This Week with George Stephanopoulos
George W. Bush
Lt. General Keen
Rajiv Shah - USAID
Tapper: Welcome Former Presidents - hey guys check out this e-mail I got - ‘the country is in total chaos, the government is totally non-existent,
law and order no longer exist’
Clinton: What does Wall Street have to do with this?
Tapper: I was talking about Haiti
Bush: the whole country went Galt?
Tapper: no supplies aren’t getting through to
people in need
Clinton: chill the fuck out Tapper - my wife is on
top of this!
Tapper: but people are suffering
Clinton: dammit government ministers are missing
Tapper: Stupid you are a failure - why exactly
did they call you
Bush: I am an expert on the dishonest spending
Tapper: of course
Clinton: on the other hand I spent my honeymoon
in Haiti and raised $500 million for Haiti before the earthquake
Bush: I’ve seen every episode of ‘Jersey Shore’
Bush: the Haitian government needs to step up dammit
Tapper: Conservatives are worried sending money to a corrupt government is wasteful
Clinton: that’s rich
Bush: the question is - do we care?
Tapper: Rush Limbaugh says no
Clinton: we will condition charity on the Haitian government building earthquake-proof houses
Tapper: of course
Tapper: Bush what lessons can we learn from your incredible fuck-ups?
Bush: lower expectations so when you fail it
doesn’t look so bad
Clinton: get cell phones and radios working so the people are informed about how screwed they are
Tapper: Martha is aid getting to the people?
Raddatz: no but dude maybe you haven’t heard -
a fucking earthquake hit this place
Tapper: what about the looting - is the US military going to invade Haiti or not?
Raddatz: no you idiot
Tapper: speaking of rumors of looting - General
why isn’t the U.S. military cracking Haitian skulls?
General: this is a tragedy of epic proportions
Tapper: we know Haiti is bad
General: I meant this interview
Tapper: how many soliders do you need to crush
the Haitian insurgency?
General: lots and lots
Tapper: how many years will we occupy Haiti?
General: dunno - forever?
Tapper: Doc - why isn’t aid getting to the Haitian people?
Shah: hey we’re doing our best
Tapper: look we all agree you’re doing a good job
Shah: it doesn’t sound like it
Tapper: how many tons of aid have you delivered?
Shah: a lot
Tapper: but not all of it
Shah: dude the roads are all broken and the
airports don’t function
Tapper: well that’s true in New York
Tapper: General how many casualties are we expecting?
General: I hope we don’t lose any soldiers
Tapper: I meant Haitians
General: oh I dunno
Tapper: General Honore had a bad reaction to a
fictional U.S. non-response
Shah: well fuck him - that never happened