Guests:
Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)
Nancy-Ann DeParle: White House health reform director
Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA)
Rep. Wasserman Schultz (D-FL)
Marc Morial - President National Urban League
************************
Gregory: what happened at the health care summit?
McCain: it was 7 hours - almost as much fun as
a Matlock marathon
Gregory: so it was good
McCain: yes but the President is planning to seize tyrannical power by passing laws with 51 votes
Gregory: so how will you react if the Democrats
do this terrible thing
McCain: reconciliation is evil
Gregory: you voted for reconciliation 9 times
McCain: yes but I objected strenuously to my votes
Gregory: Obama reminded you that the American people hate you
McCain: yes but the idea that you pass laws with
60 votes and a massive majority in the House is
just plain crazy
Gregory: how odd
McCain: it’s totally unsavory to make a deal to build a hospital in Connecticut behind closed doors
Gregory: you’re kidding
McCain: policy cannot be made by deals made
with lawmakers
Gregory: with all due respect you cannot possibly
be serious
McCain: I am serious and don’t offer me pudding
if you don’t have any
Gregory: John I didn’t offer you pudding
McCain: [ yells at cloud ]
Gregory: this bill is just like RomneyCare
McCain: why don’t the Democrats just agree to what Republicans want after all I was elected President - not him
Gregory: no you weren’t - you lost
McCain: then why I am always on tv?
Gregory: you’re the Jerry Stiller of pundit tv - a hilariously weird grandpa
McCain: look the way you have bipartisan negotiations is you get drunk with Ted Kennedy
and completely forget what you agreed to -
Obama didn’t do this that way at all
Gregory: How should Obama do it?
McCain: agree to everything Republicans want
Gregory: is it good for Republicans to do nothing?
McCain: the American people want us to start over go behind closed doors and make a deal
Gregory: why do the American people hate the bill so much?
McCain: the people hate cynical deals made behind closed doors
Gregory: you’re senile but JD Hayworth is insane
McCain: believe me I know
Gregory: is Obama a socialist?
McCain: look Obama refuses to sit down with us
Gregory: he sat down with you this week
McCain: which proved how wily he is!
Gregory: you said before that if military leaders supported repealing ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ You would agree but now you don’t
McCain: but there’s a supply sergeant in Germany who doesn’t like gays so we can’t
Gregory: I see
McCain: they are all saying no
Gregory: no they aren’t
McCain: it’s clear that we are in two wars so
gays are icky
Gregory: you voted for the evil TARP
McCain: Hank Paulson lied to me!!!
Gregory: you seem easily fooled
McCain: I’m no Matlock
Gregory: he says without TARP we’d have 25% unemployment
McCain: I read it in all the newspapers - they lied to all of us and saved General Motors which is nuts!!
Gregory: Iraq has been incredibly successful - can we do the same wonderful things in Afghanistan?
McCain: oh of course - but don’t forget we could still fail in Iraq - that’s what a great idea invading was
Gregory: should we leave Afghanistan?
McCain: I would appreciate it if Obama would go to Afghanistan and tell them he is never leaving
Gregory: anything else
McCain: he could name me President
Gregory: see you next week John
[ break ]
Gregory: Nancy can Obama pass health care reform or not?
DeParle: the President is trying desperately to point out we really need to enact reform
Gregory: do you have the votes?
DeParle: No
Gregory: has the President finally realized Republicans will never stop calling him a Nazi
New Guinean Witch Doctor?
DeParle: hey health care reform already passed the House and Senate by 60 votes
Gregory: McCain objects to all your secret deals
DeParle: I don’t know what Senile John is talking about
Gregory: oh but you did make Super Secret Deals!!
DeParle: how do you know?
Gregory: Honest John McCain told me!
DeParle: the election is over and the geezer lost!
Gregory: how can you go ahead with health care reform when the American people don’t want it
DeParle: they do want health care reform Fluffy
Gregory: if that’s true then why didn’t I put up
a poll that shows that?
DeParle: because you’re a liar and a corporate whore
Gregory: David Brooks says you should raise taxes
DeParle: he’s an idiot
Gregory: but he’s right
DeParle: so let him raise taxes or shut the fuck up
[ break ]
Gregory: Eric why hasn’t health care reform passed?
Cantor: because the American people have decided that health care is no big deal and the most important thing is not letting people sue for malpractice
Wasserman Schultz: hey dipshit right now we’ve got death panels and they are called insurance companies and Dancin’ Dave if you want to quote
a poll - quote that!
Gregory: General Electric won’t let me
Gregory: the reality is that people hate health
care reform
Morial: the reality is that you’re a paid liar
Brownstein: we saw different philosophies this week - the Dems want to cover people with health insurance and Republicans want to protect corporations from lawsuits
Kay: you American idiots have health care just above fucking Cuba
Gregory: let’s face it - Republicans are right all Americans hate the government
Morial: holy shit I heard you are a moron
Cantor: we Republicans care about suffering people - the best way to help people is to empower them to negotiate for heart surgery while they are dying
Wasserman Schultz: good god people are already paying for poor people getting treatment in an emergency room
Gregory: no no no reality check time
Brownstein: the CBO says ObamaCare would lower the deficit but the GOP says they don’t count because it supports a Democratic plan
Gregory: of course
Brownstein: the real problem is white people are afraid they will be giving something free to a lazy black person
Wasserman Schultz: Democrats would cover people, cut costs and cut taxes and the GOP would provide gold toilets to the CEO of all the big insurers
Cantor: we have an [ air quotes ]
“incremental approach”
Wasserman Schultz: that’s code for do nothing
Cantor: we have universal coverage in our bill
Wasserman Schultz: no you don’t you fucking lizard
Cantor: how did you know I was a reptile?
[ rips off face, sticks out forked tongue ]
HISSSSSSSS
Gregory: eww
Kay: If the GOP can carry the amphibian and reptilian votes they can carry Florida and Arizona
Morial: what ever happened to fucking democracy?!?
Cantor: Pelosi wants to ram through her homosexual agenda
Wasserman Schultz: they just want Obama to fail
- oy vey
Gregory: Eric could you support anything in ObamaCare?
Cantor: tort reform, fewer restrictions on insurers and Obama resigning
Gregory: Obama should never have pushed for a necessary popular health care reform
Kay: that’s entirely dimwitted Daniel
Gregory: my name’s David
Kay: really?
Morial: we need to pass a motherfucking bill!
Brownstein: this is a gut-check moment Democrats - get off your ass take a risk and go for it on 4th and goal - you’re almost in the damm end zone!
Gregory: Charlie Rangel broke ethics rules!
Cantor: oh no so so so sad [ begins weeping ]
Wasserman Schultz: oy gevalt!
Gregory: Obama tried to get Governor Paterson out - and now look what’s happened
Kay: this proves Obama has no clout
Gregory: ha that makes no sense at all - we’ll leave
it there -- Go USA!
*****************
by Culture of Truth
********************
Sunday, February 28, 2010
ABC’s This Week
ABC’s This Week
February 28, 2010
Host:
Elizabeth Vargas
Guests:
Nancy Pelosi: D-Speaker of the House
Sen. Lamar Alexander: R-TN
***********************************
Vargas: Nancy can you pass health care reform
Pelosi: judging by the summit meeting I would
have to say ‘are you fucking kidding’
Vargas: is that a yes?
Pelosi: well do we want to get a bill passed or get real reform - like close the donut hole
Vargas: ok
Pelosi: wait there’s no more - we have to remove
the Nebraska exception
Vargas: All of the American people hate health care reform
Pelosi: that’s stupid
Vargas: politicians are afriad that no one wants health care
Pelosi: the men in this body need to suck it up,
grow a pair of ovaries and pass real reform
Vargas: Obama dropped the public option
Pelosi: well somehow we need to rein in the evil insurance companies
Vargas: but Obama is to blame for not posting a bill on the Internet
Pelosi: hey Liz if Ted Kennedy hadn’t died would have reform enacted by now
Vargas: oh?
Pelosi: well it would also help if the GOP weren’t
total assholes
Vargas: that goes without saying
Pelosi: people are suffering and can’t wait any longer
Vargas: can House Dems support Senate restrictions on abortion?
Pelosi: we’re going to have to or else turn our backs on insuranceless Americans
Vargas: the Black Caucus says the $15 billion jobs bill, and I quote, “is fucking bullshit”
Pelosi: they’re right
Vargas: so what do you do
Pelosi: the health care reform bill will create 4 million jobs immediately
Vargas: how can Charles Rangel possibly stay in power if he violated ethics rules?
Pelosi: if we kicked everyone out who was unethical Washington DC would look like Atlantic City in January
Vargas: actually AC is crowded in the winter with criminals, gambling addicts and assorted degenerates
Pelosi: see what I mean
Vargas: you called the tea party movement a fake movement
Pelosi: no I called them Astroturf - but I love
indoor grass
Vargas: you have common ground with the loony tea partiers??
Pelosi: well let’s see them prove they are genuine by voting with us against corporations
Vargas: give yourself a grade
Pelosi: I give me an A for effort
Vargas: but you can’t pass any laws
Pelosi: Republicans require 60 votes just to approve the morning prayer so the Senate runs out of time
to get shit done
Vargas: what grade would give the Senate
Pelosi: uh what’s below F?? Z? Omega?
[ break ]
Vargas: Lamar will you ever cooperate with Obama?
Alexander: yes if he discards all his ideas and adopts all GOP ideas
Vargas: what’s your problem with the bill?
Alexander: it hurts Medicare
Vargas: are you serious?
Alexander: also he’s unacceptably jamming it through after a year of debate with a majority vote
Vargas: but the GOP uses reconciliation all the time
Alexander: yes but it has never been used for ‘Democratic’ laws - that’s the big difference
Vargas: I don’t understand
Alexander: it would be the end of the US Senate to impose majority rule on the American people
Vargas: it seems like people want some health care reform
Alexander: sure it’s a good idea but there’s a sense among lunatics that taxpayers are the jews for Obama’s ovens
Vargas: so if the Democrats lose all their seats what do you care?
Alexander: well then we’d have to repeal it and that would take too much time from stopping underwear bombers
Vargas: you say America can no longer do
big things
Alexander: yes
Vargas: that’s not good
Alexander: Obama can learn from George W. Bush and his restrained ways
Vargas: Pfffftt!!! [ spit take ]
Alexander: we do better as a nation when we do
little or nothing
Vargas: what an inspiring thought
Alexander: a 2,700 page bill written near a holiday after the sun sets is inevitably fascist
Vargas: you have a fascinating world view
Alexander: we have a country too complex to do big things
Vargas: if a Republican votes with Dems they get called ‘Judas’
Alexander: yes but in the tea party that’s a compliment
Vargas: really?
Alexander: like Joe McCarthy or Ayn Rand he was
a greatly misunderstood hero
Vargas: oh my
Alexander: it’s all in the new ConservaBible -
look it up
******************
by Culture of Truth
February 28, 2010
Host:
Elizabeth Vargas
Guests:
Nancy Pelosi: D-Speaker of the House
Sen. Lamar Alexander: R-TN
***********************************
Vargas: Nancy can you pass health care reform
Pelosi: judging by the summit meeting I would
have to say ‘are you fucking kidding’
Vargas: is that a yes?
Pelosi: well do we want to get a bill passed or get real reform - like close the donut hole
Vargas: ok
Pelosi: wait there’s no more - we have to remove
the Nebraska exception
Vargas: All of the American people hate health care reform
Pelosi: that’s stupid
Vargas: politicians are afriad that no one wants health care
Pelosi: the men in this body need to suck it up,
grow a pair of ovaries and pass real reform
Vargas: Obama dropped the public option
Pelosi: well somehow we need to rein in the evil insurance companies
Vargas: but Obama is to blame for not posting a bill on the Internet
Pelosi: hey Liz if Ted Kennedy hadn’t died would have reform enacted by now
Vargas: oh?
Pelosi: well it would also help if the GOP weren’t
total assholes
Vargas: that goes without saying
Pelosi: people are suffering and can’t wait any longer
Vargas: can House Dems support Senate restrictions on abortion?
Pelosi: we’re going to have to or else turn our backs on insuranceless Americans
Vargas: the Black Caucus says the $15 billion jobs bill, and I quote, “is fucking bullshit”
Pelosi: they’re right
Vargas: so what do you do
Pelosi: the health care reform bill will create 4 million jobs immediately
Vargas: how can Charles Rangel possibly stay in power if he violated ethics rules?
Pelosi: if we kicked everyone out who was unethical Washington DC would look like Atlantic City in January
Vargas: actually AC is crowded in the winter with criminals, gambling addicts and assorted degenerates
Pelosi: see what I mean
Vargas: you called the tea party movement a fake movement
Pelosi: no I called them Astroturf - but I love
indoor grass
Vargas: you have common ground with the loony tea partiers??
Pelosi: well let’s see them prove they are genuine by voting with us against corporations
Vargas: give yourself a grade
Pelosi: I give me an A for effort
Vargas: but you can’t pass any laws
Pelosi: Republicans require 60 votes just to approve the morning prayer so the Senate runs out of time
to get shit done
Vargas: what grade would give the Senate
Pelosi: uh what’s below F?? Z? Omega?
[ break ]
Vargas: Lamar will you ever cooperate with Obama?
Alexander: yes if he discards all his ideas and adopts all GOP ideas
Vargas: what’s your problem with the bill?
Alexander: it hurts Medicare
Vargas: are you serious?
Alexander: also he’s unacceptably jamming it through after a year of debate with a majority vote
Vargas: but the GOP uses reconciliation all the time
Alexander: yes but it has never been used for ‘Democratic’ laws - that’s the big difference
Vargas: I don’t understand
Alexander: it would be the end of the US Senate to impose majority rule on the American people
Vargas: it seems like people want some health care reform
Alexander: sure it’s a good idea but there’s a sense among lunatics that taxpayers are the jews for Obama’s ovens
Vargas: so if the Democrats lose all their seats what do you care?
Alexander: well then we’d have to repeal it and that would take too much time from stopping underwear bombers
Vargas: you say America can no longer do
big things
Alexander: yes
Vargas: that’s not good
Alexander: Obama can learn from George W. Bush and his restrained ways
Vargas: Pfffftt!!! [ spit take ]
Alexander: we do better as a nation when we do
little or nothing
Vargas: what an inspiring thought
Alexander: a 2,700 page bill written near a holiday after the sun sets is inevitably fascist
Vargas: you have a fascinating world view
Alexander: we have a country too complex to do big things
Vargas: if a Republican votes with Dems they get called ‘Judas’
Alexander: yes but in the tea party that’s a compliment
Vargas: really?
Alexander: like Joe McCarthy or Ayn Rand he was
a greatly misunderstood hero
Vargas: oh my
Alexander: it’s all in the new ConservaBible -
look it up
******************
by Culture of Truth
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Meet the Press - February 21, 2010
Guests:
Gen. David Petraeus
Gov. Tim Pawlenty
Rep. Van Hollen
Rep. Mike Pence
February 21, 2010
*********
Gregory: General we’ve had amazing success against the Taliban this week - how big a defeat is
this for Obama??
Petraeus: actually we’re winning and doing very well
Gregory: that’s not what I heard from the GOP
Petraeus: well you’re an idiot
Gregory: but there are questions-
Petraeus: shut up
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
but there are U.S. losses!
Petraeus: we’re sending in our Very Special Forces
Gregory: like ‘Special’ special or
‘Family Guy’ special?
Petraeus: ha
Gregory: so now that Obama is President I am concerned about U.S. losses
Petraeus: hey Fluffy did you know that 9/11 was planned in Afghanistan, Hamburg and Florida?
Gregory: good I want to help you invade
Daytona Beach
Petraeus: I’m with you Dancin Dave
Gregory: so who is this guy you caught?
Petraeus: we’re carrying this fight against the Taliban with our new allies the Tallyban
Gregory: Shouldn’t we be torturing this swarthy man?
Petraeus: Hey moron - torture doesn’t work
Gregory: but it’s fun
Petraeus: no it backfires and hurts America overseas
Gregory: awww
Petraeus: torture isn’t biodegradable - that’s why
Al Gore hates it
Greogry: but wasn’t Obama short-sighted for
closing our Caribbean torture gulag?
Petraeus: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: Dick Cheney says we are going to be nuked
Petraeus: well he’s thinking of his failures and not Obama’s successes
Gregory: 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11
Petraeus: idiot
Gregory: OMG Iran is going to drop a nuclear
bomb on us!!!!
Petraeus: Calm down Fluffy
Gregory: But Daddy I’m scared!!!
Petraeus: Don’t worry we’re sending Iran a
sternly worded letter
Gregory: but shouldn’t Israel just bomb Iran?
Petraeus: Let me put it this way - wheeeeee
[makes whistling sound of bomb flying
through the air]
Gregory: Is Iraq a Democracy?
Petraeus: It’s an Iraqracy
Gregory: what is that?
Petraeus: Freer than North Korea but not as
fair as Florida in 2000
Gregory: close enough
Gregory: Isn’t this the wrong time to let those icky gay people in the military what with all the wars?
Petraeus: don’t worry Fluffy we won’t take you anyway
Gregory: but gay people are so gay!
Petraeus: have you seen the Olympics?
Gregory: good point - after all half the GOP
Congress are gay
Petraeus: hey if they can fire a gun they can
fight with me
Gregory: I bet they can General
[ break ]
Gregory: Dick Cheney says Obama is a one-term President
Pawlenty: ooh I sure I hope Dick is right
Gregory: there’s a first time for everything
Pawlenty: we’re going to win in 2010 but I’m not sure about 2012 since the world may end
Gregory: you also say the GOP blew it
Pawlenty: yes but that was only the last 30 years - we’ve completely changed since 2008
Gregory: oh ok
Pawlenty: but these are serious times and we
need serious solutions
Gregory: like what
Pawlenty: repealing all Miranda rights
Gregory: you said we smash should the government with a nine-iron since a black man is President!!
Pawlenty: I had to say racist weird shit because China buys our debt
Gregory: are you running for President?
Pawlenty: sure - I’m dumb but white so why not?
Gregory: what about the stimulus?
Pawlenty: we need to grow the economy by
cutting taxes
Gregory: did the stimulus work?
Pawlenty: no
Gregory: but it created jobs
Pawlenty: but just government jobs
Gregory: so they don’t count?
Pawlenty: no because it only created 2 million jobs
Gregory: what are you answers?
Pawlenty: cut taxes
Gregory: anything else?
Pawlenty: take some taxes and cut them
Gregory: what is your vision for America?
Pawlenty: do anything we can to give stuff to corporations
Gregory: what about the debt?
Pawlenty: we should cut federal spending
Gregory: what about the wars?
Pawlenty: oh not defense
Gregory: so where do you cut?
Pawlenty: cut benefits for cushy overpaid bus drivers
Gregory: are we winning the war on terror?
Pawlenty: yes thanks to Dick Cheney
Gregory: is the climate changing?
Pawlenty: yes but it it all natural so we must declare war on Mother Nature - if we pour more coal into the atmosphere - that will show her!
Gregory: Gays in the military?
Pawlenty: no Republicans don’t want to join up anyway
Gregory: health care reform?
Pawlenty: just let people shop around for the best open heart surgery while they are dying
Gregory: tell me all your thoughts on God
Pawlenty: God wants to me to run for President and lose to Mitt Romney in the primaries in February
of 2012
Gregory: well ok then
[ break ]
Gregory: ok surprising many people Evan Bayh flew a plane into the IRS building this week - what is going on?
Pence: I agree with Evan Bayh that Democrats are evil and we should violently overthrow the government
Van Hollen: hey we passed a lot of bills and the Republicans recently voted against the “Republicans Get What They Want Act of 2010”
Gregory: Some say Obama should just give the GOP whatever they want
Dionne: The Republican Party has gone completely insane - which is fine but you can’t blame Obama for their intransigence
Noonan: we need more good things and not
bad things
Pence: We would love to work with Obama but he’s an evil man cooking up creepy things in back rooms
Van Hollen: The Democrats cut taxes on 95% and the GOP said that’s not enough because the poor rich were left out
Gregory: health care summit?
Dionne: the summit will be useful because people will actually be able to compare their ideas instead of yelling about not cooperating
Pence: no fair!
Noonan: Hitler used to pass bills of 1,000 pages
Dionne: oh
Noonan: also tax cuts are bad when Democrats do it
Pence: let me be clear on this - we are willing to work with Democrats if they do everything we want
Van Hollen: oh is that all?
Pence: also if Obama resigns
Gregory: Ha the GOP is going to take the House!
Van Hollen: no they aren’t stupid
Pence: the American people are tired of personal irresponsibility, big spending, debt and bailouts
George W. Bush:
[watching at home, in his underwear, drinking beer]
aaaw fuck you Pency!
[ throws slipper at tv ]
Gregory: thanks for watching
Bush: aw fuck you too fluffy
Laura: Calm down George
***********
Gen. David Petraeus
Gov. Tim Pawlenty
Rep. Van Hollen
Rep. Mike Pence
February 21, 2010
*********
Gregory: General we’ve had amazing success against the Taliban this week - how big a defeat is
this for Obama??
Petraeus: actually we’re winning and doing very well
Gregory: that’s not what I heard from the GOP
Petraeus: well you’re an idiot
Gregory: but there are questions-
Petraeus: shut up
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
but there are U.S. losses!
Petraeus: we’re sending in our Very Special Forces
Gregory: like ‘Special’ special or
‘Family Guy’ special?
Petraeus: ha
Gregory: so now that Obama is President I am concerned about U.S. losses
Petraeus: hey Fluffy did you know that 9/11 was planned in Afghanistan, Hamburg and Florida?
Gregory: good I want to help you invade
Daytona Beach
Petraeus: I’m with you Dancin Dave
Gregory: so who is this guy you caught?
Petraeus: we’re carrying this fight against the Taliban with our new allies the Tallyban
Gregory: Shouldn’t we be torturing this swarthy man?
Petraeus: Hey moron - torture doesn’t work
Gregory: but it’s fun
Petraeus: no it backfires and hurts America overseas
Gregory: awww
Petraeus: torture isn’t biodegradable - that’s why
Al Gore hates it
Greogry: but wasn’t Obama short-sighted for
closing our Caribbean torture gulag?
Petraeus: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: Dick Cheney says we are going to be nuked
Petraeus: well he’s thinking of his failures and not Obama’s successes
Gregory: 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11
Petraeus: idiot
Gregory: OMG Iran is going to drop a nuclear
bomb on us!!!!
Petraeus: Calm down Fluffy
Gregory: But Daddy I’m scared!!!
Petraeus: Don’t worry we’re sending Iran a
sternly worded letter
Gregory: but shouldn’t Israel just bomb Iran?
Petraeus: Let me put it this way - wheeeeee
[makes whistling sound of bomb flying
through the air]
Gregory: Is Iraq a Democracy?
Petraeus: It’s an Iraqracy
Gregory: what is that?
Petraeus: Freer than North Korea but not as
fair as Florida in 2000
Gregory: close enough
Gregory: Isn’t this the wrong time to let those icky gay people in the military what with all the wars?
Petraeus: don’t worry Fluffy we won’t take you anyway
Gregory: but gay people are so gay!
Petraeus: have you seen the Olympics?
Gregory: good point - after all half the GOP
Congress are gay
Petraeus: hey if they can fire a gun they can
fight with me
Gregory: I bet they can General
[ break ]
Gregory: Dick Cheney says Obama is a one-term President
Pawlenty: ooh I sure I hope Dick is right
Gregory: there’s a first time for everything
Pawlenty: we’re going to win in 2010 but I’m not sure about 2012 since the world may end
Gregory: you also say the GOP blew it
Pawlenty: yes but that was only the last 30 years - we’ve completely changed since 2008
Gregory: oh ok
Pawlenty: but these are serious times and we
need serious solutions
Gregory: like what
Pawlenty: repealing all Miranda rights
Gregory: you said we smash should the government with a nine-iron since a black man is President!!
Pawlenty: I had to say racist weird shit because China buys our debt
Gregory: are you running for President?
Pawlenty: sure - I’m dumb but white so why not?
Gregory: what about the stimulus?
Pawlenty: we need to grow the economy by
cutting taxes
Gregory: did the stimulus work?
Pawlenty: no
Gregory: but it created jobs
Pawlenty: but just government jobs
Gregory: so they don’t count?
Pawlenty: no because it only created 2 million jobs
Gregory: what are you answers?
Pawlenty: cut taxes
Gregory: anything else?
Pawlenty: take some taxes and cut them
Gregory: what is your vision for America?
Pawlenty: do anything we can to give stuff to corporations
Gregory: what about the debt?
Pawlenty: we should cut federal spending
Gregory: what about the wars?
Pawlenty: oh not defense
Gregory: so where do you cut?
Pawlenty: cut benefits for cushy overpaid bus drivers
Gregory: are we winning the war on terror?
Pawlenty: yes thanks to Dick Cheney
Gregory: is the climate changing?
Pawlenty: yes but it it all natural so we must declare war on Mother Nature - if we pour more coal into the atmosphere - that will show her!
Gregory: Gays in the military?
Pawlenty: no Republicans don’t want to join up anyway
Gregory: health care reform?
Pawlenty: just let people shop around for the best open heart surgery while they are dying
Gregory: tell me all your thoughts on God
Pawlenty: God wants to me to run for President and lose to Mitt Romney in the primaries in February
of 2012
Gregory: well ok then
[ break ]
Gregory: ok surprising many people Evan Bayh flew a plane into the IRS building this week - what is going on?
Pence: I agree with Evan Bayh that Democrats are evil and we should violently overthrow the government
Van Hollen: hey we passed a lot of bills and the Republicans recently voted against the “Republicans Get What They Want Act of 2010”
Gregory: Some say Obama should just give the GOP whatever they want
Dionne: The Republican Party has gone completely insane - which is fine but you can’t blame Obama for their intransigence
Noonan: we need more good things and not
bad things
Pence: We would love to work with Obama but he’s an evil man cooking up creepy things in back rooms
Van Hollen: The Democrats cut taxes on 95% and the GOP said that’s not enough because the poor rich were left out
Gregory: health care summit?
Dionne: the summit will be useful because people will actually be able to compare their ideas instead of yelling about not cooperating
Pence: no fair!
Noonan: Hitler used to pass bills of 1,000 pages
Dionne: oh
Noonan: also tax cuts are bad when Democrats do it
Pence: let me be clear on this - we are willing to work with Democrats if they do everything we want
Van Hollen: oh is that all?
Pence: also if Obama resigns
Gregory: Ha the GOP is going to take the House!
Van Hollen: no they aren’t stupid
Pence: the American people are tired of personal irresponsibility, big spending, debt and bailouts
George W. Bush:
[watching at home, in his underwear, drinking beer]
aaaw fuck you Pency!
[ throws slipper at tv ]
Gregory: thanks for watching
Bush: aw fuck you too fluffy
Laura: Calm down George
***********
This Week with Schwarzenegger and Ed Rendell - Feb. 21, 2010
February 21, 2010
Host: Terry Moran
Guests:
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-CA)
Gov. Ed Rendell (D-PA)
**********************
Moran: hey Governors the economy really sucks
Schwarzenegger: yah but haus sales are up and peeple are getting back to verk
Moran: Ed Pennsylvania sucks like California without the nice weather
Rendell: yes I predict things will go from spectacularly bad to merely horribly crappy
Moran: that sounds great
Rendell: thankfully Obama staved off disaster temporarily
Moran: I noticed the $200 billion jobs bill went
to $15 billion
Schwarzenegger: yah ve need to rebuilt Amerrycah
Moran: oh ok
Schwarzenegger: eff you built it zee peepel vill
come like Ike did ven he come to Ameruricah
Moran: but that was in the 50s when America
didn’t suck!
Rendell: we need jobs that can’t be outsourced
Moran: like what?
Rendell: bring back the steel industry
Moran: [ facepalm ] oh god
Rendell: no one is willing to plan beyond the
next election
Moran: let’s talk about the next election - here’s robot Mitt Romney
Romney: Employers were so scared by the stimulus they refused to hire people!
Schwarzenegger: but zen zey Republicans zey claim credit for creating jobs eets hippocrazy
Rendell: that’s well put muscle man
Schwarzenegger: da steemuloos vas gud
for gullyfornia
Rendell: Romney is a clever liar his programmer should be very proud
Moran: it may be a lie but it worked - which is the only important thing
Rendell: Obama let the GOP spin the media on the people on the effectiveness of the stimulus
Moran: what should he have done?
Rendell: should have emphasized that the stimulus helped hard-working white people!
Moran: Conservatives had a conference - wow they are so popular with crazy people!
Schwarzenegger: zey are ze party of ‘No’ but zats
ok because peeple are very angry
Moran: we should give them all guns
Schwarzenegger: yah all lessons of life zey
can be learned from de sports
Moran: of course
Schwarzenegger: but you fail sometimes and zen you succeed - for example I vaz in zat movie about a
pregnant man and zen I married a kennedy
Moran: that’s very nice Arnold but let’s talk about how Obama is a failure
Rendell: Fuck you and fuck Congressman
Pence too
Moran: We have to raise taxes and cut Medicare
Rendell: we have to raise the retirement age on those lazy old people!
Schwarzenegger: ve need da high speed rail and
da vater projects just look at zee pershians and zee romans and ze Egypt peeples
Moran: health care?
Schwarzenegger: ve must talk about fat kids
Moran: anything else?
Schwarzenegger: Dort reform!
Rendell: Republicans should have ideas
that don’t suck
Schwarzenegger: oh noes zats not gud
*****************
Host: Terry Moran
Guests:
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-CA)
Gov. Ed Rendell (D-PA)
**********************
Moran: hey Governors the economy really sucks
Schwarzenegger: yah but haus sales are up and peeple are getting back to verk
Moran: Ed Pennsylvania sucks like California without the nice weather
Rendell: yes I predict things will go from spectacularly bad to merely horribly crappy
Moran: that sounds great
Rendell: thankfully Obama staved off disaster temporarily
Moran: I noticed the $200 billion jobs bill went
to $15 billion
Schwarzenegger: yah ve need to rebuilt Amerrycah
Moran: oh ok
Schwarzenegger: eff you built it zee peepel vill
come like Ike did ven he come to Ameruricah
Moran: but that was in the 50s when America
didn’t suck!
Rendell: we need jobs that can’t be outsourced
Moran: like what?
Rendell: bring back the steel industry
Moran: [ facepalm ] oh god
Rendell: no one is willing to plan beyond the
next election
Moran: let’s talk about the next election - here’s robot Mitt Romney
Romney: Employers were so scared by the stimulus they refused to hire people!
Schwarzenegger: but zen zey Republicans zey claim credit for creating jobs eets hippocrazy
Rendell: that’s well put muscle man
Schwarzenegger: da steemuloos vas gud
for gullyfornia
Rendell: Romney is a clever liar his programmer should be very proud
Moran: it may be a lie but it worked - which is the only important thing
Rendell: Obama let the GOP spin the media on the people on the effectiveness of the stimulus
Moran: what should he have done?
Rendell: should have emphasized that the stimulus helped hard-working white people!
Moran: Conservatives had a conference - wow they are so popular with crazy people!
Schwarzenegger: zey are ze party of ‘No’ but zats
ok because peeple are very angry
Moran: we should give them all guns
Schwarzenegger: yah all lessons of life zey
can be learned from de sports
Moran: of course
Schwarzenegger: but you fail sometimes and zen you succeed - for example I vaz in zat movie about a
pregnant man and zen I married a kennedy
Moran: that’s very nice Arnold but let’s talk about how Obama is a failure
Rendell: Fuck you and fuck Congressman
Pence too
Moran: We have to raise taxes and cut Medicare
Rendell: we have to raise the retirement age on those lazy old people!
Schwarzenegger: ve need da high speed rail and
da vater projects just look at zee pershians and zee romans and ze Egypt peeples
Moran: health care?
Schwarzenegger: ve must talk about fat kids
Moran: anything else?
Schwarzenegger: Dort reform!
Rendell: Republicans should have ideas
that don’t suck
Schwarzenegger: oh noes zats not gud
*****************
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Meet The Press with Joe Biden - February 14, 2010
Guest:
Vice President Joe Biden
Rachel Maddow
Harold Ford
David Brooks
Rep Aaron Schock (R-Illinois)
February 14, 2010
************
Gregory: Hey Joe - how are the Olympic
games going?
Biden: except for that one guy dying they’re awesome!!
Gregory: you want to give Khalid Sheik Mohammed a fair trial but where?
Biden: somewhere safe and appropriate like New York City, Governor’s Island, White Plains
or Alabama
Gregory: haven’t you already decided not to release Khalid Sheik Mohammed??
Biden: Calm down Fluffy
Gregory: [ grinning ] but by being sure of a conviction aren’t you prejudging the case?
Biden: god you are an idiot
Gregory: [ grinning ] but where is the justice??
Biden: jesus you’re stupid
Gregory: let me repeat a bunch of nonsense
from Dick Cheney
Biden: Fuck Dick Cheney
Gregory: but he says you are weak on terror
Biden: Dick Cheney is entitled to shoot a man in the face but he is not entitled to make bullshit up and have it spewed on ‘Meet The Press’
Gregory: yes he is
Biden: well he’s fucking crazy
Gregory: why do you think he’s lying?
Biden: maybe he’s an idiot too
Gregory: but you would never be outspoken
like that?
Biden: you fucking troglodyte - it’s not about being outspoken it’s about fucking lying
Gregory: unemployment has risen by 2 points
since you took office
Biden: hey stupid - we prevented a Depression and are slowly turning this economy around
Gregory: but in my opinion you have failed by not ending all unemployment
Biden: we’re actually accomplishing something you fatuous grinning fool
Gregory: but you have to concede that you are a bad Vice President
Biden: Hey Bubblehead why don’t you shut the fuck up and learn some facts?
Gregory: wasn’t pursuing health care reform a huge mistake?
Biden: sure it was - it’s necessary for the future of America but the people hate shit like that - they only like promise of candy and Disney rides
Gregory: Iran has a nuclear bomb when are we going to war??!?
Biden: Jesus Calm the Fuck down Fluffers - we have Iran isolated and boasting about sending worms in space
Gregory: Worms in Space - OH NO?!!?!!?!!
Biden: [ rolls eyes ]
Gregory: How is Iraq a victory for Obama?
Biden: by getting the hell out of that mess
Gregory: Was invading Iraq worth it?
Biden: Hell no dumbass
Gregory: What’s going on in Afghanistan?
Biden: we’re adding more seasoned, tough
and tender elements
Gregory: Pashtun warriors?
Biden: no I’m talking about Afghan barbecue
[ break ]
Gregory: [ grinning ] Obama is soft is terrorism!
Brooks: that’s totally bogus
Gregory: oh poo
Brooks: but you either follow the Constitution or
you get good intelligence
Maddow: what a fucking liar you are David Brooks
Ford: Obama is tough - he bombed a wedding reception Afghanistan!
Brooks: that was justified - it was an all-ABBA theme
Rep. Schock: why would we put criminals on trial when you could put them in a gulag!?!
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
if you’re not going to let go why even put them
on trial?!?!
Maddow: good luck with that lynch mob Greggers
Gregory: but but but -
Maddow: a terrorist is not a warrior - that gives them too much stature
Brooks: by predicting a conviction Joe Biden is betraying our values
Gregory: by saying KSM would face the death penalty there can be no justice!
Schock: I represent white mainstream values and the
beige heartland of America!
Ford: we should put KSM in a torture chamber so we can save money and pay down the debt
Maddow: [ jaw drops ]
Schock: that makes sense
Maddow: What is wrong with reading someone their Miranda rights?
Schock: People with Miranda rights don’t talk
Maddow: that’s not true
Ford: Rachel is right
Gregory: harry reid has boldly submitted a $15 billion jobs bill
Brooks: partisanship, pork and pointlessness all
in one
Schock: the stimulus bill didn’t create long-term growth
Maddow: it was only enacted this year buddy
Schock: we need to create certainty by cutting more and more taxes
Maddow: the GOP trashed the stimulus bill and then Congressmen take credit for all the spending
in their districts
Schock: we had to take the money the Democrats forced us!
Ford: the GOP are the debtors
Maddow: the real issue is hypocrisy
Brooks: Obama is a hypocrite for inviting GOP members to a health care bill even if he won’t
put all GOP ideas in the bill
Gregory: does the GOP have any ideas at all?
Rep: sure our idea is to start from scratch and
then do nothing at all
Maddow: oh for god’s sake the entire summer was wasted putting Republican ideas in the bill!
Brooks: national transformation is hard - we can’t have health care reform because of the Vietnam war
Gregory: Harold will you run against Kristen Gillibrand
Ford: I’ve been humbled by what people have been saying about you
Maddow: dude you should be
Gregory: are you a real New Yorker?
Ford: indeed someday I may even pay taxes here
Gregory: how nice
Ford: people want to cut the debt and we need to remember that as Republicans
Gregory: I thought you were a Democrat
Ford: the point is I will run as a champion of Wall Street bonuses
Gregory: are you pro-choice?
Ford: If you can’t see ‘Twilight’ without parental notification why can you have an abortion
Gregory: well I wouldn’t do either one
Gregory: Rachel - Democrats can’t govern!
Maddow: no stupid - Republicans won’t let government work
Schock: Americans want lower taxes and deregulation
Gregory: didn’t we try that for 8 years?
Schock: we did? I was 6 years old when Bush
was elected
Brooks: we need a third party to raise taxes and cut medicare
Gregory: a modern-day Ross Perot
Brooks: he’s insane
Gregory: I liked Perot
Maddow: he meant you Fluffy
******************
Vice President Joe Biden
Rachel Maddow
Harold Ford
David Brooks
Rep Aaron Schock (R-Illinois)
February 14, 2010
************
Gregory: Hey Joe - how are the Olympic
games going?
Biden: except for that one guy dying they’re awesome!!
Gregory: you want to give Khalid Sheik Mohammed a fair trial but where?
Biden: somewhere safe and appropriate like New York City, Governor’s Island, White Plains
or Alabama
Gregory: haven’t you already decided not to release Khalid Sheik Mohammed??
Biden: Calm down Fluffy
Gregory: [ grinning ] but by being sure of a conviction aren’t you prejudging the case?
Biden: god you are an idiot
Gregory: [ grinning ] but where is the justice??
Biden: jesus you’re stupid
Gregory: let me repeat a bunch of nonsense
from Dick Cheney
Biden: Fuck Dick Cheney
Gregory: but he says you are weak on terror
Biden: Dick Cheney is entitled to shoot a man in the face but he is not entitled to make bullshit up and have it spewed on ‘Meet The Press’
Gregory: yes he is
Biden: well he’s fucking crazy
Gregory: why do you think he’s lying?
Biden: maybe he’s an idiot too
Gregory: but you would never be outspoken
like that?
Biden: you fucking troglodyte - it’s not about being outspoken it’s about fucking lying
Gregory: unemployment has risen by 2 points
since you took office
Biden: hey stupid - we prevented a Depression and are slowly turning this economy around
Gregory: but in my opinion you have failed by not ending all unemployment
Biden: we’re actually accomplishing something you fatuous grinning fool
Gregory: but you have to concede that you are a bad Vice President
Biden: Hey Bubblehead why don’t you shut the fuck up and learn some facts?
Gregory: wasn’t pursuing health care reform a huge mistake?
Biden: sure it was - it’s necessary for the future of America but the people hate shit like that - they only like promise of candy and Disney rides
Gregory: Iran has a nuclear bomb when are we going to war??!?
Biden: Jesus Calm the Fuck down Fluffers - we have Iran isolated and boasting about sending worms in space
Gregory: Worms in Space - OH NO?!!?!!?!!
Biden: [ rolls eyes ]
Gregory: How is Iraq a victory for Obama?
Biden: by getting the hell out of that mess
Gregory: Was invading Iraq worth it?
Biden: Hell no dumbass
Gregory: What’s going on in Afghanistan?
Biden: we’re adding more seasoned, tough
and tender elements
Gregory: Pashtun warriors?
Biden: no I’m talking about Afghan barbecue
[ break ]
Gregory: [ grinning ] Obama is soft is terrorism!
Brooks: that’s totally bogus
Gregory: oh poo
Brooks: but you either follow the Constitution or
you get good intelligence
Maddow: what a fucking liar you are David Brooks
Ford: Obama is tough - he bombed a wedding reception Afghanistan!
Brooks: that was justified - it was an all-ABBA theme
Rep. Schock: why would we put criminals on trial when you could put them in a gulag!?!
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
if you’re not going to let go why even put them
on trial?!?!
Maddow: good luck with that lynch mob Greggers
Gregory: but but but -
Maddow: a terrorist is not a warrior - that gives them too much stature
Brooks: by predicting a conviction Joe Biden is betraying our values
Gregory: by saying KSM would face the death penalty there can be no justice!
Schock: I represent white mainstream values and the
beige heartland of America!
Ford: we should put KSM in a torture chamber so we can save money and pay down the debt
Maddow: [ jaw drops ]
Schock: that makes sense
Maddow: What is wrong with reading someone their Miranda rights?
Schock: People with Miranda rights don’t talk
Maddow: that’s not true
Ford: Rachel is right
Gregory: harry reid has boldly submitted a $15 billion jobs bill
Brooks: partisanship, pork and pointlessness all
in one
Schock: the stimulus bill didn’t create long-term growth
Maddow: it was only enacted this year buddy
Schock: we need to create certainty by cutting more and more taxes
Maddow: the GOP trashed the stimulus bill and then Congressmen take credit for all the spending
in their districts
Schock: we had to take the money the Democrats forced us!
Ford: the GOP are the debtors
Maddow: the real issue is hypocrisy
Brooks: Obama is a hypocrite for inviting GOP members to a health care bill even if he won’t
put all GOP ideas in the bill
Gregory: does the GOP have any ideas at all?
Rep: sure our idea is to start from scratch and
then do nothing at all
Maddow: oh for god’s sake the entire summer was wasted putting Republican ideas in the bill!
Brooks: national transformation is hard - we can’t have health care reform because of the Vietnam war
Gregory: Harold will you run against Kristen Gillibrand
Ford: I’ve been humbled by what people have been saying about you
Maddow: dude you should be
Gregory: are you a real New Yorker?
Ford: indeed someday I may even pay taxes here
Gregory: how nice
Ford: people want to cut the debt and we need to remember that as Republicans
Gregory: I thought you were a Democrat
Ford: the point is I will run as a champion of Wall Street bonuses
Gregory: are you pro-choice?
Ford: If you can’t see ‘Twilight’ without parental notification why can you have an abortion
Gregory: well I wouldn’t do either one
Gregory: Rachel - Democrats can’t govern!
Maddow: no stupid - Republicans won’t let government work
Schock: Americans want lower taxes and deregulation
Gregory: didn’t we try that for 8 years?
Schock: we did? I was 6 years old when Bush
was elected
Brooks: we need a third party to raise taxes and cut medicare
Gregory: a modern-day Ross Perot
Brooks: he’s insane
Gregory: I liked Perot
Maddow: he meant you Fluffy
******************
ABC’s This Week hosted by Jonathan Karl with Dick Cheney
ABC’s This Week
February 14, 2010
Host:
Jonathan Karl
Guest:
Dick Cheney
*****************
Karl: Dick you say Obama won’t recognize the warlike nature of our non-declared war on terror
Cheney: that’s right when terrorists use box cutters to blow up a building that’s an act of war
Karl: so why didn’t you ask for a declaration of
war in 2001?
Cheney: Fuck you
Karl: The President says he’s doing more to combat terrorism that you ever did
Cheney: yes they did fix our mistakes in Afghanistan although it took them too damm long
Karl: Biden says getting out of Iraq will be Obama’s great success
Cheney: I can’t believe they are trying to take
credit for our lying fake useless destructive war -
that is totally mine
Karl: oh really
Cheney: Biden should get down on his knees
and thank George Bush for attacking the wrong country after 9/11
Karl: so you admit it was a mistake?
Cheney: no Saddam fought the Iran-Iraq war and used chemical weapons in the 1980s
Karl: that was all with American support
Cheney: we got rid of one of the worst dictators
of the 20th century
Karl: we’ll talk about George Bush later
Cheney: Obama thinks Iraq is a triumph!
Karl: I think he means getting out of Iraq
Cheney: hey were going to leave just as soon as
we figured out it was all a huge mistake
Karl: how you would have handled the underoos bomber
Cheney: I would have crushed his testicles
Karl: anything else?
Cheney: it’s clear they were totally confused they didn’t know whether to crush his balls or pull
out his fingernails
Karl: decisions, decisions
Cheney: to be fair it’s hard - what with the Constitution and the laws and all that crazy nonsense
Karl: let’s get back to torture - what other creative techniques would you have used?
Cheney: I will leave that to the professionals -
I’m only an amateur sadist
Karl: well make a guess
Cheney: well there’s hot pokers, the iron maiden, Jamie Foxx on the Grammys - all I know is Obama
is a wimp for using the Army Field Manual
Karl: why didn’t you torture Richard Reid?
Cheney: Believe me I would have but I hadn’t talked Bush into it yet
Karl: doesn’t it give the terrorists too much stature
to call them soldiers?
Cheney: I’m not interested in debating our hypocrisy - I just want to say Obama has a weak mindset because he’s never shot a man in the face - do you really want a man like that protecting your family?
Karl: in 2005 the Bush administration was proud their prosecutions!
Cheney: Well I never agreed with that - all those fucking wimps - we had a shootout in the Bush White House over that!
Karl: you had a vigorous disagreement over whether to use enhanced interrogation in the Cabinet?
Cheney: no I mean an actual shootout you dipshit
Karl: so you were the chief advocate for useless cruelty?
Cheney: I’m President of the Waterboarding Fan Club - DC chapter
Karl: who else is in that?
Cheney: Me, Rumsfeld, John Yoo, Addington -
Fred Hiatt is the secretary
Karl: Bush released terrorists back to the
Middle East!
Cheney: only because the wimps and weak-kneed softies and liberals back in the Bush White House made us - you see it was the strawberries--
Karl: [ backs away slowly ]
you seem a little crazy Dick
Cheney: I could prove torturing innocent people worked with geometric logic if only I had the duplicate key
[ fondles metal balls ]
Karl: you didn’t do anything against Iran
Cheney: yeah that fucking baby Bush left Iran a
big threat for Obama to deal with dammit
Karl: was it a mistake not to bomb Iran?
Cheney: you’re goddamm fucking right it was a mistake - we took out Saddam but it wasn’t enough
Karl: Palin says Obama should declare war on Iran so he can look tough to raise his popularity
Cheney: she’s a fucking idiot
Karl: What about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell?
Cheney: it was essential in 2009 but now it’s
a bad idea
Karl: you have a reunion coming up - “Utter Failures” Class of 2008
Cheney: I’m looking forward to seeing the old gang of incompetents, liars, cheats, and sociopaths
Karl: you’re writing a book - what’s it’s called?
Cheney: I can’t tell you but I’ll give you a hint
- it’s
written in blood
February 14, 2010
Host:
Jonathan Karl
Guest:
Dick Cheney
*****************
Karl: Dick you say Obama won’t recognize the warlike nature of our non-declared war on terror
Cheney: that’s right when terrorists use box cutters to blow up a building that’s an act of war
Karl: so why didn’t you ask for a declaration of
war in 2001?
Cheney: Fuck you
Karl: The President says he’s doing more to combat terrorism that you ever did
Cheney: yes they did fix our mistakes in Afghanistan although it took them too damm long
Karl: Biden says getting out of Iraq will be Obama’s great success
Cheney: I can’t believe they are trying to take
credit for our lying fake useless destructive war -
that is totally mine
Karl: oh really
Cheney: Biden should get down on his knees
and thank George Bush for attacking the wrong country after 9/11
Karl: so you admit it was a mistake?
Cheney: no Saddam fought the Iran-Iraq war and used chemical weapons in the 1980s
Karl: that was all with American support
Cheney: we got rid of one of the worst dictators
of the 20th century
Karl: we’ll talk about George Bush later
Cheney: Obama thinks Iraq is a triumph!
Karl: I think he means getting out of Iraq
Cheney: hey were going to leave just as soon as
we figured out it was all a huge mistake
Karl: how you would have handled the underoos bomber
Cheney: I would have crushed his testicles
Karl: anything else?
Cheney: it’s clear they were totally confused they didn’t know whether to crush his balls or pull
out his fingernails
Karl: decisions, decisions
Cheney: to be fair it’s hard - what with the Constitution and the laws and all that crazy nonsense
Karl: let’s get back to torture - what other creative techniques would you have used?
Cheney: I will leave that to the professionals -
I’m only an amateur sadist
Karl: well make a guess
Cheney: well there’s hot pokers, the iron maiden, Jamie Foxx on the Grammys - all I know is Obama
is a wimp for using the Army Field Manual
Karl: why didn’t you torture Richard Reid?
Cheney: Believe me I would have but I hadn’t talked Bush into it yet
Karl: doesn’t it give the terrorists too much stature
to call them soldiers?
Cheney: I’m not interested in debating our hypocrisy - I just want to say Obama has a weak mindset because he’s never shot a man in the face - do you really want a man like that protecting your family?
Karl: in 2005 the Bush administration was proud their prosecutions!
Cheney: Well I never agreed with that - all those fucking wimps - we had a shootout in the Bush White House over that!
Karl: you had a vigorous disagreement over whether to use enhanced interrogation in the Cabinet?
Cheney: no I mean an actual shootout you dipshit
Karl: so you were the chief advocate for useless cruelty?
Cheney: I’m President of the Waterboarding Fan Club - DC chapter
Karl: who else is in that?
Cheney: Me, Rumsfeld, John Yoo, Addington -
Fred Hiatt is the secretary
Karl: Bush released terrorists back to the
Middle East!
Cheney: only because the wimps and weak-kneed softies and liberals back in the Bush White House made us - you see it was the strawberries--
Karl: [ backs away slowly ]
you seem a little crazy Dick
Cheney: I could prove torturing innocent people worked with geometric logic if only I had the duplicate key
[ fondles metal balls ]
Karl: you didn’t do anything against Iran
Cheney: yeah that fucking baby Bush left Iran a
big threat for Obama to deal with dammit
Karl: was it a mistake not to bomb Iran?
Cheney: you’re goddamm fucking right it was a mistake - we took out Saddam but it wasn’t enough
Karl: Palin says Obama should declare war on Iran so he can look tough to raise his popularity
Cheney: she’s a fucking idiot
Karl: What about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell?
Cheney: it was essential in 2009 but now it’s
a bad idea
Karl: you have a reunion coming up - “Utter Failures” Class of 2008
Cheney: I’m looking forward to seeing the old gang of incompetents, liars, cheats, and sociopaths
Karl: you’re writing a book - what’s it’s called?
Cheney: I can’t tell you but I’ll give you a hint
- it’s
written in blood
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Meet The Press - February 7, 2010
Guests:
John Brennan
Ed Gillespie
Dee Myers
**********************
Gregory: how does Obama define winning
the war against an abstract method of killing
Brennan: cracking foreign skulls
Gregory: OMG all those intelligence guys say
we’re going to be attacked!!!!
Brennan: al qaeda is currently recruiting more teenagers and exploring new methods of planting explosives in underpants
Gregory: they are so fiendishly cunning
Brennan: true but we working on developing new technologies on thwarting attacks with Fruit of the Loom, Hanes, Jockey and Victoria’s Secret
Gregory: will terrorists target the SuperBowl??
Brennan: now that Brett Favre is not in it what’s
the point?
Gregory: true
Brennan: we are working with panty sniffers
across the world
Gregory: will they target my shopping mall?
Brennan: if they are smart they will
Gregory: President Brown says we should torture the guy with the funny name
Brennan: I heard you were a moron Fluffy
Gregory: why was he treated as an American citizen
Brennan: he wasn’t you dancing fool
Gregory: but he’s so scary!
Brennan: we did what Bush did for every terrorist
Gregory: but Republicans are tough and you
are a non-torturing wimp
Brennan: you know I’m tired of ignorant liars like Brown
Gregory: that reminds me - by defending yourselves from Republicans lies you endangered national security!!
Brennan: [ palmface ]
jesus christ
Gregory: but you didn’t share information about
how you intended to torture this kid
Brennan: Calm down Fluffy
Gregory: did the GOP sign-off on the decision not squeeze his balls?
Brennan: who knows what the fuck GOP Congressmen think about anything - they’re all fucking liars and idiots
Gregory: so if he is talking what are you learning about al qaeda?
Brennan: it turns out al qaeda wants to launch attacks on the West
Gregory: oh my
Gregory: where will KSM be tried?
Brennan: I don’t know but we’re actually bring
him to justice unlike Bush
Gregory: will he be executed?
Brennan: I’m not going to let al qaeda or the GOP rob us of our shining system of justice!
Gregory: but Holder promised to succeed - that’s not justice
Brennan: you’re a true idiot
Gregory: is China going to take away my
Twitter feed?
Brennan: indeed we have information they may target Facebook
Gregory: oh my well good luck to you sir
[ break ]
Gregory: is the economy finally turning around?
Paulson: yes but only if the government doesn’t regulate Wall Street
Greenspan: what we need is to do is cut taxes
Gregory: that is so wise - why should a business start hiring with all these heavy taxes!?
Paulson: shockingly I agree - I also think we should cut taxes
Gregory: wow you must both be right
Paulson: just as soon as CEOs have more money they will hire people to polish their yachts
Gregory: when is the recession over?
Greenspan: the recession is over
Gregory: how can you tell?
Greenspan: Matlock said so!
Gregory: but the stock market is down since January and it’s February!
Greenspan: Wheel of Fortune!
Paulson: don’t worry Fluffy we’ll all get rich soon enough
Gregory: Hank please bash Barack Obama for me
Paulson: I won’t - thank god Obama and Tim continued Bush’s great policies
Gregory: so did you vote for Obama?
Paulson: I won’t answer that - but let’s just say I didn’t vote for the guy who watched Matlock
every night
Greenspan: Matlock!!!
Gregory: Dr. Greenspan tell me the truth - are
you actually a Ferengi?
Greenspan: I live by the Seven Rules of Acquisition!
Gregory: people are underwater in their mortgages
Paulson: yes people’s inability to pay is a problem
Gregory: no in New Orleans they are actually under water
Paulson: no one predicted that housing prices don’t always rise for no reason
Gregory: I see
Paulson: and when that isn’t true people stop giving a shit
Greenspan: the best approach is to trade home value for credits on Deep Space Nine
Gregory: OMG the deficit!!!!
Paulson: this is an incredibly serious issue I just realized when a Democrat became President
Clinton: oh no - just an agreement allowing the US temporary control of the area
Gregory: of course
Paulson: I have learned that it is very difficult to get Congress to cut Social Security and Medicare when people like it
Gregory: Alan how can we save America??
Greenspan: once we’ve hocked everything to the Chinese to fight all our wars we will have to sell them North Dakota
Gregory: OMG Obama is going to raise taxes on
the rich!!!
Paulson: sure it’s bad but what we really need to do is raise taxes on the poor
Greenspan: it is so sad that we have gotten to a point in this country where we cannot discuss eliminating the most successful social program in the history of this nation
Gregory: Hank are bonuses on Wall Street too high?
Paulson: sure I can see how people might think that but the real point is to put off any real reform while they pocket another trillion or so
Gregory: oh how droll you are sires
Paulson: you mean sirs
Gregory: um yeah
[ break ]
Gregory: OMG I just love Sarah Palin!!
Gilllespie: she rocks Fluffer
Gregory: does she rule the GOP?
Myers: she went out of her way to say crazy people hate the GOP as well as Democrats
Gillespie: they’re not Democrats or Republicans they’re anti-spending lunatics
Gregory: what is their plan for the debt besides waving pictures of Obama as witch doctor?
Myers: Bill Clinton created a surplus
Gillespie: no no no we had 9/11 and a recession and other fuck ups so the debt wasn’t Bush’s fault
Gregory: Ed please bash Bush then I will talk and Dee Dee will not get to speak at all
Gillespie: that sounds good to me
Myers: [ silence ]
Gregory: Bayh says why should anyone trust
the Democratic party??!!?
Myers: right it’s so sad the Dems can’t govern
Gregory: Ed is the Democratic majority in jeopardy??
Myers: I will take Bullshit Spin for $1,000 David
Gregory: but people hate the GOP as well
Gillespie: that’s true but we will lie our asses off in the meantime which often leads to GOP gains at election time
Gregory: good luck with that Ed
************************************
John Brennan
Ed Gillespie
Dee Myers
**********************
Gregory: how does Obama define winning
the war against an abstract method of killing
Brennan: cracking foreign skulls
Gregory: OMG all those intelligence guys say
we’re going to be attacked!!!!
Brennan: al qaeda is currently recruiting more teenagers and exploring new methods of planting explosives in underpants
Gregory: they are so fiendishly cunning
Brennan: true but we working on developing new technologies on thwarting attacks with Fruit of the Loom, Hanes, Jockey and Victoria’s Secret
Gregory: will terrorists target the SuperBowl??
Brennan: now that Brett Favre is not in it what’s
the point?
Gregory: true
Brennan: we are working with panty sniffers
across the world
Gregory: will they target my shopping mall?
Brennan: if they are smart they will
Gregory: President Brown says we should torture the guy with the funny name
Brennan: I heard you were a moron Fluffy
Gregory: why was he treated as an American citizen
Brennan: he wasn’t you dancing fool
Gregory: but he’s so scary!
Brennan: we did what Bush did for every terrorist
Gregory: but Republicans are tough and you
are a non-torturing wimp
Brennan: you know I’m tired of ignorant liars like Brown
Gregory: that reminds me - by defending yourselves from Republicans lies you endangered national security!!
Brennan: [ palmface ]
jesus christ
Gregory: but you didn’t share information about
how you intended to torture this kid
Brennan: Calm down Fluffy
Gregory: did the GOP sign-off on the decision not squeeze his balls?
Brennan: who knows what the fuck GOP Congressmen think about anything - they’re all fucking liars and idiots
Gregory: so if he is talking what are you learning about al qaeda?
Brennan: it turns out al qaeda wants to launch attacks on the West
Gregory: oh my
Gregory: where will KSM be tried?
Brennan: I don’t know but we’re actually bring
him to justice unlike Bush
Gregory: will he be executed?
Brennan: I’m not going to let al qaeda or the GOP rob us of our shining system of justice!
Gregory: but Holder promised to succeed - that’s not justice
Brennan: you’re a true idiot
Gregory: is China going to take away my
Twitter feed?
Brennan: indeed we have information they may target Facebook
Gregory: oh my well good luck to you sir
[ break ]
Gregory: is the economy finally turning around?
Paulson: yes but only if the government doesn’t regulate Wall Street
Greenspan: what we need is to do is cut taxes
Gregory: that is so wise - why should a business start hiring with all these heavy taxes!?
Paulson: shockingly I agree - I also think we should cut taxes
Gregory: wow you must both be right
Paulson: just as soon as CEOs have more money they will hire people to polish their yachts
Gregory: when is the recession over?
Greenspan: the recession is over
Gregory: how can you tell?
Greenspan: Matlock said so!
Gregory: but the stock market is down since January and it’s February!
Greenspan: Wheel of Fortune!
Paulson: don’t worry Fluffy we’ll all get rich soon enough
Gregory: Hank please bash Barack Obama for me
Paulson: I won’t - thank god Obama and Tim continued Bush’s great policies
Gregory: so did you vote for Obama?
Paulson: I won’t answer that - but let’s just say I didn’t vote for the guy who watched Matlock
every night
Greenspan: Matlock!!!
Gregory: Dr. Greenspan tell me the truth - are
you actually a Ferengi?
Greenspan: I live by the Seven Rules of Acquisition!
Gregory: people are underwater in their mortgages
Paulson: yes people’s inability to pay is a problem
Gregory: no in New Orleans they are actually under water
Paulson: no one predicted that housing prices don’t always rise for no reason
Gregory: I see
Paulson: and when that isn’t true people stop giving a shit
Greenspan: the best approach is to trade home value for credits on Deep Space Nine
Gregory: OMG the deficit!!!!
Paulson: this is an incredibly serious issue I just realized when a Democrat became President
Clinton: oh no - just an agreement allowing the US temporary control of the area
Gregory: of course
Paulson: I have learned that it is very difficult to get Congress to cut Social Security and Medicare when people like it
Gregory: Alan how can we save America??
Greenspan: once we’ve hocked everything to the Chinese to fight all our wars we will have to sell them North Dakota
Gregory: OMG Obama is going to raise taxes on
the rich!!!
Paulson: sure it’s bad but what we really need to do is raise taxes on the poor
Greenspan: it is so sad that we have gotten to a point in this country where we cannot discuss eliminating the most successful social program in the history of this nation
Gregory: Hank are bonuses on Wall Street too high?
Paulson: sure I can see how people might think that but the real point is to put off any real reform while they pocket another trillion or so
Gregory: oh how droll you are sires
Paulson: you mean sirs
Gregory: um yeah
[ break ]
Gregory: OMG I just love Sarah Palin!!
Gilllespie: she rocks Fluffer
Gregory: does she rule the GOP?
Myers: she went out of her way to say crazy people hate the GOP as well as Democrats
Gillespie: they’re not Democrats or Republicans they’re anti-spending lunatics
Gregory: what is their plan for the debt besides waving pictures of Obama as witch doctor?
Myers: Bill Clinton created a surplus
Gillespie: no no no we had 9/11 and a recession and other fuck ups so the debt wasn’t Bush’s fault
Gregory: Ed please bash Bush then I will talk and Dee Dee will not get to speak at all
Gillespie: that sounds good to me
Myers: [ silence ]
Gregory: Bayh says why should anyone trust
the Democratic party??!!?
Myers: right it’s so sad the Dems can’t govern
Gregory: Ed is the Democratic majority in jeopardy??
Myers: I will take Bullshit Spin for $1,000 David
Gregory: but people hate the GOP as well
Gillespie: that’s true but we will lie our asses off in the meantime which often leads to GOP gains at election time
Gregory: good luck with that Ed
************************************
This Week with Jake Tapper - February 7, 2010
February 7, 2010
Host:
Jake Tapper
Guests:
Tim Geithner - Sec. Of the Treasury
******************
Tapper: Good morning - unemployment is still really high and even more jobs were lost in the Bush recession than we thought - which is good news
for the Republicans
Geithner: hey when we got here we were losing 750,000 jobs and now we’re also losing jobs
but not as many
Tapper: are we going to double dip?
Geithner: no - that’s like putting your whole mouth
in the bowl!!
Tapper: are you doing enough?
Geithner: we’re doing enough - but Congress is not
Tapper: oh well that’s ok then
Tapper: President Brown says the stimulus
didn’t create any jobs
Geithner: hey I just read a cool article in Cosmo -
"10 Ways to Stimulate Your Man’s Economy"
Tapper: tell me about your failures
Geithner: we’ve made dramatic progress from a shitty economy to a sucky one
Tapper: but isn’t the real problem is that Americans don’t make anything useful and don’t have any money
Geithner: I have $10 in my pocket
Tapper: Mad Eye Moody says the debt is too high
Geithner: hey I’m a real financial wizard
Tapper: are triple AAA bonds the best investment
in America?
Geithner: I don’t trust the auto club
Tapper: you’re not serious about cutting the debt
are you?
Geither: for god’s sake Obama promised a fake spending freeze
Tapper: oh pshaw anyone can do that
Geithner: deficits matter and we have to raise
taxes and cut spending
Tapper: sure-fire election winner genius
Geithner: I iz smart
Tapper: You and I know we have to cut Medicare and Medicaid
Geithner: I am giving you a serious look
Tapper: I also giving you my serious look
Geithner: I also - look at my serious face
Tapper: speaking of right wing talking points -
will you promise to never raise taxes?
Geithner: I iz deeply serious
Tapper: People hate government - is this mostly your fault?
Geithner: no
Tapper: but you have so many fuck-ups
Geithner: but I have serious face
Tapper: that’s true but so do I
Tapper: Obama’s HAMP program sucks
Geithner: true but I supported it when I thought it was a universal HEMP program
Tapper: you toke dude?
Geithner: dude I get baked every night
Tapper: that explains a lot actually
Tapper: you don’t even want to regulate banks -
why not?
Geithner: dude I don’t intend on working in government forever
Tapper: and they won’t be able to compete with other global criminals!
Geithner: Jake you are wise
Tapper: you have suffered so much it’s like a banking ‘Hurt Locker’
Geithner: the economy came to a sudden stop -
it was like driving a Pinto made by Toyota
Tapper: but personally Timmy it must have driven you crazy
Geithner: indeed it I did Jakester
Tapper: Timmy - call me
***********************
Host:
Jake Tapper
Guests:
Tim Geithner - Sec. Of the Treasury
******************
Tapper: Good morning - unemployment is still really high and even more jobs were lost in the Bush recession than we thought - which is good news
for the Republicans
Geithner: hey when we got here we were losing 750,000 jobs and now we’re also losing jobs
but not as many
Tapper: are we going to double dip?
Geithner: no - that’s like putting your whole mouth
in the bowl!!
Tapper: are you doing enough?
Geithner: we’re doing enough - but Congress is not
Tapper: oh well that’s ok then
Tapper: President Brown says the stimulus
didn’t create any jobs
Geithner: hey I just read a cool article in Cosmo -
"10 Ways to Stimulate Your Man’s Economy"
Tapper: tell me about your failures
Geithner: we’ve made dramatic progress from a shitty economy to a sucky one
Tapper: but isn’t the real problem is that Americans don’t make anything useful and don’t have any money
Geithner: I have $10 in my pocket
Tapper: Mad Eye Moody says the debt is too high
Geithner: hey I’m a real financial wizard
Tapper: are triple AAA bonds the best investment
in America?
Geithner: I don’t trust the auto club
Tapper: you’re not serious about cutting the debt
are you?
Geither: for god’s sake Obama promised a fake spending freeze
Tapper: oh pshaw anyone can do that
Geithner: deficits matter and we have to raise
taxes and cut spending
Tapper: sure-fire election winner genius
Geithner: I iz smart
Tapper: You and I know we have to cut Medicare and Medicaid
Geithner: I am giving you a serious look
Tapper: I also giving you my serious look
Geithner: I also - look at my serious face
Tapper: speaking of right wing talking points -
will you promise to never raise taxes?
Geithner: I iz deeply serious
Tapper: People hate government - is this mostly your fault?
Geithner: no
Tapper: but you have so many fuck-ups
Geithner: but I have serious face
Tapper: that’s true but so do I
Tapper: Obama’s HAMP program sucks
Geithner: true but I supported it when I thought it was a universal HEMP program
Tapper: you toke dude?
Geithner: dude I get baked every night
Tapper: that explains a lot actually
Tapper: you don’t even want to regulate banks -
why not?
Geithner: dude I don’t intend on working in government forever
Tapper: and they won’t be able to compete with other global criminals!
Geithner: Jake you are wise
Tapper: you have suffered so much it’s like a banking ‘Hurt Locker’
Geithner: the economy came to a sudden stop -
it was like driving a Pinto made by Toyota
Tapper: but personally Timmy it must have driven you crazy
Geithner: indeed it I did Jakester
Tapper: Timmy - call me
***********************
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Meet The Press - January 31, 2010
Guests:
David Axelrod - White House Advisor
Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio)
*************************
Gregory: will Khalid Sheik Mohammed be tried
in downtown New York?
Axelrod: well why not - that’s where the crime
took place
Gregory: what about his fashion crime?
Axelrod: he may be tried in Bryant Park
Gregory: what does Obama think?
Axelrod: he thinks that t-shirt is a huge faux pas
Gregory: no I mean about putting him on trial
Axelrod: Bush put terrorists on trial all the time
and the GOP thought it was a great idea
Gregory: so New York City or not?
Axelrod: not a chance
Gregory: how could you not torture the Christmas Day bomber - are you crazy?
Axelrod: the President took an oath to uphold the laws of the United States Fluffyhaid
Gregory: but Bush repealed the Constitution in 2003
Axelrod: Obama is thinking of putting it back in place
Gregory: wow
Gregory: Obama finally told the Republicans to
fuck off this week - does this mean he will finally admit they are right about everything?
Axelrod: no stupid
Gregory: but doesn’t he have to move to the middle to get anything done?
Axelrod: I heard you were a moron Fluffy
Gregory: you won’t do anything the GOP wants
Axelrod: we accelerated the GOP tax cuts!
Gregory: will Obama skull-fuck the GOP if they continue to block good laws?
Axelrod: they won’t even vote for a commission to cut the debt - the American people hate that shit
Gregory: do they want the economy to fail so
Obama will fail?
Axelrod: of course they do
Gregory: is health care reform dead or not?
Axelrod: no the American people are suffering -
so we must do it
Gregory: Mary Landrieu said it’s dying
Axelrod: Mary - call me!
Gregory: so reform yes or no
Axelrod: dunno
Gregory: Is Obama going to cut taxes on overpaid
tv anchors?
Axelrod: no
Gregory: you hate America!
Axelrod: hey he’s proposed 400 tax cuts!
Gregory: Justice Alito mothed “bullshit” during Obama’s speech - was Obama wrong to discuss public policy during his speech to Congress?
Axelrod: Jesus Christ you’re stupid
Gregory: but the poor little court!
Axelrod: Should Hugo Chavez be able to influence American elections???
Gregory: but is a speech to the nation an appropriate place to discuss the law?
Axelrod: you really are a fucking moron
Gregory: are we better off than we were
last January?
Axelrod: you bet we are Greggers
[ break ]
Gregory: Boner you say no to everything
Boehner: yes but Obama has not ended the Bush recession and that’s not acceptable to the GOP
Gregory: Obama reached out to you by pointing
out your lies
Boehner: it was great evening - Obama gave me
tips on his great tan
Gregory: Obama said we should stop demonize
each other
Boehner: he’s a well-spoken Guinean Witch Doctor
Gregory: the debt isn’t even his fault!
Boehner: yes but it could be
Gregory: huh
Boehner: he’s a crazy leftist terrorist
Gregory: oh ok
Boehner: the people are saying ‘Stop! We don’t Washington to end the recession!’
Gregory: are you prepared to say yes to anything
at all?
Boehner: the government is going to take over health care!
Gregory: so nothing at all??
Boehner: more war, torture, and tort reform
Gregory: awesome
Boehner: what we won’t stand for is government providing health care
Gregory: if people buy health care across state lines then the federal government will regulate health care
Boehner: nonsense - the American people can regulate the whole industry by themselves
Gregory: that’s insane
Boehner: government is evil!
Gregory: you don’t support debt reform or
a spending freeze
Boehner: that’s ok but if you really want to save money cut the Pentagon
Gregory: really?
Boehner: sure - now that a liberal is President I
just realized spending is bad
Gregory: people hate the Republican party
Boehner: look we’ve learned our lesson - after
30 years we really are committed to fiscal conservatism - no really this time we mean it!
Gregory: who is the leader of the GOP?
Boehner: Ronald Reagan
Gregory: he’s dead
Boehner: but still a handsome man
Gregory: people hate you
Boehner: the Dems have a majority so they
can’t blame us for it
Gregory: but you filibuster everything
Boehner: don’t say that
Gregory: gays in the military?
Boehner: look I like gays too but why would we
want a strong military when we are in 2 wars and bad economy
Gregory: all brought to you by the GOP
Boehner: that darn Obama!
[ break ]
Gregory: ha Obama can’t walk on water!
Brooks: the GOP won’t raise taxes and the Dems won’t cut spending so we are well and truly fucked
Gregory: why can’t we all just get along
Zuckerman: I can’t believe Obama hasn’t solved the Bush recession!
Gregory: Obama claims he’s not a crazy leftist and yet you heard me demand he become a Republican
Robinson: hey Fluffy he’s already moved to the center enough!
Faber: the US economy just plain sucks
Zuckerman: he does too much and he needs a comprehensive program
Gregory: Mort tell us what Obama told you this week
Zuckerman: it was off the record but I’ll say this - Obama has a secret plan to end unemployment
Gregory: interesting
Zuckerman: Bush gave America the worst economy ever and only a government program can fix it
Gregory: no no no Gene what do you say
Robinson: sure we need a new stimulus
Brooks: it’s a mental recession because people don’t trust the media which is tragic
Gregory: people hate the government
Faber: well you know the stimulus hasn’t been spent yet - the real issue is American has been on a downward slide for 20 years
Zuckerman: don’t forget the states are cutting back all over the place
Gregory: Joe Klein said something interesting--
Robinson: stop right there
Gregory: people hate the government though so why do health care reform first?
Robinson: in Obama’s defense he had to strike
while the iron is hot
Brooks: he should have solved the recession first
Gregory: true but the GOP oppose everything
Robinson: only the bills that they co-sponsor
Gregory: can Republicans govern?
Brooks: no
Gregory: should we have a third party?
Robinson: [ laughs out loud ]
Gregory: but Newt says-
Zuckerman: the Democrats are responsible for a recession!
Gregory: is the President doomed in 2012 or will the economy ever come back?
Faber: banks need to lend but it was bad lending that go us into this in the first place
Gregory: is Obama soft on terror?? [ big grin ]
Zuckerman: ever since they let 9/11 happen the Democrats have been vulnerable on terrorism
Gregory: ha that’s all for today
***************
David Axelrod - White House Advisor
Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio)
*************************
Gregory: will Khalid Sheik Mohammed be tried
in downtown New York?
Axelrod: well why not - that’s where the crime
took place
Gregory: what about his fashion crime?
Axelrod: he may be tried in Bryant Park
Gregory: what does Obama think?
Axelrod: he thinks that t-shirt is a huge faux pas
Gregory: no I mean about putting him on trial
Axelrod: Bush put terrorists on trial all the time
and the GOP thought it was a great idea
Gregory: so New York City or not?
Axelrod: not a chance
Gregory: how could you not torture the Christmas Day bomber - are you crazy?
Axelrod: the President took an oath to uphold the laws of the United States Fluffyhaid
Gregory: but Bush repealed the Constitution in 2003
Axelrod: Obama is thinking of putting it back in place
Gregory: wow
Gregory: Obama finally told the Republicans to
fuck off this week - does this mean he will finally admit they are right about everything?
Axelrod: no stupid
Gregory: but doesn’t he have to move to the middle to get anything done?
Axelrod: I heard you were a moron Fluffy
Gregory: you won’t do anything the GOP wants
Axelrod: we accelerated the GOP tax cuts!
Gregory: will Obama skull-fuck the GOP if they continue to block good laws?
Axelrod: they won’t even vote for a commission to cut the debt - the American people hate that shit
Gregory: do they want the economy to fail so
Obama will fail?
Axelrod: of course they do
Gregory: is health care reform dead or not?
Axelrod: no the American people are suffering -
so we must do it
Gregory: Mary Landrieu said it’s dying
Axelrod: Mary - call me!
Gregory: so reform yes or no
Axelrod: dunno
Gregory: Is Obama going to cut taxes on overpaid
tv anchors?
Axelrod: no
Gregory: you hate America!
Axelrod: hey he’s proposed 400 tax cuts!
Gregory: Justice Alito mothed “bullshit” during Obama’s speech - was Obama wrong to discuss public policy during his speech to Congress?
Axelrod: Jesus Christ you’re stupid
Gregory: but the poor little court!
Axelrod: Should Hugo Chavez be able to influence American elections???
Gregory: but is a speech to the nation an appropriate place to discuss the law?
Axelrod: you really are a fucking moron
Gregory: are we better off than we were
last January?
Axelrod: you bet we are Greggers
[ break ]
Gregory: Boner you say no to everything
Boehner: yes but Obama has not ended the Bush recession and that’s not acceptable to the GOP
Gregory: Obama reached out to you by pointing
out your lies
Boehner: it was great evening - Obama gave me
tips on his great tan
Gregory: Obama said we should stop demonize
each other
Boehner: he’s a well-spoken Guinean Witch Doctor
Gregory: the debt isn’t even his fault!
Boehner: yes but it could be
Gregory: huh
Boehner: he’s a crazy leftist terrorist
Gregory: oh ok
Boehner: the people are saying ‘Stop! We don’t Washington to end the recession!’
Gregory: are you prepared to say yes to anything
at all?
Boehner: the government is going to take over health care!
Gregory: so nothing at all??
Boehner: more war, torture, and tort reform
Gregory: awesome
Boehner: what we won’t stand for is government providing health care
Gregory: if people buy health care across state lines then the federal government will regulate health care
Boehner: nonsense - the American people can regulate the whole industry by themselves
Gregory: that’s insane
Boehner: government is evil!
Gregory: you don’t support debt reform or
a spending freeze
Boehner: that’s ok but if you really want to save money cut the Pentagon
Gregory: really?
Boehner: sure - now that a liberal is President I
just realized spending is bad
Gregory: people hate the Republican party
Boehner: look we’ve learned our lesson - after
30 years we really are committed to fiscal conservatism - no really this time we mean it!
Gregory: who is the leader of the GOP?
Boehner: Ronald Reagan
Gregory: he’s dead
Boehner: but still a handsome man
Gregory: people hate you
Boehner: the Dems have a majority so they
can’t blame us for it
Gregory: but you filibuster everything
Boehner: don’t say that
Gregory: gays in the military?
Boehner: look I like gays too but why would we
want a strong military when we are in 2 wars and bad economy
Gregory: all brought to you by the GOP
Boehner: that darn Obama!
[ break ]
Gregory: ha Obama can’t walk on water!
Brooks: the GOP won’t raise taxes and the Dems won’t cut spending so we are well and truly fucked
Gregory: why can’t we all just get along
Zuckerman: I can’t believe Obama hasn’t solved the Bush recession!
Gregory: Obama claims he’s not a crazy leftist and yet you heard me demand he become a Republican
Robinson: hey Fluffy he’s already moved to the center enough!
Faber: the US economy just plain sucks
Zuckerman: he does too much and he needs a comprehensive program
Gregory: Mort tell us what Obama told you this week
Zuckerman: it was off the record but I’ll say this - Obama has a secret plan to end unemployment
Gregory: interesting
Zuckerman: Bush gave America the worst economy ever and only a government program can fix it
Gregory: no no no Gene what do you say
Robinson: sure we need a new stimulus
Brooks: it’s a mental recession because people don’t trust the media which is tragic
Gregory: people hate the government
Faber: well you know the stimulus hasn’t been spent yet - the real issue is American has been on a downward slide for 20 years
Zuckerman: don’t forget the states are cutting back all over the place
Gregory: Joe Klein said something interesting--
Robinson: stop right there
Gregory: people hate the government though so why do health care reform first?
Robinson: in Obama’s defense he had to strike
while the iron is hot
Brooks: he should have solved the recession first
Gregory: true but the GOP oppose everything
Robinson: only the bills that they co-sponsor
Gregory: can Republicans govern?
Brooks: no
Gregory: should we have a third party?
Robinson: [ laughs out loud ]
Gregory: but Newt says-
Zuckerman: the Democrats are responsible for a recession!
Gregory: is the President doomed in 2012 or will the economy ever come back?
Faber: banks need to lend but it was bad lending that go us into this in the first place
Gregory: is Obama soft on terror?? [ big grin ]
Zuckerman: ever since they let 9/11 happen the Democrats have been vulnerable on terrorism
Gregory: ha that’s all for today
***************
This Week with Barbara Walters - January 31, 2010
This Week
Host:
Barbara Walters
Guest:
Scott Brown (R-Senator Elect MA)
******************************
Walters: Scott so you were a child criminal, then a nude model, in the national guard and now you are superstar non-senator - what you most proud of?
Brown: I’m proud of being transparent - for instance we could have all meetings with the President on C-SPAN and be naked
Walters: now you can filibuster everything
Brown: yes I am a Republican so I favor massive debt and overspending
Walters: that’s all?
Brown: no also I love torture
Walters: will you be President in 2012
Brown: well that sure would be a sign of the
Mayan apocalypse
Walters: should Sarah Palin be President
Brown: she’s dumb enough
Walters: you disagree with the GOP on gay fetuses
Brown: sure but I’m against fake
partial birth abortions
Walters: what about gays
Brown: yes I hate big government liberals who want to shove the gays down our throat
Walters: what do you stand for?
Brown: I stand strongly in favor of saying
Curt Schilling is not a Yankee fan
Walters: Judge Barack Obama for me
Brown: I’m glad he wants to counter the threat
to Massachusetts from Iran and also of course
in favor of drilling offshore
Walters: what spending would you cut?
Brown: we should freeze all salaries for all overpaid federal employees
Walters: Obama said he would cut taxes but
that would raise the debt
Brown: yes I would vote for it because tax cuts
are free
Walters: why not give all Americans the right
you gave to Massachusettans?
Brown: fuck the rest of America
Walters: so you would scrap the whole plan
Brown: sure let’s go back to the drawing board
and dismantle the federal government
Walters: everyone hates Bernanke
Brown: not me
Walters: please bash Tim Geithner
Brown: who is that?
Walters: you are a Lt. Col. - do you know
Donald Penobscott?
Brown: yes we had an affair in the 70s
Walters: gays in the military?
Brown: I need to speak the Generals on the ground
Walters: but Generals are not on the ground
Brown: then I would speak with Pants on the Ground
Walters: if you were a tree what kind of tree
would you be?
Brown: I would be a tree with a lot of wood
Walters: did your election bring about a new era
of happiness and joy across America?
Brown: yes it did
Walters: you replaced a giant
Brown: Ted Kennedy was a great man
Walters: but he hated you
Brown: his wife was the first person I called to gloat
Walters: your parents were married 8 times
Brown: yes it was like a working class Liz and Dick
Walters: I’m going to make you cry
Brown: no you won’t Babs
Walters: do you think God put you in Cosmo and
the Senate
Brown: of course
Walters: you were such a hunk Scott
Brown: hey John Davidson did it too!
Walters: don’t diss the Hoff!
Brown: sorry
Walters: what if a woman posed nude
Brown: Barbara please don’t
Walters: are you daughters really available?
Brown: only one them is - call me!
Walters: Simon Cowell called your other daughter
a robot
Brown: he was right - the whole family are androids
Walters: you have special relationship with
your truck
Brown: I eat in it, live in it and sleep with it
Walters: oh my
Brown: thanks Barbara
Walters: no thank you hunky
******************
Host:
Barbara Walters
Guest:
Scott Brown (R-Senator Elect MA)
******************************
Walters: Scott so you were a child criminal, then a nude model, in the national guard and now you are superstar non-senator - what you most proud of?
Brown: I’m proud of being transparent - for instance we could have all meetings with the President on C-SPAN and be naked
Walters: now you can filibuster everything
Brown: yes I am a Republican so I favor massive debt and overspending
Walters: that’s all?
Brown: no also I love torture
Walters: will you be President in 2012
Brown: well that sure would be a sign of the
Mayan apocalypse
Walters: should Sarah Palin be President
Brown: she’s dumb enough
Walters: you disagree with the GOP on gay fetuses
Brown: sure but I’m against fake
partial birth abortions
Walters: what about gays
Brown: yes I hate big government liberals who want to shove the gays down our throat
Walters: what do you stand for?
Brown: I stand strongly in favor of saying
Curt Schilling is not a Yankee fan
Walters: Judge Barack Obama for me
Brown: I’m glad he wants to counter the threat
to Massachusetts from Iran and also of course
in favor of drilling offshore
Walters: what spending would you cut?
Brown: we should freeze all salaries for all overpaid federal employees
Walters: Obama said he would cut taxes but
that would raise the debt
Brown: yes I would vote for it because tax cuts
are free
Walters: why not give all Americans the right
you gave to Massachusettans?
Brown: fuck the rest of America
Walters: so you would scrap the whole plan
Brown: sure let’s go back to the drawing board
and dismantle the federal government
Walters: everyone hates Bernanke
Brown: not me
Walters: please bash Tim Geithner
Brown: who is that?
Walters: you are a Lt. Col. - do you know
Donald Penobscott?
Brown: yes we had an affair in the 70s
Walters: gays in the military?
Brown: I need to speak the Generals on the ground
Walters: but Generals are not on the ground
Brown: then I would speak with Pants on the Ground
Walters: if you were a tree what kind of tree
would you be?
Brown: I would be a tree with a lot of wood
Walters: did your election bring about a new era
of happiness and joy across America?
Brown: yes it did
Walters: you replaced a giant
Brown: Ted Kennedy was a great man
Walters: but he hated you
Brown: his wife was the first person I called to gloat
Walters: your parents were married 8 times
Brown: yes it was like a working class Liz and Dick
Walters: I’m going to make you cry
Brown: no you won’t Babs
Walters: do you think God put you in Cosmo and
the Senate
Brown: of course
Walters: you were such a hunk Scott
Brown: hey John Davidson did it too!
Walters: don’t diss the Hoff!
Brown: sorry
Walters: what if a woman posed nude
Brown: Barbara please don’t
Walters: are you daughters really available?
Brown: only one them is - call me!
Walters: Simon Cowell called your other daughter
a robot
Brown: he was right - the whole family are androids
Walters: you have special relationship with
your truck
Brown: I eat in it, live in it and sleep with it
Walters: oh my
Brown: thanks Barbara
Walters: no thank you hunky
******************
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
State of the Union Address - President Barack Obama
State of the Union Address
President Barack Obama
January 27, 2010
******************
Madam Speaker… I give you… the POTUS!!!
[ yay ]
Obama walks in, wearing a Nobel prize and
carrying an iPad
Pelosi: and heeeeeere’s Baraaaaaaaaaack!
Obama: thank you very much
Greetings, Madam Speaker, Joe, Senators, House members, all Congresspersons - you goddamm worthless motherfuckers!
All right anyone who is not a useless piece of shit can stay - everyone else leave the room
[ Biden stands up ]
Joe you can stay too
[ Biden sits down ]
[ everyone else gets up to leave ]
All right all right you useless shitheads sit
your asses back down
[ everyone sits down ]
And let me give a shout-out to our esteemed Supreme Court justices!
Oh did I say esteemed - I meant to say soulless hypocritical corporate whores
[ Scalia and Alito stand up, wave to Congress ]
Hey Jersey Shore - sit the fuck down
yes that's right I'm wearing my motherfucking Nobel prize - check it out assholes!
[ waves Nobel prize ]
yeah I'm done with teleprompters - I'm all about my iPad now dudes!
Obama: Bull Run, Bloody Sunday, the Depression, Pearl Harbor, the day they canceled Star Trek - America has been tested many times before
Now you all know I inherited 2 wars and a motherfucking Depression
So of course we bailed out the people who created the problem
Inexplicably, things are now even suckier than they were before!
I’ve have traveled across this nation and read
your letters and holy fuck is this country in some deep shit
Most moving are the letters written in crayon - so I would like ask Michele Bachmann to please stop
Obama: Americans are tired of pettiness
Joe Wilson: No!
Obama: sit the fuck down you ignorant cracker
Obama: Americans really want one thing - to avoid sliding into poverty and having to move into a black neighborhood
But the White House is a black neighborhood now fuckers so that’s why I have never been more hopeful for America!
[ yay ]
Obama: Now let’s talk about the motherfucking bailout!
I hated it - but goddammit let’s not forget Stupid created a crisis I had to deal with and we’ve gotten most of the money back!
[ yay! ]
Obama: so I propose a fee on the banks - they can fucking afford it, those slimy motherfuckers!!!!
[ yaaaaay ]
We cut taxes for 8 million people - do you hear me fucking teabaggers!?!?!?
We didn’t raise income taxes on anyone not anybody - can you grasp that you fucking lunatics???
[ yaaay ]
And we saved 2 million jobs thanks to my stimulus bill - that’s right shitkickers!!!
And so you can see I have single-handedly turned this economy around!!
However because I heard there may still be a
few unemployed people out there, and with the whole Scott Brown fiasco, I am calling for a brand new jobs bill
[ woo-hoo ]
Banks on Wall Street are now lending again, but mostly to other criminals - so I propose taking this
30 billion I found in the White House couches and
give to tiny little community banks like
the Building & Loan
[ yaaaay ]
You get a tax cut! You get a tax cut! Everybody gets a tax cut!!!
[ yaaaay ]
And we should have better trains than those damm Japanese!
[ muted clapping ]
and fewer tax breaks - but still some - for businesses located in the Cayman fucking islands!!!
[ yaaaay ]
So send me a jobs bill or I will come back here and crack some skulls!!
Having said that - we need to rules to prevent another lost decade which is why I am proposing a Constitutional Amendment saying no member of the Bush family can ever be President again!!!
[ yaaaaay!!]
Now the GOP says we have to wait to fix the economy but that would put us behind India and I am not going to stand here an listen to them bad-mouth the United States of Fucking America!!!
[ yaaaay ]
Which is why we need to skull-fuck the banks that caused the goddamm problem!!!
Now I will wave my finger and look tough - do I look tough - no seriously do I??
We need to solve our energy problem which means building new nuclear power plants, drilling offshore, clean coal, biofuels, and harnessing the power of Brett Favre!!
[ yaaay!!!]
Now I know there are really stupid fuckers who don’t believe in global warming and to them I grow a goddamm fucking brain and pull your heads out of your asses!!!
We need to export more products which is why I have hired a Chinese company to tell me how we can make shit people want!!
[ yaaay ]
Also we need to expand our empire and seek new markets, in Asia, Africa, and the Spice federation on Tatooine!!
[ yaay ]
The best anti-poverty program around is to be born into a rich connected family and rig the system in your favor!!
But since that is not realistic for people outside this room, I also propose better community colleges!
[ yay ]
and $10,000 in college grants and no more student debt after 20 years!!
students: oh woo
oh and we still need health insurance reform
[ yaaaaaaaay ]
I did not choose to take on health care reform to get a legislative victory or to be more popular.... OBVIOUSLY!
Ha anyway let me describe my plan in a simple 7 paragraph - oh hi there’s my pretty wife
[ yayayay]
where was I - oh right the CBO says my bill would reduce the deficit by 2 trillion dollars!!
GOP: deficits don’t matter
Obama: so I completely fucked up underestimating how selfish most Americans are - my bad, America!
But I will not walk away from insuranceless Americans and neither should you
So please Republicans take a breath and vote
for my plan
Or just send me your plan and I will sign that instead
So Congress just pass something so we can all move on all righty
[ yay ]
Now let me explain something to the extremely
dense out there
Clinton gave Bush a FUCKING SURPLUS and I inherited a FUCKING DEFICIT
I wonder if Fox news will report on that???
Oh did I mention I am trying to prevent a motherfucking DEPRESSION???
So tonight, as usual, Democrats will have to be the grown-ups and freeze spending long enough to get voted out of office, where Republicans will blow the budget all over again!!!
[ YAAAAY!!!]
So I will freeze spending except for Defense, Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security education and farming - that only leaves $20 billion spent on turning John Boehner orange all winter!
[ yay ]
Since you fuckers can’t even create a commission I will do it by executive order - yo Judd Gregg!!
[ yaaaay ]
Now Paul Krugman is probably freaking out - but this freeze won’t start until next year when the recession is over
[ boooo ]
hey zip it morons
Now we could of course just cut taxes and borrow the money and party all the time - but every time Republicans do that it wrecks the economy!
So let’s try so common sense fuckers!! Yeah a novel concept motherfuckers!!
The rumors are true, America - Washington doesn’t work - it’s bought and paid for by corporations - yeah I’m looking you - you fucking Supreme Court whores!!!
I’m not naïve - I’m know you are all untrustworthy snakes - that’s the very essence of our democracy
But Jesus Fucking Christ on a cracker you can’t filibuster every fucking procedure in fucking government!!!
I mean criminy people are showing up to my town meetings with fucking guns - so chill the fuck out Republicans
And Democrats - stop being such fucking pussies for god’s sake!!
And Republicans - if it really takes 60 votes to get anything done well then guess what - then you are responsible for not getting anything done!!
And while I am on the subject - GOP just shut the fuck up about national security and if you want a reminded go look at the hole in ground you created in New York City!!!
Yeah I’m killing people all over the world - don’t fuck with me people!
I am ending the Iraq war cause I am fucking
sick of it
Now let’s really support our troops and not just say we do!
And just like Superman I am going to rid the world of all motherfucking nuclear weapons!!!
Watch out Iran - Barack Hussein Fucking Obama is coming for you!!!
We’re giving out food, curing disease, and
helping Haiti!
America is about all people being equal so sometime in 2010 I will work with Congress on repealing
Don’t Ask Don’t Tell!!!
[ yaaay ]
Americans are hopeful, they have just lost faith in government, religion, business, schools,
the media… oh wait they AREN’T FUCKING HOPEFUL AT ALL!!!
Now I know people aren’t all into Hope and Change anymore but I never claimed to be your Magic Negro so I come here tonight to tell you this -- grow the fuck up America!!!
Sure I fucked up this year - but I am not alone - many, many, many, Americans are also totally fucking up and are also in complete denial about it!!
So my fellow Americans I don’t quit - I may get fired
but I won’t quit!!
Goodnight fuckers!!!
****************************
President Barack Obama
January 27, 2010
******************
Madam Speaker… I give you… the POTUS!!!
[ yay ]
Obama walks in, wearing a Nobel prize and
carrying an iPad
Pelosi: and heeeeeere’s Baraaaaaaaaaack!
Obama: thank you very much
Greetings, Madam Speaker, Joe, Senators, House members, all Congresspersons - you goddamm worthless motherfuckers!
All right anyone who is not a useless piece of shit can stay - everyone else leave the room
[ Biden stands up ]
Joe you can stay too
[ Biden sits down ]
[ everyone else gets up to leave ]
All right all right you useless shitheads sit
your asses back down
[ everyone sits down ]
And let me give a shout-out to our esteemed Supreme Court justices!
Oh did I say esteemed - I meant to say soulless hypocritical corporate whores
[ Scalia and Alito stand up, wave to Congress ]
Hey Jersey Shore - sit the fuck down
yes that's right I'm wearing my motherfucking Nobel prize - check it out assholes!
[ waves Nobel prize ]
yeah I'm done with teleprompters - I'm all about my iPad now dudes!
Obama: Bull Run, Bloody Sunday, the Depression, Pearl Harbor, the day they canceled Star Trek - America has been tested many times before
Now you all know I inherited 2 wars and a motherfucking Depression
So of course we bailed out the people who created the problem
Inexplicably, things are now even suckier than they were before!
I’ve have traveled across this nation and read
your letters and holy fuck is this country in some deep shit
Most moving are the letters written in crayon - so I would like ask Michele Bachmann to please stop
Obama: Americans are tired of pettiness
Joe Wilson: No!
Obama: sit the fuck down you ignorant cracker
Obama: Americans really want one thing - to avoid sliding into poverty and having to move into a black neighborhood
But the White House is a black neighborhood now fuckers so that’s why I have never been more hopeful for America!
[ yay ]
Obama: Now let’s talk about the motherfucking bailout!
I hated it - but goddammit let’s not forget Stupid created a crisis I had to deal with and we’ve gotten most of the money back!
[ yay! ]
Obama: so I propose a fee on the banks - they can fucking afford it, those slimy motherfuckers!!!!
[ yaaaaay ]
We cut taxes for 8 million people - do you hear me fucking teabaggers!?!?!?
We didn’t raise income taxes on anyone not anybody - can you grasp that you fucking lunatics???
[ yaaay ]
And we saved 2 million jobs thanks to my stimulus bill - that’s right shitkickers!!!
And so you can see I have single-handedly turned this economy around!!
However because I heard there may still be a
few unemployed people out there, and with the whole Scott Brown fiasco, I am calling for a brand new jobs bill
[ woo-hoo ]
Banks on Wall Street are now lending again, but mostly to other criminals - so I propose taking this
30 billion I found in the White House couches and
give to tiny little community banks like
the Building & Loan
[ yaaaay ]
You get a tax cut! You get a tax cut! Everybody gets a tax cut!!!
[ yaaaay ]
And we should have better trains than those damm Japanese!
[ muted clapping ]
and fewer tax breaks - but still some - for businesses located in the Cayman fucking islands!!!
[ yaaaay ]
So send me a jobs bill or I will come back here and crack some skulls!!
Having said that - we need to rules to prevent another lost decade which is why I am proposing a Constitutional Amendment saying no member of the Bush family can ever be President again!!!
[ yaaaaay!!]
Now the GOP says we have to wait to fix the economy but that would put us behind India and I am not going to stand here an listen to them bad-mouth the United States of Fucking America!!!
[ yaaaay ]
Which is why we need to skull-fuck the banks that caused the goddamm problem!!!
Now I will wave my finger and look tough - do I look tough - no seriously do I??
We need to solve our energy problem which means building new nuclear power plants, drilling offshore, clean coal, biofuels, and harnessing the power of Brett Favre!!
[ yaaay!!!]
Now I know there are really stupid fuckers who don’t believe in global warming and to them I grow a goddamm fucking brain and pull your heads out of your asses!!!
We need to export more products which is why I have hired a Chinese company to tell me how we can make shit people want!!
[ yaaay ]
Also we need to expand our empire and seek new markets, in Asia, Africa, and the Spice federation on Tatooine!!
[ yaay ]
The best anti-poverty program around is to be born into a rich connected family and rig the system in your favor!!
But since that is not realistic for people outside this room, I also propose better community colleges!
[ yay ]
and $10,000 in college grants and no more student debt after 20 years!!
students: oh woo
oh and we still need health insurance reform
[ yaaaaaaaay ]
I did not choose to take on health care reform to get a legislative victory or to be more popular.... OBVIOUSLY!
Ha anyway let me describe my plan in a simple 7 paragraph - oh hi there’s my pretty wife
[ yayayay]
where was I - oh right the CBO says my bill would reduce the deficit by 2 trillion dollars!!
GOP: deficits don’t matter
Obama: so I completely fucked up underestimating how selfish most Americans are - my bad, America!
But I will not walk away from insuranceless Americans and neither should you
So please Republicans take a breath and vote
for my plan
Or just send me your plan and I will sign that instead
So Congress just pass something so we can all move on all righty
[ yay ]
Now let me explain something to the extremely
dense out there
Clinton gave Bush a FUCKING SURPLUS and I inherited a FUCKING DEFICIT
I wonder if Fox news will report on that???
Oh did I mention I am trying to prevent a motherfucking DEPRESSION???
So tonight, as usual, Democrats will have to be the grown-ups and freeze spending long enough to get voted out of office, where Republicans will blow the budget all over again!!!
[ YAAAAY!!!]
So I will freeze spending except for Defense, Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security education and farming - that only leaves $20 billion spent on turning John Boehner orange all winter!
[ yay ]
Since you fuckers can’t even create a commission I will do it by executive order - yo Judd Gregg!!
[ yaaaay ]
Now Paul Krugman is probably freaking out - but this freeze won’t start until next year when the recession is over
[ boooo ]
hey zip it morons
Now we could of course just cut taxes and borrow the money and party all the time - but every time Republicans do that it wrecks the economy!
So let’s try so common sense fuckers!! Yeah a novel concept motherfuckers!!
The rumors are true, America - Washington doesn’t work - it’s bought and paid for by corporations - yeah I’m looking you - you fucking Supreme Court whores!!!
I’m not naïve - I’m know you are all untrustworthy snakes - that’s the very essence of our democracy
But Jesus Fucking Christ on a cracker you can’t filibuster every fucking procedure in fucking government!!!
I mean criminy people are showing up to my town meetings with fucking guns - so chill the fuck out Republicans
And Democrats - stop being such fucking pussies for god’s sake!!
And Republicans - if it really takes 60 votes to get anything done well then guess what - then you are responsible for not getting anything done!!
And while I am on the subject - GOP just shut the fuck up about national security and if you want a reminded go look at the hole in ground you created in New York City!!!
Yeah I’m killing people all over the world - don’t fuck with me people!
I am ending the Iraq war cause I am fucking
sick of it
Now let’s really support our troops and not just say we do!
And just like Superman I am going to rid the world of all motherfucking nuclear weapons!!!
Watch out Iran - Barack Hussein Fucking Obama is coming for you!!!
We’re giving out food, curing disease, and
helping Haiti!
America is about all people being equal so sometime in 2010 I will work with Congress on repealing
Don’t Ask Don’t Tell!!!
[ yaaay ]
Americans are hopeful, they have just lost faith in government, religion, business, schools,
the media… oh wait they AREN’T FUCKING HOPEFUL AT ALL!!!
Now I know people aren’t all into Hope and Change anymore but I never claimed to be your Magic Negro so I come here tonight to tell you this -- grow the fuck up America!!!
Sure I fucked up this year - but I am not alone - many, many, many, Americans are also totally fucking up and are also in complete denial about it!!
So my fellow Americans I don’t quit - I may get fired
but I won’t quit!!
Goodnight fuckers!!!
****************************
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Meet the Press - January 24, 2010
January 24, 2010
Guests:
Valerie Jarrett - White House Advisor
Sen. Mitch McConnell - GOP Senate Leader
EJ Dionne
Peggy Noonan
Chuck Todd
Katty Kay
**********************
Gregory: Val is it true that Osama bin Laden appeared on ‘American Idol’ this week
Jarrett: he is responsible for many atrocities but we can’t verify if he wrote ‘Pants on the Ground’ or not
Gregory: what about Ben Bernanke
Jarrett: he’s failed utterly so he has our total support
Gregory: the voters of Massachusetts voted
a pickup truck into the US Senate - so will
Obama resign?
Jarrett: no Obama will fight like a crazy man
Gregory: what is his motto
Jarrett: ‘The Art of the Possible’
Gregory: that’s exciting - what else
Jarrett: ‘Fight For What You Can’
Gregory: will he finally cave in to Republicans?
Jarrett: now that’s not fair - he caved in
at the start of the process
Gregory: ok now what?
Jarrett: Obama looks to getting cooperation
with Scott Brown
Gregory: oh my god
Gregory: why push for health care reform
when no one wants it?
Jarrett: hey we prevented an economic catastrophe
Gregory: no you didn’t because there were still job losses in his first year
Jarrett: Bush didn’t create a single job in 8 years!
Gregory: yeah but he gave me a cool nickname
Jarrett: Obama told me you were a moron
Jarrett: the stimulus bill saved millions of jobs and reduced our dependence on foreign oil
Gregory: Obama seems to have found his populist voice
Jarrett: this is the New Old Obama - ‘Mad as Hell
and not Going to Take it Anymore!’
Gregory: Evan Bayh is a centrist
Jarrett: no, he’s a prick and right wing nut
Gregory: anyway he says we need to cut the debt since a black man is President
Jarrett: look Obama is the first to admit that’s tough and challenging and always reads letters people send reminding him that he’s black
Gregory: Is Obama panicking and bringing back Pluffy
Jarrett: oh no everything is hunky-dory with
Team Obama
Gregory: where is his political team
Jarrett: doing studies in the Antarctic
[ break ]
Gregory: Mitch what does the GOP want?
McConnell: the American people want us to
fix health care by ending medical lawsuits
Gregory: jesus that’s it?
McConnell: no also ban junk lawsuits
Gregory: you said that already
McConnell: also cut taxes
Gregory: what about expanding health
care coverage
McConnell: yes - we do that by cutting taxes
Gregory: how do you get young people to buy
health insurance
McConnell: cut income taxes
Gregory: is health care reform dead?
McConnell: Democrats are very arrogant - if they were in touch with American people they would win elections like we do
Gregory: you only have 41 senate seats
McConnell: the voices in my head say
‘Stop Health Care!’
Gregory: what about Ben Bernanke?
McConnell: he’s a handsome man
Gregory: what is the GOP economic plan
McConnell: cut taxes
Gregory: that’s it?
McConnell: right - in this recession small businesses are very worried about capital gains taxes
Gregory: are you serious
McConnell: Obama increased the debt which
kills jobs
Gregory: that explains why Republicans run
bad economies
McConnell: we need to cut spending
Gregory: in what?
McConnell: on black Presidents
Gregory: Jim DeMint is an obstructionist moron
McConnell: hey believe me I know
Gregory: what do you want?
McConnell: I hope Obama converts to Republicanism
Gregory: sounds like a dumb plan
McConnell: it’s all we’ve got
Gregory: you won in Massachusetts but people still
hate the GOP
McConnell: hey if the Dems are going to give elections away we’ll take it
Gregory: what’s your plan for elections
McConnell: act completely crazy
Gregory: what about the Supreme Court decision?
McConnell: finally corporations have been freed from the oppressive restrictions saying they can’t buy elections
Gregory: how will you reach out to the President?
McConnell: if he’s nice we will stop yelling epithets during his speech to Congress
Gregory: are you willing to compromise that much?
McConnell: heh not really
[ break ]
Gregory: OMG Obama outperformed Coakley
and Corzine!!
Noonan: the message is that America still doesn’t like recessions
Gregory: oh?
Noonan: also independents don’t like Obama now
Dionne: no this is just pure political incompetence
Gregory: good news then
Dionne: also they’ve lost active progressives
Gregory: that’s a relief for Democrats
Dionne: they look like Wall Street liberals
Gregory: they ARE Wall St. liberals
Dionne: yeah but you don’t want to look like that
Gregory: how do you avoid that image
Dionne: drive a pick up truck
Kay: there were valid reasons for health care and bailouts and other things but they never went out and explain it
Gregory: interesting
Kay: Obama was arrogant for using his alleged mandate to enact bold action
Gregory: such a contrast from Bush
Todd: what’s weird they are out there selling their plan a lot - and now they are dealing with anger from voters who hate things even if they don’t know why
Gregory: what does he now
Todd: run against Washington while running Washington
Gregory: the GOP does nothing but obstruct Obama
Noonan: no they proposed tort reform
Gregory: oh ok
Noonan: health care is the biggest issue
Gregory: the Republicans says it’s the economy
Noonan: never heard of them
Kay: dudes it’s only one election and Coakley
was an epic loser
Dionne: True but in 2009 the Constitution was amended to require 60 votes which is a problem for the Democrats
Todd: look they did things but unemployment is still high and that’s pretty much everything
Dionne: Obama needs to be like Reagan and speak in nonsensical parables
Gregory: he also needs have mindless optimism
Noonan: yes Reagan and Obama were both young Presidents
Gregory: um what?
Noonan: also Reagan had a clear plan - incite racial resentment, appear in front of a lot of flags and, build up the deficit and leave the problem for later
Gregory: people loved that
Kay: Obama is not clear and therefore he is
not competent
Gregory: I talked to the Dick Armey the head
Tea Party wacko and he says the Tea Party is
now the center
Todd: they’re a bunch of lunatics run by Fox News
Gregory: interesting
Todd: also the GOP politicians are all terrified of the Tea Partiers and so can’t horse trade with Obama
Gregory: Ed Rendell says Democrats should do things
Dionne: Democrats needs results more than Republicans because no one expects anything
from the GOP
Gregory: good point
Noonan: if we can take New Jersey and Massachusetts with Tea Party support we
can win anywhere
Gregory: thank you very much Peggy that says it all
****************************
Guests:
Valerie Jarrett - White House Advisor
Sen. Mitch McConnell - GOP Senate Leader
EJ Dionne
Peggy Noonan
Chuck Todd
Katty Kay
**********************
Gregory: Val is it true that Osama bin Laden appeared on ‘American Idol’ this week
Jarrett: he is responsible for many atrocities but we can’t verify if he wrote ‘Pants on the Ground’ or not
Gregory: what about Ben Bernanke
Jarrett: he’s failed utterly so he has our total support
Gregory: the voters of Massachusetts voted
a pickup truck into the US Senate - so will
Obama resign?
Jarrett: no Obama will fight like a crazy man
Gregory: what is his motto
Jarrett: ‘The Art of the Possible’
Gregory: that’s exciting - what else
Jarrett: ‘Fight For What You Can’
Gregory: will he finally cave in to Republicans?
Jarrett: now that’s not fair - he caved in
at the start of the process
Gregory: ok now what?
Jarrett: Obama looks to getting cooperation
with Scott Brown
Gregory: oh my god
Gregory: why push for health care reform
when no one wants it?
Jarrett: hey we prevented an economic catastrophe
Gregory: no you didn’t because there were still job losses in his first year
Jarrett: Bush didn’t create a single job in 8 years!
Gregory: yeah but he gave me a cool nickname
Jarrett: Obama told me you were a moron
Jarrett: the stimulus bill saved millions of jobs and reduced our dependence on foreign oil
Gregory: Obama seems to have found his populist voice
Jarrett: this is the New Old Obama - ‘Mad as Hell
and not Going to Take it Anymore!’
Gregory: Evan Bayh is a centrist
Jarrett: no, he’s a prick and right wing nut
Gregory: anyway he says we need to cut the debt since a black man is President
Jarrett: look Obama is the first to admit that’s tough and challenging and always reads letters people send reminding him that he’s black
Gregory: Is Obama panicking and bringing back Pluffy
Jarrett: oh no everything is hunky-dory with
Team Obama
Gregory: where is his political team
Jarrett: doing studies in the Antarctic
[ break ]
Gregory: Mitch what does the GOP want?
McConnell: the American people want us to
fix health care by ending medical lawsuits
Gregory: jesus that’s it?
McConnell: no also ban junk lawsuits
Gregory: you said that already
McConnell: also cut taxes
Gregory: what about expanding health
care coverage
McConnell: yes - we do that by cutting taxes
Gregory: how do you get young people to buy
health insurance
McConnell: cut income taxes
Gregory: is health care reform dead?
McConnell: Democrats are very arrogant - if they were in touch with American people they would win elections like we do
Gregory: you only have 41 senate seats
McConnell: the voices in my head say
‘Stop Health Care!’
Gregory: what about Ben Bernanke?
McConnell: he’s a handsome man
Gregory: what is the GOP economic plan
McConnell: cut taxes
Gregory: that’s it?
McConnell: right - in this recession small businesses are very worried about capital gains taxes
Gregory: are you serious
McConnell: Obama increased the debt which
kills jobs
Gregory: that explains why Republicans run
bad economies
McConnell: we need to cut spending
Gregory: in what?
McConnell: on black Presidents
Gregory: Jim DeMint is an obstructionist moron
McConnell: hey believe me I know
Gregory: what do you want?
McConnell: I hope Obama converts to Republicanism
Gregory: sounds like a dumb plan
McConnell: it’s all we’ve got
Gregory: you won in Massachusetts but people still
hate the GOP
McConnell: hey if the Dems are going to give elections away we’ll take it
Gregory: what’s your plan for elections
McConnell: act completely crazy
Gregory: what about the Supreme Court decision?
McConnell: finally corporations have been freed from the oppressive restrictions saying they can’t buy elections
Gregory: how will you reach out to the President?
McConnell: if he’s nice we will stop yelling epithets during his speech to Congress
Gregory: are you willing to compromise that much?
McConnell: heh not really
[ break ]
Gregory: OMG Obama outperformed Coakley
and Corzine!!
Noonan: the message is that America still doesn’t like recessions
Gregory: oh?
Noonan: also independents don’t like Obama now
Dionne: no this is just pure political incompetence
Gregory: good news then
Dionne: also they’ve lost active progressives
Gregory: that’s a relief for Democrats
Dionne: they look like Wall Street liberals
Gregory: they ARE Wall St. liberals
Dionne: yeah but you don’t want to look like that
Gregory: how do you avoid that image
Dionne: drive a pick up truck
Kay: there were valid reasons for health care and bailouts and other things but they never went out and explain it
Gregory: interesting
Kay: Obama was arrogant for using his alleged mandate to enact bold action
Gregory: such a contrast from Bush
Todd: what’s weird they are out there selling their plan a lot - and now they are dealing with anger from voters who hate things even if they don’t know why
Gregory: what does he now
Todd: run against Washington while running Washington
Gregory: the GOP does nothing but obstruct Obama
Noonan: no they proposed tort reform
Gregory: oh ok
Noonan: health care is the biggest issue
Gregory: the Republicans says it’s the economy
Noonan: never heard of them
Kay: dudes it’s only one election and Coakley
was an epic loser
Dionne: True but in 2009 the Constitution was amended to require 60 votes which is a problem for the Democrats
Todd: look they did things but unemployment is still high and that’s pretty much everything
Dionne: Obama needs to be like Reagan and speak in nonsensical parables
Gregory: he also needs have mindless optimism
Noonan: yes Reagan and Obama were both young Presidents
Gregory: um what?
Noonan: also Reagan had a clear plan - incite racial resentment, appear in front of a lot of flags and, build up the deficit and leave the problem for later
Gregory: people loved that
Kay: Obama is not clear and therefore he is
not competent
Gregory: I talked to the Dick Armey the head
Tea Party wacko and he says the Tea Party is
now the center
Todd: they’re a bunch of lunatics run by Fox News
Gregory: interesting
Todd: also the GOP politicians are all terrified of the Tea Partiers and so can’t horse trade with Obama
Gregory: Ed Rendell says Democrats should do things
Dionne: Democrats needs results more than Republicans because no one expects anything
from the GOP
Gregory: good point
Noonan: if we can take New Jersey and Massachusetts with Tea Party support we
can win anywhere
Gregory: thank you very much Peggy that says it all
****************************
This Week with Terry Moran - January 24, 2010
January 24, 2010
Host:
Terry Moran
Guests:
David Axelrod - White House Advisor
Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ)
Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC)
***********************
Moran: OMG the Democrats lost control of the Senate because they only have 59 seats out of 100!!
Axelrod: George Stephanpolous you look different
Moran: I’m Terry Moran
Axelrod: there’s no need to call me names
Moran: the media says that Obama can’t connect with ordinary white people
Axelrod: Terry did you know that Clinton left a surplus and Bush left a trillion dollar deficit and
a wrecked economy?
Moran: No!
Axelrod: it’s true
Moran: what have learned from your fucked-up
first year?
Axelrod: look no one wanted to make unpopular choices to fix George Bush’s mistakes
Moran: but you did it anyway
Axelrod: look we needed real health care reform
Moran: what you do if you got a do-over?
Axelrod: well-
Moran: you don’t a do-over buddy!
Axelrod: you’re a strange one
Moran: you were caught off guard in that mysterious land called Massachusetts
Axelrod: oh we all were caught off by that one
Moran: you’re bringing back Pluffy
Axelrod: he’s enormously talented at electing good looking inspirational black men
Moran: is health care reform dead?
Axelrod: it’s on life support
Moran: that doesn’t sound good
Axelrod: let me put it this way - health care reform can still follow a balloon with its eyes
Moran: excellent news
Axelrod: indeed it is
Moran: what about this idea of slipping the House bill under the Senate door and labeling it “Publisher’s Clearing House - You May Already
Be a Winner!”?
Axelrod: good idea - but Obama won’t walk away from people who need help
Moran: what exactly is in the bill?
Axelrod: no one will know until we enact it
Moran: how odd
Moran: have you rebooted Robot Obama and reprogrammed him to be a Populist
Axelrod: yes we have - also we installed an
emotion chip
Moran: oh my
[break]
Moran: Bob your job is to get Democrats elected to Senate and your first action was to lose the seat Ted Kennedy held for 40 fucking years
Menendez: true but I’m on steep learning curve
Moran: seems like it
Menendez: small businesses blah mortgages blah services blah jobs economics blah tax relief blah middle class blah blah
Moran: Minty you said about Obama “I must break you!”
DeMint: we’re seeing a sudden American awakening of people alarmed that a black man has the power
to spend and build up debt
Moran: I noticed that
DeMint: incredibly Obama opposed tort reform so
we can’t take him seriously
Moran: I couldn’t help notice that Scott Brown didn’t call himself a Republican
DeMint: we’ve got to earn the trust of the American people by
saying Obama took power three years ago
Moran: anything else
DeMint: also waving posters of Obama as a witch doctor in Auschwitz
Menendez: hey stupid - George Bush blew a surplus and handed Obama a Depression
Moran: yeah but Obama wasted all his time on a health care plan ABC news doesn’t like
Menendez: he prevented a Great Depression!
Moran: I see your mouth moving but all I hear is you’re not bipartisan
DeMint: look I’ve never heard of this ‘George Bush’ you’re talking about but the American people are very angry at this black man is steamrolling them will all this spending and debt
Menendez: that Bush created
DeMint: who is this ‘Bush’ person you keep
referring to?
Moran: hey John Roberts says that money is speech and corporations are people!
Menendez: it’s an outrage and by the time
we’re done corporations will probably amend
the Constitution to take away rights for
mere human beings
DeMint: the teabaggers are populist so of course we need to protect businesses from evil labor unions
Moran: even foreign corporations?
DeMint: well let’s not worry about that, the point is -- wait I have to take this call from Exxon
Moran: thank for coming Senator
Exxon: thank you Terry
Moran: I was talking to DeMint
Exxon: who?
********************
Host:
Terry Moran
Guests:
David Axelrod - White House Advisor
Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ)
Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC)
***********************
Moran: OMG the Democrats lost control of the Senate because they only have 59 seats out of 100!!
Axelrod: George Stephanpolous you look different
Moran: I’m Terry Moran
Axelrod: there’s no need to call me names
Moran: the media says that Obama can’t connect with ordinary white people
Axelrod: Terry did you know that Clinton left a surplus and Bush left a trillion dollar deficit and
a wrecked economy?
Moran: No!
Axelrod: it’s true
Moran: what have learned from your fucked-up
first year?
Axelrod: look no one wanted to make unpopular choices to fix George Bush’s mistakes
Moran: but you did it anyway
Axelrod: look we needed real health care reform
Moran: what you do if you got a do-over?
Axelrod: well-
Moran: you don’t a do-over buddy!
Axelrod: you’re a strange one
Moran: you were caught off guard in that mysterious land called Massachusetts
Axelrod: oh we all were caught off by that one
Moran: you’re bringing back Pluffy
Axelrod: he’s enormously talented at electing good looking inspirational black men
Moran: is health care reform dead?
Axelrod: it’s on life support
Moran: that doesn’t sound good
Axelrod: let me put it this way - health care reform can still follow a balloon with its eyes
Moran: excellent news
Axelrod: indeed it is
Moran: what about this idea of slipping the House bill under the Senate door and labeling it “Publisher’s Clearing House - You May Already
Be a Winner!”?
Axelrod: good idea - but Obama won’t walk away from people who need help
Moran: what exactly is in the bill?
Axelrod: no one will know until we enact it
Moran: how odd
Moran: have you rebooted Robot Obama and reprogrammed him to be a Populist
Axelrod: yes we have - also we installed an
emotion chip
Moran: oh my
[break]
Moran: Bob your job is to get Democrats elected to Senate and your first action was to lose the seat Ted Kennedy held for 40 fucking years
Menendez: true but I’m on steep learning curve
Moran: seems like it
Menendez: small businesses blah mortgages blah services blah jobs economics blah tax relief blah middle class blah blah
Moran: Minty you said about Obama “I must break you!”
DeMint: we’re seeing a sudden American awakening of people alarmed that a black man has the power
to spend and build up debt
Moran: I noticed that
DeMint: incredibly Obama opposed tort reform so
we can’t take him seriously
Moran: I couldn’t help notice that Scott Brown didn’t call himself a Republican
DeMint: we’ve got to earn the trust of the American people by
saying Obama took power three years ago
Moran: anything else
DeMint: also waving posters of Obama as a witch doctor in Auschwitz
Menendez: hey stupid - George Bush blew a surplus and handed Obama a Depression
Moran: yeah but Obama wasted all his time on a health care plan ABC news doesn’t like
Menendez: he prevented a Great Depression!
Moran: I see your mouth moving but all I hear is you’re not bipartisan
DeMint: look I’ve never heard of this ‘George Bush’ you’re talking about but the American people are very angry at this black man is steamrolling them will all this spending and debt
Menendez: that Bush created
DeMint: who is this ‘Bush’ person you keep
referring to?
Moran: hey John Roberts says that money is speech and corporations are people!
Menendez: it’s an outrage and by the time
we’re done corporations will probably amend
the Constitution to take away rights for
mere human beings
DeMint: the teabaggers are populist so of course we need to protect businesses from evil labor unions
Moran: even foreign corporations?
DeMint: well let’s not worry about that, the point is -- wait I have to take this call from Exxon
Moran: thank for coming Senator
Exxon: thank you Terry
Moran: I was talking to DeMint
Exxon: who?
********************
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Meet The Press - January 17, 2010
Guests:
Rajiv Shah - US AID
Lt. General Keen
Bill Clinton
George W. Bush
Bob Woodward
Karen Hughes
John Podesta
Mark Halperin
**********************
Gregory: Doctor Shah - what’s going on in Haiti?
Shah: well the roads, ports and airport have all
been destroyed
Gregory: how many people have died?
Shah: hey Gregger we’re hoping to still
rescue people
Gregory: really - why not just play air guitar
and eat birthday cakes?
Shah: we’re not fucking around dude!
Gregory: hey General how’s it going?
General: we taking care of business buddy
Gregory: what about the looters!?
General: the UN mission is taking care of it
Gregory: oh dear
General: actually there is calm on the streets
Gregory: well it’s not like they won the SuperBowl
General: we’re trying to save an entire population
Gregory: some say the U.S. military doesn’t work and play well with others
General: damm right!
Gregory: but there’s only one airport
General: and it’s ours!
Gregory: Doctor there is frustration over the
lack of smoothness helping earthquake victims in another country
Shah: jesus we starting sending aid 5 minutes
after the earthquake
Gregory: yeah but I like to whine
Shah: well calm down Fluffy
Gregory: but you didn’t send in enough
bottled water
Shah: we’re sending in water purification you
silly bint
Gregory: will the U.S. colonize Haiti?
General: that is not an affirmative, Fluffy!
Gregory: now that the crisis is over what now?
Shah: urban search and rescue, and sending
in help like food and water
Gregory: is that Detroit or Haiti?
[ break ]
Gregory: Kerry give me one word to describe Haiti
Sanders: chaos
Gregory: wow it sounds bad
Sanders: but actually things are getting better
Gregory: could you really find people alive
after all this time?
Sanders: yes this happens every time the media covers an earthquake Fluffers
Gregory: how come it isn’t easy to get supplies to
an island devastated by an earthquake?
Sanders: why is he sitting there while I’m stuck
in fucking Haiti?
Producer: uh Kerry you said that out loud
Sanders: oh
[ break ]
Gregory: Bush what’s your biggest concern
right now?
Bush: them Cowboys have no defense!
Gregory: Bill?
Clinton: the Haitian police force is on the job
- with no uniforms or weapons
Gregory: ok - should the US colonize Haiti?
Clinton: oh no - just an agreement allowing the
US temporary control of the area
Native Americans: uh oh
Bush: I’ve been through crises but people will
forget after a while
Gregory: like how you were president on 9/11?
Bush: no there were no attacks when I was President - just ask Saint Rudy
Clinton: I believe Haiti will be back and better
than ever!
Gregory: jesus you’re an optimist
Clinton: look at my life - wouldn’t you be?
Gregory: should we really give so much money
to all these former slaves?
Bush: good point but we can’t neglect Haiti when
it can get us on tv looking compassionate
Gregory: why should we care about this far-away backward corrupt region?
Clinton: hey I like Alaska
Gregory: what did you learn about your fuck-ups
in Katrina and everything else?
Bush: I learn you can’t trust shysters
Gregory: dear lord you do have a way with words
Gregory: Did Obama politicize this earthquake?
Bush: what are you talking about?
Gregory: I dunno
Gregory: Bill why can’t we just get along like this
all the time?
Clinton: I heard you were a moron
[ break ]
Gregory: Karen you witnessed Bush completely
fuck up the Katrina response
Hughes: indeed so I ought to know
Gregory: Bush is back!
Hughes: yeah it’s weird ‘Bush’ and ‘disaster relief’ don’t go well together
Gregory: John who’s winning Haiti vs. Katrina?
Podesta: oh Obama of course - he’s agile and
he's got alacrity
Gregory: Haiti was just about to turn the corner!
Woodward: right!
Gregory: but what’s the commitment in this U.S.
to help Haiti even more??
Woodward: like we’ve done so much before
Gregory: right
Woodward: the winguts and liberal bloggers hate seeing Clinton and Stupid being nice to each other
Gregory: speaking of idiots - Mark Halperin!
Halperin: this is just like the underpants bomber
but this time Obama is getting it right
Gregory: Limbaugh says we should let people die
Halperin: and the GOP won’t repudiate him!
Gregory: speaking of triviality - polls say Obama loses to “someone else”
Podesta: my god that’s stupid
Hughes: he has to stop blaming everything on Bush
Podesta: but Bush was the worst President
of all time
Hughes: oh we all inherit challenges
Podesta: Bush nearly wrecked this country!
Hughes: but Evan Bayh says Obama is too liberal!
Podesta: well Evan Bayh is an idiot
Woodward: you are all look foolish - people thought Reagan was doomed in 1982 and later he won every U.S. state but Haiti
Halperin: Obama is good at mechanics but he’s not inspiring people which is ironic
Hughes: no it was Bush who rescued the economy by giving billions of free money to rich people who ruined the U.S. economy
Podesta: jesus fuck
Hughes: Obama lied to people - he never said
he would pass health care reform!
Gregory: Karen he ran on health care!
Hughes: well anyway he does too much
Gregory: we never had the problem under Bush
Hughes: exactly!
Gregory: Obama wants to tax the banks who
got welfare
Woodward: well they can afford it - they are giving out bonuses
Gregory: what does Bush think about Cheney going out and saying totally insane things?
Hughes: frankly he’s scared of Dick Cheney
Gregory: but what does he think?
Hughes: well I think Obama should have tortured
the underwear bomber
Gregory: you’re sick
Gregory: OMG a Democrat might lose in Massachusetts!
Halperin: that’s good news for Obama so he
can enact a weak health care reform bill
Woodward: Charles Krauthammer says Obama is a socialist
Gregory: I thought he was Kenyan
Hughes: he’s a communist
Podesta: I can’t believe Massachusetts will replace Teddy with a teabagging centerfold
Gregory: how do we defeat health care reform
Hughes: oh no I hope they don’t pass health care reform!
Gregory: not the briar patch!
Podesta: people said that about the same bill in Massachusetts but guess what they love it now
Hughes: but it still isn’t perfect so we should go back to the status quo
Gregory: even if it destroys America?
Hughes: it’s the Republican way Greggers
******************
Listen to Culture of Truth and Jesus' General Sunday night at 8:00 p.m. Eastern time!
Listen live or archived at BTR - http://www.blogtalkradio.com/virtuallyspeaking
Subscribe at iTunes http://bit.ly/7DZcGa
*******************
Rajiv Shah - US AID
Lt. General Keen
Bill Clinton
George W. Bush
Bob Woodward
Karen Hughes
John Podesta
Mark Halperin
**********************
Gregory: Doctor Shah - what’s going on in Haiti?
Shah: well the roads, ports and airport have all
been destroyed
Gregory: how many people have died?
Shah: hey Gregger we’re hoping to still
rescue people
Gregory: really - why not just play air guitar
and eat birthday cakes?
Shah: we’re not fucking around dude!
Gregory: hey General how’s it going?
General: we taking care of business buddy
Gregory: what about the looters!?
General: the UN mission is taking care of it
Gregory: oh dear
General: actually there is calm on the streets
Gregory: well it’s not like they won the SuperBowl
General: we’re trying to save an entire population
Gregory: some say the U.S. military doesn’t work and play well with others
General: damm right!
Gregory: but there’s only one airport
General: and it’s ours!
Gregory: Doctor there is frustration over the
lack of smoothness helping earthquake victims in another country
Shah: jesus we starting sending aid 5 minutes
after the earthquake
Gregory: yeah but I like to whine
Shah: well calm down Fluffy
Gregory: but you didn’t send in enough
bottled water
Shah: we’re sending in water purification you
silly bint
Gregory: will the U.S. colonize Haiti?
General: that is not an affirmative, Fluffy!
Gregory: now that the crisis is over what now?
Shah: urban search and rescue, and sending
in help like food and water
Gregory: is that Detroit or Haiti?
[ break ]
Gregory: Kerry give me one word to describe Haiti
Sanders: chaos
Gregory: wow it sounds bad
Sanders: but actually things are getting better
Gregory: could you really find people alive
after all this time?
Sanders: yes this happens every time the media covers an earthquake Fluffers
Gregory: how come it isn’t easy to get supplies to
an island devastated by an earthquake?
Sanders: why is he sitting there while I’m stuck
in fucking Haiti?
Producer: uh Kerry you said that out loud
Sanders: oh
[ break ]
Gregory: Bush what’s your biggest concern
right now?
Bush: them Cowboys have no defense!
Gregory: Bill?
Clinton: the Haitian police force is on the job
- with no uniforms or weapons
Gregory: ok - should the US colonize Haiti?
Clinton: oh no - just an agreement allowing the
US temporary control of the area
Native Americans: uh oh
Bush: I’ve been through crises but people will
forget after a while
Gregory: like how you were president on 9/11?
Bush: no there were no attacks when I was President - just ask Saint Rudy
Clinton: I believe Haiti will be back and better
than ever!
Gregory: jesus you’re an optimist
Clinton: look at my life - wouldn’t you be?
Gregory: should we really give so much money
to all these former slaves?
Bush: good point but we can’t neglect Haiti when
it can get us on tv looking compassionate
Gregory: why should we care about this far-away backward corrupt region?
Clinton: hey I like Alaska
Gregory: what did you learn about your fuck-ups
in Katrina and everything else?
Bush: I learn you can’t trust shysters
Gregory: dear lord you do have a way with words
Gregory: Did Obama politicize this earthquake?
Bush: what are you talking about?
Gregory: I dunno
Gregory: Bill why can’t we just get along like this
all the time?
Clinton: I heard you were a moron
[ break ]
Gregory: Karen you witnessed Bush completely
fuck up the Katrina response
Hughes: indeed so I ought to know
Gregory: Bush is back!
Hughes: yeah it’s weird ‘Bush’ and ‘disaster relief’ don’t go well together
Gregory: John who’s winning Haiti vs. Katrina?
Podesta: oh Obama of course - he’s agile and
he's got alacrity
Gregory: Haiti was just about to turn the corner!
Woodward: right!
Gregory: but what’s the commitment in this U.S.
to help Haiti even more??
Woodward: like we’ve done so much before
Gregory: right
Woodward: the winguts and liberal bloggers hate seeing Clinton and Stupid being nice to each other
Gregory: speaking of idiots - Mark Halperin!
Halperin: this is just like the underpants bomber
but this time Obama is getting it right
Gregory: Limbaugh says we should let people die
Halperin: and the GOP won’t repudiate him!
Gregory: speaking of triviality - polls say Obama loses to “someone else”
Podesta: my god that’s stupid
Hughes: he has to stop blaming everything on Bush
Podesta: but Bush was the worst President
of all time
Hughes: oh we all inherit challenges
Podesta: Bush nearly wrecked this country!
Hughes: but Evan Bayh says Obama is too liberal!
Podesta: well Evan Bayh is an idiot
Woodward: you are all look foolish - people thought Reagan was doomed in 1982 and later he won every U.S. state but Haiti
Halperin: Obama is good at mechanics but he’s not inspiring people which is ironic
Hughes: no it was Bush who rescued the economy by giving billions of free money to rich people who ruined the U.S. economy
Podesta: jesus fuck
Hughes: Obama lied to people - he never said
he would pass health care reform!
Gregory: Karen he ran on health care!
Hughes: well anyway he does too much
Gregory: we never had the problem under Bush
Hughes: exactly!
Gregory: Obama wants to tax the banks who
got welfare
Woodward: well they can afford it - they are giving out bonuses
Gregory: what does Bush think about Cheney going out and saying totally insane things?
Hughes: frankly he’s scared of Dick Cheney
Gregory: but what does he think?
Hughes: well I think Obama should have tortured
the underwear bomber
Gregory: you’re sick
Gregory: OMG a Democrat might lose in Massachusetts!
Halperin: that’s good news for Obama so he
can enact a weak health care reform bill
Woodward: Charles Krauthammer says Obama is a socialist
Gregory: I thought he was Kenyan
Hughes: he’s a communist
Podesta: I can’t believe Massachusetts will replace Teddy with a teabagging centerfold
Gregory: how do we defeat health care reform
Hughes: oh no I hope they don’t pass health care reform!
Gregory: not the briar patch!
Podesta: people said that about the same bill in Massachusetts but guess what they love it now
Hughes: but it still isn’t perfect so we should go back to the status quo
Gregory: even if it destroys America?
Hughes: it’s the Republican way Greggers
******************
Listen to Culture of Truth and Jesus' General Sunday night at 8:00 p.m. Eastern time!
Listen live or archived at BTR - http://www.blogtalkradio.com/virtuallyspeaking
Subscribe at iTunes http://bit.ly/7DZcGa
*******************
This Week with George Stephanopoulos hosted by Jake Tapper - January 17, 2010
This Week with George Stephanopoulos
Host:
Jake Tapper
Guests:
Bill Clinton
George W. Bush
Lt. General Keen
Rajiv Shah - USAID
******************
Tapper: Welcome Former Presidents - hey guys check out this e-mail I got - ‘the country is in total chaos, the government is totally non-existent,
law and order no longer exist’
Clinton: What does Wall Street have to do with this?
Tapper: I was talking about Haiti
Bush: the whole country went Galt?
Tapper: no supplies aren’t getting through to
people in need
Clinton: chill the fuck out Tapper - my wife is on
top of this!
Tapper: but people are suffering
Clinton: dammit government ministers are missing
Tapper: Stupid you are a failure - why exactly
did they call you
Bush: I am an expert on the dishonest spending
of money
Tapper: of course
Clinton: on the other hand I spent my honeymoon
in Haiti and raised $500 million for Haiti before the earthquake
Bush: I’ve seen every episode of ‘Jersey Shore’
Tapper: ok
Bush: the Haitian government needs to step up dammit
Tapper: Conservatives are worried sending money to a corrupt government is wasteful
Clinton: that’s rich
Bush: the question is - do we care?
Tapper: Rush Limbaugh says no
Clinton: we will condition charity on the Haitian government building earthquake-proof houses
Tapper: of course
Tapper: Bush what lessons can we learn from your incredible fuck-ups?
Bush: lower expectations so when you fail it
doesn’t look so bad
Clinton: get cell phones and radios working so the people are informed about how screwed they are
Tapper: Martha is aid getting to the people?
Raddatz: no but dude maybe you haven’t heard -
a fucking earthquake hit this place
Tapper: no!
Tapper: what about the looting - is the US military going to invade Haiti or not?
Raddatz: no you idiot
Tapper: speaking of rumors of looting - General
why isn’t the U.S. military cracking Haitian skulls?
General: this is a tragedy of epic proportions
Tapper: we know Haiti is bad
General: I meant this interview
Tapper: how many soliders do you need to crush
the Haitian insurgency?
General: lots and lots
Tapper: how many years will we occupy Haiti?
General: dunno - forever?
Tapper: Doc - why isn’t aid getting to the Haitian people?
Shah: hey we’re doing our best
Tapper: look we all agree you’re doing a good job
Shah: it doesn’t sound like it
Tapper: how many tons of aid have you delivered?
Shah: a lot
Tapper: but not all of it
Shah: dude the roads are all broken and the
airports don’t function
Tapper: well that’s true in New York
Tapper: General how many casualties are we expecting?
General: I hope we don’t lose any soldiers
Tapper: I meant Haitians
General: oh I dunno
Tapper: General Honore had a bad reaction to a
fictional U.S. non-response
Shah: well fuck him - that never happened
Tapper: fascinating
******************
Host:
Jake Tapper
Guests:
Bill Clinton
George W. Bush
Lt. General Keen
Rajiv Shah - USAID
******************
Tapper: Welcome Former Presidents - hey guys check out this e-mail I got - ‘the country is in total chaos, the government is totally non-existent,
law and order no longer exist’
Clinton: What does Wall Street have to do with this?
Tapper: I was talking about Haiti
Bush: the whole country went Galt?
Tapper: no supplies aren’t getting through to
people in need
Clinton: chill the fuck out Tapper - my wife is on
top of this!
Tapper: but people are suffering
Clinton: dammit government ministers are missing
Tapper: Stupid you are a failure - why exactly
did they call you
Bush: I am an expert on the dishonest spending
of money
Tapper: of course
Clinton: on the other hand I spent my honeymoon
in Haiti and raised $500 million for Haiti before the earthquake
Bush: I’ve seen every episode of ‘Jersey Shore’
Tapper: ok
Bush: the Haitian government needs to step up dammit
Tapper: Conservatives are worried sending money to a corrupt government is wasteful
Clinton: that’s rich
Bush: the question is - do we care?
Tapper: Rush Limbaugh says no
Clinton: we will condition charity on the Haitian government building earthquake-proof houses
Tapper: of course
Tapper: Bush what lessons can we learn from your incredible fuck-ups?
Bush: lower expectations so when you fail it
doesn’t look so bad
Clinton: get cell phones and radios working so the people are informed about how screwed they are
Tapper: Martha is aid getting to the people?
Raddatz: no but dude maybe you haven’t heard -
a fucking earthquake hit this place
Tapper: no!
Tapper: what about the looting - is the US military going to invade Haiti or not?
Raddatz: no you idiot
Tapper: speaking of rumors of looting - General
why isn’t the U.S. military cracking Haitian skulls?
General: this is a tragedy of epic proportions
Tapper: we know Haiti is bad
General: I meant this interview
Tapper: how many soliders do you need to crush
the Haitian insurgency?
General: lots and lots
Tapper: how many years will we occupy Haiti?
General: dunno - forever?
Tapper: Doc - why isn’t aid getting to the Haitian people?
Shah: hey we’re doing our best
Tapper: look we all agree you’re doing a good job
Shah: it doesn’t sound like it
Tapper: how many tons of aid have you delivered?
Shah: a lot
Tapper: but not all of it
Shah: dude the roads are all broken and the
airports don’t function
Tapper: well that’s true in New York
Tapper: General how many casualties are we expecting?
General: I hope we don’t lose any soldiers
Tapper: I meant Haitians
General: oh I dunno
Tapper: General Honore had a bad reaction to a
fictional U.S. non-response
Shah: well fuck him - that never happened
Tapper: fascinating
******************
Monday, January 11, 2010
The Daily Show with John Yoo - January 11, 2010
***************************
The Daily Show
January 11, 2010
Guest:
John Yoo
***********************
Stewart: everyone on earth hates your fucking
guts and fears your broken soul
Yoo: yeah but people love you so it’s the same
Stewart: it seems like they came to you and
said ‘give us permission to crush a child’s balls’
and you said ‘how hard?’
Yoo: that’s true but we were under threat by
nutjobs with boxcutters
Stewart: so you weren’t following the law
but panicking?
Yoo: no there’s a special law to follow if you’re
really really scared
Stewart: I didn’t know that was in the Constitution
Yoo: Congress and the Supreme Court could
have stopped us
Stewart: really how?
Yoo: they could have defunded our ball crushing
Stewart: if they know you're crushing
balls day and night
Yoo: all they had to do was follow the screams
Stewart: but I thought we signed a treaty
banning torture
Yoo: yeah but there’s nothing in the treaty
about not crushing balls
Stewart: but we prosecuted people for torture
Yoo: but not for ball crushing
Stewart: I’m so confused
Yoo: look we either ball crush or we give the terrorists Miranda rights
Stewart: no in between?
Yoo: dude I don’t make the rules
Stewart: according to you the Framers wanted
us to have a dictatorship
Yoo: yes but only when a President has allowed
a massive terror attack to happen - then you
can go to town
Stewart: I see
Yoo: our best Presidents were all radical
dictator war Presidents
Stewart: why did you even bother following
the law when your whole philosophy is
‘terrortime baby - fuck the law’
Yoo: look I never actually told Bush ball
crushing was legal
Stewart: jesus christ I don’t know if that the
worst thing I’ve heard or not
Yoo: look America needs a Lincoln or Hitler or
Bush even if the price is sometimes a power-mad fascist like Nixon or Obama
Stewart: you sir, are one sick, sick man
Yoo: thank you Jon
Stewart: no really I thank you - now I understand
the banality of evil that allowed the Holocaust
to happen
*****************
The Daily Show
January 11, 2010
Guest:
John Yoo
***********************
Stewart: everyone on earth hates your fucking
guts and fears your broken soul
Yoo: yeah but people love you so it’s the same
Stewart: it seems like they came to you and
said ‘give us permission to crush a child’s balls’
and you said ‘how hard?’
Yoo: that’s true but we were under threat by
nutjobs with boxcutters
Stewart: so you weren’t following the law
but panicking?
Yoo: no there’s a special law to follow if you’re
really really scared
Stewart: I didn’t know that was in the Constitution
Yoo: Congress and the Supreme Court could
have stopped us
Stewart: really how?
Yoo: they could have defunded our ball crushing
Stewart: if they know you're crushing
balls day and night
Yoo: all they had to do was follow the screams
Stewart: but I thought we signed a treaty
banning torture
Yoo: yeah but there’s nothing in the treaty
about not crushing balls
Stewart: but we prosecuted people for torture
Yoo: but not for ball crushing
Stewart: I’m so confused
Yoo: look we either ball crush or we give the terrorists Miranda rights
Stewart: no in between?
Yoo: dude I don’t make the rules
Stewart: according to you the Framers wanted
us to have a dictatorship
Yoo: yes but only when a President has allowed
a massive terror attack to happen - then you
can go to town
Stewart: I see
Yoo: our best Presidents were all radical
dictator war Presidents
Stewart: why did you even bother following
the law when your whole philosophy is
‘terrortime baby - fuck the law’
Yoo: look I never actually told Bush ball
crushing was legal
Stewart: jesus christ I don’t know if that the
worst thing I’ve heard or not
Yoo: look America needs a Lincoln or Hitler or
Bush even if the price is sometimes a power-mad fascist like Nixon or Obama
Stewart: you sir, are one sick, sick man
Yoo: thank you Jon
Stewart: no really I thank you - now I understand
the banality of evil that allowed the Holocaust
to happen
*****************
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Meet The Press - January 10, 2010
Guests:
Tim Kaine - DNC Chair
Michael Steele - RNC Chair
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger - Gov. Calif (R)
Chuck Todd
Andrea Mitchell
************************
Gregory: wow Reid apologized for saying Obama was pretty fly for a light-skinned black guy
Kaine: hey he was trying to be nice
Gregory: yeah but all racially insensitive remarks are all the same therefore Democrats are hypocrites
Steele: damm right - it’s a total double standard - saying we should have segregationist President
is just like using the word Negro
Kaine: ha that’s funny - you do realize that you are chair of a segregationist party and you are black?
Steele: what!? I am?!
Gregory: what is the mood of the American people?
Steele: people are very angry that they don’t have health care, jobs and a lot of debt
Gregory: Republicans would never let that happen
Kaine: we’re trying to slowly to come out of
the hole dug by massive epic GOP failures
Gregory: but the retirements!
Kaine: all Republicans!
Steele: I’m excited about the crop of insane crazy people we have lined up to run for office in 2010
Kaine: I believe Steele when he says Republicans are not ready to lead
Gregory: even liberal Obama supporters like Schwarzenegger says Obama’s health plan sucks
Steele: yeah but we will prevent people from
getting sick so it’s all good
Steele: this health plan is all about debt and deficits and you know how Republicans hate that
Gregory: except for the last 40 years
Steele: yeah well except for that
Kaine: I want to see Republicans run on
the craptacular health system we have now
- I really do
Gregory: Mike no one likes you and you’re
a little crazy
Steele: are you kidding! I’m totally down on
the street with elections! I got money off the hook!
Gregory: Is the GOP politicizing terrorism?
Steele: what!? Dick Cheney is right! Obama
never uses the word terrorism! And he hasn’t
closed Gitmo!
Kaine: good lord what a bunch of motherfuckers these Republicans are
[ break ]
Gregory: Arnold your governorship has been an utter disaster - is the worst finally over?
Schw: nah I tink ve haf much vorse to gom
Gregory: ok
Schwarzenegger: ve haf to stimulade da eegonomy
Gregory: but the debt and deficit and taxes!
David Ignatius fears we spend too much on social spending
Schwarzenegger: da taxes vill stifle da eegonomy
Gregory: oh?
Schwarzenegger: een gullyfornia ve must cut
zee penshuns
Gregory: [ laughing ] wow you are so right and handsome too
Schwarzenegger: I haf to tried to eggsplain to ze peeple zat ve haf no money
Gregory: you imposed draconian cuts - and yet you need money from the federal government
Schwarzenegger: nah ve need zem to pay
for border zeguridy
Gregory: was Obama’s stimulus a good thing?
Schwarzenegger: yah eet vas very gud but
eet vas only one-time zing
Gregory: what if you don’t get the money from the federal government that you will never get?
Schwarzenegger: nah eets like lifting a heavy ting you don’t give up - you just take more steroids until you haf grotesque mussles
Gregory: you oppose Obama’s health care reform
Schwarzenegger: yah ve are better than Nebraska so zey shuld fuk off
Gregory: good points
Schwarzenegger: zat’s againt de law to buy votes!
Gregory: um right
Gregory: what is the future for education which you are destroying?
Schwarzenegger: we changed de law that zed parents can’t be involved in skools
Gregory: what an odd law
Schwarzenegger: and Obama vas very helpful
Gregory: Obama hasn’t kept America safe
Schwarzenegger: Galm down Fluffy
Gregory: but all the terror attacks under Obama!
Schwarzenegger: I haf heard you were da moron
Gregory: where does an Austrian bodybuilder turned actor fit in a racist teabagging party of incompetent crazy people
Schwarzenegger: I haf many more silly one-liners
to deliver
Gregory: but the GOP is fucking nuts
Schwarzenegger: ve must work for da peeple
Gregory: oh
Schwarzenegger: ve are still living off da Eisenhower era and ve must built high speed rail
Gregory: good lord that makes sense
Schwarzenegger: ve vill win seats in 2010
but not because ve are gud but just because zats da pendulum
Gregory: What’s next for Ahnold?
Schwarzenegger: fix da sewers
[ banging noise ]
Schwarzenegger: pay no attention zat is just
da people rioting
Gregory: Arnold doesn’t like the health care bill which is bad for Obama
Todd: yes you could see a vein pop and that
is so sad
Mitchell: Saint Arnold is not partisan and that is a real problem for Obama - if you lose the muscleman all is lost
Gregory: McCain’s economist says we need
to spend more
Todd: right - people don’t realize that Obama is responsible for all the problems in the states as well
Gregory: this proves that government doesn’t work
Mitchell: the tea party is the most important
group in America
Todd: the recall of Gray Davis and election of Schwarzenegger was the first tea party success ever
Gregory: that worked out so well
Gregory: maybe the problem is that the American people only reward politicians who promise big spending, lower taxes, and killing people
Todd: they do love that
Gregory: look at all the Democratic retirements!!
Mitchell: the Democrats are clearly fucked
Gregory: people elect Republicans, they fuck up, vote for Democrats, and then they hate Democrats for not solving the GOP fuck ups and so vote Republican
Todd: makes sense to me
Gregory: the GOP have problems too
Todd: well only because they are controlled by people who are largely insane
Mitchell: but Saint Arnold is non-partisan
Todd: and he could never win a GOP primary because he’s not nuts enough
Gregory: David Broder says no more Mr. Spock
it’s time for Admiral Kirk!
Mitchell: it turns out the CIA double agent was working for al qaeda
Gregory: oops
Todd: Obama’s Presidency is totally reactive - so we have moved to the ass-kicking phase of his first term
Gregory: harry reid is a fucking idiot
Todd: the Dems can only hope he’s defeated
Gregory: is Obama over it?
Todd: he’s a very forgiving negro
**************
Tim Kaine - DNC Chair
Michael Steele - RNC Chair
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger - Gov. Calif (R)
Chuck Todd
Andrea Mitchell
************************
Gregory: wow Reid apologized for saying Obama was pretty fly for a light-skinned black guy
Kaine: hey he was trying to be nice
Gregory: yeah but all racially insensitive remarks are all the same therefore Democrats are hypocrites
Steele: damm right - it’s a total double standard - saying we should have segregationist President
is just like using the word Negro
Kaine: ha that’s funny - you do realize that you are chair of a segregationist party and you are black?
Steele: what!? I am?!
Gregory: what is the mood of the American people?
Steele: people are very angry that they don’t have health care, jobs and a lot of debt
Gregory: Republicans would never let that happen
Kaine: we’re trying to slowly to come out of
the hole dug by massive epic GOP failures
Gregory: but the retirements!
Kaine: all Republicans!
Steele: I’m excited about the crop of insane crazy people we have lined up to run for office in 2010
Kaine: I believe Steele when he says Republicans are not ready to lead
Gregory: even liberal Obama supporters like Schwarzenegger says Obama’s health plan sucks
Steele: yeah but we will prevent people from
getting sick so it’s all good
Steele: this health plan is all about debt and deficits and you know how Republicans hate that
Gregory: except for the last 40 years
Steele: yeah well except for that
Kaine: I want to see Republicans run on
the craptacular health system we have now
- I really do
Gregory: Mike no one likes you and you’re
a little crazy
Steele: are you kidding! I’m totally down on
the street with elections! I got money off the hook!
Gregory: Is the GOP politicizing terrorism?
Steele: what!? Dick Cheney is right! Obama
never uses the word terrorism! And he hasn’t
closed Gitmo!
Kaine: good lord what a bunch of motherfuckers these Republicans are
[ break ]
Gregory: Arnold your governorship has been an utter disaster - is the worst finally over?
Schw: nah I tink ve haf much vorse to gom
Gregory: ok
Schwarzenegger: ve haf to stimulade da eegonomy
Gregory: but the debt and deficit and taxes!
David Ignatius fears we spend too much on social spending
Schwarzenegger: da taxes vill stifle da eegonomy
Gregory: oh?
Schwarzenegger: een gullyfornia ve must cut
zee penshuns
Gregory: [ laughing ] wow you are so right and handsome too
Schwarzenegger: I haf to tried to eggsplain to ze peeple zat ve haf no money
Gregory: you imposed draconian cuts - and yet you need money from the federal government
Schwarzenegger: nah ve need zem to pay
for border zeguridy
Gregory: was Obama’s stimulus a good thing?
Schwarzenegger: yah eet vas very gud but
eet vas only one-time zing
Gregory: what if you don’t get the money from the federal government that you will never get?
Schwarzenegger: nah eets like lifting a heavy ting you don’t give up - you just take more steroids until you haf grotesque mussles
Gregory: you oppose Obama’s health care reform
Schwarzenegger: yah ve are better than Nebraska so zey shuld fuk off
Gregory: good points
Schwarzenegger: zat’s againt de law to buy votes!
Gregory: um right
Gregory: what is the future for education which you are destroying?
Schwarzenegger: we changed de law that zed parents can’t be involved in skools
Gregory: what an odd law
Schwarzenegger: and Obama vas very helpful
Gregory: Obama hasn’t kept America safe
Schwarzenegger: Galm down Fluffy
Gregory: but all the terror attacks under Obama!
Schwarzenegger: I haf heard you were da moron
Gregory: where does an Austrian bodybuilder turned actor fit in a racist teabagging party of incompetent crazy people
Schwarzenegger: I haf many more silly one-liners
to deliver
Gregory: but the GOP is fucking nuts
Schwarzenegger: ve must work for da peeple
Gregory: oh
Schwarzenegger: ve are still living off da Eisenhower era and ve must built high speed rail
Gregory: good lord that makes sense
Schwarzenegger: ve vill win seats in 2010
but not because ve are gud but just because zats da pendulum
Gregory: What’s next for Ahnold?
Schwarzenegger: fix da sewers
[ banging noise ]
Schwarzenegger: pay no attention zat is just
da people rioting
Gregory: Arnold doesn’t like the health care bill which is bad for Obama
Todd: yes you could see a vein pop and that
is so sad
Mitchell: Saint Arnold is not partisan and that is a real problem for Obama - if you lose the muscleman all is lost
Gregory: McCain’s economist says we need
to spend more
Todd: right - people don’t realize that Obama is responsible for all the problems in the states as well
Gregory: this proves that government doesn’t work
Mitchell: the tea party is the most important
group in America
Todd: the recall of Gray Davis and election of Schwarzenegger was the first tea party success ever
Gregory: that worked out so well
Gregory: maybe the problem is that the American people only reward politicians who promise big spending, lower taxes, and killing people
Todd: they do love that
Gregory: look at all the Democratic retirements!!
Mitchell: the Democrats are clearly fucked
Gregory: people elect Republicans, they fuck up, vote for Democrats, and then they hate Democrats for not solving the GOP fuck ups and so vote Republican
Todd: makes sense to me
Gregory: the GOP have problems too
Todd: well only because they are controlled by people who are largely insane
Mitchell: but Saint Arnold is non-partisan
Todd: and he could never win a GOP primary because he’s not nuts enough
Gregory: David Broder says no more Mr. Spock
it’s time for Admiral Kirk!
Mitchell: it turns out the CIA double agent was working for al qaeda
Gregory: oops
Todd: Obama’s Presidency is totally reactive - so we have moved to the ass-kicking phase of his first term
Gregory: harry reid is a fucking idiot
Todd: the Dems can only hope he’s defeated
Gregory: is Obama over it?
Todd: he’s a very forgiving negro
**************
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