Sunday, September 27, 2009

This Week with George Stephanolopous - September 27, 2009

Secretary of Defense Bob Gates
Senator John McCain
Stephanopoulos: Bob do we more troops in Afghanistan or not?

Gates: Gen. McChrystal has now told us that Afghanistan really really really sucks

Stephanopoulos: and this was news to you?

Gates: it came as a complete surprise

Stephanopoulos: how can you hold an election in a place run religious fundamentalists and other assorted lunatics and total wackos?

Gates: I’m not here to talk about Florida

Stephanopoulos: right

Stephanopoulos: is there a rift between the uniformed military and Team Obama?

Gates: no not at all - Obama can bring all people together

Stephanopoulos: but waiting to surge may be putting our soldiers at risk!

Gates: in a war zone? - oh no!

Stephanopoulos: so how do we destroy the Taliban?

Gates: we have to be really close to the ground - maybe underneath it

Stephanopoulos: how many people do we need to kill?

Gates: but George it’s not just about killing - it’s about a new approach and a strategy

Stephanopoulos: like what?

Gates: make new friends by painting smiley faces on our missile-firing drones

Stephanopoulos: ah

Stephanopoulos: what will success in Afghanistan look like?

Gates: it will look like what we’ve done in Iraq

Stephanopoulos: a widely despised occupying power trapped in a quagmire?

Gates: but with soft ice cream!

Stephanopoulos: Will Obama apologize to Iran?

Gates: let me quote the President: fuck that shit

Stephanopoulos: but maybe the Iranians have a peaceful nulear program

Gates: well then why not let IAEA inspectors in like Saddam did?

Stephanopoulos: look how well that turned out for him

Gates: fair point

Stephanopoulos: Iran is close to break-out!

Gates: that means they have enough uranium to later enrich if they could do it and then later hypothetically build a bomb

Stephanopoulos: maybe

Gates: we’re seeing destabilization in Iran like we haven’t seen since the US overthrew the government the last time

Stephanopoulos: fascinating

Gates: severe sanctions might lead to an Iranian revolution

Stephanopoulos: that should work out great

Gates: I’m looking forward to it

Stephanopoulos: what about Gitmo?

Gates: it’s a happy place

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: do you still think Gitmo should be closed?

McCain: yes but I what I really want to do is whine that Obama is doing everything right but that’s still bad

Stephanopoulos: I’m not following

McCain: Gitmo makes the U.S. look brutal and that’s bad but - let’s not rush into our new non-brutal image

Stephanopoulos: Afghanistan?

McCain: I would remind you that Iraq was in flames and in total chaos almost as bad as Afghanistan and the surge worked

Stephanopoulos: wow it sure sounds like our empire-building is really going great

McCain: our friends in the region are getting nervous

Stephanopoulos: what friends?

McCain: our new allies like al qaeda

Stephanopoulos: ever since Obama became President we realized that debt is bad and our troops are very stressed

McCain: the best way to relieve the stress on our troops is put them back in combat and let them win

Stephanopoulos: really?

McCain: our troops are very fragile and it will be 10 years before they recover mentally if we don’t kick more ass in Afghanistan

Stephanopoulos: don’t our troops just want to come home to their families?

McCain: no they want to stay forever and ever or they will be very depressed for a decade or two

Stephanopoulos: if you say so

McCain: [ crazy laughter ]

Stephanopoulos: Afghanistan is way fucked up

McCain: even the President’s brother is an embarrassment

Stephanopoulos: but that’s normal in American politics - Billy, Roger, Marvin

McCain: exactly

McCain: look I get that crazy lefties don’t want a wasteful 10-year war but Abraham Lincoln burned Atlanta which proves you can’t make a freedom omelette without breaking a few thousands eggs

Stephanopoulos: well put

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