hate you

McCain: yeah but i can beat Hillary

Russert: are and joe lieberman getting married?

McCain: i will embrace him anywhere and anytime and i am not ashamed to say it

Russert: your love has no bounds

McCain: i am proud to have him as a lover and a life partner

Tim: why do you love him so

McCain: he won't surrender to Al Qaeda like the hippies

Russert: illegal immigrants

McCain: all Americans will have to carry around a biometric ID card

Russert: what else

McCain: UAV, cameras, heat detectors, a wall and shoot on sight

Russert: how nice

McCain: ok look if you sign on to our Judeo-Christian crusade you can stay

Russert: will you be president

McCain: yes my friend when pigs fly

Russert: Rush Limbaugh hates you

McCain: i wouldn't share my Oxycotin stash with him at Davos and that fat fuck has never forgiven me

Russert: but GOP is against you

McCain: look i hate brown people and i want to kill more and more and more

Russert: so Rush should support you

McCain: right it's all about hate

Russert: thad cochran says you are an unstable lunatic

McCain: i've always loved him

Russert: why the hate

McCain: we had a bad breakup but i still love him

Russert: thad loathes you

McCain: he's an appropriator and pork barreller

Russert: Bill Clinton says you were Hillary's lover

McCain: i accept his endorsement

Russert: will it be boring

McCain: no we will talk about taxes and radical jihad

Russert: that sounds fucking dull

McCain: ha ha ha ha

McCain: we agree on everything except my zeal to kill exceeds hers

Tim: you have a different philosophy

McCain: indeed kill kill kill

Russert: South Carolina!!!

Todd: Bill drove blacks to Obama and whites to Edwards

Timmy: brilliant!

Todd: repuke of Clintons

Russert: little Caroline haz endorzed Barack

Dowd: it's huge it's like Obama is the real inheritor of the powerful JFK mantle and not Hillary or Bill

Russert: Byron York you look like you are down with the blacks voters

York: Who among us does not like to get jiggy with it?

York: i was talking to my Democrat friend and after surrending to al qaeda in the morning she went to volunteer for Obama

Tim: so sad

York: where the white women at?

Russert: they exploited his blackness and Bob Herbert is mad

Dowd: the Big Dog went right after him

Tim: he is really cool

Dowd: but who is really running here Bill or Hillary

Tim: good point

Dowd: the Onion nailed it

Tim: as they so often do

Russert: Leahy Daschle Kerry say Big Dog is too slobbery

Todd: dood this all about power - plus old personal feelings

Timmy: Politics is about power and snubs and dislikes

Todd: so true

Dowd: she is dependent on Bill

Timmy: i hate a marriage like that

Dowd: they will trash anyone even Alexander Hamilton had an affair

Timmy: they shot that treasury creating bastard

York's Hair: Obama can't rely on black vote anymore

Timmy: not that many chocolate cities

York's Hair: but Iowa is a marsmallow and he won there

Timmeh: people used to like Rudy and now they despise him -- why???

Todd: well people got to know him

Yorkie: no Rudy just had a very very poor strategy

Todd: yeah showing people who he is

Yorkie: so sad

Timmy: he really is a cheap crook isn't he

Dowd: what a fucking flameout the whole 9/11 legacy is trashed

Tim: so what happens now

Dowd: Guiliani Partners will grovel to the Saudis

Todd: Romney has to win in Florida or McCain will be unstoppable

Tim: can he win?

Todd: yes there are a lot of inbred morons in Florda

Timmy: Bill says McCain and Hillary love each other

Dowd: but he says she wants America to surrender

York: McCain is liberal loving jerk

Tim: so he's doomed

York: no because we all hate hillary so much

Dowd: Obama is not the daddy figure he's more like our Magic Negro Child

Tim: he's like the Webster of politics

Dowd: or Gary Coleman he's adorable

Todd: Bill spoke las night not Hillary that was weird

Dowd: it's the Rise of Billary - no can stop it and it can't be reasoned with

Russert: Barack is a black John Connor

Russert: thanks for coming loony

The Chris Matthews Show - January 27, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
January 27, 2008
Tweety: wow obama and clintons not getting along!

Page: she is tough Dems want that so Obama must be tough too

Tweety: but swift boating works

Kay: Obama is caught in politics Obama in real trouble now

Heileman: Nobody puts Bill Clinton in a a corner

Tweety: he lives rent free in Obama's head

Bumiller: well Obama is a slum lord

Tweety: obama is a bright shiny toy

Heileman: he's cute

Kay: put them in a black box

Page: that's the Chicago Way

Tweety: bring a miracle to a gunfight and hit back that's the Israel way

Page: Dems are doomed

Bumiller: GOP hate McCain but think he can win

Kay: people love or hate McCain no one cares about Mitt he's dull

Tweety: no i love him he's running against Washington!

Heileman: Economy his a huge advantage for the scientologist

Tweety: McCain read greenspan's book that magnificent bastard!

Kay: Mitt doens't have to raise $$$

Tweety: life is unfair said JFK

Kay: wasn't he's young rich handsome and successful?

Tweety: see what i mean

Heileman: why Rudy flames out it helps Mitt

Tweety: you new yorkers can't wait!!

Heileman: damm fucking right

Tweety: Hillary and Obama 08

Page: no way ticket should have a white guy

Kay: no way - he would say no

Bumiller: it's possible

Heileman: he would do it to be presnit

Tweety: i love it!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Republican Presidential Debate - January 24, 2008


Republican Presidential Debate
Boca Raton, Florida
January 24, 2008
Hosts: Brian Williams, Tim Russert

Williams: that's it we're moving to Boca!!!

Williams: Let's begin Willard do you like Bush's plan

Russert: well gas is expensive that makes sense to me but i also had a savings plan tax cut and low income tax cut and a corporate tax cut

Williams: oh sensing a pattern

Romney: i like homeowners dunno hopw all this crazy home crisis happened to yeah FHA rulz

Williams: yur in Congress Senator Tiger Cage

McCain: i love love love the Bush tax cuts

Brian: what else

McCain: lower corporate taxes also did i mention the Bush tax cuts?

Brian: yeah

McCain: well then cut corporate tax cuts

Williams: what say you benito

Rudy: they don't go far enough - there is no distinction between temporary and permanenent for example all jobs today are temporary

Brian: what else

Rudy: major tax reductions - they have gotten so high under Bush

Russert: Sen. POW you know nothing about economics so who in their right mind would vote 4 u

McCain: that's crazy marty feldman supports me

Tim: Eye-gor?

McCain: also jack kemp and phil gramm and the corpse of ronald reagan

Tim: quite a brain trust

Williams: what say you benito

Rudy: they don't go far enough - there is no distinction between temporary and permanenent for example all jobs today are temporary

Brian: what else

Rudy: major tax reductions - they have gotten so high under Bush

Russert: Sen. POW you know nothing about economics so who in their right mind would vote 4 u

McCain: that's crazy marty feldman supports me

Tim: Eye-gor?

McCain: also jack kemp and phil gramm and the corpse of ronald reagan

Tim: quite a brain trust

Huckabee: we're just going to send $150 billion to china - instead let's build 2 lanes of highway 2,000 miles across teh USA

Timmy: but you sound like FDR government can spend money best

Huckster: hey people are missing Rudy's dance recitals stuck in traffic

Romney: i put money away for a rainy day in Massachusetts and we have a lot of those

Tim: you hate Mccain don't you

Romney: he voted against Bush tax cuts and i have special scientologist Xenu DNA

McCain: i voted against Bush tax cuts and they were bad when spending was igh but now we must keep them because spending is high

Williams: let's go the Crazy Man

Paul: Bush wants to print more money we should just get rid of all regulations

Brian: like what

Paul: stopping at red lights - its pure fascism!

Paul: i want to see america frozen and repeal sarbannes oxley and end the war and the Empire

Williams: now to make Paul look normal i turn to Mayor Rudy Alaweed

Rudy: no that was very different i took Prince to Ground Zero and he gave me $10 million and then insulted Israel so naturally i told the widows and kids sorry but my grandstanding comes first

Williams: well of course

Rudy: the japanese came and i am pretty much in favor of Saudi ownership of the USA as long as they zip it about Israel

Russert: when the democrats were in charge everything was good and now it all sucks

McCain: ignore the record Dems will not restore stability of our bodily fluids they will spend like crazy

Russert: um dood i just said you ran up a 9 trillion debt

McCain: i will impose sadomasocism in the federal goverment and harsh leather laden discipline

Huckster: it's not Bush's fault after all he never pretended to care about anyone but the rich

Tim: that's true

Huckster: i'm the only who even seems aware that America is in the shitter and poor people get the shaft

Romney: It's all Washington's fault

Tim: George?

Romney: that cherry tree cutting motherfucker

Tim: why elect you

Mitt: i turned around the Olympics

Tim: that's it

Mitty: we are teh party of economic responsibility

Tim: all evidence to the contrary

Rudy: hey i turned around a Communist City

Paul: i want an old fashioned program

Brain: how old?

Paul: bring back the Klan!

Brian: you seem excited

Paul: it's a new era and we're waving the flag of revolution of tiny dollars

Florida Guy: Are you going to cut spending or stay in Iraq?

McCain: Hillary wants to surrender and we will have more American blood shed by leaving because then al qaeda will have won

FG: huh?

McCain: look America has an obligation to run the world and finally no retreat and no surrender

Williams: how do we add to the army?

Mitty: bribe them by giving them college

Williams: how nice

Romney: the Dems all said the other night that they didn't want to win

Williams: oh i missed that

Romney: they will allow al qaeda to hav a save haven from which to attack america

Williams: i thought that was florida

Romney: hillary is a bad Vagina Generata

Timmy: was it a mistake

McCain: saddam was hell bent on being bad but Rumsfeld was also bad

Tim: worth it

McCain: no but we have to stay to preserve our honor

Rudy: i am in favor of the war because we get to crack some brown skulls and i am not going to let some faggy polls push me around

Paul: idiots there weren't even mass weapons jeesus

Huckster: i thank bush for recognizing that even though Saddam wasn't a threat he acted and wasn't it nice when we were all united around bullshit?

Romney: Bush is wonderful although the war was screwed up for 5 years it's great now we've changed lives there

Williams: we killed 400,000

Romney: lucky ones r in heaven

Brian: ah

Romney: the fucking chinese are fine for making toys and jesus figurines but how do make sure they don't get away with patenting pharmaceuticals and shit like that

Rudy: China is wonderful and scary - it's scary because you can't sue over there but then again we can try to sell shit to China

Brian: but we don't make anything

Rudy: we can sell them our women?

Brian: what else

Rudy: Bill Clinton destroyed our military and need more soldiers to attack our new chinese friends

McCain: i want to ask Huckabee how do you get people to support you and wear t-shirts i can't get any non-journalists to support me

Huckabee: Dr Phil wants to abolish the IRS and i agree tax spending it's just consumption

McCain: but the poor

Huckabee: no once a month you send a form to the federal CRS

McCain: what is that

Huckster: Consumption Revenue Service -- they will be allowed to shoot on sight to prevent an underground economy

Timmy: i like it

Huckster: Hookers would pay sales tax

Timmy: save your receipts!

Ron Paul: what about the Bilderburg Group?!?!?!

McCain: i can't talk about that

Paul: c'mon

McCain: no seriously Pete Peterson would kill me and that man is lethal

Paul: show some guts

McCain: Phil Gramm!! Phil Gramm!!

Huckster: Mitty do u luv gunz

Mitty: i like to provide relaxation in gun use

Huck: me too

Willard: i like laws but not new ones and i like hunting and whatever you inbred hicks do

Rudy: property insurance is hard to get

Brain: that's your question??

Rudy: Observe my Florida ju-jitsu

McCain: shut the fuck up greaseball

Romney: all Floridians deserve to have the federal government subsidize their home insurance and i am very sensitive to this think of all the poor people from Massachusetts who vacation in Florida every winter

Brian Williams: so so so sad

McCain: we have to address global warming to build a big risk pool

Brian: what stops private insurers from doing this now?

McCain: no i will call everyone to a big table and give people free hurricane insurance

Russert: greenhouse gases are a threat to Talhassee

Rudy: the best answer to emulate the French and build a nuclear power plants out of coal

Russert: anything else?

Rudy: liquid natural gas

Russert: that's a fossil fuel idiot

Rudy: biofuels, bitches!!!

McCain: we have to address global warming to build a big risk pool

Brian: what stops private insurers from doing this now?

McCain: no i will call everyone to a big table and give people free hurricane insurance

Russert: greenhouse gases are a threat to Talhassee

Rudy: the best answer to emulate the French and build a nuclear power plants out of coal

Russert: anything else?

Rudy: liquid natural gas

Russert: that's a fossil fuel idiot

Rudy: biofuels, bitches!!!

McCain: violent weather will destory Florida!!

Brian: Rudy you suck more than any one has ever sucked

Rudy: i'm lulling you all into a false sense of security by total looserness

Brian: like you sucked al qeada by making the Twin Towers such a tempting target

Rudy: exactly

Williams: your own mother hates you

McCain: people are very worried by the islamic attacks against america for the last few years

Williams: oh of course

McCain: also i appeal to Republicans with global warming and defending Israel

Brian: naturally

Russert: please attack Bill Clinton

Romney: Bill will have more sex in the oval office

Timmeh: ha hah ha ha hha please say more

Romney: hillary has a health care plan

Russert: oh noes!

Romney: she doesn't even want to stay in Iraq to justify the deaths we've already had

Russert: what else is evil about Hillary

Romney: she has been in Washington too long

Russert: and?

Romney: we can't send her back to Washington

Russert: where she already is?

Romney: right

Timmy: you spend so much of your millons

Romney: hey i saved wisely and because i am so rich i am in touch with america

Williams: Americans hate mormons

Mitt: as a scientologist i believe that no religous test shall be required and i will pledge not to put a statue to Xenu on teh White House Lawn

Williams: Hillary is like Big Brother a boot smashing a face forever

Tim: you're fucking weird

Timmy: abolish social security?

Paul: end the american empire!

Timmy: Helicopter Ben wants to put America's elderly on an ice floe - do you agree

Huckster: dood if you want your sons to inherit alot of money drop out

Tim: your stupid sales tax is unlikely

Huckster: don't be pessimisstic

Tim: oh i'm being optimistic dood

Russert: will you raise taxes Dog on Roof?

Mitt: no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no nono no no no no no

Tim: ok ok

Mitt: it would kill America!

Tim: which is really strong

Mitt: right

Tim: but incredibly fragile

Mitt: exactly

Florida: do you hate spanish people and if you don't why woo them

Rudy: very simple we should fence off America and make all American citizens carry an ID card

Florida: so why have ads in Spanish

Rudy: bilingual americans!

Russert: Cubans are better than Mexicans and North Koreans???

Rudy: Castro is really really bad

Timmy: u luv hugo chavez?

Rudy: he's a nice guy

Journalist: is Sen. Squirrel Face too old?

Huckster: Carlos Norris would kick me if I disagreed

McCain: Rocky and Rambo will beat your buddies up

Williams: New Yorkers hate you too they say you are vindictive arrogant and a sick fuck

Rudy: the new york times are all commies

Williams: i just got a fax saying you are a flip flopper

Mitt: i flip flop strategically i'm going to Washington oppose typical politicians outlaw all Thetans

Williams: were you brainwashed in the 'Nam puffy?

McCain: Rudy is an American Hero he alone united America after 9/11

[ Bush, drunk, watching tv on the third floor of
the White House - 'fuck you too, asshole' ]

Huckster: i am a christian and i am here to bravely stick up for God

Paul: I don't plan to run as third party but dammitt you used to be against debt and now look at us we're all militaristic psychopaths

Williams: Ron Paul and his crazy fans get the last word good night from Boca and let's get a double martini get on the golf carts and go wheeeeeee

Monday, January 21, 2008

Democratic Debate - January 21, 2008

Democratic Debate
Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
January 21, 2008

Wolf: let's welcome the candidates - the cute guy, the black guy, and the chick!

[ awkward hand waving ]

[ awkward hand shaking ]

[ awkward clapping ]

Wolf: what substantive issues will be discussing tonight?

Expert: personalities - we want to know who we are voting for

Wolf: MLK was black did you know that Suzanne?

[ awkward silence ]

Wolf: thanks to the black caucus and teh Palace theatre

[woo hoo]

Wolf: Def Beard Leslie Jam!

[ awkward audience disbelief ]

Wolf: we will have no time limits and no rules it will be like Debate Unplugged

[ awkward scene of candidates looking uncomfortable ]

Joe Johns: maybe you heard the markets are in a tailspin so what's your answer

Clinton: economy is the #1 issue at the kitchen table i called for a stimulus as early as December of 2007

Johns: so long ago

Clinton: interest rate freeze for 5 years and give people $650 to pay their energy bills this winter

Johns: that should arrive by July

Clinton: Bush would exclude 70 million people

Johns: which ones?

Clinton: surprise - poor people

Obama: people forget that Martin Luther King marched for jobs and so I'm glad Hillary has joined my plan

Edwards: hey MLK had a poor people's campaign and now it's bad the rich are getting richer

Leslie: stimulate me

Edwards: i have an anti poverty plan but my proposal is better because it wouldn't just give money away but would invest in green jobs and kill the Peruvian trade deal

Leslie: so Hillary and Barack are wrong

Edwards: no i just want to do it all more

Obama: dood Peru is tiny and that agreement is cool and John you voted for free trade with freaking China

Hillary: let's not fuck with the tax code


Hillary: but the crisis is out of control and Bush's plan sucks and so we need to spend on solar panels and insulation for homes

Leslie: oooh insulation

Edwards: my father worked in the mill for 36 years and the problem with Peru is you trust the President who is George W Bush

Obama: not when I'm President dood

[ yay! ]

Obama: i worked with laid off steel worked these people got royally screwed

Malveax: Hillary Clinton says you suck Obama

Obama: well she lied pretty lady

Malveax: do tell handsome

Obama: Bill Clinton has also been lying about me it's all too typical

Leslie: like what

Obama: son of a bitch going on about things I said that are not fucking true and I know no one cares about this but we should take the high road

Hillary: oh no he said he loved the Republican ideas and I happen to disagree - plus he makes promises that he can't pay for so, so, bad

Wolf: that is sad

Hillary: Obama voted to fund the fucking war OMG!!!!

Obama: you brought up Ronald Reagan

Hillary: no i did not

Obama: but you husband did

Hillary: well he's not here

Obama: well sometimes its hard to tell

Hillary: oh we are just getting warmed up i read the transcript

Obama: you said i liked the GOP and I did not say that - I said he was transformative and we need to co-opt his ideas

Hillary: maybe i fudged a little but you represented a slum lord!!

Edwards: Children are dying of hunger while these two trade silly barbs


Edwards: i was the first to come out an anti poverty plan, health care plan, and global warming plan and we need to fix social security

Leslie: stop talking pretty man

Edwards: oh fuck you - you let them go on forever

[ yay! ]

Jasper Johns: is subprime racial?

Edwards: yes and yes - if you are black you have a net worth of 10% of white families which is a result of slavery and discrimination and these predatory lenders are evil

Johns: what else

Edwards: some of these people have no bank account

Leslie: alright, enough

Clinton: i called for action last March while crazy man Cramer was saying buy buy the worldwide economy was teetering and besides the banks are in real trouble and Abu Dhabi will steal our poor people's homes

Obama: 2 years ago i introduced a bill to eliminate predatory lending which i also did at the states - and i stood up to the special interests

Leslie: are you a slumlord

Obama: no i did 5 hours worth of work and she and Bill are liars

Hillary: i like it when the bills i support fail but all he does is the bidding of insurance companies

Obama: fuck you

Hillary: you have to expect people to distort your record - i'm used to it, are you?

Obama: i get it people lie about you so you lie about me

Hillary: the man supports sex shops in schools and predators

Obama: oh lordy she will say anything to get elected

[ hillary smirking ]

Obama: i spent a month resonding to their lies

Clinton: well it's on the books

Edwards: Obama won't take a hard positions and vote up or down and voting present

Obama: there are technical reasons for that

Edwards: you voted present that doesn't make sense what if I had never showed up to vote???

Obama: dood you were never in the stae legislature and are not even in the Senate anymore

Hillary: we need to revamp health care which means universal health care which means shared responsibility

Johns: Obama does your plan cover illegal immigrants

Obama: no, because we have limited resources hey it's not easy

Edwards: well none of us do - but we can marry health care to immigration reform then it will be solved

Obama: oh sure they call for mandates even garnishing wages but if you can't afford health insurance what good is that???

Obama: your health care plan has exemptions so not all are covered

Edwards: no if we let people opt-out it wrecks the system like social security

Clinton: you have to aim high for universal health care and them compromise later - single payer, employers or individual responsibility -- it's a core democratic principle to order people to buy health insurance or garnish their paycheck

Leslie: yeah

Clinton: he avoid problems and hates poor uninsured that's his MO

Obama: oh for crissake here she goes again

Q: Iraq war -- go!

Clinton: i love the military but there is no military solution to a civil war there

Q: but the surge!

Clinton: duh it worked for a little while but they are watching this debate now in Iraq and they are saying oh fuck we had better stop killing each other

Leslie: yep

Clinton: except for the translators and cab drivers

Wolf: but John McCain says we shouldn't surrender!!

Edwards: even Bush admits we need stability in Iraq and there has almost no political progress - but Hillary and Barack will leave troops in Iraq

Obama: we could rebuild America with al the money we've spent in Iraq and Al Qaeda is stronger - John McCain wants up there for a 100 years - hoo boy that old guy is out of his gourd

Clinton: i will withdraw them as quickly as possible - but did you know Bush is going to negotiate a fake deal with the fake Iraqi parliament to build the Dick Cheney Memorial Vatican Sized Embassy

Leslie: Charlie Rangel doesn't like you and he's black

Obama: well he's from NY so what lots of Congressmen has endorsed me big fucking deal

Malveax: I talked to black people and they said you are an awkward white dood

Edwards: so true but i am into poverty so can i argue that i am the true heir to martin luther king??

Malveaux: play that funky music white boy

Edwards: hey poverty affects blacks more than others

Clinton: i am married to a black man and when i graduated from Yale i went to work for a black woman to end poverty too like abused and neglected kids who were working at Wal Mart

Obama: can i talk about black issues?

Wolf: no because you are black

Hillary: blacks made more money when bill was getting blow jobs in the oval office and i will bring those days back again!!!

Obama: i also care about poor black children after all i was born one - and the kids i knew were diminshed because their schools sucked and this is also my lifetime committment

Leslie: you're black so you're immune on this issue Brickback

Obama: hey white people will vote for me too despite what Chris Matthews says be you black, female, or Miscellaneous

Edwards: I am currently in a fight with Bill O'Reilly over homeless veterans and needless to say i'm winning

[ yay!]

Edwards: in all seriousness poverty is real and sad

Johns: Obama with all due respect Bill Clinton was our first Black Presnit so you wouldn't even make history

Obama: duh no - but i am impressed when young southern white men respect blacks and it shows that people can change although bill has no rhythm

Clinton: ha ha ha i would like to take MLK day to remind people that i am a woman and my hero is from upstate NY

Leslie: Joseph Smith?

CLinton: no Frederick Douglass who would support me if he were alive today

Leslie: i loved his beard he is my black hero

Obama: don't vote for me because i am black but i am not running away from racial issues either

Leslie: you're black!? I never knew!

Obama: dood you're an idiot

Wolf: i'm color blind and stupid

Clinton: but gender equality

Obama: yep!

Clinton: we have all lived prejudice

Edwards: amen!

Clinton: you'll never hear the GOP talk about this

Leslie: the sad plight of the poor beleagured high taxed CEOS

Edwards: look at New Orleans but not just that all Americans should have the chance to move out of poor areas

Malveaux: Hillary your husband has a big mouth

Hillary: that's not what i heard

Suzanne: ha ha

Clinton: seriously Elizabeth and Michelle talk tough too and sure Bill goes off sometimes but the question you have to ask yourself if is Obama can't stand up to my tough campaigning will he be able to stand up to the Republicans???

Edwards: look at New Orleans but not just that all Americans should have the chance to move out of poor areas

Obama: Michelle only let me run once plus Bill is the former Presnit and he lied about me but i would argue that the real reason we lost in 2000 and 2004 is that our majority was too small and didn't have enough Republicans

Leslie: can you win the presnitsy

Obama: look at Bush / Cheney anyone of us can win

Edwards: if you want someone who can beat John McCain vote for me of course if you want someone really liberal vote your conscience wink wink

Leslie: you should tune into the comments section it's fun there

Obama: i won in Elko Nevada and in Illinois

Leslie: yeah but a bag of dog feces would have beaten Alan Keyes

Obama: we need to go to church and reach out evangelical christians

Leslie: how so

Obama: don't concede ground of jesus christ

Clinton: if McCain is the nominee we will have an election about national security and i will win that election because they will smear Obama and my pro-military votes will carry me through

Edwards: you two can't win against Mr Purity on special interests

Leslie: way to defend Mr Keating Five dood

Edwards: hillary when people give you millions of dollars they expect you to give them something

Hillary: well donors give you millions too

Edwards: but that's trial lawyers who want me to defend their right to law-talk

Obama: i don't take PAC and lobby money

Leslie: is she stronger than John McCain?

Obama: Hillary sells herself as McCain-lite and i say we need to overcome the politics of fear not the politics of triangulation

Edwards: we can drive young kids over to Al Qaeda or to us if we are a beacon of hope

Leslie: i will save the most important question for last and give you one minute to answer - would Martin Luther King vote for you??

Edwards: yes because of my poverty campaign and voting rights and I am willing to fight for equality

Obama: King was a tough guy and he led a movement of ordinary people and that's what i want to do

Clinton: King was a politician and he gave his life for a political movement and then morality met politics and sure other people are moral and i intend to be the person to implement the policies of other people more moral than me.

Leslie: thanx and good night

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Meet The Press - January 20, 2008

Meet The Press
January 20, 2008

Russert: 5 GOP candidates this is fun!

Brokaw: it's like a wreck-em derby!

Russert: that’s very blue collar!

Brokaw: Rudy is running as Skull-Cracker in Chief

Russert: people want authenticity

Brokaw: u mean John McCain!

Russert: GOP says it is in total chaos but that’s only because the Iraq was become a total disaster

Meachem: GOP era has come to an end -- Reagan was a Great Thinker but it's all over nao

Timmeh: let's yap about teh Confederate Flag -- Huckabee brought it back up again to kneecap John McCain - poor John

Noonan: McCain is running as the Yoda of the GOP everyone knows him and he's a bit useless and crazy and makes no sense at but they humor him anyway

Timmy: friends, working the surge is

Russert: Huckabee wants to re-write all laws to align with the Bible

Norris: he's scaring even evangelicals

Rusert: whoa that's like Lindsay Lohan staging an intervention for Brittney

Goodwin: ha ha ha i love those gurls

Noonan: yes they are fun and like them the GOP is trying to find it's Soul

Russert: what if they look and don't find anything there?

Noonan: [ sobs ]

Russert: the entire Reagan Coalition is collapsing as the turn on each other - they hate at least one thing about the other this is amazing

Goodwin: sure but Reagan, Bush I and Bush II were all phonies who essentially ran on hate and selfishness and that is what will always unite this crowd

Russert: so who leads them?

Goodwin: McCain - he's a leader and panderer and wants to be leader of the GOP and President more than anything

Russert: but why him

Goodwin: because the GOP always runs on mythology - they pretended Bush was a war hero and cowboy

Russert: they are more comfortable with a fictional narrative

Noonan: maybe not now the interest groups this actually want something besides lies

Russert: oh that's bad for the GOP

Brokaw: i listened to Rush Limbaugh for one hour yesterday and afterwards i wanted to kill myself

Noonan: Ayn Rand a nation turns it's lonely eyes to you

Norris: we're are a nation in Fear and eating at Applebees

Meachem: there are 2 possibilities one is that Dukakis was right about everything

Russert: what's the other one

Meachem: the GOP will nominate Hillary Clinton

Russert: Obama said Reagan was transformational - Hillary and Edwards pounced

Goodwin: hey it's history too bad he can't mention it - of course it's politics but he talked about JFK and he wants to be transformational like RR and the Kennedys

Brokaw: the real news is that he totally dissed Bill Clinton

Russert: Clinton said he's not making up the things he made up

Goodwin: he's tough he’s Hillary's Bobby Kennedy

Russert: Bill said the bad new politics is unions throwing their weight around oh noes

Meachem: Ted Kennedy and Rahm Emmanuel want to know if Bill is going around like this now what's he going to be like when he's in the White House without a full time job?

Russert: can he be quiet

Meachem: he's congentially incapable of shutting up

Noonan: she sent he husband out to yell at the neighbors

Russert: if whites flees Edwards that helps Hillary

Brokaw: I was on the phone with my young black friends

Russert: you’re what?

Brokaw: Obama is NYC today with Andy Young and Hillary is hangin’ with Calvin Butts

Norris: i know a 92 year old man who took the pulpit from a pastor and said don't be afraid to vote for a black man

Russert: but a black man could lose

Norris: unlike Mondale, Dukakis, Gore, Kerry,

Russert: oh sure nit pick

Noonan: Mitt Romney haz a deep background in running Duane Reed

Russert: alot of Republicans get their drugs there

Noonan: you need passion - McCain's passion lies in killing Asian people

Russert: i like pie

Noonan: McCain can make people love the United States of America by threatening them

Russert: but the dot-comony

Meachem: JFK could be funny

Russert: Hillary has Evan Bayh but Obama has Ben Nelson

Brokaw: well stop the fucking presses

Russert: don't get snippy old man

Brokaw: i welcome a long boring campaign

Goodwin: if Huckabee is the nominee they could nominate Michael Vick

Meachem: speaking of which Obama explodes teh dogma

Russert: it’s a profoundly different approach Hillary will use her vast operational experience while Obama will just fumble for papers

Noonan: that's stupid

Brokaw: she played her competence card

Russert: her long COO experience

Noonan: oh noes dynasties!!

Russert: where were you in 2000

Noonan: fellating Dubya

Russert: hey Bloomberg is shorter than Lance Armstrong but taller than Schwarzenegger

Meachem: he will run if teh other two New Yorkers run and he will spend a billion dollars

Goodwin: even Teddy Roosevelt couldn't win

Brokaw: in Wyoming there aren't a lot of Kosher kitchens

Russert: interesting

Brokaw: we're hunting delgawtes

The Chris Matthews Show - January 20, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show - January 20, 2008


Matthews: will Bill do what he's told??

Stengel: Bill reminds people of the Clenis and not teh NASDAQ

Matthews: will her VP be allowed to sleep with Hillary?

Stengel: the VP bucket of warm piss now he will eclipsed by the Michael Jordan of oval office blow jobs

Norris: no one is going to turn the job down stupid

Fineman: oh noes Bill’s role is scary

Fineman: Bill will refuse to be kept out of the loop or make his own loop

Stengel: he will take over the Presidency

Fineman: its what Dems want anyway

Tweety: ha ha ha Hillary can't sing

Panel: ha ha john McCain is so cool

Tweety: Obama sings in Spanish oh mio dios!!

Panel: white people can't sing!!

Matthews: oh noes Iraq war sucks and people hate Bush and the economy is bad

Stengel: it helps Romney after he ran the Olympics and those never go well

Tweety: i don't like the Clintons

Parker: everyone hates democrats - vote Romney!!

Tweety: happy talk wins?

Norris: Mitt must run as the health care guy

Matthews: he's a very sensitive android

Fineman: like Commander Data

Fineman: we need a GOP who is not from Washington and has never been there

Tweety: like who?

Fineman: John McCain

Tweety: tell must something i don't know

Parker: Huckabee has a brain

Stegel: the Iraq war has cost more and been worse than we expected

Tweety: shocking

Norris: my newspaper has endorsed Obama because he's cute

Fineman: if if if if - Edwards drops out he will be like Kucinich and campaign for Obama

Tweety: why

Fineman: he doan like Hillary

Tweety: wow

Matthews: can obama win over white people

Parker: sure why not

Stengel: but he's black!

Norris: his momma was white

Tweety: so was mine

Fineman: the real question is can he win the black vote?

Stengel: well he goes after the black vote he will alienate people like me

Tweety: ha i love it!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Democratic Debate - January 16, 2008

Democratic Debate
January 16, 2008
Brian Williams
Tim Russert

Williams: Hello I'm Brian Williams and my interests are English leather, hair gel, and Rush Limbaugh. I'm here with the only man with a Buffalo Bills lunchbucket and a house on Martha’s vineyard, and MSNBC hottie Natalie Morales. Let's begin!

Brian Williams: let me open with a tediously long and pretentious question designed to make you to fight each other while sounding I'm weary of the whole thing -- Go!

Clinton: John Edwards is the son of a fucking mill worker and i have ovaries and Obama is half black and we are all family which means we get drunk at holidays even though we hate each other’s guts

Williams: today is a holiday - it's ML King's B-day

Obama: the pretty lady is right - the planet is in peril and the economy is in the shitter and this is after trying putting white guys in charge for 200 years

Williams: yeah but we brought you WWII, the moon landing and NASCAR!

Edwards: i feel for the black man and woman because I'm from the South

Williams: sing it with my own self brother person

Edwards: i was up close to all those kids at the lunchcounters and all that stuff

Russert: Obama are you are a hate-filled black man?

Obama: no i'm not - so i will neither modulate my voice nor move my body at all tonight

Russert: don't stab me scary man you can have my wife

Obama: cool it fathead

Russert: does Hillary hate black people?

Obama: no - anyway she can hate on me but i won in Iowa and if there's a whiter place I haven't seen it

Russert: she won because new hampshire is full of closeted racists

Obama: no - i want to reach out to asians and hispanics and build a beautiful rainbow coalition that will scare the shit out of white america

Russert: Hillary will you please get the fuck rid of that total jackass Robert Johnson?

Clinton: no way - the people need to understand the stakes are really high - in las Vegas there are vast empty gated communities in this blasted shitty desert

Russert: but my questions-

Clinton: suck timmy

Question: what about your life story Mr Handsome

Edwards: i know i am youthfully handsome but i will fight fervently for unions and i believe in that in my soul

Question: you got soul bro but you are handicapped as a white male

Edwards: Dems have always wanted to elect a woman and a black man but i would ask people to please just wait one more time after all Obama is young and Clinton is more polarizing than an electro-magnet

Williams: Obama last time you came across as a condescending prick

Obama: i resent that so i will explain this slowly to you because clearly you are not very bright

Hillary: good one Barack!

Obama: heh you're hip enough Hillary

Williams: i will ask yet another substance free idiotic question do you all admit you ganged up on Hillary

Edwards: that is the dumbest fucking question ever -- were you aware that people are suffering economically and not everyone has a yacht

[audience whacko: ask a race based question on youtube!!!]

Williams: Hillary are you evil??

Clinton: 47 million people are uninsured while Bush begs the Saudis to let him suck their dicks for oil

Williams: damm harsh language madame ovary

Clinton: oh shut up you blow dried pretty boy

Russert: admit it - Obama is pretty cool

Hillary: yeah but i'm tougher

Russert: Obama do you operate like an officer and gentleman

Obama: being president is all about sparking hope and vision and inspiring people

Russert: what else

Obama: sound judgment and hope and mobilizing people

Russert: your strengths and weaknesses - go!!

Obama: i can unite people who hate each other - my greatest weakness is i lose things like i once lost my cocaine stash it was bad

Edwards: my strength is that i am a fighter with guts

Russert: really -because you don't come across that way at all

Edwards: my weakness is that i just care too much about people with dignity and self respect

Russert: good one cutie

Clinton: for 35 years i have fought for children and my church and i have tried to help people and be their champion

Russert: answer my question sister

Clinton: i get impatient because i care so much i would also point out you need to be a good manager and Barack has never done that look at Bush he sucks completely

Russert: do you you have managerial experience??

Clinton: dood you think corralling Bill Clinton is easy?

Russert: good point

Obama: bush's real problem is that he never listens to people who don't already agree that he should have big statue built to him Baghdad

Russert: so hillary was wrong?

Obama: right - she voted with him and Bush's problem is not bureaucratic

Williams: Obama do you hate America and are you a radical muslim??

Obama: oooh the Internet - actually i did once swallowed a bunch of fizzy pops and nearly died

Williams: really wow!!

Obama: no you dumbass

Williams: Citigroup has gone begging to Alaweed and many americans think a bunch of ragheads shouldn't own an american bank

Hillary: these are controlled by foreign governments - the World Bank should get involved

Williams: hmmm

Clinton: these banks were run by a bunch of assholes, crooks and idiots

Williams: you sound shrill

Clinton: we need to be aggressive!

Williams: Kuwait bought an American bank on the blood of young american virgin boys!

Edwards: oh now look who cares so much mr nascar

Williams: save my populist ass man the GOP is killing mah country

Edwards: only if you beg me man

Obama: this is all about oil and Bush's only foreign policy is to put Exxon in charge of the US Navy

Williams: [ hums “In the Navy” ]

Edwards: it's not right for these people to sucked into this kind of debt and jobs are leaving and costs are going up

Williams: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Edwards: the people at the top are doing well

Williams: [perks up]

Edwards: we need a new energy policy and a new minimum wage and put kids in college and that will all be paid for by getting rid of big banks as a fucking intermediary for students loans

Russert: do you regret your Bankruptcy bill vote

Clinton: yes!

Russert: wow really?

Clinton: yeah but luckily I'm no LBJ so it never became law

Russert: heh

Clinton: now let me mimic john edwards and go after high CEO salaries and give a shout out to the black and brown people out there!

Williams: gee calm down lady

Clinton: hey one million people could be homeless and Bush doesn't give a shit and millionaire tv anchors sure don't

Obama: i opposed both of those bills and i submitted a bill a year and half ago to stop all this

Williams: class warfare!

Obama: hey people get sick and we need to help these people

Morales: what about all the poor people paying capital gains???

Obama: well potentially i would let middle income people pay less

Morales: ooh wow

Obama: Warren Buffet pays less tax than his secretary and it's not fair and everyone knows that the game is rigged

Williams: so sad

Morales: Hillary will you makeover mah home?

Clinton: i will geek out now on economic growth and fed policy and my 19 point plan including a state-federal 30 billion dollar fund and-

Morales: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Clinton: -and energy bills and unemployment compensation and green collar jobs and stimulus and tax rebates

Williams: i would remind the candidates that Dennis Kucinich is a cage outside with Stephen Doocy and the same could happen to you

Edwards: Obama why do you Pharmas give you money is it because you're so good looking?

Obama: could be - or because i have a lot of small donors and not PACs and the law i wrote and passed this year regulating lobbyists and i called for public financing while you are outside the system throwing rocks

Clinton: i want to ask Barack Obama to sleep with me because it would kill Bill plus he's hawt

Williams: ha ha

Clinton: no seriously i want to ask Obama to support legislation to bind President Stupid from attacking Iran

Obama: when I'm president I will tell all the Joint Chiefs to get us out of Iraq

Williams: Hillary will you take his pledge?

Clinton: he was supposed to answer my question!

Edwards: well of course I will get out of Iraq

Russert: whoa whoa whoa what about my pledge you all took to guarantee there will no US soldiers there in 5 years

Obama: holy crap you are so dumb -- what is that mayonnaise between your ears?

Hillary: Barack did you hear what McCain said - man you need to read the liberal blogs

Edwards: i will definitely keep troops in Iraq to protect the Embassy

Obama: whoa dood i thought you all into withdraw and shit

Edwards: I don't want combat troops in Iraq i want a bunch of guards surrounding the Green Zone

Russert: will you vigorously enforce our seamen???

Hillary: of course i've worked very hard on this when I was on the Senate Arms and Hands Committee to lubricate bill through the hard asses in Congress

Russert: the top ten schools on Nantucket many hate our little soldiers

Obama: we need more ivy leaguers that will definitely put us over the top in the mountains of Afghanistan

Russert: they are not tough like my blue collar family

Obama: or civilian corps like our State Dept where no one speaks any other languages

Russert: except Bobblespeak

Russert: will you pledge to attack Harvard

Edwards: yes but we treat our veterans shitty we are America they helped us and now it's up to us to help them

Obama: Wounded soldiers have to pay for their own meals and phone calls can you imagine - god Bush is evil

Hillary: i have a 27 point plan to address this issue

Williams: ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz

Clinton: -and more services and mental health and-

Williams: speaking of that i'm reminded of barfing and Yucca mountain

Obama: i will end Yucca mountain

Clinton: as soon as i found out there was an early primary in Nevada i found out the science did not favor it so i voted against Yucca mountain

Obama: you forgot i always opposed it dollface

Edwards: oh screw you agnostics i hate all nuclear power and they are too expensive and terror targets

Russert: dood the Energy bill is Renaissance it's got nuclear power plants named Leonardo and Michelangeo and Donatello

Obama: they don't produce volumes of greenhouse gases unlike certain meet the press anchors i could mention

Clinton: that Energy bill was the Dick Cheney Wealth Act i hate special interests

Russert: you, really?

Clinton: right i love green energy

Williams: why don't you all drop out and endorse Al Gore

Clinton: he lacks my ovaries and Obama's charisma

Russert: Please tell us how the Democrats will save us from devastation after all that's your role in our political system

Edwards: wind, solar, and biofuels bitches!!

Russert: please watch your language

Edwards: no more coal either

Clinton: i have a 53 point energy plan

Williams: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Clinton: and sequester carbon and Apollo program and states and communities and people-

Obama: turn your fucking lights off America and buy a clothesline motherfuckers

Williams: speaking of immigration, shouldn't citizens speaks english???

Edwards: well sure but let's teach them

Russert: you had a supporter who hates on black and hispanics

Clinton: don't be silly Bill and I love the black and brown people

Russert: my god do you two talk politics while you are having sex??

Hillary: yes yes yes !

Russert: hispanics won't vote for blacks right?

Obama: they supported me Brian!

Williams: touche mr. happyness

Morales: speaking of black men what is wrong with them?

Obama: improve K-12

Morales: the vitamin that Roger Clemens took?

Obama: oh my god you're dumb

Williams: heh

Obama: dammit my momma didn't raise no dummy - black fathers are absent believe me i know

Clinton: This is the Black & Brown Debate and I'm not going to let his sob story go by I have 72 point plan to deal with this

Williams: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Edwards: universal pre K and Second Chance Schools!

Russert: the leading cause of death of young black men in Nevada is death!!

Clinton: i hate illegal guns but i'm a realist and young people will always have guns

Russert: but Mike Bloomberg rulz!!!

Clinton: ok so maybe just not have the total mental cases walk around with major firearms

Russert: bad guys!

Hillary: i love teh second amendment

Obama: who doesn't love to hunt fish with an AK-47???

Russert: what happened to the Dems on guns???

Edwards: i love guns and hunters but not super rifles

Williams: Hillary you used Al Qaeda to go after Barack Obama how sleazy

Clinton: it is a fact that dirty muslims want to attack us and like LBJ i have been president for many years and our enemas are relentless

Williams: you are getting shrill again

Clinton: i'm from new york and we have to unite the world behind us and we can't take a risk on some dood from indonesia

Williams: Barack Las Vegas was a primary target in WarGames aren't you terrified???

Obama: I will hire Oprah to help American work through our 9/11 problems and Hillary Rodham Rove over there attacked Iraq because she's a big military hawkish jerk

Russert: Hillary show me your ovaries

Clinton: towel headed monkey bar trained crazy muslims attacked Gordon Brown and forced him to smile against his will

Russert: oh noes

Clinton: we have many enemies

Russert: you called Pervez in Pakistan after Bhutto was killed was that right

Edwards: actually what happened was I had a bet with Musharraf that the Patriots would go undefeated and i said to Musharraf pay up look what happened to Bhutto after she stiffed me on the Rose Bowl

Question: when did you decide to put yourself through this

Hillary: i made the decision in Reno i said it the roulette wheel lands on red i will kill bill and marry my lesbian lover and if it lands on black i will run for president

Edwards: i asked all the people in my family with cancer and without if i should run and they said well okay

Obama: my family knew i could win but they were all like ‘whoa are you sure there is no one else who could do it because you may not be even the best one in this marriage’

Williams: thanks to Patco, 100 black men, Las Vegas and the compulsive gamblers of america

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Meet The Press with Sen. Hillary Clinton - January 13, 2008

Meet The Press
January 13, 2008
Host: Tim Russert
Guest: Senator Hillary Clinton

Tim Russert: you attacked Martin Luther King - would like to attack Abraham Lincoln or JFK on my show this morning?

Hillary Clinton: no thanks

Russert: you claim Obama is an Islamic drug dealer

Clinton: i haven't heard that

Russert: you hate civil rights activists?

Clinton: no i love MLK - i marched with Dr. King and Mitt Romney and he was he was gassed and jailed and campaigned

Russert: so what does that have to do with you and Obama

Clinton: Obama is a big liar he’s trying to reverse-Swift-boat me

Russert: very clever

Clinton: look i'm female and he's black so let's all be happy and not get bogged down

Russert: bill attacked him as a fairy tale but i love fairy tales

Clinton: ok Obama was against the war in 2002 but by 2004 he was voting for the funding the war

Russert: so did you!

Clinton: yeah but he didn't introduce legislation against the war when he could have

Russert: what do you want him to do?

Clinton: he said i killed Bhutto and Tim you can't prove that!!!

Russert: Rep Clyburn says Bill was offensive

Clinton: no no no you mislead pumpkinhaid

Russert: even Donna Brazille hates you

Clinton: oh 'cooking with grease' give me a break

Russert: some random black woman says you are minimizing King and it takes a white man to make change happen

Clinton: you fat liar Obama compared himself to Kennedy and he was a war hero and King was a real leader and Obama is just a kid

Russert: so he's not a legendary politician big deal

Clinton: King would endorse me today because i am a legislator and Obama is just a pretty speechmaker

Russert: so you don't hate black people?

Clinton: no i admire politically active blacks not eloquent Johnny-come-latelies like Obama

Russert: you compare Obama to demagogues like Huey Long!!

Clinton: he's just a speaker and he has done nothing goddamitt i've taken shit for the party and bill clinton and upstate new york and i'm owed dammit

Russert: why should people vote for you

Clinton: i'm really boring

Russert: you say you’re workhorse and he's a showhorse

Clinton: look i've paid my dues and did hard work

Russert: Obama talks pretty but is lazy?

Clinton: oh don't tempt me fatty

Russert: you cried why -- your time of the month?

Clinton: no i'm human stupid and i was touched by voters telling me about all their problems it's fucking moving Timmy

Russert: but that woman voted later for Barack because you're stiff and dull

Clinton: fuck you timmy i mean that

Russert: is obama unready?

Clinton: totally only i can deal with the economy, health care, iraq, iran and afghanistan

Russert: was that a yes?

Clinton: yes - he only passed an anti-lunch bill whereas i can answer hundreds of questions

Russert: you won in 2000 cause Lazio went after you and after Obama and Edwards ganged up you played the gender card

Clinton: bullshit obama is the one playing the race card

Russert: oh?

Clinton: i'm a daughter and wife and sister and a lover

Russert: you're tied with Barack

Clinton: but i've walked through the fires of hell for 35 years

Russert: what's the best reason to vote for you

Clinton: it will makes Chris Matthews absolutely crazy

Russert: If Saint Petreaus says we should stay will you let our troops will stay??

Clinton: no because on Day One we will begin troops withdraw in the first 60 days and pressure the Iraqis to get their shit together

Russert: But the Generals!

Clinton: in January of 2009 our troops will come home so the Iraqis best get used to it

Russert: The surge has worked and you know it!!!!

Clinton: Timmy i use small words now -- the surge has failed to achieve political unity - of course our troops are good at killing but it's still killing

Russert: but awesome killing

Russert: you voted for the war and attacking Saddam and the same day Obama gave a speech where he was proven fucking right

Clinton: oh just words Timmeh look i didn't support the war just a vote disarm Saddam by force

Russert: oh ok

Clinton: Obama wanted to surrender to Saddam and just let him keep his biological weapons

Russert: the ones he didn't have

Clinton: Obama should have held himself to a higher standard because of his speech and not support John Kerry otherwise what is the point of even having a Magic Negro???

Russert: you voted for war and if you disagree that's bunk

Clinton: i'm not going to give the UN Security Council a veto over American policy

Russert: don't we sit on the Security Council?

Clinton: the point is i was very strongly in favor of only give a Bush a year to attack Iraq

Russert: oh good

Clinton: it wasn't a vote for force

Russert: the title of the bill was a vote for use of force

Clinton: we can sit here and argue about who voted for what but the point is Obama was supporting Bush in 2004

Russert: but so did you??

Clinton: yeah but I don't pretend to be perfect like he does!!

Russert: did he have better judgment in 2002

Clinton: one little decision

Russert: it was a decision to go war!

Clinton: Ask him about his positions since then!

Russert: i did

Clinton: his answer was very political

Russert: oh noes!

Clinton: yeah he pretends he's all non-political but everyone knows i'm triangulating so it doesn’t count

Russert: so no fair

Clinton: right - we need someone careful now not someone who’s going to go off half cocked and inspire people

Russert: doris kearns goodwin says you haven't learned

Clinton: oh fuck her

Russert: do you wish you had read the NIE?

Clinton: hey i thought i was voting for sending inspectors in

Russert: punk'd!

Clinton: bush himself said the vote i cast was to avoid war

Russert: you fucked up - you trusted him

Clinton: President Otter yes

Russert: back in 1992 Bill Clinton gave a speech endorsing Obama!

Clinton: no he was the senior governor back then and times are different we need change now and i have 35 years of experience rooted in real lives of real people

Russert: that’s your message?

Clinton: yes I'm tanned rested and ready

Russert: but 20 years ago--

Clinton: no let's talk about the future like the economy and this recession and my proposals

Russert: but you don't pay for them

Clinton: i'm more responsible that Edwards and the black guy

Russert: you don't pay for stimulus

Clinton: well that's different

Russert: but aren't poor subprime buyers bad people?

Clinton: they’re victims of fraud and liars

Russert: sounds like welfare

Clinton: alan greenspan agrees with me

Russert: screw let them - live in their second home

Clinton: oh sure

Russert: you pardoned marc rich and your brother's criminal friends will you pledge to depoliticize the government

Clinton: ha ha that's rich after living through the Bush years

Russert: is there a Vast Right Ring Conspiracy???

Clinton: ha ha ha no comment

Russert: you are a polarizer!

Clinton: no i worked with Republicans in the Senate i'm like a good combination of Edwards and Obama - experience + fighting

Russert: but you work with GOP??

Clinton: trust me timmster they hate my guts

Russert: independents hate you

Clinton: oooh a poll - what a shithead you are

Russert: you hurt mah feelings

Clinton: hey bill only got 3% in Iowa in 1992 and look what happened

Russert: surprise!

Clinton: Obama is not ready you can't vote 'present' when you're presnit

Russert: do you support a lawsuit to prevent people from voting in Nevada

Clinton: a caucus is for neighbors to get together and talk about their choices

Russert: and vote for president

Clinton: oh that

Russert: what's your biggest adversity in life?

Clinton: Bill will sleep with anything that moves

Russert: like who

Clinton: I can't even leave him alone with Barack

Russert: thanks alot Senator and good luck

The Chris Matthews Show - January 13, 2008

The Chris Matthews Show
January 13, 2008

Matthews: how can Hillary get people to stop hating her

Woodward: the story is Hillary and her emotions

Tweety: Emo!

Woodward: she's just like you Tweety -- she has to dial her personality down - in other words she's nuts

Borger: whaaaa?

Norris: women loved it when she cried and breaking glass ceilings

Matthews: she should run as a woman

Borger: her whole body is about change and she bent over backwards to look tough and now she has to look human

Matthews: ooh she's phony but the bad guys are after us!!

Brooks: she's Elizabeth Taylor she's walled off

Matthews: she's an 8-time married friend of michael and the chimp?

Borger: I felt it was wrong for Edwards and Obama to gang up and hit her

Norris: blacks worry if they gang on him it will hurt blacks image

Woodward: he's very handsome

Matthews: that is so true

Brooks: people are idiots

Matttews: hey!

Brooks: well not us we're licensed professionals

Norris: dood teh polls were wrong

Matthews: Women voted!

Borger: Obama has to outline an agenda that appeals to waitresses - he's an uppity elitist

Matthews: Rove says Hillary appeals to beer drinkers

Brooks: not Starbucks and wine - that’s Obama

Matthews: who gets Dunkin Donuts vote?

Brooks: that would be Hillary but who will Juan Valdez vote for ???

Matthews: that crazy Edwards won't drop out he's like Ben Stein in Honeymoon in Vegas he's an irritating asshole

Brooks: he's helping Obama because he appeals to the Krizpy Kreme vote

Borger: he's going to be the Burger King-maker!

Woodward: I like McDonalds fries dipped in mayonnaise

Matthews: i love it!

Matthews: the Establishment luvs john McCain!!!

Woodward: well they wanna win and he's got a certain aura - its either moral authority or the stink of impending death

Matthews: i can't tell

Woodward: he's a problem fixer anyone can see that

Borger: i love John McCain because he's not polarizing everyone hates him

Matthews: no doubt he's a patriot and a hero

Brooks: he's our SOB

Matthews: we need him to stop the women and blacks!!!

Norris: Oprah is coming back and Obama will use her in South Carolina!

Woodward: people care about this pesky Iraq war

Matthews: might you have a new book about this??

Woodward: you read my mind you coy bastard

Borger: it's all over on Feb 5 - or maybe not it's all an imperative

Matthews: March 4th!

Brooks: Obama tires easily i suspect sickle cell

Matthews: maybe his big penis wears him down

Matthews: will candidates dump Bush??

Norris: everyone hates him

Woodward: they will do anything do win they are almost as bad as Dems

Borger: r u kidding? Bush is a horror

Brooks: depends on Iraq

Matthews: ha!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Republican Debate - January 10, 2008

Republican Debate
Fox News
Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
January 10, 2008

Live from Myrtle Beach dooods!!!

It's party time and we're totally drunk!

Put down those hurricanes and put those t-shirts back on girls - it's the motherfucking presidential debate!

Democracy rawks!!!

These are fucking republicans and they love it wet and kinky so lets get started with a bitchin national anthem!!


I'm Brit Hume and any candidates who go over time will be tased, bro!!!

Chris Wallace: are we in a recession Mitt?

Romney: we are headed in a recession which are pretty bad I hear

Wallace: your state sucked dood

Romney: fuck you chris - i turned taxachusetts around - i did such a good job it's still happening

Wallace: solution?

Romney: invest in science and green energy and give everyone housing

Wallace: you're like a well-built fit Al Gore

Romney: John Mccain is a poopyhaid

McCain: fuck you i'm going to train a former auto worker for a good job like in real estate or a lucrative field of data entry or corrections officer

Wallace: taxes - mr. tax-raiser?

McCain: no cut spending -- we spend too much money

Wallace: what else?

McCain: the U.S. government is giving $400 billion to brown people who live above our oil

Wallace: really?

McCain: everyone in Washington hates me because i stab them with a pen that’s why i will get things done

Huckabee: gas is too high demmit

Wallace: i'm doing just fine

Huckabee: yeah but filet mingon costs more - unless your grow it with solar panels

Wallace: oh noes! where do i sign up?

Huckabee: bush has handled the housing crisis just right by not getting involved

Wallace: when he does things do tend to go to shit

Huck: exactly he's learning what his strengths are

Wallace: Rudy - tax cuts don't pay themselves and everyone knows it

Giuliani: if that's true then why did JFK, Reagan, and Bush I and Bush II do it?

Wallace: causes taxes under Kennedy were high and the others were snake oil salesmen?

Giuliani: right but America regulates corporations so much they flee to bounteous economies like the Cayman islands

McCain: i forgot to say i like Bush's tax cuts after all

Wallace: your memory for pandering is failing old man

McCain: spending cuts! spending cuts!

Paul: we're an entering a terrible recession because interests rates were too low and there was easy credit and you know people cannot be trusted with their own money

Wallace: answer?

Paul: Austrian businesses theory

Wallace: Ron Kampf?

Thompson: the experts were all wrong - why on April 15 we got more dollars than ever before

Wallace: answer?

Thompson: always count on the Fed to Do the Right Thing

Wallace: you are rambling shar pei

Carl Cameron: Hucky you dissed Reagan!

Huckabee: i never said that stupid

Cameron: you hurt mah feelins

Huckabee: we left blue collars doods behind by throwing wheelbarrows of money at monocled billionaires

Cameron: you'd think they like that

Huckabee: we need to communicate to people that we don't necessarily hate their guts just because they aren't rich

Cameron: oh fuck

McCain: no he's right - we betrayed our principles - we spend like drunken pedophiles at a GOP convention, denied climate change, handed the government to a bunch of criminals and closeted draft dodgers

Cameron: let's move on yur depressing me

Cameron: Mitt you required all women to have at least one abortion in Massachusetts

Romney: yeah but they courts in that state made me do it

Cameron: r u Reagan?

Romney: he was teh Ultimate Optimist he said families were really good and he did that

Cameron: did what?

Romney: cut taxes on the rich and built lots of nuclear weapons

Cameron: booh ya!!!

Thompson: Huckabee is big fucking liberal and he's like a liberal teacher-loving democrat

Huckabee: i cut taxes and people were protesting me i was so evil

Cameron: can you make a case without quoting George Will?

Guiliani: Ronald Reagan loved me he appointed top MotherFucking Skull Cracker of NY

Cameron: awesome

Rudy: i will oppose terrorism

Cameron: stop the presses

Rudy: i want to destroy government except the skull cracking

Cameron: name a state you can carry

Rudy: Oregon and New Jersey

Cameron: now i know why people tell me you're out of your mind

Cameron: yur supporters are 9/11 Truthers!!

Paul: so what -- a lot of Fox viewers are drooling maniacs

Cameron: but you should divorce them!

Paul: shut up - we've lost privacy and now nation-building and threatening everyone and we're begging the chinese is crashing no wonder no one likes Republicans

[ cheers! ]

Hume: Grrrr shut up Paulistas no one likes you

Hume: American was minding its own business in the sea near Iran and all of a sudden this boat comes near and it's war!!

Huckabee: we should send them to Gate of Hell!

Hume: you sound like a weenie we should have attacked!!

Thompson: no the Captain was right

Hume: you’re all wimps

Thompson: iran was testing up and i hate tests we should kill them so they can finally meet a virgin

Hume: you want to them to meet Red State bloggers?

[ yay! ]

Rudy: we should start a war within Iran just in case there is somebody there that doens't like us - this is a real wake up call

Hume: goddamit will no one second-guess this naval captain and admit that he is a big bill clinton loving gay wimp

McCain: he probably is but when i was with the navy fighting barbary pirates some of the toughest sailors i knew liked a little hunky sweaty love

Paul: this a bunch of gulf of tonkin bullshit jesus christ you all want to start WWIII over a bunch of speedboats - omg the guy was on tv today admitting it was all lies

Hume: wait a minute these guys are all pacificists i'm the only tough one here

Thompson: no hold on -- I'm not going to called passive by some twittish fop named Brit

Romney: this captain did the right thing we need to draw Iran in the circle of friendship

Black Guy: can Republicans win losing a war that's lasted longer than WWII?

McCain: the democrats are sad because only a few soldiers are killed every day Hillary doesn't love Petraeus

Black Guy: you loved Rumsfeld

McCain: no one i always hated him i just supported him

Black guy: r we winning

McCain: peace with honor doods - we should slowly get out bleeding and attack Time magazine

Rudy: first the Palestinians must give up violence and a period of time must go by where no violence ever occurs

Host: uh huh

Rudy: McCain is a big liar

McCain: you are a liar and i hate rumsfeld

Host: well hell we all do

Paul: who give a shit stop - sending money to Arabs so they can buy weapons against Israel and then send $$ to Israel to buy guns against Arabs

Host: sounds perfect to me if you’re Lockheed Martin

McCain: i hate Arabs unlike bad ron paul

Paul: this is what i'm talking about Mccain used to love the Taliban and Saddam and now we're sending guns to the Sunnis and Shias - blowback is coming and its a bitch

McCain: it's the American presence that's the problem

Host: you mean American casualties

McCain: whatever - as long as we occupy someone and support our troops in what the Republicans order them to do

Thompson: the New York Times wants us to be nuked

[ yay! ]

Thompson: demmit my BFF Musharraf loves democracy and that stupid bint Bhutto got herself killed so we need to take control of that county and support our dictator and wink and nod and his fake democracy

Host: what do you want?

Thompson: fuck all muslims

Host: Musharraf doesn't even care about Osama

Romney: foreign policy was checkers under Reagan and now it's 3 dimensional chess

Host: Spock 2008!

Romney: there are a lot of countries in the world so we need to be broad effort the get the islamic world to have more Duane Reeds

Huckabee: ok we lost a few billion but we should offer Musharraf $1 billion to find Osama and stop acting like such a fucktard

Host: but he doesn't control the area where Osama is

Huckster: well fuck him

Host: what else

Huckabee: i love little tiny Israel and all the little imperfect jews with their cute little penises

Paul: you infantalize them - dammit they are not children and why do you want to send weapons to arab nations Huckabee?

Huckabee: but they're so adorable with their false gods

Paul: it's all bullshit

Rudy: no the prime minister of Israel is a close friend of mine and it's defense is of critical importance to the U.S.

Host: why?

Rudy: everyone else hates us

Thompson: allowing Ron Paul to control yet another debate let me say we should send $10 billion to Pakistan so they can use it to torture some dood

Host: awesome

Wallace: is it possible that voters want Washington experience?

Romeny: no [robotic laugh]

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Romney: McCain never stopped pork barrel spending and he never will cause he sucks everything i touch changes due to my special magic moroni touch

Host: sounds like an 80s pop song

Wallace: old man you're part of the problem

McCain: no i am change the change was the Surge and the democrats wanted to hand Iraq to Al Qaeda and i saved $6 billion

Host: how much did the Iraq war cost ?

McCain: only $1 trillion - well worth it - ask Jack Abramoff if i changed anything - he's in prison

Host: why is that ?

McCain: hey i'm a liberal blogger I hide it well

Huckabee: i'm not a liberal - when i was governor kids lived in the delta with no roads, no schools and hunted for food

Host: you were governor in the Pleistocene?

Thompsons: heh heh that brings back memories

Host: what's your plan

Thompson: why back in the 1890s we passed a lot of gud ol' bills and passed the Steamboat Act of 1899

Host: you're like a bald wrinkly stupid mark twain

Rudy: i have foreign policy from teh 1970s in the Ford Administration and then I threw Arafat out of NYC when he was visiting the UN and uniltaerally rejected $10 million for the families just so i could grandstand like a big fascist baby

McCain: that is so fucking stupid

Cameron: should women submit to their husbands?

Huckster: well lets have us a church service and pass teh plates hah ha

[ laughs ]

Cameron: just answer the question big guy

Huckster: I am not ashamed of my church's looniness!


Huckabee: men submit too - as unto the Lord

Cameron: you are a genuine liar and complete weirdo

Cameron: you are insane - discuss!

Paul: well sure but i'm more conservative than they are -- i hate spending but love civil liberties and i am an isolationist

Cameron: but teh Empire!

Paul: we borrow money from China to support a dictator in Pakistan?

Cameron: yes we're the motherfucking USA - civil liberties are for unamerican weenies

Hume: gentlemen we've been getting requests for you all to shut the fuck up

Host: illegals!

McCain: i'm very sorry i promise to hate illegals and put a lot of armed fuckers on the border - now pleez give me the nomination

Host: no you must hate brown people more

McCain: no i will not deport grandmothers or servicemen in Iraq

Host: or both

McCain: right!

Host: Mitt McCain does not hate brown people enough does he?

Mitt: no - there are 12 million people who should be sent home or killed or rounded up


Host: who the fuck do you examine 12 million people on a case-by -case basis?

Thompson: why yuh just have a button on teh front of a big ditch which will be ah mile whide

Host: um.... what?

Fred McGruff: all these illegals are votin'

Host: well they're they only ones

Paul: illegals getting free medical care

Viewer: awesome where do i sign up?

Paul: its' all welfarism

Host: well at least your failed campaign will result in weird neologism

Hucksteer: hispanics hate brown people too because they waited in line too

Host: oh sure

Huckseter: we don't have to round people up they will give up voluntarily like in that book

Host: Constitution?

Huckster: no the diary of anne frank

Rudy: murderers don't ask for green cards

Host: well who does?

Rudy: i hate new york city

Host: so do we all

Rudy: you can't have 70,000 urchins on the streets

Host: but what if they broke into song that would be so cute i love it when they do that

Hume: and that's it remember every sperm is sacred and good night from myrtle beach now let's partaayyyy!!!!!!


60 Minutes - January 6, 2008 - Pervez Musharraf

Sunday January 6, 2008
60 Minutes
Lara Logan interviews Pervez Musharraf

Logan: Bhutto was killed on your watch

Musharraf: someone was going to kill that democratic bitch eventually

Logan: it was a matter of time

Musharraf: damm right

Logan: what was your first reaction to her assassination

Musharraf: use my secret police to repress the people of course

Logan: naturally

Logan: you didn't like her

Musharraf: no she was doing annoying stuff like coming into the country and running for office

Logan: you hated her guts

Musharraf: no i just wanted her dead

Logan: but it wasn't personal

Musharraf: strictly business

Musharraf: we told her not to come

Logan: she made a mistake

Musharraf: oh yeah

Logan: sounds like you have a very safe country

Musharraf: only the areas where people are likely to be killed are dangerous
Logan: oh ok then

Musharraf: what the fuck was doing standing up in the car and waving around

Logan: maybe she thought she saw johnny depp

Musharraf: that's crazy this is all her fault

Logan: are you sure it all is her fault?

Musharraf: oh yes all her fault - no one else's

Logan: did you give her all the security she needed

Musharraf: oh yes she got the best security ever

Logan: well you sure a hit a home run on that one didn't you

Logan: she said she would catch bin Laden and that you suck

Musharraf: no fair i'm doing my best

Logan: what are you doing

Musharraf: hey I'm torturing people left and right and still the american people are bitching jeez allah's tits

Logan: what are you accomplishing

Musharraf: what other country has arrested 700 al qeada?

Logan: what other country does Osama bin Laden live?

Musharraf: luxembourg its crazy there

Logan: under you Osama is rocking and the Taliban is back and better than ever

Musharraf: that's true but that America's fault

Logan: did you kill Bhutto?

Musharraf: i'm innocent until proven guilty baby

Logan: so you didn't

Musharraf: hey i was trying to help her

Logan: bang up job dood