Gen. David Petraeus
Gov. Tim Pawlenty
Rep. Van Hollen
Rep. Mike Pence
February 21, 2010
Gregory: General we’ve had amazing success against the Taliban this week - how big a defeat is
this for Obama??
Petraeus: actually we’re winning and doing very well
Gregory: that’s not what I heard from the GOP
Petraeus: well you’re an idiot
Gregory: but there are questions-
Petraeus: shut up
Gregory: [ high pitched voice ]
but there are U.S. losses!
Petraeus: we’re sending in our Very Special Forces
Gregory: like ‘Special’ special or
‘Family Guy’ special?
Gregory: so now that Obama is President I am concerned about U.S. losses
Petraeus: hey Fluffy did you know that 9/11 was planned in Afghanistan, Hamburg and Florida?
Gregory: good I want to help you invade
Petraeus: I’m with you Dancin Dave
Gregory: so who is this guy you caught?
Petraeus: we’re carrying this fight against the Taliban with our new allies the Tallyban
Gregory: Shouldn’t we be torturing this swarthy man?
Petraeus: Hey moron - torture doesn’t work
Gregory: but it’s fun
Petraeus: no it backfires and hurts America overseas
Petraeus: torture isn’t biodegradable - that’s why
Al Gore hates it
Greogry: but wasn’t Obama short-sighted for
closing our Caribbean torture gulag?
Petraeus: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: Dick Cheney says we are going to be nuked
Petraeus: well he’s thinking of his failures and not Obama’s successes
Gregory: 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11
Gregory: OMG Iran is going to drop a nuclear
bomb on us!!!!
Petraeus: Calm down Fluffy
Gregory: But Daddy I’m scared!!!
Petraeus: Don’t worry we’re sending Iran a
sternly worded letter
Gregory: but shouldn’t Israel just bomb Iran?
Petraeus: Let me put it this way - wheeeeee
[makes whistling sound of bomb flying
through the air]
Gregory: Is Iraq a Democracy?
Petraeus: It’s an Iraqracy
Gregory: what is that?
Petraeus: Freer than North Korea but not as
fair as Florida in 2000
Gregory: close enough
Gregory: Isn’t this the wrong time to let those icky gay people in the military what with all the wars?
Petraeus: don’t worry Fluffy we won’t take you anyway
Gregory: but gay people are so gay!
Petraeus: have you seen the Olympics?
Gregory: good point - after all half the GOP
Congress are gay
Petraeus: hey if they can fire a gun they can
fight with me
Gregory: I bet they can General
[ break ]
Gregory: Dick Cheney says Obama is a one-term President
Pawlenty: ooh I sure I hope Dick is right
Gregory: there’s a first time for everything
Pawlenty: we’re going to win in 2010 but I’m not sure about 2012 since the world may end
Gregory: you also say the GOP blew it
Pawlenty: yes but that was only the last 30 years - we’ve completely changed since 2008
Gregory: oh ok
Pawlenty: but these are serious times and we
need serious solutions
Gregory: like what
Pawlenty: repealing all Miranda rights
Gregory: you said we smash should the government with a nine-iron since a black man is President!!
Pawlenty: I had to say racist weird shit because China buys our debt
Gregory: are you running for President?
Pawlenty: sure - I’m dumb but white so why not?
Gregory: what about the stimulus?
Pawlenty: we need to grow the economy by
Gregory: did the stimulus work?
Gregory: but it created jobs
Pawlenty: but just government jobs
Gregory: so they don’t count?
Pawlenty: no because it only created 2 million jobs
Gregory: what are you answers?
Pawlenty: cut taxes
Gregory: anything else?
Pawlenty: take some taxes and cut them
Gregory: what is your vision for America?
Pawlenty: do anything we can to give stuff to corporations
Gregory: what about the debt?
Pawlenty: we should cut federal spending
Gregory: what about the wars?
Pawlenty: oh not defense
Gregory: so where do you cut?
Pawlenty: cut benefits for cushy overpaid bus drivers
Gregory: are we winning the war on terror?
Pawlenty: yes thanks to Dick Cheney
Gregory: is the climate changing?
Pawlenty: yes but it it all natural so we must declare war on Mother Nature - if we pour more coal into the atmosphere - that will show her!
Gregory: Gays in the military?
Pawlenty: no Republicans don’t want to join up anyway
Gregory: health care reform?
Pawlenty: just let people shop around for the best open heart surgery while they are dying
Gregory: tell me all your thoughts on God
Pawlenty: God wants to me to run for President and lose to Mitt Romney in the primaries in February
Gregory: well ok then
[ break ]
Gregory: ok surprising many people Evan Bayh flew a plane into the IRS building this week - what is going on?
Pence: I agree with Evan Bayh that Democrats are evil and we should violently overthrow the government
Van Hollen: hey we passed a lot of bills and the Republicans recently voted against the “Republicans Get What They Want Act of 2010”
Gregory: Some say Obama should just give the GOP whatever they want
Dionne: The Republican Party has gone completely insane - which is fine but you can’t blame Obama for their intransigence
Noonan: we need more good things and not
Pence: We would love to work with Obama but he’s an evil man cooking up creepy things in back rooms
Van Hollen: The Democrats cut taxes on 95% and the GOP said that’s not enough because the poor rich were left out
Gregory: health care summit?
Dionne: the summit will be useful because people will actually be able to compare their ideas instead of yelling about not cooperating
Pence: no fair!
Noonan: Hitler used to pass bills of 1,000 pages
Noonan: also tax cuts are bad when Democrats do it
Pence: let me be clear on this - we are willing to work with Democrats if they do everything we want
Van Hollen: oh is that all?
Pence: also if Obama resigns
Gregory: Ha the GOP is going to take the House!
Van Hollen: no they aren’t stupid
Pence: the American people are tired of personal irresponsibility, big spending, debt and bailouts
George W. Bush:
[watching at home, in his underwear, drinking beer]
aaaw fuck you Pency!
[ throws slipper at tv ]
Gregory: thanks for watching
Bush: aw fuck you too fluffy
Laura: Calm down George