Meet The Press
August 9, 2009
James L. Jones - U.S. National Security Adviser
Mike Bloomberg - Mayor of New York
Cory Booker - Mayor of Newark
Gregory: Tell me about Kim Jong-Il - is he as crazy as I’ve heard?
Jones: Bill Clinton reports that he had a conversation with him and he’s actually less insane than Sarah Palin
Gregory: but he has nuclear weapons
Jones: all we want is for the nutjob North Koreans to rejoin the little happy family of warlike nations
Gregory: any chances of that happening?
Gregory: Whose idea was it to send The Big Dog to Korea?
Jones: Kim Jong Il said if Bill Clinton agreed to come to my country and give me some tips on women he would let the journalists go
Gregory: it’s a win-win
Jones: he has a man-crush on Bubba
Gregory: I know how that is - I love Karl Rove
Gregory: Henry Kissinger says this sends a signal a visit from Bill Clinton proves that Korea is accepted by all great nations
Jones: hey the Big Dog is visited Little Rock High School and no one wants Arkansas to have nukes either
Gregory: it’s like a J.L. Rowling book - Barack Obama and Power of the Clenis
Jones: the Clenis recently killed 2 terrorists in Pakistan
Gregory: I feel safer already
Gregory: what’s the endgame in Afghanistan?
Jones: Total security, safety, economic prosperity and rebuilding the country so people will love living there
Cory Booker: Jesus I’d like to see that in Newark
Jones: Cory I’m not a miracle worker
Gregory: what about those American hikers in Iran
Jones: don’t get me started those idiots
Gregory: how do you deal with Ahmedinejad?
Gregory: Al Qaeda?
Gregory: world hunger?
[ break ]
Gregory: wow the airspace over the Hudson river is a fucking free--for-all!
Bloomberg: yeah but the good news is now that we know you can land a jet in the river it’s like a having a 4th airport
Gregory: Holy shit Cory the jobless rate in Newark is off the hook
Booker: true but our hope to create a whole new Green economy in Newark
Gregory: like how?
Booker: solar panels, double pane windows, and tilting at windmills
Bloomberg: let me just say in defense of Cory that Newark sucks
Bloomberg: we set aside a few billion for a rainy day fund
Gregory: and has that helped New York city?
Bloomberg: I was talking about my family
Gregory: has the stimulus helped America?
Bloomberg: yes but it will take more than that to recover from the Bush economy
Gregory: should I condemn Obama for breaking his promise not to raise taxes or bash him for not raising taxes?
Booker: how the hell should I know - I’m trying to compete with Mumbai and 3 hospitals just closed!
Gregory: so you are saying that Obama should raises taxes on the middle class?
Booker: I heard you were a moron
Gregory: is Obama a terrible President for refusing to raise middle class taxes for which I could then attack him?
Bloomberg: I know it kills you to hear this Greggers, but Obama is going a good job
Gregory: so I hear you saying Obama should raise taxes on the poor
Bloomberg: whatever fluffyhead
Gregory: so we must raise taxes on people other than me and rich friends
Bloomberg: we could also cut defense and health spending
Gregory: that’s crazy talk
Gregory: How can you defeat the NRA - they have all the guns!
Bloomberg: the NRA has $50 million and I have $15 billion
Booker: I’m not concerned about the law-abiding hunters - I’m worried about terrorists buying rocket launchers
Gregory: talk to me about my favorite pet issue: the swine flu
Bloomberg: suck it up Greggers - I’m exposed to much worse every day on the subway
Booker: forget the sniffles - kids today are too fat
Gregory: Bloom you want to be Mayor for Life
Bloomberg: that’s how I roll
Gregory: Cory Booker says you should shave your head
Bloomberg: I’m down with the homies
Booker: I endorsed Bloomberg even though he’s a Republican or Democrat or whatever he is this week
Gregory: Cory why is Corzine losing?
Booker: look the Bush economy sucks and we will hang George W. Bush around Christie’s neck until it sinks him
Gregory: I never covered protests of the war but wow look at these crazy people protesting health care reform!
[ shows tapes of right-wing lunatics ]
Brooks: wow I never heard Rush compare people to Nazis - Limbaugh really is insane
Gregory: have you been living in cave Brooksie?
Brooks: but Obama could have avoided all this if only he had done everything the insurance industry wanted
Gregory: that is so sad
Brooks: it’s tragic
Gregory: [high pitched voice] people are really concerned about reform!
Burnett: the American people want arbitrary bipartisan health care reform - it doesn’t matter what it does
Gregory: of course
Burnett: people really want costs cut - also they are terrified that Obama will cut costs
Meacham: it’s all Obama’s fault that people are calling him Hitler
Gregory: Sarah Palin objects to having her baby killed by a death panel
Brooks: oh sure, make the GOP look bad by citing a few fringe crazy people the Republican vice presidental nominee
Gregory: Obama is going to reframe this as defending patients against insurers
Meacham: that could work
Gregory: unemployment is getting better!
Burnett: while it is true that Obama is doing better than could possibly be hoped - it’s terrible we don’t yet have a plan for the year 2012!
Brooks: Obama should have cut taxes instead he had this complex stimulus bill which costs a lot - he knows nothing about economics like I do
Gregory: he did Cash For Clunkers which is a success
Brooks: that was great - but cutting taxes magically doesn’t add to the debt so he should have done that instead
Burnett: no Cash For Clunkers sucks too because it isn’t perfect
Gregory: Wow Bill Clinton rescued those journalists and hugged Al gore
Meacham: Clinton and Gore are gay ha ha ha ha
Gregory: hee hee
Meacham: North Korea is an enemy of epic proportions!
Meacham: also we need the Clenis to rescue a Newsweek correspondent
Gregory: I’m sure he’ll get right on that considering your coverage of his Whitewater and Monica
Meacham: oh shit
Gregory: Brooks what’s the answer in North Korea?
Brooks: we need to violently overthrow the whole regime
Gregory: I love it when a Republican who would lose a fight to Dakota Fanning talk tough
Brooks: [sings] I’m bad, I’m bad!
Gregory: and that’s all from this edition of meet the press