Sunday, September 06, 2009

Meet The Press with David Axelrod - September 6, 2009

Meet The Press
September 6, 2009
David Axelrod
Tom Brokaw
Tom Friedman
Harold Ford
Rudy Guiliani
Gregory: Axel R shouldn’t we just start over
with health care?

Axelrod: no we’ve had months of debate and now it’s time to set forth Obama’s ideas and what he’s willing to compromise on

Gregory: people are scared and terrified
of socialism!

Axelrod: well that’s stupid

Gregory: I’m frightened

Axelrod: look fluffy we’re going to offer people
real choices

Gregory: so is Barack going to insist on
a public option?

Axelrod: well it’s like you David Gregory
- it’s an Important Tool

Gregory: that’s not nice

Axelrod: ok a Valuable Tool

Gregory: what’s his idea?

Axelrod: wants an Insurance Exchange - it would like a Gun Show but with Chemotherapy and Vicodin instead of Glock and Smith & Wesson

Gregory: but then you lose moderate Republicans like Olympia Snowe and radical Republicans like Max Baucus

Axelrod: Public option shouldn’t define the whole debate - there’s other good ideas like a cap on out of pocket expenses so sick people would be impoverished but not actually broke

Gregory: Did Obama lose control of the health
care debate?

Axelrod: he thinks if you just do the right
thing results will come

Gregory: ha

Axelrod: we’re going to tell insurers to start
treating people better

Gregory: There is a national firestorm of controversy saying Obama wants to speak to children as a black President

Axelrod: Barack told me you were a moron

Gregory: [high pitched voice ] how did you lose control of the debate - what happened here!?

Axelrod: what happened is some lunatic
somewhere said something and you started hysterically shrieking

Gregory: did Obama fire Van Jones?

Axelrod: yes but once we fire him the wingnuts
will cease their smear campaigns thank god

Gregory: but Van Jones said controversial things!

Axelrod: like demanding the President’s
birth certificate?

Gregory: ha you funny

Gregory: what about Afghanistan?

Axelrod: we’re going to destroy al qaeda!

Gregory: isn’t Obama a hypocrite if he doesn’t pull out of Afghanistan like he called on Bush to pull out of Iraq?

Axelrod: god you’re stupid

Gregory: thanks very much

[ break ]

Gregory: tell me about health care Tommy

Brokaw: OMG TARP and TALF stimulus and auto bailouts and a trillion dollars - it’s all too expensive!

Gregory: Harold you’re the liberal here - so
please bash Obama

Ford: my liberal friends want to spend a lot just to help people - that’s crazy

Gregory: good point

Guiliani: Obama wants to kill grandma and also won’t cut costs

Gregory: right

Guiliani: the best solutions is to have 50 states competing with each other, tax cuts and ending lawsuits

Gregory: wow that’s brilliant

Friedman: once the GOP said Obama wanted to
kill old people that ended the discussion

Gregory: of course

Friedman: I was kidding Greggers - the GOP are
hate filled and evil

Guiliani: Once the President refused to limit lawsuits he basically said he wanted to murder the elderly

Brokaw: half of health care is already government-run

Guiliani: that’s right - the U.S. government is an illegal monopoly!

Audience: we’ve reached Peak Stupid

Ford: the Republicans wouldn’t work with Obama - he tried and they accused him of genocide

Guiliani: they had to say that after he wouldn’t even consider more tax cuts for the rich

Gregory: that’s only fair

Gregory: I hear Obama is going push this through with an anti-democratic majority

Brokaw: the Mayo Clinic wants to be paid for performance - like an extra $100 for life they save

Gregory: [ high pitched voice ] bailouts and spending - wow suddenly when a Democrat is President this seems like a lot of money!!

Friedman: why can’t he push a bill through - half of Obama’s proposals are Republican ideas!

Guilaini: look this is very simple - all Obama had to do was propose a massive tax cut and require poor people to spend money on insurance and the GOP would love it

Gregory: [ high pitched voice ] OMG Obama has created a firestorm by speaking to students!!

Brokaw: you know Greggers Tim Russert told me you were a true moron

Gregory: but I’m really freaking out here!! this reminds me of when liberals hated George W. Bush

Guiliani: I thinks it’s too bad that Obama has been so controversial it’s sad

Ford: if the President speaking to students is fucking bad I don’t want to be fucking right

Friedman: Fluffy - let me blunt. You Are Flat Out Stupid

Gregory: Anyone would say that Van Jones is
a bad man

Friedman: we live an age of Firestorms and people are held responsible for every stupid thing they twitter

Gregory: [ twittering ]
i think tom friedman sed I am stupid

Brokaw: these darn internets and bloggers - frankly we live in a great Age of Bullshit

Friedman: we’ve been in Afghanistan since 2001 and since a Democrat got elected I just realized that it’s a bad idea!

Gregory: omg that’s scary!

Friedman: we need to win hearts and minds there - and we all know that for America to try that is hopeless

Gregory: Rudy you were Mayor of NYC - tell me about Afghanistan

Guilaini: I like Obama’s plan and support it completely

Audience: dear god

Guilaini: Bush failed by focusing so much on killing people in Iraq and not killing enough people in Afghanistan

Ford: we have an obligation to stay there forever because we love those little Afghans

Brokaw: Afghanistan is a remote disconnected country of crazy tribes

Gregory: so not like the U.S. at all

Guilaini: we have to do whatever it takes to crush terror in a far off land

Gregory: what if it costs as much as health care?

Guilaini: 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11

Friedman: misgovernance and corruption and unemployment produce radicalism

Gregory: Is this America or Afghanistan?


Anonymous said...

You are my favorite part of the entire week.

Ralph said...

At first I carefully compared your version with the transcript, in order to ensure that my precious know-everything street cred would not be endangered by reading your demented translations.

I realize now that whatever garbage these idiots may vomit up on the air, inevitably your summaries will be much better.

So now I don't pay any attention to the original shows. I am completely informed about their content, better than someone who actually tuned it, and without the enbearable agony of actually listening.

I read somewhere recently that many people like to watch TV and use the internet at the same time. If that trend continues, we could finally have live simultaneous translation as these pig-trough dialogs are taking take place.

It could be like broadcasting to the world directly from the landing of the Hindenburg. You get to convey a sense of the wanton destruction taking place before your eyes.

Oh the fucking humanity.

SFAW said...

Peak Stupid? Not even close. It's like Peak Wingnut - every time they do something that we might dare to think it's Peak, then they do something even Peakier.

Ralph said...

SFAW, my sentiments exactly. Naturally there will be some moment in the future when Peak Stupid strikes, but no one can predict when. Meanwhile, the Stupid Industry is drilling more Stupid wells every day, with an impressive rate of success.

We do know there is a theoretical limit. If every human being on the planet descends to the level of a "conservative Republican," we will have reached a condition known to science as Saturation of Stupid. Yet even that far-off pinnacle may not be the end of the story. As P.T. Barnum wisely pointed out, another vessel ready to be filled with Stupid is born every minute.

Anonymous said...

I'm afraid that Stupid is an essentially unlimited resource. Of course, MTP represents a tsunami in the vast ocean of Stupid that surrounds us. Poor us.