Meet The Press
Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson
Mayor Mike Bloomberg
September 21, 2008
Tom Brokaw: thanks for coming Chancellor this is economy is worst thing since Rome fell to the barbarians
Henry Paulson: hey as a conservative i don't like bailouts but we have to do this
Paulson: crazy irresponsible businessmen drove cadillacs and were on financial crack and now they need welfare
Brokaw: mighty white of them
Paulson: it's very complex with tranches and risk and illiquid stuff
Brokaw: blah blah blah
Brokaw: Shelby says you are a crazy generous hair on fire dood
Paulson: do i look crazy to you?
Brokaw: frankly you look like a villain from a James Bond movie
Paulson: [ pets fluffy white cat ]
Brokaw: how much will this cost
Paulson: who can say - whatever my peeps at the Congressional Country Club need
Brokaw: oh ok
Paulson: when companies can't borrow money everyone suffers
Brokaw: I'm sure
Paulson: don't look at the Dow we need to look at getting people to borrow even more money!
Brokaw: is McCain a total idiot or a complete idiot?
Paulson: look we can make the American people work this debt off if we have to
Brokaw: should we appoint Bloomberg or Buffet to take over America?
Paulson: we are preventing failure
Brokaw: like hiring the iceberg to prevent more failure aboard the Titanic
Brokaw: Hank Greenberg says he can save AIG for a mere $20 billion
Paulson: oh is that all
Brokaw: Lehman sank but you bought AIG - why?
Paulson: AIG has better commercials
Brokaw: Hank Greenberg says he could have saved all by himself
Paulson: they were a few hours away from bankruptcy where was Hank then?
Brokaw: golf course?
Paulson: looks it's simple - AIG is too incompetent to fail
Brokaw: sounds like you're really looking after the taxpayer
Brokaw: the farmers can't get any money!
Paulson: that is why i need superpowers
Brokaw: like what - to fly or invisibility or what?
Paulson: the power to create money from nothing
Brokaw: now that's a cool power
Paulson: it pains me to ding the taxpayer but we need to dip in their pocket one more time -- but it was either than or my buddies lose the lease on their mercedes and the trickle down from that would be catastrophic
Brokaw: warble warble
[ Break ]
Brokaw: you are in a three way as rich mayor newsy guy
Mike Bloomberg: Paulson is awesome but there a two problems - one is fear
Brokaw: i'm terrified
Bloomberg: the other one is deserted homes are blighting nice neighborhoods - also american schools suck
[ break ]
Brokaw: can we please have a fail safe system
Brokaw: why does our government always rush into stupid decisions?
Bloomberg: hey look risk is alot of fun but the real problem is the Republicans are fucking insane
Brokaw: i've noticed that
Bloomberg: we need one world government with one man to above all!
Brokaw: like who
Bloomberg: [ smiles modestly ]
Bloomberg: the problem is instant gratification
Brokaw: i moved to new york city from south dakota and i thought it was very scary
Bloomberg: don't worry about it - people will do without a few things but Yankee stadium will get built!
Brokaw: i'm relieved
Brokaw: Do you want a third term?
Bloomberg: i want to host Meet The Press
Brokaw: nice joke
Bloomberg: i'm not joking dude
[ hands him a $100 million check ]
Brokaw: you say we have a selfish 'i want it all and i want it now' culture
Bloomberg: we are all Veruca Salt now
Brokaw: will you save America
Bloomberg: in all modesty sure why not - i would deign to do that
Brokaw: is America fucked
Bloomberg: well we have a great work ethic and democracy and we fight but that makes us strong
Brokaw: fucked - yes or no?
Bloomberg: oh yeah definitely we're absolutely fucked
Brokaw: are we all socialists now?
Bloomberg: no one knows what the hell these crazy-ass companies do except that they have us by the short hairs
Brokaw: things were great for a while
Bloomberg: what goes up must comes down
Brokaw: what lesson can we learn
Bloomberg: dems have to learn that business is good and Republicans must learn that having gold plated showers borrowed from poor people looks bad
Brokaw: indeed platinum is good enough
Bloomberg: we're being passed in good government by Lethoso and Haiti
Brokaw: but the lipstick!
Bloomberg: uh huh
Brokaw: bailouts good or bad?
Bloomberg: i was pleased that bear stearns and lehman were crushed like the devils they are
Brokaw: you worked at Lehman
Bloomberg: no no Solomon Bros - crush the enemy!
Brokaw: who's to blame?
Bloomberg: all of us who got free mortgages
Brokaw: yes all us
Bloomberg: we all got carried away - c'est la vie
Brokaw: McCain says he is the change guy
Bloomberg: oh sure he is
Brokaw: what do the candidates have to do
Bloomberg: solve problems that can't be solved
Brokaw: and bowl
Bloomberg: i said hey ‘Barack dood American is failing why the hell do you want this thanksless job’??
Brokaw: bailout GM?
Bloomberg: we should not bailout industries and instead bailout people
Brokaw: paying taxes is patriotic?
Bloomberg: as a rich man i hate taxes but as a mayor i like them
Brokaw: who will you be voting for in the election?
Bloomberg: ah but I represent New York City so i want someone who gets urban problems
Brokaw: so either the liberal black city community organizer who went to Columbia or the right wing wizened old man from Arizona
Bloomberg: you can see why I can't make up my mind
[ break ]
Burnett: Paulson wants a bailout and Dems want to help people
Liesman: the US government is buying real estate with NO MONEY DOWN!
Brokaw: that sounds great
Liesman: they are just going to hand wall street guys $100 million cash and say "go play!"
Brokaw: is there any downside to this?
Liesman: no hire a crook to manage the money stolen by a crook
Brokaw: the crooks are getting rich!
Pearlstein: sure they took ten million dollars for failing but the economy is worth trillions
Brokaw: so the thieves get away with it?
Pearlstein: let's not bicker about who stole what
Brokaw: you're kidding
Pearlstein: everyone was doing it and we are as much to blame as the crooks
Brokaw: they risked nothing
Pearlstein: the grown-ups weren't around
Liesman: no one could have anticipated that slick MBAs would be unethical weasels
Pearlstein: the real economy could suffer due to the bad fake economy
Liesman: this is a banner day for socialism
Brokaw: [ sings Internationale ]
Burnett: beautiful financial anchors will do well in the new economy
Brokaw: we can all agree Obama and McCain did not solve this problem this week and that's bad
Liesman: who cares about them - i care about my money
Burnett: we need a king - preferably one old white guy based in Washington DC