Senator Barack Obama
Senator John McCain
Host: Jim Lehrer
University of Mississippi
September 26, 2008
Lehrer: first question is an easy one - at this moment where are you standing?
Obama: i'm standing at Ole Miss dude
Obama: I know all of you are thinking how does this bailout plan affect Barack Obama's ability to send his kid to college
Audience: oh yeah
Obama: we have to do it but no golden parachutes - only platinum
Obama: but let's remember this bailout is a verdict of ‘Guilty’ on conservatism - let's face it - it sucks
McCain: thank you to the University I almost blew off and also my dear friend Ted Kennedy
Audience: didn't he endorse Obama?
McCain: i like it when people get together and Main street failed and will lose their credits and i remember the depression - oh i forgot i like it when people get together also the house republicans were or rather now are part of teh solution - foreign oil [ cough ]
Lehrer: what the hell was that
Obama: let's remember we handed the keys of this county to Phil Gramm and Tom Delay - are you happy now America?
Lehrer: Bailout plan - yes or no
McCain: i hope to vote for it
Lehrer: yes or no?
McCain: yeah why not
McCain: speaking of Eisenhower the answer to our financial problems is to write crazy-ass letters and old timey stories
Obama: oh for god's sake old man you know as well as I do the Republican party tried to repeal the fucking law of gravity
Lehrer: face him and say it
Obama: he scares the shit out of me
McCain: the Wall Street and the Google and the regulators are to blame but goddam the underpaid uninsured american worker will pick up the burden and pay off goldman sach's debt
Lehrer: i can't believe one of you will actually be President
McCain: spending! Eisenhower! Saving Private Ryan! Gateway drugs!
Obama: jesus Christ
McCain: him to
Lehrer: how will you fix America?
McCain: i will veto every spending bill that crosses my desk
Audience: except for the trillion dollar bailout
McCain: we spent a million dollars to find out which children the Chicago Bears fathered
Obama: hey that was an important bill
Obama: there you go again - whine about earmarks while the GOP hands billions to the rich - not this time rictus
McCain: i am outraged that the Republican party is corrupt
Obama: he got that right
McCain: he is a big spending liberal-
Obama: all right i've heard enough from you gramps - you bet i'm spending money health care but basically he's a liar
McCain: the fuckin drunken irish are beating us but the real point is you will be appalled at all the corruption at the longtime Republican party -- which is why you must reject the young Democrat and elect the elderly Republican
Audience: makes sense to me
Obama: John John John
McCain: who? what?
Obama: he wants to keep the loopholes and intends to tax health benefits
McCain: damm i thought he didn't know about that one
Lehrer: John do you want to tax health care?
McCain: energy bill!
Obama: i swear i will cut you open like a motherfuckin fish old man
McCain: he’s a big spender
Obama: fucking liar
McCain: heh heh heh you support big oil
Obama: why don't you go drill offshore you senile fuck
Lehrer: where the hell are we going to come up with 1.2 trillion dollars??
Obama: we are going to have inflate A LOT of tires
Audience: okey dokey
Obama: also more americans will have to die and then we can collect estate taxes
Audience: oh no
Obama: fortunately we have the worst health care system in the world
Audience: oh good
McCain: where was i?
McCain: Cost plus contracts!
Obama: [ drinks ethanol ]
Lehrer: that's poisonous
Obama: i've spent the last 5 years building up an immunity to ethanol
McCain: he's the most liberal senator ever
Obama: yes if by that you mean I oppose George W Bush at evey turn
McCain: can i talk
McCain: [ waves rake ]
Obama: oh for god's sake why would hire a rake wielding grampy when you can hire Tiger Woods with an IQ of 210
Leher: will you be president?
McCain: you can't get there from here
Lehrer: all right you two will you please admit you can't keep your promises when the money is all gone
Obama: dood since you seem to be obsessed with this sure whatever
McCain: [ yells at cloud ]
Lehrer: Obama just take Matlock’s time
Obama: look we're going to have to make some tough choices
McCain: probably enacting a right wing agenda is the way to go so just cut taxes cut regulations and cut waste
Lehrer: yeah nobody ever promises to cut waste
Obama: um hey Abe you voted for Bush's budgets or maybe your forgot
McCain: i was not voted Miss Congeniality i voted Most Likely to Die During a Presidential Campaign
Lehrer: what is the lesson of Iraq
McCain: you cannot have a fight without a plan and with strategy
McCain: we will come home with victory and with honor and we have created our own little colony
McCain: Petraeus! Troops! I have five fingers!
Obama: motherfucker i opposed this disaster when it was risky to do - we took our eye off the ball and spent a trillion dollars and Osama is still free to hit America the lesson is -- Elect Me
McCain: it doesn't matter why we got in it matters that hasn't met with the leaders of the senate subcommitte on Natos
Obama: i am now going filet this old man like a chicken on mardi gras
Obama: you were wrong about sunni and shia and you were wrong about the war and you were wrong about weapons of mass destruction
McCain: but but but
Obama: [ waves finger ] shut the fuck up crazy
McCain: [ whining ] senator obama cut off funds for our little troops
Obama: I'm trying, grampy, I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd
Obama: look Osama bin Laden and Petraeus agree
Lehrer: let's talk Afghanistan
Obama: jesus christ we're being attacked in Afghanitan and the taliban and we're losing and there was no al qaeda and nothing to do with 9/11 and that my friend john is a fucking failure of strategy
Obama: and we have to deal with Poppy and Barbara and jenna and the other one
McCain: let me talk about something that happened 25 years ago
McCain: look we all know Obama is right that we have do certain things in Pakistan if you know what i mean but you don't say it out loud you whisper it
Obama: what do you know?
McCain: i was married to Alexander the Great's niece and the jihadist elements are sending me secret messages by bombing marriot courtyards around world
Obama: he's sundowning
Obama: goddamit I'm motherfucking TNT and I'm gonna take Osama bin Laden out even if he is in fuckin Pakistan
McCain: look i was afraid in 1983 and I would like to talk about Lebanon and Bosnia and Iraq
Obama: [ yawn ]
McCain: and Kosovo and Somalia and
McCain: a woman told me to wear a bracelet and i said ok
McCain: and that means thousands more Americans have to die and spend a trillion dollars
Audience: not following
McCain: we must stay because I still am dealing with issues from a war from 40 years ago
Obama: holy fuck this is just sad
[ shoots three pointer ]
Obama: this old guy said we could muddle through Afghanistan what a loser
McCain: look the point is he hates America
Lehrer: anything else
McCain: he doesn't care about my psychological problems
McCain: if Iran gets nukes it will threaten Israel and also the other little countries will want their own bomb and then Alabama will want one
Obama: oh no
McCain: together with the French we can form a super League of Democracies and threaten to take away Iran's wine and cheese and all the gays there will overthrow the lousy government
Obama: what's ironic here is that Matlock doesn't get the big picture he just lurches from issue to issue to like a doddering villain from a grade b movie
Obama: hey shithead Russia isn't just going to help you out since you practically declared war on them last month
McCain: see if Obama meets with him it will legitimize Ahmedinejad's illegal behavior and I know for a fact that he jaywalks in New York all the time
Obama: i'm not inviting them to Sylvia's for no motherfuckin iced tea!!
McCain: heh heh
Obama: criminy Kissinger wants to meet with Iran and then we cut off ties to North Korea even though they joined the Axis of Evil and paid their dues and everything
McCain: heh heh
Obama: fer god's sake he wants to make war on Spain. Spain!!
Audience: game. set. match.
McCain: [ sarcastic voice ] Kissinger will vouch for me!!
Obama: oh fuck off ya senile loon
McCain: Obama’s favorite dear leader met with Madeline Albright and by the war the South Korean beach volleyball team is a real threat
Obama: didn't i see you in the texas chainsaw massacre?
Obama: i'v lead on this issue in a reasonable manner like in loose nuke but frankly i'd like to hear Crazy's answer cause I guar-damm-tee this will be fun
McCain: he's naive holy shit Russia invaded another country in Georgia i stared into Putin's eyes and i saw a K and a G and a B
Lehrer: what medications were you on
McCain: it was all about the pipeline
Obama: which proves my point
McCain: hey i was married to a lovely Tiblisi woman for 30 years in the 19th Century
McCain: i was in Georgia and some of the Ossetians want to be Russian
Obama: proving my point
McCain: watch Ukraine you can't win Risk without it
Obama: criminy ya loon the reason there was a poster of Putin there is that there is a breakaway province there
Obama: is that the new currency?
Obama: winter is coming
McCain: nuke processing and storing
Obama: no no no
McCain: nunn lugar!
Obama: i love nuclear waste
McCain: i bathe in that shit
Lehrer: 9/11 safe or no
McCain: we are safer than we were on Sept. 12
Obama: well duh they were all dead
McCain: joe lieberman. bipartisan. reaching across the aisle. all that shit.
Obama: he's a fountain of cliches
McCain: we had the best reorganization of government ever
Lehrer: god you're dull
Obama: the biggest threat we face is not a nuclear bomb it's Joe Lieberman and we are spending billions on missile defense and yet this man still roams free
[ Hillary at home, swilling scotch:
fuck this shit bill i would clean both their clocks
bill: i know hill i know
Hill: oh fuck you too
[ drinks ]
McCain: Obama doesn't get it it it's all very psychological see al qeada has seen all the vietnam movies and the Red Dawn and they are just waiting to invade America but it's all psychological and the central issue of our time is trying to finally drive out the demons of Nam and getting over the post traumatic stress from my imprisonment there
Obama: why don't you join me in the 21st century you myopic head case
[Hillary: refill my glass bubba
bill: yes dear
Hill: now goddammit ]
McCain: look i've been involved in every war since 1812 and Obama is just like George Bush
Obama: [ laughs ]
McCain: i love our little soliders and i will take care of them especially at night when the darkness comes
Obama: I am Kenyan and from the 21st century and i will improve relations with the world
McCain: it is vital that you elect me so we can finally deal with my psychological issues from Vietnam
Obama: dood. just... dood.
Lehrer: good night