September 11, 2008
Senator John McCain
Senator Barack Obama
Woodruff: how can we make sure we celebrate 9/11 every year right?
McCain: by uttering a string of banal cliches in a weak and feeble voice on national television
Stengel: what would you have done after 9/11 differently from President Stupid?
McCain: i would have proposed neighborhood watch programs to guard nuclear power plants and expanded the military
Stengel: but Stupid did expand the military
McCain: look americans are better than other people and we showed it after 9/11 by bringing democracy to the little brown countries
Woodruff: should we force people to serve?
McCain: oh no! we should underfund the ones we have that way we can always claim they are oversubscribed
Woodruff: why are the American people so eager to serve?
McCain: they are inspired to attack Russia over south ossetia
Stengel: why is Obama always bashing congress?
McCain: because Congress is so terrible they're lazy and greedy
Woodruff: but you've been in Congress for 55 years
McCain: no i fought Congress but Congress won - also i shot the sherriff and his deputy
Stengel: what are the lessons from hurricane katrina?
McCain: the private sector should take the lead FedEx or Target should have been in charge of relief efforts instead of people always relying on big borther
Stengel: what else
McCain: christian churches should build all over levees or at least pray for the hurricanes to hit the bad people
Woodruff: why is it only the rich people like me who volunteer their time
McCain: i've found that isn't true but in any case i hope businesses would give employees to take time off do work for Jimmy Carter
Stengel: what about business giving paid leave for volunteer work
McCain: i would praise them and then give them a tax break to go overseas
Stengel: you and everyone in your family served in the military
McCain: no i never talk about that
Stengel: ok let's move on
McCain: wait let me tell a 30 minute story on my incredible heroism
Woodruff: why are all the troops poor and black?
McCain: hey baby it was worse during the draft
Woodruff: what a relief
McCain: look the reason they're all black is because the military is just too small it's a wonder we haven't been invaded by Luxembourg yet
Woodruff: so we have a teeny tiny army
McCain: yes the answer is to let ivy league colleges let the ROTC recruit for officers on campus among the brave keyboarders
Woodruff: but you know why they don't it's cause the military hates gays - which incidentally could increase the size of the army-
Stengel: whoa! time for a commercial break - don't answer that General McCain
Stengel: you authored a great bill which i won't explain
McCain: [ grins creepily ]
Stengel: so why not have mandatory military service
McCain: whoa dude people are afraid of me enough if they think i'm in favor of the draft the GOP will lose a whole generation
Stengel: fair enough old man
Woodruff: Obama's plan would cost a whopping $3 billion!
McCain: yes it's crazy - let’s have the private sector handle service
Stengel: would ask Senator Obama being your Secretary of Motivatin' Teh Youngsters?
McCain: oh sure but why get the government involved do you know the Bush cabinet never meets?
Stengel: so sad
Woodruff: Sarah Palin dissed community service
McCain: look she had to do that because Obama won't go to all my little town halls
Woodruff: i'm confused
McCain: hey she was defending herself from the vicious sexist attacks on her epic Mayorship of wacka-wacka
Stengel: will you triple AmeriCorps
[ applause ]
McCain: i love ted kennedy if he can recover so can i
McCain: but dammit let's make sure we encourage volunteerism with bland cheap banalities without doing anything about
Woodrufff: only on CNN folks
Woodruff: what can teh elderly or in your case the superelderly do
McCain: what? Huh?
Woodruff: this glowing grammaphone hath transmitted a message
McCain: let's face it America sucks - i know that - why don't you think i don't know that?
Woodruff: you're a fucking ray of sunshine
McCain: did i mention i want a war with russia?
Woodruff: why aren't you raving at a tv in a nursing home
McCain: grrr arrr matlock!!!
Stengel: will you give every PhD a green card
McCain: um, what?
Woodruff: we all know this is Happy 9/11 Day - but what makes us superior to Canadians or Mexicans?!
McCain: well the founding fathers thought so - we are the ONLY country that believes in human rights or god -- look at what we did after WWII
Woodruff: Glory Days!
McCain: we are more generous than other nations
Woodruff: you make me feel warm inside but do you have proof of that?
McCain: yes look at our friendship with Britain
Stengel: why are parties and partisanship so evil?
McCain: oh that is so so so sad - i've said repeatedly that America-hating anti-female muslim nigger is good kid
Stengel: i can't understand why that boy can't accept your friendship
Stengel: OMG! By 2042 the white will be gone how can we stop this!?!
McCain: Look we've had wave after wave of slaves come to america seeking freedom
McCain: look casey it's sad but we need all those Mexicans to fight our wars
Stengel: demmit it makes me mad
[ obama walks on stage ]
[ college crowd goes WILD ]
Woodruff: OMG run for your lives!!!
Stengel: what does Christmas mean to you
Obama: birth of christ
Stengel: sorry I meant 9/11
Obama: easy mistake
Obama: it's a reminder of the spirit of togetherness when dick armey sang with barbara mikulski
[ audience shudders ]
Obama: how do we recreate that
Stengel: remake of South Pacific?
Obama: Hey Stupid did all the right things - he rallied the nation and got Osama
Woodruff: he did?
Obama: but then he should have admitted it was all about oil and had a bold new plan of installing those curly light bulbs in every dorm in America
[ YAYY! ]
Obama: i would have told people we all have to be at war
Stengel: we all know Americans are the laziest fucks around hell they can't be bothered to vote
Obama: that what makes America great - we believe in utter selfishness not only for ourselves but for our neighbors too
Stengel: what else
Obama: we think long term
Stengel: sorry which country are you talking about?
Woodruff: specfics pleez
Obama: i would appoint Ted Kennedy and Orrin Hatch in charge of scaring kids in high school into service - if they volunteer i would promise not to send them to their schools
Stengel: you are in fact in favor of national service and you are black
Obama: i know
Stengel: but how are you going to crush the unions?
Obama: hey the unions are all about coming together they love that
Stengel: but the teachers are tough
Obama: Dood. So. Am. I
Woodruff: McStupid seems kind of out of it - he didn't realize poor people are too busy waiting in line at the soup kitchen to volunteer at the soup kitchen
Obama: hey i can dig it - i graduated from Columbia and it was harder to find a community service job than it was to work on Wall Street
Judy: how odd
Obama: and then you can go to college for a little service
Judy: well ok
Stengel: but Newt Gingrich said the blacks took all the good service jobs so the government has to suck ass!!
Obama: that's just an excuse to give massive tax cuts to the rich
Stengel: what's wrong with that
Obama: FEMA should fucking work
Woodruff: so if i hear right John McCain is heartless bastard and your are a tax raising socialist
Obama: that sums it up - now make your choice America
Woodruff: how can we make our military bigger so we invade Russia?
Obama: oh yeah we need a bigger army - you know my white grandfather fought with Patton
Woodruff: i didn't know there were negroes in the army in those days
Obama: let's be honest small rural towns are fighting our wars and not the rich kids
Stengel: right places like Columbia hate America they invited Adolf Ahmedinejad but not the Uncle Sam
Obama: damm right
[ waves tiny flag ]
Woodruff: so what else
Obama: we need people who speak other languages and agricultural specialists in Afghanistan
Woodruff: like who
Obama: people who know how to grow quality weed like purple kush
Stengel: is there any reason people should the Empire more in war than in peace?
Obama: [ reaches for drink ]
holy shit they're serving kool aid
Woodruff: can we give military benefits to kids in AmeriCorps
Obama: well look with all due respect to young teachers soldiers are risking life and limb - we can only afford right now to give them electrified showers and roach-infested hospitals
Woodruff: well sure
Woodruff: will you have McCain in your cabinet
Obama: yeah i like gramps story he's inspired a generation of kids to get shot down and be a POW
Woodruff: big dreams
Obama: i met a big shot lawyer who quit his job to create a post traumatic stress group in Montana
Woodruff: it's so wonderful that a state with so few people has such a need
Stengel: following the Doctrine of False Equivalency did Democrats insult mayors like Palin did to community organizers
Stengel: would like to expand on that
Obama: you're a dick
Stengel: well i never hear that at teh country club
Judy: you're so mean and partisan
Obama: hey whitey Bush put a fucking horse expert in charge of FEMA and thousands died
Judy: now hold on we don't know that
Obama: cause no one bothered to count
Judy: hey one POW is tragedy, thousands death in the bayou is a statistic
Stengel: de cocqueville said America was deeply weird and special
Obama: we are both selfish and idealistic and under Republicans we have veered toward the selfish
Stengel: well that's America nothing you can do
Obama: no in my campaign as in the army we give young people big jobs
Stengel: are they [ whispers ] black??
Obama: they're whoppin’ green screen's ass
Stengel: following the Doctrine of False Equivalency did Democrats
insult mayors like Palin did to community organizers
Obama: Kennedy and Clinton inspired people
Woodruff: name a good Republican
Obama: ok teddy roosevelt
Stengel: ow that's cheating
Woodruff: thanks for coming handsome