Service Forum with John McCain and Barack Obama

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Service Forum
September 11, 2008
Hosts:
Judy Woodruff
Rick Stengel
Guests:
Senator John McCain
Senator Barack Obama
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Woodruff: how can we make sure we celebrate 9/11 every year right?

McCain: by uttering a string of banal cliches in a weak and feeble voice on national television

Stengel: what would you have done after 9/11 differently from President Stupid?

McCain: i would have proposed neighborhood watch programs to guard nuclear power plants and expanded the military

Stengel: but Stupid did expand the military

McCain: look americans are better than other people and we showed it after 9/11 by bringing democracy to the little brown countries

Woodruff: should we force people to serve?

McCain: oh no! we should underfund the ones we have that way we can always claim they are oversubscribed

Woodruff: why are the American people so eager to serve?

McCain: they are inspired to attack Russia over south ossetia

Stengel: why is Obama always bashing congress?

McCain: because Congress is so terrible they're lazy and greedy

Woodruff: but you've been in Congress for 55 years

McCain: no i fought Congress but Congress won - also i shot the sherriff and his deputy

Stengel: what are the lessons from hurricane katrina?

McCain: the private sector should take the lead FedEx or Target should have been in charge of relief efforts instead of people always relying on big borther

Stengel: what else

McCain: christian churches should build all over levees or at least pray for the hurricanes to hit the bad people

Woodruff: why is it only the rich people like me who volunteer their time

McCain: i've found that isn't true but in any case i hope businesses would give employees to take time off do work for Jimmy Carter

Stengel: what about business giving paid leave for volunteer work

McCain: i would praise them and then give them a tax break to go overseas

Stengel: you and everyone in your family served in the military

McCain: no i never talk about that

Stengel: ok let's move on

McCain: wait let me tell a 30 minute story on my incredible heroism

Woodruff: why are all the troops poor and black?

McCain: hey baby it was worse during the draft

Woodruff: what a relief

McCain: look the reason they're all black is because the military is just too small it's a wonder we haven't been invaded by Luxembourg yet

Woodruff: so we have a teeny tiny army

McCain: yes the answer is to let ivy league colleges let the ROTC recruit for officers on campus among the brave keyboarders

Woodruff: but you know why they don't it's cause the military hates gays - which incidentally could increase the size of the army-

Stengel: whoa! time for a commercial break - don't answer that General McCain

Stengel: you authored a great bill which i won't explain

McCain: [ grins creepily ]

Stengel: so why not have mandatory military service

McCain: whoa dude people are afraid of me enough if they think i'm in favor of the draft the GOP will lose a whole generation

Stengel: fair enough old man

Woodruff: Obama's plan would cost a whopping $3 billion!

McCain: yes it's crazy - let’s have the private sector handle service

Stengel: would ask Senator Obama being your Secretary of Motivatin' Teh Youngsters?

McCain: oh sure but why get the government involved do you know the Bush cabinet never meets?

Stengel: so sad

Woodruff: Sarah Palin dissed community service

McCain: look she had to do that because Obama won't go to all my little town halls

Woodruff: i'm confused

McCain: hey she was defending herself from the vicious sexist attacks on her epic Mayorship of wacka-wacka

Stengel: will you triple AmeriCorps

McCain: yes

[ applause ]

McCain: i love ted kennedy if he can recover so can i

McCain: but dammit let's make sure we encourage volunteerism with bland cheap banalities without doing anything about

Woodrufff: only on CNN folks

Woodruff: what can teh elderly or in your case the superelderly do

McCain: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Woodruff: JOHN!!!

McCain: what? Huh?

Woodruff: this glowing grammaphone hath transmitted a message

McCain: let's face it America sucks - i know that - why don't you think i don't know that?

Woodruff: you're a fucking ray of sunshine

McCain: did i mention i want a war with russia?

Woodruff: why aren't you raving at a tv in a nursing home

McCain: grrr arrr matlock!!!

Stengel: will you give every PhD a green card

McCain: um, what?

Woodruff: we all know this is Happy 9/11 Day - but what makes us superior to Canadians or Mexicans?!

McCain: well the founding fathers thought so - we are the ONLY country that believes in human rights or god -- look at what we did after WWII

Woodruff: Glory Days!

McCain: we are more generous than other nations

Woodruff: you make me feel warm inside but do you have proof of that?

McCain: yes look at our friendship with Britain

Woodruff: exactly

Stengel: why are parties and partisanship so evil?

McCain: oh that is so so so sad - i've said repeatedly that America-hating anti-female muslim nigger is good kid

Stengel: i can't understand why that boy can't accept your friendship

Stengel: OMG! By 2042 the white will be gone how can we stop this!?!

McCain: Look we've had wave after wave of slaves come to america seeking freedom

Stengel: amen

McCain: look casey it's sad but we need all those Mexicans to fight our wars

Stengel: demmit it makes me mad

[ obama walks on stage ]

[ college crowd goes WILD ]

Woodruff: OMG run for your lives!!!

Stengel: what does Christmas mean to you

Obama: birth of christ

Stengel: sorry I meant 9/11

Obama: easy mistake

Casey: sure

Obama: it's a reminder of the spirit of togetherness when dick armey sang with barbara mikulski

[ audience shudders ]

Obama: how do we recreate that

Stengel: remake of South Pacific?

Obama: Hey Stupid did all the right things - he rallied the nation and got Osama

Woodruff: he did?

Obama: but then he should have admitted it was all about oil and had a bold new plan of installing those curly light bulbs in every dorm in America

[ YAYY! ]

Obama: i would have told people we all have to be at war

Stengel: we all know Americans are the laziest fucks around hell they can't be bothered to vote

Obama: that what makes America great - we believe in utter selfishness not only for ourselves but for our neighbors too

Stengel: what else

Obama: we think long term

Stengel: sorry which country are you talking about?

Woodruff: specfics pleez

Obama: i would appoint Ted Kennedy and Orrin Hatch in charge of scaring kids in high school into service - if they volunteer i would promise not to send them to their schools

Woodruff: brilliant!

Stengel: you are in fact in favor of national service and you are black

Obama: i know

Stengel: but how are you going to crush the unions?

Obama: hey the unions are all about coming together they love that

Stengel: but the teachers are tough

Obama: Dood. So. Am. I

Woodruff: McStupid seems kind of out of it - he didn't realize poor people are too busy waiting in line at the soup kitchen to volunteer at the soup kitchen

Obama: hey i can dig it - i graduated from Columbia and it was harder to find a community service job than it was to work on Wall Street

Judy: how odd

Obama: and then you can go to college for a little service

Judy: well ok

Stengel: but Newt Gingrich said the blacks took all the good service jobs so the government has to suck ass!!

Obama: that's just an excuse to give massive tax cuts to the rich

Stengel: what's wrong with that

Obama: FEMA should fucking work

Woodruff: so if i hear right John McCain is heartless bastard and your are a tax raising socialist

Obama: that sums it up - now make your choice America

Woodruff: how can we make our military bigger so we invade Russia?

Obama: oh yeah we need a bigger army - you know my white grandfather fought with Patton

Woodruff: i didn't know there were negroes in the army in those days

Obama: let's be honest small rural towns are fighting our wars and not the rich kids

Stengel: right places like Columbia hate America they invited Adolf Ahmedinejad but not the Uncle Sam

Obama: damm right

[ waves tiny flag ]

Woodruff: so what else

Obama: we need people who speak other languages and agricultural specialists in Afghanistan

Woodruff: like who

Obama: people who know how to grow quality weed like purple kush

Stengel: is there any reason people should the Empire more in war than in peace?

Obama: [ reaches for drink ]

holy shit they're serving kool aid

Woodruff: can we give military benefits to kids in AmeriCorps

Obama: well look with all due respect to young teachers soldiers are risking life and limb - we can only afford right now to give them electrified showers and roach-infested hospitals

Woodruff: well sure

Woodruff: will you have McCain in your cabinet

Obama: yeah i like gramps story he's inspired a generation of kids to get shot down and be a POW

Woodruff: big dreams

Obama: i met a big shot lawyer who quit his job to create a post traumatic stress group in Montana

Woodruff: it's so wonderful that a state with so few people has such a need

Stengel: following the Doctrine of False Equivalency did Democrats insult mayors like Palin did to community organizers

Obama: no

Stengel: would like to expand on that

Obama: you're a dick

Stengel: well i never hear that at teh country club

Judy: you're so mean and partisan

Obama: hey whitey Bush put a fucking horse expert in charge of FEMA and thousands died

Judy: now hold on we don't know that

Obama: cause no one bothered to count

Judy: hey one POW is tragedy, thousands death in the bayou is a statistic

Stengel: de cocqueville said America was deeply weird and special

Obama: we are both selfish and idealistic and under Republicans we have veered toward the selfish

Stengel: well that's America nothing you can do

Obama: no in my campaign as in the army we give young people big jobs

Stengel: are they [ whispers ] black??

Obama: they're whoppin’ green screen's ass

Stengel: following the Doctrine of False Equivalency did Democrats
insult mayors like Palin did to community organizers

Obama: Kennedy and Clinton inspired people

Woodruff: name a good Republican

Obama: ok teddy roosevelt

Stengel: ow that's cheating

Woodruff: thanks for coming handsome