Secretary of Defense Bob Gates
Senator John McCain
Stephanopoulos: Bob do we more troops in Afghanistan or not?
Gates: Gen. McChrystal has now told us that Afghanistan really really really sucks
Stephanopoulos: and this was news to you?
Gates: it came as a complete surprise
Stephanopoulos: how can you hold an election in a place run religious fundamentalists and other assorted lunatics and total wackos?
Gates: I’m not here to talk about Florida
Stephanopoulos: is there a rift between the uniformed military and Team Obama?
Gates: no not at all - Obama can bring all people together
Stephanopoulos: but waiting to surge may be putting our soldiers at risk!
Gates: in a war zone? - oh no!
Stephanopoulos: so how do we destroy the Taliban?
Gates: we have to be really close to the ground - maybe underneath it
Stephanopoulos: how many people do we need to kill?
Gates: but George it’s not just about killing - it’s about a new approach and a strategy
Stephanopoulos: like what?
Gates: make new friends by painting smiley faces on our missile-firing drones
Stephanopoulos: what will success in Afghanistan look like?
Gates: it will look like what we’ve done in Iraq
Stephanopoulos: a widely despised occupying power trapped in a quagmire?
Gates: but with soft ice cream!
Stephanopoulos: Will Obama apologize to Iran?
Gates: let me quote the President: fuck that shit
Stephanopoulos: but maybe the Iranians have a peaceful nulear program
Gates: well then why not let IAEA inspectors in like Saddam did?
Stephanopoulos: look how well that turned out for him
Gates: fair point
Stephanopoulos: Iran is close to break-out!
Gates: that means they have enough uranium to later enrich if they could do it and then later hypothetically build a bomb
Gates: we’re seeing destabilization in Iran like we haven’t seen since the US overthrew the government the last time
Gates: severe sanctions might lead to an Iranian revolution
Stephanopoulos: that should work out great
Gates: I’m looking forward to it
Stephanopoulos: what about Gitmo?
Gates: it’s a happy place
[ break ]
Stephanopoulos: do you still think Gitmo should be closed?
McCain: yes but I what I really want to do is whine that Obama is doing everything right but that’s still bad
Stephanopoulos: I’m not following
McCain: Gitmo makes the U.S. look brutal and that’s bad but - let’s not rush into our new non-brutal image
McCain: I would remind you that Iraq was in flames and in total chaos almost as bad as Afghanistan and the surge worked
Stephanopoulos: wow it sure sounds like our empire-building is really going great
McCain: our friends in the region are getting nervous
Stephanopoulos: what friends?
McCain: our new allies like al qaeda
Stephanopoulos: ever since Obama became President we realized that debt is bad and our troops are very stressed
McCain: the best way to relieve the stress on our troops is put them back in combat and let them win
McCain: our troops are very fragile and it will be 10 years before they recover mentally if we don’t kick more ass in Afghanistan
Stephanopoulos: don’t our troops just want to come home to their families?
McCain: no they want to stay forever and ever or they will be very depressed for a decade or two
Stephanopoulos: if you say so
McCain: [ crazy laughter ]
Stephanopoulos: Afghanistan is way fucked up
McCain: even the President’s brother is an embarrassment
Stephanopoulos: but that’s normal in American politics - Billy, Roger, Marvin
McCain: look I get that crazy lefties don’t want a wasteful 10-year war but Abraham Lincoln burned Atlanta which proves you can’t make a freedom omelette without breaking a few thousands eggs
Stephanopoulos: well put