Rajiv Shah - US AID
Lt. General Keen
George W. Bush
Gregory: Doctor Shah - what’s going on in Haiti?
Shah: well the roads, ports and airport have all
Gregory: how many people have died?
Shah: hey Gregger we’re hoping to still
Gregory: really - why not just play air guitar
and eat birthday cakes?
Shah: we’re not fucking around dude!
Gregory: hey General how’s it going?
General: we taking care of business buddy
Gregory: what about the looters!?
General: the UN mission is taking care of it
Gregory: oh dear
General: actually there is calm on the streets
Gregory: well it’s not like they won the SuperBowl
General: we’re trying to save an entire population
Gregory: some say the U.S. military doesn’t work and play well with others
General: damm right!
Gregory: but there’s only one airport
General: and it’s ours!
Gregory: Doctor there is frustration over the
lack of smoothness helping earthquake victims in another country
Shah: jesus we starting sending aid 5 minutes
after the earthquake
Gregory: yeah but I like to whine
Shah: well calm down Fluffy
Gregory: but you didn’t send in enough
Shah: we’re sending in water purification you
Gregory: will the U.S. colonize Haiti?
General: that is not an affirmative, Fluffy!
Gregory: now that the crisis is over what now?
Shah: urban search and rescue, and sending
in help like food and water
Gregory: is that Detroit or Haiti?
[ break ]
Gregory: Kerry give me one word to describe Haiti
Gregory: wow it sounds bad
Sanders: but actually things are getting better
Gregory: could you really find people alive
after all this time?
Sanders: yes this happens every time the media covers an earthquake Fluffers
Gregory: how come it isn’t easy to get supplies to
an island devastated by an earthquake?
Sanders: why is he sitting there while I’m stuck
in fucking Haiti?
Producer: uh Kerry you said that out loud
[ break ]
Gregory: Bush what’s your biggest concern
Bush: them Cowboys have no defense!
Clinton: the Haitian police force is on the job
- with no uniforms or weapons
Gregory: ok - should the US colonize Haiti?
Clinton: oh no - just an agreement allowing the
US temporary control of the area
Native Americans: uh oh
Bush: I’ve been through crises but people will
forget after a while
Gregory: like how you were president on 9/11?
Bush: no there were no attacks when I was President - just ask Saint Rudy
Clinton: I believe Haiti will be back and better
Gregory: jesus you’re an optimist
Clinton: look at my life - wouldn’t you be?
Gregory: should we really give so much money
to all these former slaves?
Bush: good point but we can’t neglect Haiti when
it can get us on tv looking compassionate
Gregory: why should we care about this far-away backward corrupt region?
Clinton: hey I like Alaska
Gregory: what did you learn about your fuck-ups
in Katrina and everything else?
Bush: I learn you can’t trust shysters
Gregory: dear lord you do have a way with words
Gregory: Did Obama politicize this earthquake?
Bush: what are you talking about?
Gregory: I dunno
Gregory: Bill why can’t we just get along like this
all the time?
Clinton: I heard you were a moron
[ break ]
Gregory: Karen you witnessed Bush completely
fuck up the Katrina response
Hughes: indeed so I ought to know
Gregory: Bush is back!
Hughes: yeah it’s weird ‘Bush’ and ‘disaster relief’ don’t go well together
Gregory: John who’s winning Haiti vs. Katrina?
Podesta: oh Obama of course - he’s agile and
he's got alacrity
Gregory: Haiti was just about to turn the corner!
Gregory: but what’s the commitment in this U.S.
to help Haiti even more??
Woodward: like we’ve done so much before
Woodward: the winguts and liberal bloggers hate seeing Clinton and Stupid being nice to each other
Gregory: speaking of idiots - Mark Halperin!
Halperin: this is just like the underpants bomber
but this time Obama is getting it right
Gregory: Limbaugh says we should let people die
Halperin: and the GOP won’t repudiate him!
Gregory: speaking of triviality - polls say Obama loses to “someone else”
Podesta: my god that’s stupid
Hughes: he has to stop blaming everything on Bush
Podesta: but Bush was the worst President
of all time
Hughes: oh we all inherit challenges
Podesta: Bush nearly wrecked this country!
Hughes: but Evan Bayh says Obama is too liberal!
Podesta: well Evan Bayh is an idiot
Woodward: you are all look foolish - people thought Reagan was doomed in 1982 and later he won every U.S. state but Haiti
Halperin: Obama is good at mechanics but he’s not inspiring people which is ironic
Hughes: no it was Bush who rescued the economy by giving billions of free money to rich people who ruined the U.S. economy
Podesta: jesus fuck
Hughes: Obama lied to people - he never said
he would pass health care reform!
Gregory: Karen he ran on health care!
Hughes: well anyway he does too much
Gregory: we never had the problem under Bush
Gregory: Obama wants to tax the banks who
Woodward: well they can afford it - they are giving out bonuses
Gregory: what does Bush think about Cheney going out and saying totally insane things?
Hughes: frankly he’s scared of Dick Cheney
Gregory: but what does he think?
Hughes: well I think Obama should have tortured
the underwear bomber
Gregory: you’re sick
Gregory: OMG a Democrat might lose in Massachusetts!
Halperin: that’s good news for Obama so he
can enact a weak health care reform bill
Woodward: Charles Krauthammer says Obama is a socialist
Gregory: I thought he was Kenyan
Hughes: he’s a communist
Podesta: I can’t believe Massachusetts will replace Teddy with a teabagging centerfold
Gregory: how do we defeat health care reform
Hughes: oh no I hope they don’t pass health care reform!
Gregory: not the briar patch!
Podesta: people said that about the same bill in Massachusetts but guess what they love it now
Hughes: but it still isn’t perfect so we should go back to the status quo
Gregory: even if it destroys America?
Hughes: it’s the Republican way Greggers
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