Sunday, May 17, 2015

Meet The Press – May 17, 2015

Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ)
Sen. Rand Paul (R-TN)
Robert Sumwalt – NTSB
Richard Engel
Tom Costello
Helene Cooper
Thomas Friedman
David Axelrod
Sara Fagan

Todd: omg there is a war in
Ramadi against ISIS

Todd: although the US killed an
ISIS commander and captured his wife!

Engel: that was strange because
the US usually just bombs ISIS

Engel: but this time U.S. boots invaded
Syria with soldiers' feet in them

Engel: the US attacked on Friday
evening which was smart because
all the ISIS leaders were busy
watching the Mad Men Marathon

Engel: the guy we killed was in charge
of ISIS finances including their five-year
plan for vicious beheadings and being
bombed out of existence

Engel: but he fought back and
there was hand to hand fighting

expert: first you get the money guy
then you take down the whole organization

Engel: they got his laptops and
his wife and his dog and he's
really gonna miss that dog

Engel: Delta force even freed a Yazidi
woman they were keeping as a slave!

Todd: those bastards

Engel: but we're still losing the war

Todd: was the guy Delta force
killed important?

Engel: he was like Al Capone's accountant

Todd: I saw that movie with Kevin Costner

Engel: but U.S. forces went into deep
to ISIS territory which is a psychological blow

Todd: but they wanted him alive

Engel: yeah but they rattled
ISIS going into their heartland

Todd: was this a test of intelligence?

Engel: no it was the real thing

Todd: okay

Engel: this was a snatch
and grab operation!

Todd: pretty cool

Engel: if the soldiers had been caught
they would have been burned alive on tv

Todd: well that's scary

Engel: it sure is

[ break ]

Todd: hello Mr Sumwalt

Sumwalt: morning Todd

Todd: what has the FBI found?

Sumwalt: it's not the FBI's investigation
 – it's ours!

Todd: I see

Sumwalt: it's ours! all ours!!

Todd: okay okay

[ break ]

Todd: was this terrorism
or utter negligence?

Costello: hard to say – even if your
windshield it hit with a brick you don't
turn the train into that flying machine
from Back to the Future III

Todd: I suppose not

Costello: on that very spot Teddy
Roosevelt's train was hit by a bomb

Todd: well that's Philadelphia for you

Costello: they threw rocks at Santa's sleigh

Todd: so what's the solution?

Costello: Trains are adding
more speed limit signs

Todd: that should fix everything

[ break ]

Todd: welcome Senator Booker

Booker: hi Chuck

Todd: was this ISIS raid a success?

Booker: sure it was – we killed a terrorist

Todd: it would seem so

Booker: but it will take years
to take down ISIS which we already knew

Todd: Democrats are politicizing
this train crash which is terrible

Booker: just because these deaths
could have been avoided by requiring
simple safety measures

Todd: don't get snide Cory

Booker: China is investing in
infrastructure and we're not!

Todd: I hear they're building a huge wall

Booker: the fiscally conservative thing
to do if your a homeowner or a business
or a nation is to invest in yourself

Todd: but it's not fair to blame this
crash on lack of funding which liberals
are doing because they're mean

Booker: a pothole on the Pulaski
skyway swallowed up a family of four!

Todd: what with rents in New 
Jersey that's not bad

Booker: it's totally unacceptable!

Todd: only elitist rich liberal 
Democrats ride trains

Booker: also hobos

Todd: Republican are self sufficient
real rugged men who drive pickup
trucks to the gun range

Booker: maybe but hundreds of
millions of people live on the east and west coasts

Todd: those people are all rail-riding snobs

Booker: not to mention that's where
all the jobs and economic growth

Todd: you are a political
rock star so why are you so boring

Booker: I am working on  
bipartisan law on over-incarceration 
and I don't care if that's no sexy 
enough for Dana Milbank

Todd: very little is for Dana

Booker: I see

Todd: you star is dimming Cory

Booker: I don't care Ted

[ break ]

Todd: so panel do we believe
the government's ISIS-killing fairy-tale?

Cooper: how did they know the
ISIS wife was a wife and not
a slave or receptionist?

Todd: good question

Cooper: but everyone loves Delta force!

Todd: we must have worked with Assad

Friedman: I seriously doubt that Todd

Todd: so they really killed this guy

Friedman: there's always a 
Number Two man to kill

Friedman: also ISIS took the city of Ramadi

Todd: Democrats are the worst
by calling for more money for rail safety
after a crash caused by bad rail safety

Axelrod: yeah it's terrible

Todd: Democrats are grandstanding!

Fagan: Democrats are shameful!!

Todd: it's sickening!

Fagan: Amtrak doesn't make
a profit unlike the U.S. highways

Friedman: traveling from Hong Kong
to America is like going from the
Flintstones to the Jetsons

Todd: or like when Gilligan's Island
went from black and white to color

Friedman: Penn station is a travesty

Todd: compared to the
Port Authority it's a godamn palace

Jeb: I'm proud of my dumb brother!!

Todd: he's loyal but a bit stupid

Jeb: sure I'd invade Iraq
for no reason at all!

Todd: this week he botched
the Iraq war question five times

Q: would invade Iraq based on lies?

Bush: you betcha!

Todd: then the world was 
all like what the fuck

Bush: I might have have invaded or not

Todd: that was bad so he tried again

Bush: of course I have
done some things different

Todd: that was a little better

Bush: okay okay I wouldn't have invaded

Cruz: the Iraq war was stupid!

Christie: what a dumbass!

Santorum: even George W. Bush said
that the was a mistake and he's the idiot
who started the war in the first place

Todd: how did Team Jeb screw this up?

Fagan: he handled this question
very well considering people thousands
of people died for no reason

Todd: he is just like Hillary Clinton
fumbling her defense of her Iraq war vote

Clinton 2007: I didn't vote for war!

Clinton 2014: I got it wrong plain and simple

Todd: what can Jeb learn from Hillary?

Axelrod: Jeb has had ten years
to get ready for this question and
he gave five bad answers

Todd: it's a problem

Axelrod: what's worse is he's still 
being advised by Paul Wolfowitz  
and other assorted war criminals

Fagan: You could argue that the civil 
wars in Syria and Iraq and Iran
getting a nuclear bomb are a result of 
Obama pulling out of Iraq

Cooper: you argue all that happened 
because of the invasion in the first place

Axelrod: also Iran doesn't have a nuclear bomb

Fagan: Obama lost the Iraq war!

Friedman: the middle east is a disaster

Todd: we all know that Tom

Friedman: we're in a post-colonial era
and these mysterious people of the
orient are going to have to learn
to govern themselves

Todd: how do we get them to do that?

Friedman: no one seems to have
an answer for our post colonial era
the primitives are running amok

Todd: truly the white man's burden is a terrible thing

[ break ]

Todd: wow 22% of people have abandoned god thanks to Obama

Todd: that's a quarter of the population
there are as many who are anti-religion
as there are catholics

Audience: not counting overlap

Todd: it's good news for Democrats
because anti-religion crowd are 
all godless liberals

[ break ]

Todd: welcome Senator Paul

Paul: when we invaded Iraq we
created chaos and emboldened Iran

Todd: that's old news Randy

Paul: but we should also ask Clinton
if we should have gone into Libya

Todd: I'll be sure to do that

Todd: Marco Rubio still says the
Iraq war may have been a bad idea
but Saddam was a bad man

Paul: well he's a fucking idiot

Todd: so you love Saddam!

Paul: no I hate ISIS

Todd: clever

Paul: we need to have a debate if
maybe invading other countries
can sometimes be bad

Todd: well that's pretty fucking obvious

Paul: well I still need
to say it apparently

Todd: would you ever start
a war to prevent another country
from getting a nuclear weapon?

Paul: yes but I prefer negotiations

Todd: you're weak!

Paul: we negotiated with the Soviets

Todd: yeah but they beat the Japanese

Paul: look we can't fight a war with Iran

Todd: you say Iran shouldn't
trust America because we toppled Qaddafi

Paul: yes because of Hillary Clinton
Iran will build a nuclear bomb and kill
everyone in Israel and then Chattanooga

Todd: how about that Patriot Act?

Paul: bulk collection has been ruled illegal

Todd: true

Paul: just go to a judge
and get a warrant

Todd: they did

Paul: yeah but they should
have individualized warrants

Todd: those are so old-fashioned

Todd: would you dismantle the NSA?

Paul: the NSA spends too much time
collecting bulk information and therefore
didn't catch the Tsarnaev brothers

Todd: wait so are you for arguing
for more spying on Americans or less?

Paul: I'm for spying on the guilty Americans

Todd: which ones are they

Paul: oh I think we know

Todd: you think the best teachers
should have one million students but
you also hate national standards
that's a contradiction!

Paul: people living in the jungle can
learn calculus off the Internet

Todd: all right

Paul: this will not come from the government

Todd: but there will be no local control

Paul: I want to see homeless kids in
Madagascar taking classes at Harvard
like Obama did when he was
living in a village in Kenya

[ break ]

Todd: Hillary won't take questions!

Axelrod: she should probably
do that at some point

Todd: Bill is the face of campaign!

Fagan: Obama campaigned on
change” because you guys
knew Hillary was dishonest

Axelrod: actually George Bush had been
President for eight years when Obama ran

Fagan: George who?

Todd: Hillary Clinton can't talk about
the poor because she has money

Friedman: I loved Bill in 1992 because
he had a very strong message –
'I'm a triangulating Democrat'

Todd: Helene you covered
Clinton for years – what's
her vision for the world?

Cooper: I have no idea
and I'm perplexed why I don't know

Fagan: she invaded Libya!!

Todd: I love Mitt Romney for
taking his shirt off at 68 years old

Copper: he looks great!

Todd: kudos to him!

Fagan: he is so awesome!

Todd: and that's another
episode of Meet The Press