Meet The Press
August 2, 2009
Gregory: Larry is the recession over?
Summers: remember we were looking at another great Depression and now the rate at which we are losing jobs is high but declining
Summers: the stimulus and cash for clunkers programs are working great and it’s all due to my and Timmy and that Obama dude
Gregory: when do I feel rich again?
Summers: most professional forecasters predict slow growth for the next few years
Gregory: when do jobs come back
Summers: that lags, so maybe 2017
Gregory: will you extend unemployment benefits?
Summers: hell we’ll hire them all if we have to
Gregory: doing what?
Summers: hosting white house beer parties
Gregory: will you make the banks start lending -
after all you gave them free billions
Summers: we will write them strongly-worded letters
Gregory: Larry you signed the stimulus in February and yet still unemployment has rose into July!
Summers: David will all due respect that is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard
Gregory: but I have a high-pitched panicky voice
Summers: you’re moron and a liar too fluffyhead
Gregory: wait is fair to call me a liar when I
have such nice hair?
[ fluffs hair ]
Summers: yes it is because you are dumb
as a stump
Gregory: you call me a liar but 2 million jobs have been lost
Summers: look we didn’t know just how bad a President Bush was - that has nothing to do with the fucking stimulus you stupid shithead
Gregory: so will the stimulus plan create four million jobs or not?
Summers: no it will save 4 million jobs that would have been lost if the plan had not been enacted so we count everyone how has a job who might have been laid off
Gregory: since I am suddenly worried abut the debt will you cut spending?
Summers: we’re going for the big money which in
this country is spending on health
Gregory: no I meant the stimulus which actually helps people
Summers: then the answer is no
you Republican shill
Greogry: but but but
Summers: no we’re not going to repeal painting schools or solar energy
Gregory: can there ever be growth with
this level of debt?
Summers: cutting the deficit in half is easy - just computerize medical records, grab money from overseas and tax blow dryers
Gregory: oh no!
Summers: just kidding there Greggers
Gregory: Do we need another stimulus bill?
Summers: hey we’re barely got the party started on the first one
Gregory: [ puts on party hat ]
Summers: we’ve got to stick the plan that’s working
Gregory: there’s growing public opposition to health care reform
Summers: oh really - prove it
Gregory: well that’s what all-American groups
like the RNC says
Summers: hey dumbass four Committees have voted out a health reform bill
Gregory: but Obama is losing the argument
Summers: [ leans over, punches Gregory
in the face ]
Gregory: Ow that hurt!
Summers: listen fool Bush passed a huge drug benefit bill
in secret and never even tried to pay for it
Gregory: but the CBO says you’re health plan doesn’t turn a profit - but what about the deficit deficit deficit
Summers: hey we’re being conservative and fiscally responsible compared to Nixon, or Regan or Bush I or Bush II - we’re being scrutinized more than President ever
Gregory: well sure you’re Democrats
Gregory: are the big banks socially responsible?
Summers: for soulless greedy destructive satanic
entities they’re doing very well
Gregory: well I feel better
Gregory: would you like to be Chair of the Federal Reserve
Summers: if I were I could roll around in giant piles of money - so yes
Gregory: How is Obama doing?
Ford: He’s doing fucking great!
Gregory: but all political fights have not gone away!
Watts: the American people are angry that
only 10% of the stimulus has been spent
Ford: oh bullshit JC
Gregory: the President’s poll numbers are down!
Balz: in fairness he’s trying to solve all of Bush’s problems
Gregory: well he sucks
Balz: I talked to 12 people in Maryland and they have concerns that we still have not nuked Iran
Gregory: I can’t believe we still have continuing debate about the role of government!
Johnson: I have a key insight - people want a government that works
Ford: Max Baucus has an awesome bill - we have to push this bill or the GOP wins
Watts: the people are very worried about cap and trade and also we don’t the government to come between the sacred relationship between a patient and their health insurance adjuster
Gregory: so what’s the answer?
Watts: people have to stop eating food
and drinking water
Johnson: it took the assassination of JFK, RFK, King, and Malcom X to enact Medicare
Gregory: if only Obama was more like John Edwards he might have been elected President
Balz: Obama is trying to find the right way to sell a good, efficient, money-saving life-giving, health care system
Gregory: wow who can possibly do that?
Johnson: Obama is cool but he can also be a fiery black man when he is pushed and that’s dangerous
Ford: Look people hated George W. Bush but the country is still the same - a bunch of petty greedy people who need to be told they are going to die if they don’t enact the President’s plan
Gregory: hey look I just noticed JC Wats and Harold Ford are black
Watts: yeah sure you did white man
Balz: did you know that Obama is black?
Balz: no really - the President’s choice to come out as a black man at his press conference was an interesting one
Ford: I’m not black
Gregory: really because it thought you wer-
Watts: hey I was the only black man in the Republican Congress I know what uncomfortable is!
Gregory: how can I help with a Republican comeback and defeat Obama
Balz: Hopefully the GOP can win in New Jersey and then we can hope the economy is bad in 2010 and that will help - on the other hand they are leaderless and have no ideas
Gregory: why did they choose Sarah Palin
Johnson: it was a reach around that failed
Gregory: Palin / Watts 2012?
Watts: Man Dancin' Dave I heard you were a moron but I didn’t know you were crazy too