Speaker Pelosi, Senator Reid, thanks for inviting to this
our National House of Spineless Jellyfish and Assorted Fuckers!
Men, Women, and Lindsay Graham!
Senators Imhofe, Coburn, Vitter, Craig and Rep. Bachman - I haven’t
seen such a bunch of twisted weirdos and cuckoos since that Sid
and Marty Krofft Convention in Zurich!
Bachmann: where’s the birth certificate, barry!?
Obama: hey if American wanted to hear from a batshit crazy lady
they would have voted for Sarah Palin - now shut up
Obama: Ok Congress - I have come here tonight to address you
sad sorry pack of bought-and-paid-for motherfuckers
Obama: do not adjust you tv set - I’m black
Bachmann: oh my
Obama: hey you rich pampered fuckers - we are the only advanced democracy that allows people to die because they are not rich to afford blue crosses motherfucking premiums!
Congress: [standing ovation]
Obama: sit the fuck down
Obama: you can die from motherfuckin’ acne!!
Congress: [standing ovation]
Obama: meanwhile employers can’t afford to buy this wonderful insurance which sucks anyway
Obama: some crazy Leftists think we should be like Canada - but we ain’t no maple syrup eating lumberjacks!
Obama: so maybe we should retain the status quo
Congress: [ standing ovation, applause ]
Obama: get your asses down
Obama: we have done a lot of work and there is that lazy ass motherfucker Max Baucus
Obama: hey stupid people - I'm going to repeat this we're going end preexisting conditions, expand coverage, and quality afford colonscopies!
Insurers: up the ass again - awesome
Obama: in 4 years we will create a health insurance exchange funded by tax credits which will be very useful unless you have no income
Obama: and some vague John McCain proposal
McCain: [ rictus grin ]
Obama: so everyone now has to buy health insurance but if you're really poor you will get a special Hardship Waiver
Poor Americans: yippee
Obama: Sarah Palin would be laughable if she weren't trying to destroy the democracy of a great fucking nation!
Obama: we will not insure illegals!
Congressman: you lie!
Obama: you just bought a one-way ticket to kick-ass town
Obama: i love insurance companies - i just want them to do the right thing
Insurers: good luck with that
Obama: but we could also offer Pubic Option
Obama: but don't worry - it will be just as evil and ridiculous as regular insurers
Obama: it would like a public university
Insurers: but those are really popular
Obama: but it's for sale so don't worry
Obama: I agree with Republicans that everyone should get quality health care!!
Republicans: did we say that
Obama: yes you did motherfuckers!
Obama: George fuckin' Bush left me with a whole heap of debt and bullshit!
Cantor [twittering]: mom let me stay up late
Obama: i will not let Republicans destroy Medicare!!
Obama: fine you want tort reform you can have it - Katie Sibelius is going to kick that can down the road
Obama: we will spend less than on Stupid's bullshit wars
Bush [at home, drunk]: aww shit fuck you Bammy
Cheney: shut up Stupid
Bush: u shuddup dick
Obama: I will not work with you fucking liars and crazy people anymore - go play somewhere else
Crazies: garble birth certificate erble hitler grrrrrr socialist mmmmmm nigger
Obama: yeah you
Obama: Teddy was right - this was a moral issue
Obama: Ted worked McCain, Hatch, Grassley and other senile white men and they always did what Teddy wanted
Teddy: damm fucking right
Obama: Republicans' obsession with lies and smearing un-american - they are, in other, unpatriotic insane utter brain dead motherfucking lunatics
Congress: [ sustained applause ]
Obama: good night fuckers!!!