Sunday, August 02, 2009

Meet The Press - Larry Summers, August 2, 2009

Meet The Press
August 2, 2009
Guests:
Larry Summers
Harold Ford
JC Watts
***************
Gregory: Larry is the recession over?

Summers: remember we were looking at another great Depression and now the rate at which we are losing jobs is high but declining

Gregory: yippee?

Summers: the stimulus and cash for clunkers programs are working great and it’s all due to my and Timmy and that Obama dude

Gregory: when do I feel rich again?

Summers: most professional forecasters predict slow growth for the next few years

Gregory: when do jobs come back

Summers: that lags, so maybe 2017

Gregory: will you extend unemployment benefits?

Summers: hell we’ll hire them all if we have to

Gregory: doing what?

Summers: hosting white house beer parties

Gregory: will you make the banks start lending -
after all you gave them free billions

Summers: we will write them strongly-worded letters

Gregory: Larry you signed the stimulus in February and yet still unemployment has rose into July!

Summers: David will all due respect that is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard

Gregory: but I have a high-pitched panicky voice

Summers: you’re moron and a liar too fluffyhead

Gregory: wait is fair to call me a liar when I
have such nice hair?

[ fluffs hair ]

Summers: yes it is because you are dumb
as a stump

Gregory: you call me a liar but 2 million jobs have been lost

Summers: look we didn’t know just how bad a President Bush was - that has nothing to do with the fucking stimulus you stupid shithead

Gregory: so will the stimulus plan create four million jobs or not?

Summers: no it will save 4 million jobs that would have been lost if the plan had not been enacted so we count everyone how has a job who might have been laid off

Gregory: since I am suddenly worried abut the debt will you cut spending?

Summers: we’re going for the big money which in
this country is spending on health

Gregory: no I meant the stimulus which actually helps people

Summers: then the answer is no
you Republican shill

Greogry: but but but

Summers: no we’re not going to repeal painting schools or solar energy

Gregory: can there ever be growth with
this level of debt?

Summers: cutting the deficit in half is easy - just computerize medical records, grab money from overseas and tax blow dryers

Gregory: oh no!

Summers: just kidding there Greggers

Gregory: Do we need another stimulus bill?

Summers: hey we’re barely got the party started on the first one

Gregory: [ puts on party hat ]

Summers: we’ve got to stick the plan that’s working

Gregory: there’s growing public opposition to health care reform

Summers: oh really - prove it

Gregory: well that’s what all-American groups
like the RNC says

Summers: hey dumbass four Committees have voted out a health reform bill

Gregory: but Obama is losing the argument

Summers: [ leans over, punches Gregory
in the face ]

Gregory: Ow that hurt!

Summers: listen fool Bush passed a huge drug benefit bill
in secret and never even tried to pay for it

Gregory: but the CBO says you’re health plan doesn’t turn a profit - but what about the deficit deficit deficit

Summers: hey we’re being conservative and fiscally responsible compared to Nixon, or Regan or Bush I or Bush II - we’re being scrutinized more than President ever

Gregory: well sure you’re Democrats

Gregory: are the big banks socially responsible?

Summers: for soulless greedy destructive satanic
entities they’re doing very well

Gregory: well I feel better

Gregory: would you like to be Chair of the Federal Reserve

Summers: if I were I could roll around in giant piles of money - so yes

Gregory: wheeee

Gregory: How is Obama doing?

Ford: He’s doing fucking great!

Gregory: but all political fights have not gone away!

Watts: the American people are angry that
only 10% of the stimulus has been spent

Ford: oh bullshit JC

Gregory: the President’s poll numbers are down!

Balz: in fairness he’s trying to solve all of Bush’s problems

Gregory: well he sucks

Balz: I talked to 12 people in Maryland and they have concerns that we still have not nuked Iran

Gregory: I can’t believe we still have continuing debate about the role of government!

Johnson: I have a key insight - people want a government that works

Ford: Max Baucus has an awesome bill - we have to push this bill or the GOP wins

Watts: the people are very worried about cap and trade and also we don’t the government to come between the sacred relationship between a patient and their health insurance adjuster

Gregory: so what’s the answer?

Watts: people have to stop eating food
and drinking water

Johnson: it took the assassination of JFK, RFK, King, and Malcom X to enact Medicare

Gregory: if only Obama was more like John Edwards he might have been elected President

Balz: Obama is trying to find the right way to sell a good, efficient, money-saving life-giving, health care system

Gregory: wow who can possibly do that?

Johnson: Obama is cool but he can also be a fiery black man when he is pushed and that’s dangerous

Ford: Look people hated George W. Bush but the country is still the same - a bunch of petty greedy people who need to be told they are going to die if they don’t enact the President’s plan

Gregory: hey look I just noticed JC Wats and Harold Ford are black

Watts: yeah sure you did white man

Balz: did you know that Obama is black?

Gregory: no!

Balz: no really - the President’s choice to come out as a black man at his press conference was an interesting one

Ford: I’m not black

Gregory: really because it thought you wer-

Ford: nope

Watts: hey I was the only black man in the Republican Congress I know what uncomfortable is!

Gregory: how can I help with a Republican comeback and defeat Obama

Balz: Hopefully the GOP can win in New Jersey and then we can hope the economy is bad in 2010 and that will help - on the other hand they are leaderless and have no ideas

Gregory: why did they choose Sarah Palin

Johnson: it was a reach around that failed

Gregory: Palin / Watts 2012?

Watts: Man Dancin' Dave I heard you were a moron but I didn’t know you were crazy too
*********************

5 comments:

Douglas Watts said...

Excellent !!!

Susan said...

This is very funny, and much, much better than watching the real thing, but you would not suffer from a kindly editor doing a typo check. Thanks!

filkertom said...

Hee.

[snort][chuckle][guffaw]




Snerk.

Tammy said...

Now if we can get 6 year olds to read this on TV it would be like watching the real deal

Ralph said...

Susan, I kind of like the typos in this context. But that is an acquired taste.

Strangely (and this is true), my contributions to Wikipedia are almost all tiny little nitpicking corrections such as fixing typos.