Wednesday, January 27, 2010

State of the Union Address - President Barack Obama

State of the Union Address
President Barack Obama
January 27, 2010
******************
Madam Speaker… I give you… the POTUS!!!

[ yay ]

Obama walks in, wearing a Nobel prize and
carrying an iPad

Pelosi: and heeeeeere’s Baraaaaaaaaaack!

Obama: thank you very much

Greetings, Madam Speaker, Joe, Senators, House members, all Congresspersons - you goddamm worthless motherfuckers!

All right anyone who is not a useless piece of shit can stay - everyone else leave the room

[ Biden stands up ]

Joe you can stay too

[ Biden sits down ]

[ everyone else gets up to leave ]

All right all right you useless shitheads sit
your asses back down

[ everyone sits down ]

And let me give a shout-out to our esteemed Supreme Court justices!

Oh did I say esteemed - I meant to say soulless hypocritical corporate whores

[ Scalia and Alito stand up, wave to Congress ]

Hey Jersey Shore - sit the fuck down

yes that's right I'm wearing my motherfucking Nobel prize - check it out assholes!

[ waves Nobel prize ]

yeah I'm done with teleprompters - I'm all about my iPad now dudes!

Obama: Bull Run, Bloody Sunday, the Depression, Pearl Harbor, the day they canceled Star Trek - America has been tested many times before

Now you all know I inherited 2 wars and a motherfucking Depression

So of course we bailed out the people who created the problem

Inexplicably, things are now even suckier than they were before!

I’ve have traveled across this nation and read
your letters and holy fuck is this country in some deep shit

Most moving are the letters written in crayon - so I would like ask Michele Bachmann to please stop

Obama: Americans are tired of pettiness

Joe Wilson: No!

Obama: sit the fuck down you ignorant cracker

Obama: Americans really want one thing - to avoid sliding into poverty and having to move into a black neighborhood

But the White House is a black neighborhood now fuckers so that’s why I have never been more hopeful for America!

[ yay ]

Obama: Now let’s talk about the motherfucking bailout!

I hated it - but goddammit let’s not forget Stupid created a crisis I had to deal with and we’ve gotten most of the money back!

[ yay! ]

Obama: so I propose a fee on the banks - they can fucking afford it, those slimy motherfuckers!!!!

[ yaaaaay ]

We cut taxes for 8 million people - do you hear me fucking teabaggers!?!?!?

We didn’t raise income taxes on anyone not anybody - can you grasp that you fucking lunatics???

[ yaaay ]

And we saved 2 million jobs thanks to my stimulus bill - that’s right shitkickers!!!

And so you can see I have single-handedly turned this economy around!!

However because I heard there may still be a
few unemployed people out there, and with the whole Scott Brown fiasco, I am calling for a brand new jobs bill

[ woo-hoo ]

Banks on Wall Street are now lending again, but mostly to other criminals - so I propose taking this
30 billion I found in the White House couches and
give to tiny little community banks like
the Building & Loan

[ yaaaay ]

You get a tax cut! You get a tax cut! Everybody gets a tax cut!!!

[ yaaaay ]

And we should have better trains than those damm Japanese!

[ muted clapping ]

and fewer tax breaks - but still some - for businesses located in the Cayman fucking islands!!!

[ yaaaay ]

So send me a jobs bill or I will come back here and crack some skulls!!

Having said that - we need to rules to prevent another lost decade which is why I am proposing a Constitutional Amendment saying no member of the Bush family can ever be President again!!!

[ yaaaaay!!]

Now the GOP says we have to wait to fix the economy but that would put us behind India and I am not going to stand here an listen to them bad-mouth the United States of Fucking America!!!

[ yaaaay ]

Which is why we need to skull-fuck the banks that caused the goddamm problem!!!

Now I will wave my finger and look tough - do I look tough - no seriously do I??

We need to solve our energy problem which means building new nuclear power plants, drilling offshore, clean coal, biofuels, and harnessing the power of Brett Favre!!

[ yaaay!!!]

Now I know there are really stupid fuckers who don’t believe in global warming and to them I grow a goddamm fucking brain and pull your heads out of your asses!!!

We need to export more products which is why I have hired a Chinese company to tell me how we can make shit people want!!

[ yaaay ]

Also we need to expand our empire and seek new markets, in Asia, Africa, and the Spice federation on Tatooine!!

[ yaay ]

The best anti-poverty program around is to be born into a rich connected family and rig the system in your favor!!

But since that is not realistic for people outside this room, I also propose better community colleges!

[ yay ]

and $10,000 in college grants and no more student debt after 20 years!!

students: oh woo

oh and we still need health insurance reform

[ yaaaaaaaay ]

I did not choose to take on health care reform to get a legislative victory or to be more popular.... OBVIOUSLY!

Ha anyway let me describe my plan in a simple 7 paragraph - oh hi there’s my pretty wife

[ yayayay]

where was I - oh right the CBO says my bill would reduce the deficit by 2 trillion dollars!!

GOP: deficits don’t matter

Obama: so I completely fucked up underestimating how selfish most Americans are - my bad, America!

But I will not walk away from insuranceless Americans and neither should you

So please Republicans take a breath and vote
for my plan

Or just send me your plan and I will sign that instead

So Congress just pass something so we can all move on all righty

[ yay ]

Now let me explain something to the extremely
dense out there

Clinton gave Bush a FUCKING SURPLUS and I inherited a FUCKING DEFICIT

I wonder if Fox news will report on that???

Oh did I mention I am trying to prevent a motherfucking DEPRESSION???

So tonight, as usual, Democrats will have to be the grown-ups and freeze spending long enough to get voted out of office, where Republicans will blow the budget all over again!!!

[ YAAAAY!!!]

So I will freeze spending except for Defense, Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security education and farming - that only leaves $20 billion spent on turning John Boehner orange all winter!

[ yay ]

Since you fuckers can’t even create a commission I will do it by executive order - yo Judd Gregg!!

[ yaaaay ]

Now Paul Krugman is probably freaking out - but this freeze won’t start until next year when the recession is over

[ boooo ]

hey zip it morons

Now we could of course just cut taxes and borrow the money and party all the time - but every time Republicans do that it wrecks the economy!

So let’s try so common sense fuckers!! Yeah a novel concept motherfuckers!!

The rumors are true, America - Washington doesn’t work - it’s bought and paid for by corporations - yeah I’m looking you - you fucking Supreme Court whores!!!

I’m not naïve - I’m know you are all untrustworthy snakes - that’s the very essence of our democracy

But Jesus Fucking Christ on a cracker you can’t filibuster every fucking procedure in fucking government!!!

I mean criminy people are showing up to my town meetings with fucking guns - so chill the fuck out Republicans

And Democrats - stop being such fucking pussies for god’s sake!!

And Republicans - if it really takes 60 votes to get anything done well then guess what - then you are responsible for not getting anything done!!

And while I am on the subject - GOP just shut the fuck up about national security and if you want a reminded go look at the hole in ground you created in New York City!!!

Yeah I’m killing people all over the world - don’t fuck with me people!

I am ending the Iraq war cause I am fucking
sick of it

Now let’s really support our troops and not just say we do!

And just like Superman I am going to rid the world of all motherfucking nuclear weapons!!!

Watch out Iran - Barack Hussein Fucking Obama is coming for you!!!

We’re giving out food, curing disease, and
helping Haiti!

America is about all people being equal so sometime in 2010 I will work with Congress on repealing
Don’t Ask Don’t Tell!!!

[ yaaay ]

Americans are hopeful, they have just lost faith in government, religion, business, schools,
the media… oh wait they AREN’T FUCKING HOPEFUL AT ALL!!!

Now I know people aren’t all into Hope and Change anymore but I never claimed to be your Magic Negro so I come here tonight to tell you this -- grow the fuck up America!!!

Sure I fucked up this year - but I am not alone - many, many, many, Americans are also totally fucking up and are also in complete denial about it!!

So my fellow Americans I don’t quit - I may get fired
but I won’t quit!!

Goodnight fuckers!!!
****************************

127 comments:

Emphyrio said...

Since this is likely to be nominated as post of the year, you should clean up the typos.

Anonymous said...

Now, there's a president I could get behind.

Trainwreck said...

Funny and classic.

steph said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nur-al-Cubicle said...

Wincingly, gnawingly and wittily true, culture.

sidhra said...

Kenyan eloquence.

Ralph said...

This post has been removed by the author.

Just kidding! You rock, Hilbert.

Obama for President, of some country whose selfish narrow-minded morons are even one IQ point less stupid and one percent less numerous than our own god-given supply.

slag said...

Personally, I don't think the phrase "you ignorant cracker" has gotten enough play at SOTUs in the past. I'm pleased to read that our current President has taken it upon himself to bring it back. That's leadership I can believe in. Now, if only he would use it on more members of the Senate.

res ipsa loquitur said...

I think he actually closed with, "Goodnight white fuckers!!!", but other than that, you pretty much captured the speech verbatim.

waldo said...

You forgot 'Hey Massachussets, stick Dickboy Brown up your ass'.

Anonymous said...

That bit near the end should be "harden the fuck up." (Search YouTube for "harden up" for the video.)

LittlePig said...

"Hey Jersey Shore - sit the fuck down"

Beautiful.

hizzoner said...

Best rendition of the speech I've heard yet! Actually, it's what he SHOULD have said.

Cranky said...

Hope Dave Chappelle makes a comeback. I can hardly wait to see his Black Obama impression. Looks like he might have a script writer...

Anonymous said...

Holy shit that was hilarious.

Deacon Blues said...

I don't know what CoT's day job is, but he should be working for TDS or Colbert. Nicely done, sir, nicely done indeed.

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Stop teasing me with the angry black mothafucka we could have had instead of this college professor.

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Well done!
=
I was looking back and I see you nailed Edwards at the 07 democratic debate.
""
Edwards: look I love Hillary - I'll never forget those six weeks in the summer of 1996 while Bill was off campaigning

El_Hornito said...

Absolutely brilliant transcript of last night's speech.

euripidouche said...

excellent work, i think after "jersey shore, sit the fuck down" you missed the admonishing of ruthie b ginso, something to the effect of the jabot she wears making her look even more like a cartoon buzzard.

Anonymous said...

@ Deacon Blues if not TDS or Colbert SNL really needs some help.

Steve in CO said...

Thank you, I needed that. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Well, it looks like that 20 years of being buddies with the Rev. Wright has sure had an impact!

James said...

I fucking love this. Please do the House GOP vs Obama Q&A!

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Lil said...

I came to read the Sunday funnies -- I never watch them any more, just read the translations -- and saw the SOTU. It's perfect! CoT you are my hero.

Rescate said...

Awesome. Came for the Sunday morning translations, stayed for the SOTU. Can only imagine what your writeup the Baltimore Retreat Q&A would be like.

IndieTarheel said...

Watched the actual speech, and I have to say you caught the essence of it perfectly. Bravo!

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