Sen. Jim Webb
Sen. John Kyl
Gov. David Paterson
Gregory: What should we do with Iran?
Bill Clinton: Obama got Medvedev and the French all on board - it’s very impressive
Gregory: so do we go to war or appease them entirely?
Gregory: do you know what’s going on there?
Clinton: I know the Secretary of State in passing
Gregory: [ serious face ]
Clinton: and then there are the Chinese-
Gregory: do you like my serious face?
Clinton: it’s very nice
Gregory: so war with Iran - yes or no?
Clinton: we should look them in the eye and seduce them
Gregory: should we put 50,000 more troops in Afghanistan?
Clinton: maybe - we should do enough to take down al qaeda and the Taliban and also put in a democracy
Gregory: so how do we decide to launch a new war in this far off remote place?
Clinton: whether or not they hold a run-off election
Gregory: that seems quite peculiar
Clinton: nobody said running an empire while pretending you aren’t was easy
Clinton: there are Ghosts of Vietnam
Gregory: ooh we should get those Ghost Hunters from the SyFy channel to help!
Clinton: that’s a good idea [ scribbles on a napkin ]
Clinton: this is an away-game for the US military
Gregory: all this would be much easier if you could fight all our wars here in the US
Clinton: plus civil wars make much better tv shows
[ Clinton plays mournful fiddle ]
Gregory: what threat does Al Qaeda pose to the US anyway?
Clinton: they have proven that they can hijack three out of four planes in one day
Gregory: but nothing since then
Clinton: see how diabolical they are?
Gregory: since you left the Presidency you have been very focused on girls and women
Gregory: what have you accomplished?
Clinton: we’ve saved 48 million lives and helped 200 million people
Gregory: yeah but you’ve never been on Dancing with the Stars
Clinton: yeah but dude if I did I would win and you know it
Gregory: is Obama lying by not telling people that he’s going to raise taxes?
Clinton: so you are taking an editorial position and then accusing him of lying by not agreeing with David Gregory’s position?
Gregory: that’s right
Clinton: what if he’s right and you’re wrong - wouldn’t that make you deceitful?
Gregory: [ looks confused ]
Clinton: Hillary told me you are a moron
Gregory: but the taxes!!
Clinton: calm down fluffy
Gregory: has Obama failed to sell government?
Clinton: they only thing he needs to do is deliver results
Gregory: has he asked for your help?
Clinton: sure but he’s pretty fucking smart
Gregory: is there a vast right wing hate machine?
Clinton: you bet - they accused me of murder and Obama of being the Kenyan Stalin
Gregory: so much fun
Clinton: but it’s not good for the Republican party to just be associated with screaming people waving pictures of Obama as an African witch doctor
Gregory: with there be another 1994?
Gregory: no because there are more Hispanic voters, 8 years of bad Bush years and Obama didn’t take on the gun lobby
Gregory: will you run for President again?
Clinton: I would be awesome [ daydreaming ]
Gregory: so yes?
Clinton: no that’s for Hillary now - I never knew being a free agent traveling the world would be so much damm fun
[ break ]
Gregory: Senator should we be terrified of Iran?
Kyl: talk is useless - we need to attack Iran now!!
Webb: look we’ve got Russia and Europe on board that’s a huge advance
Kyl: Iran is clearly planning on putting a nuke on a missile and hitting Kansas
Kyl: the easy solution is to overthrow the government of Iran
Webb: he’s damm lunatic
Webb: no Senator Kyl
Gregory: we all know that
Kyl: oh sure we could impose sanctions or whatever but we’ll probably need to go to war
Gregory: McChrystal says he needs thousands of more troops
Webb: sure but-
Gregory: OMG we need more troops now!!!
Webb: look fluffy Obama is right to ask exactly what we’re trying to accomplish and how we’re going to do it
Gregory: but the general has got such a nice uniform
Webb: we don’t want to be an occupying power but Afghanistan has never had a national army
Gregory: you want to impose a deadline
Webb: no I want to think very carefully before we commit to building a new nation in a mountainous desert nation of religious fanatics
Kyl: leave Utah out of this
Gregory: Condi Rice says if we don’t put in 40,000 more troops it will lead to another 9/11
Kyl: and she would know!
Webb: oh for god’s sake - are we know responsible for turning Afghanistan into a democratic paradise?
Gregory: but we defeated al qaeda in Iraq!
Webb: they weren’t there until we showed up!
Webb: and they left before the Surge!
Kyl: yeah but Al Qaeda is in Afghanistan and they love it there - and we can’t take any time to make the perfect decision - we need to rush headlong into an Asian war without thinking about it!
Webb: hey it’s only the opinion of one general who just got there
Gregory: did Obama make a mistake in doing the right thing on Gitmo?
Webb: jesus you really are fucker
[ break ]
Gregory: Governor Paterson Obama really knee-capped you
Paterson: the President never told me directly not to run
Gregory: c’mon didn’t the White House say don’t run
Paterson: well a lot of people have told me not to run
Gregory: was the White House one of them?
Gregory: were you stunned that Obama told you not to run?
Paterson: I’m blind but not oblivious
Gregory: I see
Paterson: well I’m running for Governor anyway
Gregory: why are your polls so low?
Paterson: because we’re running out of money and I had to cut $30 billion
Gregory: 80% of New Yorkers don’t like you
Paterson: hey I bravely appointed a Lt. Governor
Paterson: I’ve been fighting the odds all my life dammit
Gregory: do you blame race for your bad press?
Paterson: no I don’t I think people should dislike me for many many other reasons
Gregory: Gov how will you balance the budget?
Paterson: I already did fluffy
Gregory: but you have a deficit
Paterson: hey at least I’m not cutting child care or letting people out of prison early like some other action-movie-bodybuilder governors I could mention
Gregory: before we go Governor do you like my hair?
[ fluffs hair ]
Paterson: It’s lovely David