Meet the Press
September 20, 2009
Gregory: welcome and thank you for coming President Barack - do you like my hair?
Obama: tick tock, dipshit
Gregory: sorry - Bam what exactly is your health care plan?
Obama: cut premiums, eliminate pre-existing conditions, fewer costs, cap out-of-pocket expenses and be deficit neutral
Gregory: what unpopular things will you do?
Obama: I’ve already made alot of tough choices
Gregory: like you finally told those dirty public option-loving hippies to fuck off - and I loved it!
Obama: no I didn’t liar
Gregory: ok so what will you do people will hate?
Obama: I’m going to force people to buy health insurance
Gregory: yeah but that’s easy - health insurance is cheap
Obama: no it isn’t
Gregory: [ blow drys hair ] sorry what?
Obama: and I conceded on tort reform and many other Republican ideas
Gregory: but when are you really taking on the dirty leftist hippies???
Obama: maybe you haven’t been paying attention but I gave the GOP everything they wanted!
Gregory: but you haven’t resigned!
Obama: um,, no
Gregory: or put hippies in internment camps where they belong!
Obama: give me another six months
Gregory: is Jimmy Carter right that all your opponents are racists?
Obama: no - some of them are just out of their fucking minds
Gregory: but just to be clear are you saying there is no racism in America or that everyone in America is a racist?
Obama: Rahm Emmanuel told me you were a moron
Gregory: but you’re blackness is so controversial!
Obama: this is catnip to idiots like you
Gregory: could this lead to violence?
Obama: let me put it this way
[ punches Gregory in the face ]
Obama: the loud crazy person seems to get all the attention from the media these days
Gregory: but we have to cover famous mentally ill people -- that's people are talking about!
Obama: i suppose the first Congressman to call me a nigger will get on the cover of Time magazine
Gregory: i can see it now - "Racist or Just Having Fun?"
Obama: apparently the easiest way to get on tv is be a rude obnoxious asshole
Gregory: not all the protestors were like that
Obama: I was talking about you
Gregory: oh that gives me a sad
Obama: calm down Fluffy
Obama: we’re going to kick al-qaeda ass and if we can’t do that then we’re going to get out
Gregory: who is going to win the World Series?
Obama: the fucking White Sox
Gregory: but they suck
Obama: ok the damm Yankees
[ break ]
Gregory: Boner - I dare you to say something non-stupid
Boehner: Big Government arble garble
Gregory: are you conservatives all racists?
Boehner: Big Govgarble babaabbaabafrmf merrrgle
Graham: Obama accused Republicans of lying so we had to call him a Nazi
Gregory: but Grassley really was a liar
Lindsay: the President is clearly an unhinged lunatic screaming all the time and being all combative by saying he wouldn’t tolerate liars - that was a slap in the face to the GOP
Gregory: no offense but you people come across as frankly crazy and we’re all worried about another Oklahoma City
Lindsay: well people carrying guns and committing bombings is quite understandable when Obama is proposing a very high budget
Gregory: that justifies calling Obama Hitler?
Bohener: cap and trade - people are scared to death!!
Gregory: to death?? over that??
Boehner: he’s a socialist and he’s going to destroy the country and people are really really really scared!!
Gregory: George Bush left this country a wreck and all you can do is scream about Marxist and compare Obama to Pol Pot
Boehner: no we have great ideas like ending malpractice lawsuits and letting people buy health insurance on the market
Gregory: that’s it?
Boehner: Obama never invites me to the White House
[ starts sobbing ]
Gregory: don’t cry boney
Boehner: this plan will fail
Gregory: so what the fuck are you crying about?
Boehner: [ sniffles]
he needs to hit the reset button
Gregory: Lindy what does the President need to do ?
Graham: he needs to get off the tv and give the Republicans what they want
Gregory: why is Obama failing?
Graham: he keeps telling people what they want to hear and that’s why people are rejecting him
Gregory: tell me about Afghanistan
Graham: we need to leave with security and honor and then hand it all off to that loser Karzai
Boehner: [ sobbing ]
all he talks about is going after al qaeda that is a very big change and I’m very concerned
Gregory: stop crying for god’s sake
Boehner: but there’s something amiss here
[ wipes tears ]
Gregory: Obama rejected missile defense which doesn’t work
Graham: it’s a total capitulation to the Russians and Iran and we’ve abandoned the little Czechs
Gregory: speaking of sleazey Republicans what about Sanford?
Graham: if we get rid of him they’ll just be another one
Gregory: hey Tom DeLay is Dancing with the Czars - what a second act!
Boehner: you should go on with Karl Rove
Gregory: that would be so cool!
[ break ]
Gregory: Eugene Robinson you say that a lot of the teabagging weirdos are racists
Robinson: undoubtedly - every time you go to one of these rallies the nuts show up claiming he shouldn’t even be President and he's a British-Indonesian Muslim born in Kenya
Gregory: but people said also Bush was not legitimately elected
Robinson: well he wasn’t it
Gregory: and they attacked Clinton and said he wasn’t legitimate
Robinson: that was irrational too
Simon: Jimmy Carter is a fucker - we’re not going to heal racial wounds by pointing out that insane lunatics have been relentlessly attacking the President and send each photoshopped e-mails of Obama as an African witch doctor
Gregory: Has Obama failed to sell government?
Simon: Obama believes entirely in Big Government - that’s who he is
Robinson: jesus people come to rallies bashing government health care and they are on Medicare - they’re completely crazy
Gregory: Is Obama right that the media is full of fuckers?
Simon: we cover bullshit because we brings the truth to the people
Robinson: it’s hypocritical to say the media are shallow and stupid and then go on tv
Gregory: Obama knee-cappped Gov. Paterson!
Simon: shocking - what happened to melanin-solidarity!?
Gregory: Huckabee 2012!!
Robinson: yeah good luck with that