Sunday, September 27, 2009

Meet the Press with Bill Clinton - September 27, 2009

Guests:
Bill Clinton
Sen. Jim Webb
Sen. John Kyl
Gov. David Paterson
***********************
Gregory: What should we do with Iran?

Bill Clinton: Obama got Medvedev and the French all on board - it’s very impressive

Gregory: so do we go to war or appease them entirely?

Clinton: neither

Gregory: do you know what’s going on there?

Clinton: I know the Secretary of State in passing

Gregory: [ serious face ]

Clinton: and then there are the Chinese-

Gregory: do you like my serious face?

Clinton: it’s very nice

Gregory: so war with Iran - yes or no?

Clinton: we should look them in the eye and seduce them

Gregory: should we put 50,000 more troops in Afghanistan?

Clinton: maybe - we should do enough to take down al qaeda and the Taliban and also put in a democracy

Gregory: so how do we decide to launch a new war in this far off remote place?

Clinton: whether or not they hold a run-off election

Gregory: that seems quite peculiar

Clinton: nobody said running an empire while pretending you aren’t was easy

Gregory: fascinating

Clinton: there are Ghosts of Vietnam

Gregory: ooh we should get those Ghost Hunters from the SyFy channel to help!

Clinton: that’s a good idea [ scribbles on a napkin ]

Clinton: this is an away-game for the US military

Gregory: all this would be much easier if you could fight all our wars here in the US

Clinton: plus civil wars make much better tv shows

[ Clinton plays mournful fiddle ]

Gregory: what threat does Al Qaeda pose to the US anyway?

Clinton: they have proven that they can hijack three out of four planes in one day

Gregory: but nothing since then

Clinton: see how diabolical they are?

Gregory: since you left the Presidency you have been very focused on girls and women

Clinton: indeed

Gregory: what have you accomplished?

Clinton: we’ve saved 48 million lives and helped 200 million people

Gregory: yeah but you’ve never been on Dancing with the Stars

Clinton: yeah but dude if I did I would win and you know it

Gregory: is Obama lying by not telling people that he’s going to raise taxes?

Clinton: so you are taking an editorial position and then accusing him of lying by not agreeing with David Gregory’s position?

Gregory: that’s right

Clinton: what if he’s right and you’re wrong - wouldn’t that make you deceitful?

Gregory: [ looks confused ]

Clinton: Hillary told me you are a moron

Gregory: but the taxes!!

Clinton: calm down fluffy

Gregory: has Obama failed to sell government?

Clinton: they only thing he needs to do is deliver results

Gregory: has he asked for your help?

Clinton: sure but he’s pretty fucking smart

Gregory: is there a vast right wing hate machine?

Clinton: you bet - they accused me of murder and Obama of being the Kenyan Stalin

Gregory: so much fun

Clinton: but it’s not good for the Republican party to just be associated with screaming people waving pictures of Obama as an African witch doctor

Gregory: with there be another 1994?

Gregory: no because there are more Hispanic voters, 8 years of bad Bush years and Obama didn’t take on the gun lobby

Gregory: will you run for President again?

Clinton: I would be awesome [ daydreaming ]

Gregory: so yes?

Clinton: no that’s for Hillary now - I never knew being a free agent traveling the world would be so much damm fun

[ break ]

Gregory: Senator should we be terrified of Iran?

Kyl: talk is useless - we need to attack Iran now!!

Webb: look we’ve got Russia and Europe on board that’s a huge advance

Kyl: Iran is clearly planning on putting a nuke on a missile and hitting Kansas

Gregory: yikes

Kyl: the easy solution is to overthrow the government of Iran

Webb: he’s damm lunatic

Gregory: Ahmedinejad?

Webb: no Senator Kyl

Gregory: we all know that

Kyl: oh sure we could impose sanctions or whatever but we’ll probably need to go to war

Gregory: McChrystal says he needs thousands of more troops

Webb: sure but-

Gregory: OMG we need more troops now!!!

Webb: look fluffy Obama is right to ask exactly what we’re trying to accomplish and how we’re going to do it

Gregory: but the general has got such a nice uniform

Webb: we don’t want to be an occupying power but Afghanistan has never had a national army

Gregory: you want to impose a deadline

Webb: no I want to think very carefully before we commit to building a new nation in a mountainous desert nation of religious fanatics

Kyl: leave Utah out of this

Gregory: Condi Rice says if we don’t put in 40,000 more troops it will lead to another 9/11

Kyl: and she would know!

Webb: oh for god’s sake - are we know responsible for turning Afghanistan into a democratic paradise?

Gregory: but we defeated al qaeda in Iraq!

Webb: they weren’t there until we showed up!

Gregory: but-

Webb: and they left before the Surge!

Kyl: yeah but Al Qaeda is in Afghanistan and they love it there - and we can’t take any time to make the perfect decision - we need to rush headlong into an Asian war without thinking about it!

Webb: hey it’s only the opinion of one general who just got there

Gregory: did Obama make a mistake in doing the right thing on Gitmo?

Webb: jesus you really are fucker

[ break ]

Gregory: Governor Paterson Obama really knee-capped you

Paterson: the President never told me directly not to run

Gregory: c’mon didn’t the White House say don’t run

Paterson: well a lot of people have told me not to run

Gregory: was the White House one of them?

Paterson: maybe

Gregory: were you stunned that Obama told you not to run?

Paterson: I’m blind but not oblivious

Gregory: I see

Paterson: well I’m running for Governor anyway

Gregory: why are your polls so low?

Paterson: because we’re running out of money and I had to cut $30 billion

Gregory: 80% of New Yorkers don’t like you

Paterson: hey I bravely appointed a Lt. Governor

Gregory: wow

Paterson: I’ve been fighting the odds all my life dammit

Gregory: do you blame race for your bad press?

Paterson: no I don’t I think people should dislike me for many many other reasons

Gregory: Gov how will you balance the budget?

Paterson: I already did fluffy

Gregory: but you have a deficit

Paterson: hey at least I’m not cutting child care or letting people out of prison early like some other action-movie-bodybuilder governors I could mention

Gregory: before we go Governor do you like my hair?

[ fluffs hair ]

Paterson: It’s lovely David

This Week with George Stephanolopous - September 27, 2009

Guests:
Secretary of Defense Bob Gates
Senator John McCain
**********************
Stephanopoulos: Bob do we more troops in Afghanistan or not?

Gates: Gen. McChrystal has now told us that Afghanistan really really really sucks

Stephanopoulos: and this was news to you?

Gates: it came as a complete surprise

Stephanopoulos: how can you hold an election in a place run religious fundamentalists and other assorted lunatics and total wackos?

Gates: I’m not here to talk about Florida

Stephanopoulos: right

Stephanopoulos: is there a rift between the uniformed military and Team Obama?

Gates: no not at all - Obama can bring all people together

Stephanopoulos: but waiting to surge may be putting our soldiers at risk!

Gates: in a war zone? - oh no!

Stephanopoulos: so how do we destroy the Taliban?

Gates: we have to be really close to the ground - maybe underneath it

Stephanopoulos: how many people do we need to kill?

Gates: but George it’s not just about killing - it’s about a new approach and a strategy

Stephanopoulos: like what?

Gates: make new friends by painting smiley faces on our missile-firing drones

Stephanopoulos: ah

Stephanopoulos: what will success in Afghanistan look like?

Gates: it will look like what we’ve done in Iraq

Stephanopoulos: a widely despised occupying power trapped in a quagmire?

Gates: but with soft ice cream!

Stephanopoulos: Will Obama apologize to Iran?

Gates: let me quote the President: fuck that shit

Stephanopoulos: but maybe the Iranians have a peaceful nulear program

Gates: well then why not let IAEA inspectors in like Saddam did?

Stephanopoulos: look how well that turned out for him

Gates: fair point

Stephanopoulos: Iran is close to break-out!

Gates: that means they have enough uranium to later enrich if they could do it and then later hypothetically build a bomb

Stephanopoulos: maybe

Gates: we’re seeing destabilization in Iran like we haven’t seen since the US overthrew the government the last time

Stephanopoulos: fascinating

Gates: severe sanctions might lead to an Iranian revolution

Stephanopoulos: that should work out great

Gates: I’m looking forward to it

Stephanopoulos: what about Gitmo?

Gates: it’s a happy place

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: do you still think Gitmo should be closed?

McCain: yes but I what I really want to do is whine that Obama is doing everything right but that’s still bad

Stephanopoulos: I’m not following

McCain: Gitmo makes the U.S. look brutal and that’s bad but - let’s not rush into our new non-brutal image

Stephanopoulos: Afghanistan?

McCain: I would remind you that Iraq was in flames and in total chaos almost as bad as Afghanistan and the surge worked

Stephanopoulos: wow it sure sounds like our empire-building is really going great

McCain: our friends in the region are getting nervous

Stephanopoulos: what friends?

McCain: our new allies like al qaeda

Stephanopoulos: ever since Obama became President we realized that debt is bad and our troops are very stressed

McCain: the best way to relieve the stress on our troops is put them back in combat and let them win

Stephanopoulos: really?

McCain: our troops are very fragile and it will be 10 years before they recover mentally if we don’t kick more ass in Afghanistan

Stephanopoulos: don’t our troops just want to come home to their families?

McCain: no they want to stay forever and ever or they will be very depressed for a decade or two

Stephanopoulos: if you say so

McCain: [ crazy laughter ]

Stephanopoulos: Afghanistan is way fucked up

McCain: even the President’s brother is an embarrassment

Stephanopoulos: but that’s normal in American politics - Billy, Roger, Marvin

McCain: exactly

McCain: look I get that crazy lefties don’t want a wasteful 10-year war but Abraham Lincoln burned Atlanta which proves you can’t make a freedom omelette without breaking a few thousands eggs

Stephanopoulos: well put
*******************************

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Meet the Press with Barack Obama - September 20, 2009

Meet the Press
September 20, 2009
Guests:
Barack Obama
Eugene Robinson
Roger Simon
*****************
Gregory: welcome and thank you for coming President Barack - do you like my hair?

Obama: tick tock, dipshit

Gregory: sorry - Bam what exactly is your health care plan?

Obama: cut premiums, eliminate pre-existing conditions, fewer costs, cap out-of-pocket expenses and be deficit neutral

Gregory: what unpopular things will you do?

Obama: I’ve already made alot of tough choices

Gregory: like you finally told those dirty public option-loving hippies to fuck off - and I loved it!

Obama: no I didn’t liar

Gregory: ok so what will you do people will hate?

Obama: I’m going to force people to buy health insurance

Gregory: yeah but that’s easy - health insurance is cheap

Obama: no it isn’t

Gregory: [ blow drys hair ] sorry what?

Obama: and I conceded on tort reform and many other Republican ideas

Gregory: but when are you really taking on the dirty leftist hippies???

Obama: maybe you haven’t been paying attention but I gave the GOP everything they wanted!

Gregory: but you haven’t resigned!

Obama: um,, no

Gregory: or put hippies in internment camps where they belong!

Obama: give me another six months

Gregory: is Jimmy Carter right that all your opponents are racists?

Obama: no - some of them are just out of their fucking minds

Gregory: but just to be clear are you saying there is no racism in America or that everyone in America is a racist?

Obama: Rahm Emmanuel told me you were a moron

Gregory: but you’re blackness is so controversial!

Obama: this is catnip to idiots like you

Gregory: could this lead to violence?

Obama: let me put it this way

[ punches Gregory in the face ]

Gregory: ow!

Obama: the loud crazy person seems to get all the attention from the media these days

Gregory: but we have to cover famous mentally ill people -- that's people are talking about!

Obama: i suppose the first Congressman to call me a nigger will get on the cover of Time magazine

Gregory: i can see it now - "Racist or Just Having Fun?"

Obama: apparently the easiest way to get on tv is be a rude obnoxious asshole

Gregory: not all the protestors were like that

Obama: I was talking about you

Gregory: oh that gives me a sad

Obama: calm down Fluffy

Gregory: Afghanistan?

Obama: we’re going to kick al-qaeda ass and if we can’t do that then we’re going to get out

Gregory: who is going to win the World Series?

Obama: the fucking White Sox

Gregory: but they suck

Obama: ok the damm Yankees

Gregory: ooooh

[ break ]

Gregory: Boner - I dare you to say something non-stupid

Boehner: Big Government arble garble

Gregory: are you conservatives all racists?

Boehner: Big Govgarble babaabbaabafrmf merrrgle

Graham: Obama accused Republicans of lying so we had to call him a Nazi

Gregory: but Grassley really was a liar

Lindsay: the President is clearly an unhinged lunatic screaming all the time and being all combative by saying he wouldn’t tolerate liars - that was a slap in the face to the GOP

Gregory: no offense but you people come across as frankly crazy and we’re all worried about another Oklahoma City

Lindsay: well people carrying guns and committing bombings is quite understandable when Obama is proposing a very high budget

Gregory: that justifies calling Obama Hitler?

Bohener: cap and trade - people are scared to death!!

Gregory: to death?? over that??

Boehner: he’s a socialist and he’s going to destroy the country and people are really really really scared!!

Gregory: George Bush left this country a wreck and all you can do is scream about Marxist and compare Obama to Pol Pot

Boehner: no we have great ideas like ending malpractice lawsuits and letting people buy health insurance on the market

Gregory: that’s it?

Boehner: Obama never invites me to the White House
[ starts sobbing ]

Gregory: don’t cry boney

Boehner: this plan will fail

Gregory: so what the fuck are you crying about?

Boehner: [ sniffles]
he needs to hit the reset button

Gregory: Lindy what does the President need to do ?

Graham: he needs to get off the tv and give the Republicans what they want

Gregory: why is Obama failing?

Graham: he keeps telling people what they want to hear and that’s why people are rejecting him

Gregory: tell me about Afghanistan

Graham: we need to leave with security and honor and then hand it all off to that loser Karzai

Boehner: [ sobbing ]
all he talks about is going after al qaeda that is a very big change and I’m very concerned

Gregory: stop crying for god’s sake

Boehner: but there’s something amiss here
[ wipes tears ]

Gregory: Obama rejected missile defense which doesn’t work

Graham: it’s a total capitulation to the Russians and Iran and we’ve abandoned the little Czechs

Gregory: speaking of sleazey Republicans what about Sanford?

Graham: if we get rid of him they’ll just be another one

Gregory: hey Tom DeLay is Dancing with the Czars - what a second act!

Boehner: you should go on with Karl Rove

Gregory: that would be so cool!

[ break ]

Gregory: Eugene Robinson you say that a lot of the teabagging weirdos are racists

Robinson: undoubtedly - every time you go to one of these rallies the nuts show up claiming he shouldn’t even be President and he's a British-Indonesian Muslim born in Kenya

Gregory: but people said also Bush was not legitimately elected

Robinson: well he wasn’t it

Gregory: and they attacked Clinton and said he wasn’t legitimate

Robinson: that was irrational too

Simon: Jimmy Carter is a fucker - we’re not going to heal racial wounds by pointing out that insane lunatics have been relentlessly attacking the President and send each photoshopped e-mails of Obama as an African witch doctor

Gregory: Has Obama failed to sell government?

Simon: Obama believes entirely in Big Government - that’s who he is

Robinson: jesus people come to rallies bashing government health care and they are on Medicare - they’re completely crazy

Gregory: Is Obama right that the media is full of fuckers?

Simon: we cover bullshit because we brings the truth to the people

Robinson: it’s hypocritical to say the media are shallow and stupid and then go on tv

Gregory: Obama knee-cappped Gov. Paterson!

Simon: shocking - what happened to melanin-solidarity!?

Gregory: Huckabee 2012!!

Robinson: yeah good luck with that
*****************

This Week with George Stephanolopous with Barack Obama - September 20, 2009

This Week with George Stephanolopous
September 20, 2009
Guest: President Barack Obama
****************
Stephanolopous: are you going to raise taxes on middle class families?

Obama: the blood sucking insurers already impose their own vampire tax on every American!

Stephanolopous: that is true but-

Obama: we’re going to cover everyone and not add to the deficit

Stephanolopous: how?

Obama: I’m going to nuke Maine and Montana

Stephanolopous: but the higher taxes!

Obama: we’re going to set up a pool for health care exchange with tax credits and make people have health insurance

Stephanolopous: that’s a tax increase!

Obama: no it isn’t

Stephanolopous: yes it is!

Obama: hey dipshit no one can opt-out health care in the ER so we all bear that cost

Stephanolopous: but Merriam-Webster!

Obama: you’re so fucking desperate to call it a tax increase you ran to the dictionary like a big baby

Stephanolopous: but your critics say-

Obama: -say I’m motherfucking Hitler and Stalin Mao and Kanye West all in one - who gives a fuck?!?

Stephanolopous: will you cut Medicare Advantage?

Obama: only for white people

Stephanolopous: are you very angry for Jimmy Carter saying there are racists when we all know racism is gone forever?

Obama: look idiot I know there are lot of racists and fools out there but I think even racists will take health care from a black man when they’re dying!

Stephanolopous: people are terrified you impose a White Person Tax

Obama: by the time my Presidency is done I’m going to get the Teabaggers join the fucking NAACP they’re going to love black people so much!

Stephanolopous: so you don’t hate your critics?

Obama: no we all love America and are all patriots

Stephanolopous: [ puts flag pin on forehead ]

Obama: nice flag dood

Stephanolopous: will you cut off funding for ACORN?

Obama: oh for pete’s sake - what a weasel you are

Stephanolopous: but ACORN-

Obama: no one gives a shit but Fox News asshole

Stephanolopous: ok Afghanistan

Obama: finally a real question

Stephanolopous: how do we win?

Obama: we’re going to crack some fucking skulls

Stephanolopous: tell me about when you realized you are a terrible president

Obama: not to be immodest but there have been times when I realized that I am a little too awesome

Stephanolopous: that must be hard

Obama: of course it’s hard to break through all the Nazi-talk

Stephanolopous: what do you mean

Obama: it’s easy to get on tv if you are rude and stupid

Stephanolopous: that’s not a nice thing to say about Charlie Gibson

Obama: fuck him

Stephanolopous: thanks for talking to me

Obama: shithead

*********************************

Sunday, September 13, 2009

60 Minutes with Barack Obama - September 13, 2009

*************

Kroft: you finally resorted to using your jedi mind powers on Congress this week

Obama: it was a last resort

Kroft: can you get GOP votes

Obama: i'm still black - so no

Kroft: you said in your campaign you could get crazy people to agree with each other

Obama: well when i was young i unified white people from Kansas and Africans but the GOP in Congress are out of their fucking minds

Kroft: are you willing to cap malpractice judgments?

Obama: it might help medical practice or not

Kroft: i meant for journalists

Obama: oh

Kroft: the trial lawyers own Congress

Obama: fuck you

Kroft: well that's what the GOP says

Obama: dick

Kroft: you promised the moon and to do it for free

Obama: that's right

Kroft: how can we have health care and pay for it?

Obama: because, stupid, we are already spending the money right now - we're just wasting it

Kroft: you are a crazy big spending liberal

Obama: fuck you

Kroft: you nationalized the auto industry

Obama: no really fuck off

Kroft: but

Obama: fuck. off.

Kroft: but

Obama: Bush was the fucking socialist not me

Kroft: but i get the sense that some people are just worn out with the idea of your melanin

Obama: that's true

Kroft: i mean it's fatiguing every day we wake up the President is still a damm negro

Obama: i know i know

Kroft: people ask you - michael jackson changed his skin color why can't you?

Obama: people do ask that

Kroft: so why not do it?

Obama: MJ was a loon

Kroft: he had a gold casket!

Obama: uh huh

Kroft: Bush brought us the unity of 9/11 and you divided the nation

Obama: yeah

Kroft: were you surprised Joe Wilson yelled out at you?

Obama: yeah I'm black in America - it was a total shock

Kroft: what happened next?

Obama: he followed me around a department store

Kroft: this is a fascinating story

Obama: no it takes away from the debate on health care

Kroft: health care brings out the worst in people

Obama: no the real controversy is helping people and not purposefully killing them

Kroft: so you failed to bring civility back to Washington

Obama: let me put it this way - fuck you

***************************

Meet the Press - September 13, 2009

Meet the Press
September 13, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Durbin
Sen. Cornyn
Howard Dean
Newt Gingrich
********************
Gregory: Dick what will Congress give us on
health care reform?

Durbin: we are going to enact reform and we’ll pass it over the dead rotting corpse of the GOP

Gregory: are going to go for the brass ring or
settle for tiny gains?

Durbin: the big one Greggers - believe it fucker

Gregory: will I have a free facelift by turkey day?

Durbin: pencil it in Fluffy

Cornyn: What do Obama’s plan and his birth certificate have in common?

Gregory: I don’t know

Cornyn: no has seen either one

Gregory: ha

Cornyn: Obama has only paid lip service to
GOP ideas

Gregory: he gave you everything you wanted!

Cornyn: but only in a speech!

Gregory: what if they were in the law?

Cornyn: it would still be a boon the Democratic party so no I could never support it

Dean: We are going to pass a law and it’s going to
be awesome

Gregory: by ramming it through!

Dean: ram this Fluffy

Gingrich: sure Obama said he hates illegals but where are the internment camps, I ask you?!?

Dean: I just remembered something - no one gives a shit what Newt Gingrich thinks

Gregory: let’s all have a good beltway laugh at the idea of hippies and their little public option

Durbin: I heard you are were a moron - it’s all
over town

Gingrich: that’s true

Gregory: [ high pitched voice ] but it can’t pass
the senate!!

Durbin: yes it can

Gregory: but the Crazy Left!!!

Dean: can it Fluffers

Cornyn: Obama cannot guarantee you will never lose your health insurance!!!

Gregory: but that can happen now!

Cornyn: yeah but it won’t because there is no decent alternative

Gregory: Rep. Wilson had an insane outburst
- did that help or hurt?

Cornyn: this is not the time for Wilson to act crazy
or for Dems to point out that he is crazy

Gregory: Obama is going to break the deficit!!!

Dean: we’re already giving massive subsidies
to health insurers now stupid

Gingrich: elderly Americans are getting high quality government health care now - which is why we can never had government health care

Dean: we’re a great nation - of course we can do this!

Gregory: [ screaming] you’re going to raise taxes!

Dean: you want to yell dancin’ dave - let’s do it!!! Yeeeaaaah!!

Cornyn: Obama will cut health care for the elderly and raise taxes

Gregory: so will you pledge to never ever ever raise taxes?

Durbin: you know Dave Obama’s plan will permit brain transplants which is good news for you

Gregory: oh my god Obama is going to make me buy health insurance - what say you Newt Gingrich!!

Gingrich: indeed this is incredibly dangerous - when taxes go up dramatically America will perish

Gregory: middle-class Americans should be allowed to go without health insurance to prove this is great country!

Dean: well then maybe we should have a
public option

Gregory: but the Hippies!!

Durbin: Jesus Christ Gregory - sick poor people go to emergency rooms to get treatment now - what the fuck is your problem??

Cornyn: it’s easy to provide free health care in white state like Vermont but Texas has a lot of brown people and it’s difficult to provide universal care while weeding them out at the same time

Gregory: what’s the solution?

Cornyn: private for-profit health care has white bias so it works very well

[ break ]

Gregory: Todd is Obama back in control?

Todd: yes - and in fact he’s got the GOP scared

Gregory: I was so impressed by how cuddly John Cornyn was this morning

Todd: he’s one of their most articulate and best looking morons

Gregory: Rep. Wilson is crazy and is against government take-over of health insurers and their beloved bureaucrats

Todd: indeed

Gregory: this is a truly unified grass-roots bunch of bought-and-paid-for lunatics

Burnett: well the GOP needs to do something or it will kill businesses

Ramo: Obama’s got to lead and compromise at the same time

Gregory: why can’t Obama solve the problem of health care easily and without costs??

Todd: indeed they are trying

Burnett: they are going to raise taxes probably on the rich

Gregory: please tell me that public option is dead

Todd: they will put a gun to the head of the insurers to keep them in line

Gregory: Josh it turns out that unemployment is bad - it’s another 9/11 - it’s scary!!

Ramo: it’s terrifying

Gregory: oh my fucking god!!

Ramo: we’re worse than Europe!

Gregory: [ sobs ]

Burnett: Obama says we can recover with green jobs

Gregory: except for Van Jones who they fired

Ramo: those jobs are going boys and they aren’t coming back

Gregory: oh noe

Ramo: short answer: we’re fucked

Gregory: that’s bad in an election year

Todd: indeed in response to a crisis they created we must elect more Republicans

Ramo: we just hit an all-time record of people who just can’t get a job at all

Gregory: they should become talk show whores

Ramo: and the gambling on Wall Street is worse
than ever

Burnett: Housing prices are going to down another 25% with 50% under water

Gregory: [ gurgle ]

Todd: the good news is that Congress will address housing problem but the bad news is that Congress will address the housing problem

Gregory: Should Obama call Derek Jeter and ask him over for a beer ? He’s such a cool guy!

Burnett: you have a man-crush - that’s cute

Todd: fuck that shit - only the Yankees could make a national story of a Yankee breaking a Yankee record

Gregory: [ thumbs tiger beat magazine ]

Well that’s all we have for this week - Derek call me let’s hang
***************

This Week with George Stephanolopous - September 13, 2009

September 13, 2009
Guests:
HHS Secretary Sebelius
Sen. Rockefeller
Sen. Landrieu
Gov. Pawlenty
*********************
Stephanolopous: Tim are you really a
crazy Tenther?

Pawlenty: no but Mitt Romney is an idiot so
that proves that Obama is a failure

Stephanolopous: I don’t follow

Stephanolopous: we need to recognize that the federal government lacks the resources to run a large scale health care system - they should leave that to sophisticated entities like Alabama

Sebelius: yeah that makes sense

Stephanolopous: can’t we just get rid of the
public health care option

Rockefeller: no we really need a public option - it’s the only thing that can work

Stephanolopous: Mary so what’s wrong with
a public option?

Landrieu: it would be too successful

Stephanolopous: why is that bad?

Landrieu: it would hurt health insurers who have given me a lot of money

Stephanolopous: what about President Snowe’s trigger idea?

Landrieu: no that is a bad idea too - we have to
give for-profit insurers to get this right

Stephanolopous: they haven’t had a chance for the last 50 years yet?

Landrieu: no they’ve been forced to act like rapacious blood-suckers but now we let them be nice - Free the Insurers!

Stephanolopous: abortions for none and
mini-American flags for all?

Pawlenty: we must force poor women to keep
their little fetuses

Sebelius: oh absolutely - it’s like we’re doing them
a favor

Landrieu: I agree with the fetus-americans but this is a real crisis - and it’s expensive and we must do something and we must do something now!

Stephanolopous: except an affordable public option

Landrieu: yeah except for that

Pawlenty: Why would we trust the same people who brought us Medicaid and Medicare to create more health care programs - that’s crazy!!!

Stephanolopous: but those are very successful
and enormously popular

Pawlenty: that’s my point - do you know how much this would hurt the Republicans?!?

Rockefeller: dimwit

Pawlenty: Obama wants to cut Medicare
for the elderly!!

Sebelius: that’s a lie - we’ve had sting operations
in Detroit

Stephanolopous: how did that go

Sebelius: it was great - it had Redford and Newman and a score by Marvin Hamlisch

Stephanolopous: excellent

Landrieu: we’re not going to cut money from Medicare

Stephanolopous: but what if Pawlenty is right
and you did?

Pawlenty: it just won’t work [ waves picture of Obama with Hitler mustache ]

Landrieu: jesus and people think I’m a hack

Pawlenty: Medicare is going bankrupt!

Rockefeller: the fucking Ophthalmology lobby
owns Congress

Stephanolopous: Rep. Wilson acted like a total jackass this week - so let’s spend time addressing his racist concerns

Sebelius: look the law requiring people to carry papers and language to create the new concentration camps for illegals is all spelled
out in the bill

Pawlenty: Republicans believe in small government - so we need a new national secret police force checking people’s identity papers

Stephanolopous: everyone would have to carry biometric ID all the time or risk dying in ER?

Pawlenty: no not all -- they would be arrested too

Stephanolopous: I don’t know if the American people will go for that

Pawlenty: why do you hate liberty and freedom?
[ puts on Lee Greenwood pin ]

Stephanolopous:
[ puts on giant flag pin on his forehead ]
I’m just saying it seems to put the burden on
people to prove they are citizens which is not in the American tradition

Pawlenty: it would only apply to brown people

Stephanolopous: oh well ok then
****************

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Obama Address to Congress Sept. 9, 2009

Obama:

Speaker Pelosi, Senator Reid, thanks for inviting to this
our National House of Spineless Jellyfish and Assorted Fuckers!

Obama:

Men, Women, and Lindsay Graham!

Senators Imhofe, Coburn, Vitter, Craig and Rep. Bachman - I haven’t
seen such a bunch of twisted weirdos and cuckoos since that Sid
and Marty Krofft Convention in Zurich!

Bachmann: where’s the birth certificate, barry!?

Obama: hey if American wanted to hear from a batshit crazy lady
they would have voted for Sarah Palin - now shut up

Bachmann: woo

Obama: Ok Congress - I have come here tonight to address you
sad sorry pack of bought-and-paid-for motherfuckers

Baucus: oooh

Obama: do not adjust you tv set - I’m black

Bachmann: oh my

Obama: hey you rich pampered fuckers - we are the only advanced democracy that allows people to die because they are not rich to afford blue crosses motherfucking premiums!

Congress: [standing ovation]

Obama: sit the fuck down

Obama: you can die from motherfuckin’ acne!!

Congress: [standing ovation]

Obama: meanwhile employers can’t afford to buy this wonderful insurance which sucks anyway

Obama: some crazy Leftists think we should be like Canada - but we ain’t no maple syrup eating lumberjacks!

Obama: so maybe we should retain the status quo

Congress: [ standing ovation, applause ]

Obama: get your asses down

Obama: we have done a lot of work and there is that lazy ass motherfucker Max Baucus

Baucus: grrrrr

Obama: hey stupid people - I'm going to repeat this we're going end preexisting conditions, expand coverage, and quality afford colonscopies!

Insurers: up the ass again - awesome

Obama: in 4 years we will create a health insurance exchange funded by tax credits which will be very useful unless you have no income

congress: yay

Obama: and some vague John McCain proposal

McCain: [ rictus grin ]

Obama: so everyone now has to buy health insurance but if you're really poor you will get a special Hardship Waiver

Poor Americans: yippee

Obama: Sarah Palin would be laughable if she weren't trying to destroy the democracy of a great fucking nation!

Congress: yeehaa

Obama: we will not insure illegals!

Congressman: you lie!

Obama: you just bought a one-way ticket to kick-ass town

Obama: i love insurance companies - i just want them to do the right thing

Insurers: good luck with that

Obama: but we could also offer Pubic Option

Craig: Yeeaaahh!!!

Obama: but don't worry - it will be just as evil and ridiculous as regular insurers

Insurers: whew!

Obama: it would like a public university

Insurers: but those are really popular

Obama: but it's for sale so don't worry

Audience: ah

Obama: I agree with Republicans that everyone should get quality health care!!

Republicans: did we say that

Obama: yes you did motherfuckers!

Obama: George fuckin' Bush left me with a whole heap of debt and bullshit!

Cantor [twittering]: mom let me stay up late

Obama: i will not let Republicans destroy Medicare!!

Congress: wheeeeee

Obama: fine you want tort reform you can have it - Katie Sibelius is going to kick that can down the road

Obama: we will spend less than on Stupid's bullshit wars

Bush [at home, drunk]: aww shit fuck you Bammy

Cheney: shut up Stupid

Bush: u shuddup dick

Obama: I will not work with you fucking liars and crazy people anymore - go play somewhere else

Crazies: garble birth certificate erble hitler grrrrrr socialist mmmmmm nigger

Obama: yeah you

Obama: Teddy was right - this was a moral issue

Obama: Ted worked McCain, Hatch, Grassley and other senile white men and they always did what Teddy wanted

Teddy: damm fucking right

Obama: Republicans' obsession with lies and smearing un-american - they are, in other, unpatriotic insane utter brain dead motherfucking lunatics

Congress: [ sustained applause ]

Obama: good night fuckers!!!

************************

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Meet The Press with David Axelrod - September 6, 2009

Meet The Press
September 6, 2009
Guests:
David Axelrod
Tom Brokaw
Tom Friedman
Harold Ford
Rudy Guiliani
****************************
Gregory: Axel R shouldn’t we just start over
with health care?

Axelrod: no we’ve had months of debate and now it’s time to set forth Obama’s ideas and what he’s willing to compromise on

Gregory: people are scared and terrified
of socialism!

Axelrod: well that’s stupid

Gregory: I’m frightened

Axelrod: look fluffy we’re going to offer people
real choices

Gregory: so is Barack going to insist on
a public option?

Axelrod: well it’s like you David Gregory
- it’s an Important Tool

Gregory: that’s not nice

Axelrod: ok a Valuable Tool

Gregory: what’s his idea?

Axelrod: wants an Insurance Exchange - it would like a Gun Show but with Chemotherapy and Vicodin instead of Glock and Smith & Wesson

Gregory: but then you lose moderate Republicans like Olympia Snowe and radical Republicans like Max Baucus

Axelrod: Public option shouldn’t define the whole debate - there’s other good ideas like a cap on out of pocket expenses so sick people would be impoverished but not actually broke

Gregory: Did Obama lose control of the health
care debate?

Axelrod: he thinks if you just do the right
thing results will come

Gregory: ha

Axelrod: we’re going to tell insurers to start
treating people better

Gregory: There is a national firestorm of controversy saying Obama wants to speak to children as a black President

Axelrod: Barack told me you were a moron

Gregory: [high pitched voice ] how did you lose control of the debate - what happened here!?

Axelrod: what happened is some lunatic
somewhere said something and you started hysterically shrieking

Gregory: did Obama fire Van Jones?

Axelrod: yes but once we fire him the wingnuts
will cease their smear campaigns thank god

Gregory: but Van Jones said controversial things!

Axelrod: like demanding the President’s
birth certificate?

Gregory: ha you funny

Gregory: what about Afghanistan?

Axelrod: we’re going to destroy al qaeda!

Gregory: isn’t Obama a hypocrite if he doesn’t pull out of Afghanistan like he called on Bush to pull out of Iraq?

Axelrod: god you’re stupid

Gregory: thanks very much

[ break ]

Gregory: tell me about health care Tommy

Brokaw: OMG TARP and TALF stimulus and auto bailouts and a trillion dollars - it’s all too expensive!

Gregory: Harold you’re the liberal here - so
please bash Obama

Ford: my liberal friends want to spend a lot just to help people - that’s crazy

Gregory: good point

Guiliani: Obama wants to kill grandma and also won’t cut costs

Gregory: right

Guiliani: the best solutions is to have 50 states competing with each other, tax cuts and ending lawsuits

Gregory: wow that’s brilliant

Friedman: once the GOP said Obama wanted to
kill old people that ended the discussion

Gregory: of course

Friedman: I was kidding Greggers - the GOP are
hate filled and evil

Guiliani: Once the President refused to limit lawsuits he basically said he wanted to murder the elderly

Brokaw: half of health care is already government-run

Guiliani: that’s right - the U.S. government is an illegal monopoly!

Audience: we’ve reached Peak Stupid

Ford: the Republicans wouldn’t work with Obama - he tried and they accused him of genocide

Guiliani: they had to say that after he wouldn’t even consider more tax cuts for the rich

Gregory: that’s only fair

Gregory: I hear Obama is going push this through with an anti-democratic majority

Brokaw: the Mayo Clinic wants to be paid for performance - like an extra $100 for life they save

Gregory: [ high pitched voice ] bailouts and spending - wow suddenly when a Democrat is President this seems like a lot of money!!

Friedman: why can’t he push a bill through - half of Obama’s proposals are Republican ideas!

Guilaini: look this is very simple - all Obama had to do was propose a massive tax cut and require poor people to spend money on insurance and the GOP would love it

Gregory: [ high pitched voice ] OMG Obama has created a firestorm by speaking to students!!

Brokaw: you know Greggers Tim Russert told me you were a true moron

Gregory: but I’m really freaking out here!! this reminds me of when liberals hated George W. Bush

Guiliani: I thinks it’s too bad that Obama has been so controversial it’s sad

Ford: if the President speaking to students is fucking bad I don’t want to be fucking right

Friedman: Fluffy - let me blunt. You Are Flat Out Stupid

Gregory: Anyone would say that Van Jones is
a bad man

Friedman: we live an age of Firestorms and people are held responsible for every stupid thing they twitter

Gregory: [ twittering ]
i think tom friedman sed I am stupid

Brokaw: these darn internets and bloggers - frankly we live in a great Age of Bullshit

Friedman: we’ve been in Afghanistan since 2001 and since a Democrat got elected I just realized that it’s a bad idea!

Gregory: omg that’s scary!

Friedman: we need to win hearts and minds there - and we all know that for America to try that is hopeless

Gregory: Rudy you were Mayor of NYC - tell me about Afghanistan

Guilaini: I like Obama’s plan and support it completely

Audience: dear god

Guilaini: Bush failed by focusing so much on killing people in Iraq and not killing enough people in Afghanistan

Ford: we have an obligation to stay there forever because we love those little Afghans

Brokaw: Afghanistan is a remote disconnected country of crazy tribes

Gregory: so not like the U.S. at all

Guilaini: we have to do whatever it takes to crush terror in a far off land

Gregory: what if it costs as much as health care?

Guilaini: 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11

Friedman: misgovernance and corruption and unemployment produce radicalism

Gregory: Is this America or Afghanistan?
*******************

This Week with George Stephanolopous - September 6, 2009

This Week with George Stephanolopous - September 6, 2009
Guests:
Robert Gibbs
Bob Dole
Tom Daschle
Rep. Maxine Waters
Rep. Mike Pence
**********************

Stephanolopous: Bob Van Jones rang the resign chimes at midnight - is he the victim of a smear campaign?

Gibbs: yes

Stephanolopous: so why quit?

Gibbs: he’s too fiery and black

Stephanolopous: but Obama is black

Gibbs: well that’s all the country can handle
right now

Stephanolopous: Is Obama going to give us some health care details?

Gibbs: right he will draw more lines in the sand than Tom Hanks in Castaway

Stephanolopous: will he work his Jedi magic?

Gibbs: after that speech people will realize that these are not the health insurance reforms they are looking for

Stephanolopous: public option - yes or no?

Gibbs: look even if we enact it it will only an option for a small number of people - we won’t unfairly compete against the happy little insurance companies

Stephanolopous: then it sounds somewhat useless

Gibbs: the government will take the uninsurable off the insurers hands

Stephanolopous: ooh epic win

Gibbs: we’re close to reform and public option is a valuable idea

Stephanolopous: but he won’t veto it a plan
without it

Gibbs: he might

Stephanolopous: but then Obama won’t get
any GOP votes

Gibbs: well then the GOP will be fucked in 2010

Stephanolopous: Senator you are incredibly old and not in office - please bash Obama for me

Dole: this is a nasty 1200 page law - there’s no pudding or Matlock!

Stephanolopous: so what’s the answer?

Dole: back in 1994 we used to say 5 bees for a dollar and I was wearing an onion on my belt that was the style-

Daschle: Bob makes a lot of sense - we have an opportunity to improve health care and provide Americans with a full public pudding option

Stephanolopous: How is preemptively conceding defeat working out for you?

Daschle: oh it’s going great

Stephanolopous: Maxine you are very radical - only 80% of the people support a public option

Waters: with all due respect to Senator Ancient McOldypants I’m actually in the motherfucking Congress

Stephanolopous: Pence you are trying desperately
to stop reform

Pence: not at all - it’s just that my people hate the idea of government running a health plan

Stephanolopous: but the government won’t take over the health care system

Pence: but if you offer business the chance to put their employees on a good plan of course the small business will take it

Stephanolopous: so how is that bad?

Pence: you have no health insurance if your employer can cancel it at any time!

Stephanolopous: but that could happen now!

Pence: yes but all the current options suck so bad - people are stuck with the plan they have- but if a good option is offered they will be doomed to a good government plan!

Stephanolopous: what’s you solution?

Pence: just let people shop around for health insurance like hamburgers or video games

Dashcle: so you oppose it because it would
be popular?

Dole: no we also hate it because it would
hurt insurers

Waters: oh well ok then

Dole: I think we will get a lot of Republicans voting for this bill

Stephanolopous: even with a public option?

Dole: no

Pence: look the whole world is spiraling out of control - we’ve got government taking over national defense, health care for old people, a black president-

Waters: what’s in your bill?

Pence: ending lawsuits against doctors

Stephanolopous: Grouchy - you want Petraeus
for President

Dole: I dunno he reminds me of Ike - not well informed but he looks snappy in a uniform

Stephanolopous: good enough
************