Sunday, May 17, 2015

This Week with George Stephanopoulos – May 17, 2015

Terry Moran
Pierre Thomas
Dan Abrams
Michael Morell
Robert Sumwalt – NTSB

Stephanopoulos: omg the Delta
force killed the Vice President of ISIS

Moran: it was incredibly brave

Stephanopoulos: who was he?

Moran: he was in charge of sales
he was the Pete Campbell of ISIS

Stephanopoulos: wow he really was a prick

Moran: but why risk a dangerous
ground operationwhen drones can
flown by one guy in Vegas in a la-z-boy

Expert: we wanted him alive!

Moran: but he fought back
which was a big surprise

Stephanopoulos: didn't see that coming

Expert: the delta force had to
resort to hand-to-hand combat

Stephanopoulos: that is fucking badass

Moran: no Americans were killed
and they captured some laptops
Stephanopoulos: that's great

Moran: but they six-month
old Dells so they don't work

Stephanopoulos: too bad

Moran: the US sent a message
to ISIS – you are not safe anywhere!

Stephanopoulos: was this mission
a failure because he wasn't taken alive?

Morell: it would have been nice to
torture him for a while but at least
we got his wife

Stephanopoulos: that's something

Stephanopoulos: welcome Michael

Morell: hi George

Stephanopoulos: what's
the deal with ISIS?

Morell: ISIS wants to unleash
bubonic plague on America

Stephanopoulos: holy shit

Morell: but we've taken
back 25% of Iraq from ISIS

Stephanopoulos: well okay then

Morell: but we're not
getting anything done in Syria

Stephanopoulos: what's you greatest fear?

Morell: spiders and the dark and clowns

Stephanopoulos: no I mean about ISIS

Morell: if ISIS detonates a nuclear
bomb on the mall of America

Stephanopoulos: aren't you a ray of sunshine

Morell: it's a dangerous world Steph

Stephanopoulos: thanks for coming

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: holy shit that Amtrak crash!

Reporter: there's been unreliable reports
of a projectile hitting the windshield

Stephanopoulos: tell me more

Reporter: other trains may have been hit too

Stephanopoulos: gollly

Reporter: but that doesn't 
explain why the train suddenly 
accelerated to 100 mph

Stephanopoulos: that is odd

Reporter: politicians are already
calling for more speed limit 
signs on the tracks

Stephanopoulos: problem solved then

Amtrak CEO: we're installing safety
mechanisms any day between now and 2020

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: welcome Mr Sumwalt

Sumwalt: hi George

Stephanopoulos: did someone
shoot at the windshield of the train?

Sumwalt: probably not

Stephanopoulos: what caused the crash?

Sumwalt: we've called for cameras
in the cockpit in the past

Stephanopoulos: that's not what I asked

Sumwalt: we asked for the
driver's cell phone records

Stephanopoulos: you have no idea do you

Sumwalt: no

Sumwalt: we will install safety
brakes some day

Stephanopoulos: well thanks

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: whats is the FBI doing?

Thomas: the FBI science lab is on the case!

Stephanopoulos: is that the same one
that lied for years about hair samples?

Thomas: that's the one

Stephanopoulos: Dan talk legal to me

Abrams: crashing a train isn't
necessarily a crime

Stephanopoulos: if you say so

Abrams: Congress passed a law capping
damages for train corporations no matter
how much people have suffered

Stephanopoulos: that sounds like them

Stephanopoulos: so will Tsarnaev
appeal this death penalty forever?

Abrams: three jurors believed he was
influenced by his brother but they didn't care

Stephanopoulos: is that legally relevant?

Abrams: technically it doesn't
matter but it's interesting

Stephanopoulos: and now I would like to
announce that I should have disclosed
that I donated to the now infamous
Clinton charity to avoid even
appearance of a conflict of interest
and I apologize to both viewers who care

Audience: and now we know
what it takes to get a political
talk show host to apologize – Clinton cooties

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: omg Jeb Bush said
he would invade Iraq for no reason

Cruz: my god that stupid

Paul: what a moron

Jeb: I misheard!

Jeb: okay maybe I wouldn't
have but maybe I would still

Jeb: you know I probably wouldn't

Karl: is Jeb too stupid to be President?

Stephanopoulos: Democrats are 
fighting over trade!

Reporter: liberals are in open
rebellion against the President!

Obama: c'mon people!

Warren: what about the workers?!

Clinton: ¯\_()_/¯

Reporter: Hillary Clinton
won't take a side!

Ellison: she has to take
the side of working people!

Stephanopoulos: she made too
much money in speaking fees!

Reporter: she made $24 million which is sad

Stephanopoulos: so terrible

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