Sunday, August 30, 2009

Meet the Press - August 30, 2009

Meet The Press
August 30, 2009
Maria Shriver
Sen. John Kerry
Kathleen Kennedy Townshend
Bob Shrum
Doris Goodwin
Gregory: Maria did you enjoy the funeral?

Shriver: it was great to see the outpouring of affection for Uncle Teddy

Gregory: I knew he was a great legislator but I never knew he such a fun guy to be around

Shriver: yeah sorry he never invited you to Nantucket but Tim Russert ranked higher than you

Gregory: so sad for me

Shriver: Ted had been through a lot and people knew that he understood suffering and human weaknesses

Gregory: how is everyone doing?

Shriver: I’ve lost 2 relatives in 2 weeks how do you think I’m doing Fluffy?

Gregory: he was a force of nature

Shriver: we all thought he would live forever

Gregory: you lost you mother too

Shriver: yes but they lived a long and time and fought the good fight over many decades

Gregory: amazing

Shriver: They never gave up and we’ve lost sight of that in the country - they think Obama should solve all of the problems Bush created overnight

Gregory: what did Ted think of Obama

Shriver: he thought Obama would finally get a lot
of this shit done

Gregory: was this an awesome year for Teddy?

Shriver: yes except for the dying part it was pretty good

Gregory: that’s nice

Shriver: he got to see how much people loved him and that’s another lesson for all of us

Gregory: The Kennedys made it because of him

Shriver: he became the family rock and that’s pretty incredible when you think about it

Gregory: what did he think about all he accomplished

Shriver: he took the good and he took the bad and accepted them both as what he had

Gregory: those are the facts of life

Shriver: indeed

Gregory: how did his Italian heritage shape him?

Shriver: he was Irish

Gregory: whatever

Shriver: people loved him because the Kennedys didn’t want to be rich or famous

Gregory: truly admirable

Gregory: are the Kennedys finished?

Shriver: when you are a Kennedy you can
only live your life and have it end in its own
uniquely tragic way

Gregory: so is it the end of an era?

Shriver: it’s Schwarzenegger time!

Gregory: Was he the hardest working man
in Congress?

Kerry: he just like James Brown - he was sweaty
and a great dancer

Gregory: what did Ted teach you?

Kerry: he taught me that all politics is not
local but personal

Gregory: so how did he change you?

Kerry: he loosened me and taught me to have fun

Gregory: are you kidding?

Kerry: yes I used to be deadly serious and ponderous - not happy go lucky like I am now

Gregory: dear god

Kerry: speaking of fun - Ted often though he would be assassinated and suffered a massive amount of loss, the war, with the shootings, the murders, the accidental deaths, the funerals, the fatherless children….

Gregory: truly you are a barrel of laughs

Gregory: you are now the senior senator
from Massachusetts

Kerry: fucking finally!!

Gregory: what happened to bipartisanship?

Dodd: fuck that - what happened to civility?

Gregory: Ever since Bork conservatives were forced to say liberals hate America

Dodd: look we put 300 Republican amendments on the health care bill - what the fuck else do they want?

Gregory: Ban all black Presidents?

Dodd: Teddy went through so much goddam tragedy and his strength was a lesson for all people, not just politicians - for example I have to work with James Inhofe every day and yet I still get up in the morning

Gregory: who should succeed him?

Kerry: we need a 60th vote right now to enact health reform or risk betraying Teddy’s legacy

Gregory: that seems so shrill

Kerry: this was the people’s senator

Gregory: and what are you

Kerry: hey ketchup heirs need representation too

MTP: so were you nervous when you first appeared
on the Meet The Press

Ted Kennedy: hell yes - Jack quizzed me and
I freaked out

Gregory: you were the longest serving guest in history

Kennedy: damm right Greggers

MTP: Iraq war?

Kennedy: all lies and bullshit!!

Russert: do you regret never being President?

Kennedy: do you regret being a pompous ass?

Gregory: Doris where does Ted rank?

Goodwin: he’s the greatest legislator of our time and maybe the best Senator of all time

Gregory: how so?

Goodwin: he was a legislator, an orator, and fighter for a cause, and he did local politics as well
which is amazing

Gregory: Bob he was never President

Shrum: at first he regretted it but then Obama got elected and he was thrilled

Gregory: why

Shrum: he always wanted to see a non-citizen occupy the White House

Gregory: Ted got the last word with his letter to the Pope which I will read now

Shrum: now you see how smart Ted Kennedy was

Gregory: Ted wrote that he atoned for his sins and asked for universal health care

Townshend: the Catholic faith is a Church of Sinners

Gregory: excellent

Shrum: He treated ordinary people like they were heads of state - and that’s why people loved him

Goodwin: he absorbed the pain and his mistakes and became more generous and stronger

Gregory: Teddy Jr made me cry

Townshend: that story was very moving

Gregory: no I realized I will never be that eloquent

[ sniff ]

The Chris Matthews Show - August 30, 2009

Matthews: OMG - television changed made us afraid of communism, took down Joe McCarthy and brought Bobby Ewing back to life!

Fineman: Under McCarthy decency was destroyed by a bunch of paranid unhinged right-wing lunatics

Matthews: thank god that could never happen again

Norris: in 1968 crazy shouting screaming activists destroyed the image of their party

Matthews: wow that could never happen now

Plante: Watergate was boring tv show until NBC came up with the idea for secret white house tapes as a plot twist

Fineman: it was the first great reality tv series

Matthews: Jimmy Carter was defeated by
the Ayatollah

Mitchell: well to be fair he was working with
Ronald Reagan

Matthews: it was embarrassing to be involved with a weak President who was only able to get the hostages out alive instead of having the courage to have them killed like the troops in Lebanon

Norris: the 9/11 tv show was very exciting but it created a national sense of total fear and refusal to question anything Bush ever did

Matthews: that was awesome

Matthews: the biggest tv audience in history watched the Checkers speech - I love the way Nixon lied and used his children for political gain - ha!

Fineman: Obama’s convention speech in 2004 was so fantastic we were all sure that Obama would be Hillary’s Vice President someday

Norris: Obama knew better

Matthews: he’s a galloping horse and I want
to ride him

Matthews: OMG Dukakis wore a helmet so he couldn’t be President!

Mitchell: he looked like Snoopy so we had to report
it like that

Matthews: Ha! We should just turn the country over to Lee Atwater

Plante: It’s all Dukakis’ fault for making us in
the media trash him over nothing

Norris: Swift-Boating was effective hardball politics - those liars looked like everyday liars you would see lying in the grocery store

Fineman: During hurricane Katrina tv showed Bush acted like an ignorant frat house idiot while people were dying and starving for weeks

Mitchell: we fuck, reality matters sometimes

Matthews: Damm Katie Couric and her ambush questions to Palin on what newspapers do you read!

Mitchell: um seriously, just say "O - The Oprah Magazine" and be done with it

Matthews: ha I love Oprah

Matthews: people who couldn’t afford a tv thought Nixon won the 1960 debates!

Plante: Nixon looked like shit and chose Kennedy -
it turns out people were right

Matthews: wow Bush was ruined by the aircraft carrier speech

Norris: Bush was guilty of premature declaration

Matthews: emission accomplished

Fineman: hey Chris maybe you forgot when you masturbated over that image endlessly

Matthews: ha! that’s right!

Fineman: jesus you’re pathetic

Mathews: fap fap fap fap fap fap

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Meet the Press - with Mullen, Eikenberry, Smiley and Scarborough - August 23, 2009

August 23, 2009
General Mullen
Ambassador Eikenberry
Tavis Smiley
Joe Scarborough

Gregory: General I love your epaulets

Mullen: thanks Greggy

Gregory: have the American people lost the
stomach to conquer Afghanistan?

Mullen: maybe but lets not forget the guys in the caves still want to kill lots of Americans

Gregory: do we need more troops to defeat these crafty Afghans?

Mullen: could be

Gregory: but President McCain says we do

Mullen: actually Obama won the election

Gregory: what?!? [ starts sobbing ]

Mullen: calm down fluffy

Gregory: [ wipes tears ] so is General McCain right?

Mullen: if you mean is Matlock a great show -- then no

Gregory: Ambassador Eikenberry I love your cereal

Eikenberry: thanks

Gregory: Ambassador how did Pat Buchanan manage to come in third in the Afghan election?

Eikenberry: I don’t know - it’s weird

Gregory: just out of curiosity are we ever going
to defeat the Taliban

Eikenberry: Afghanistan just had series of civil debates, peaceful rallies and respectful discussions

Gregory: wow if they really want to be
a model democracy they should bring guns to public policy debates

Eikenberry: indeed

Gregory: General we’re rebuilding Afghanistan - I can’t believe President Obama invaded this country and supports all this nation-building!!

Mullen: yeah Greggers keep telling yourself it’s just like Somalia with that all liberal nation-building

Gregory: but you’re trying to reach out to the Afghan people and get them to like America - isn’t that
a recipe for disaster?

Mullen: hell I’ve been there years and this is the first time we’ve had a plan at all

Gregory: what kind of solace is that for the America people who have to live a with quagmire and
a black President???

Mullen: essentially in Afghanistan we’re starting
from scratch

Eikenberry: we’re making progress

Gregory: but not victory - why do hate
the American Empire?

Mullen: I heard in remote Afghanistan that
you were a moron

Gregory: Iraq is violent - what’s up with that?

Mullen: I don’t know - but we’re getting the
hell out of there

Gregory: Should Americans be terrified of Al Qaeda?

Mullen: oh yes they could strike at any moment

[ break ]

Gregory: Senator Schumer do we really need a public option or can I persuade you to compromise and drop it

Schumer: we really need it because health care costs are rising and the private insurance industry
is a blood-sucking profit-seeking monopoly

Gregory: but people will lose their insurance!

Schumer: no they won’t

Gregory: but Rupert Murdoch had a headline

Schumer: Truly your sources are impeccable

Gregory: Obama is going to cave on the public option isn’t he

Schumer: no and I really don’t give a fuck if any Republicans vote for it or not

Hatch: Government plans are very expensive
- for example they pay doctors 20% less

Gregory: that makes no sense

Hatch: Medicaid and Medicare don’t work so why would we want another one?

Gregory: so what’s your best argument?

Hatch: I don’t think the government should control everything all the time

Gregory: ok

Hatch: the government shouldn’t take over
the health care system

Gregory: interesting

Hatch: if Ted Kennedy were able to he would call me up and say let's save grandma and reject Obama's plan

Kennedy: [ from hospital ] fuck you you goddam ninny

Hatch: 119 million people will lose their
health insurance

Gregory: that’s a lie

Hatch: well the truth varies all over the place

Gregory: is Obama caving or not?

Schumer: no fluffybrain

Hatch: New York is not Wyoming!

Gregory: what about co-ops

Schumer: they suck

Hatch: we have 300 million people in this country and only a few who don’t have health insurance and most of them are illegal aliens or rich people who refuse to buy health insurance

Gregory: that’s an interesting argument

Hatch: If we get the government involved in the United States we will bankrupt the country

Gregory: Chucky will you push this through
with only 60 votes?

Schumer: well no Republican will vote for health reform - they said so

Gregory: is health care Obama’s Waterloo or
his Mamma Mia?

Hatch: if we make employers give health insurance then we will kill all poor people

Gregory: what is the Republican approach?

Hatch: to send old men on tv and rant and
rave about Germany and France

Gregory: and what else

Hatch: to whine about passing laws undemocratically with only 51 votes

Gregory: that sounds like a great strategy

Schumer: some say we should have single-payer and others say there should be no reform - let’s compromise and have a robust public option

Gregory: Talk health care to me

Scarborough: The Dems own this is city
- why don’t they just enact what they want?!

Smiley: Dancing Dave you would cry if Obama
did not reach across the aisle and be all bipartisan and shit

Scarborough: Obama has not reached
out to conservatives enough

Smiley: Obama is caving sadly

Scarborough: he owns the team and the arena!

Gregory: supporters of the President say crack some Democratic skulls and get it done

Smiley: sure but David Broder would have him impeached if he didn’t reach out to Republicans

Gregory: I’m concerned that Obama hasn’t reached out to Republicans enough

Smiley: we should hold all Democrats responsible for the conservatism of Blue Dogs

Gregory: I asked Tom Coburn if killing the President was a good idea and he said oh sure if he proposes a flawed health care plan

Smiley: that’s fucking crazy

Scarborough: both sides are screaming at each about things most people don’t understand like public option, evolution or gravity

Gregory: right

Scarborough: people should not be carrying guns to rallies - the fringe makes us all look nuts

Gregory: fringe lunatics like US Senator Coburn

Scarborough: right

Gregory: Obama seems to be failing
- what should he be doing?

Scarborough: go LBJ on their asses

Smiley: Martin Luther King wouldn’t have wobbled and Obama is fucking wobbling

Gregory: and thanks for fucking watching

The Chris Matthews Show - August 23, 2009

Matthews: OMG newspapers used to be romantic hotspots of sex and excitement and now they’re dying!!

Woodward: sure newspapers are dead but the kids love tv and those inter-youtubes

Brown: I could make the Beast into a Beauty if I had more money

Matthews: awesome

Brown: we’re going to rely on bloggers for foreign reporting

Matthews: I miss going out to the driveway in my bathrobe and get the crack news

Borger: but I get all the news sent to my blackberry at midnight

Klein: I like to read newspapers so I can be up on stories that no one gives a shit about

Matthews: People are stealing shitty news from the WaPo!

Woodward: no one cares

Matthews: newspapers are essential to long-form stories misleading people on the economy!

Klein: actually there’s more room to write thorough stories on the Internet

Woodward: or books - where you can really pack in the lies

Matthews: but who’s going to fact-check -- not bloggers!!

Klein: we fact-check but doesn’t fact-check me, thank god

Brown: you can fact-check online stupid

Klein: our readers fact-check us - it turns out we’ve been printing lies all this time!

Borger: in ten years newspapers will be downloaded digitally into our brains

Klein: I like print papers so the elites will tell me what I need to know

Matthews: indeed bloggers live in their own little world and are never exposed to news no gives a flying fuck about

Klein: I’m going to Iran because no one in the U.S. seems to want me around

Matthews: what ever happened to Emile Zola?!

Klein: Jack Use!

Woodward: Watergate was bigger than journalism - it was about the future of the country

Matthews: could you do a story like that today?

Woodward: oh yes

Matthews: so why don’t you?

Woodward: it turns out there’s more money in being a whore for Republican liars

Matthews: ha I love it!

Matthews: the Boston Globe blew the top off the pedophile scandal and ramrod it through!

Woodward: the local newspaper needs to have moral authority

Matthews: but who will catch the bad guys - Batman?

Borger: former editors of the Wall Street Journal

Brown: individual bloggers - they’re actually pretty smart

Borger: but Tina we can’t rely on lonely shut-ins

Klein: we’re going to miss the banter in the newspaper coffee room like when people say ‘hey joe you may be a moron and liar but at least you’re not a stinking blogger’ and then we all give each other high-fives

Matthews: who will write the most interesting book to come out of the Bush administration?

Brown: Women are going to want see if Condi Rice will admit she was wrong all this time

Woodward: Bush’s memoir will be riveting - but no women will read Donald Rumsfeld

Matthews: but women will find him so sexy!

Klein: Cheney will spill his dark psychoses for all the world to see and reveal that Bush was a nazi-fascist-socialist-commie who was soft on torture like he once balked about pulling a suspect’s eyes out with an oyster fork

Matthews: well you gotta get a tough on terrorists

Klein: no, this person was suspected of wearing a Kerry shirt to a Bush town hall

Matthews: ha what a great story

Matthews: Tell me some news!

Brown: newsgathering online is better than crappy papers

Woodward: George W. Bush is going to be finally vindicated in his wonderful riveting new autobiography

Borger: the GOP will stage a resurgence I’m sure of it

Matthews: wow - how will they do it?!

Borger: I have no fucking idea

Klein: you have to see ‘Afghan Idol ‘- they have a nasty British guy, a loopy woman and an incoherent guy who says “yo”

Matthews: wow it’s like the royal family in the 19th century all over again

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Meet The Press - August 16, 2009

Meet The Press
August 16, 2009
Fmr Sen. Tom Daschle
Sen. Tom Coburn
Frm Rep. Dick Armey
Rachel Maddow
Gov. Bill Ritter
Rep. Charles Rangel

Gregory: welcome panelists - did any of you
bring a gun this morning?

Armey: don’t leave home without it

Coburn: lock and load [ slides chamber ]

Gregory: ok ok

Gregory: Nazi references, swastikas, death threats, guns - this is all a bit disturbing

Coburn: indeed the fact that Obama is out of
control is very disturbing

Gregory: but these protestors are acting
utterly crazy

Coburn: but their actions are justified
- after all Obama is clearly a fascist

Gregory: you’re kidding right

Coburn: no

Gregory: oh my

Armey: look colorful people like Tim McVeigh
will always show up at town hall meetings

Gregory: good god

Armey: Besides Move On ran ads comparing
Bush to Hitler

Maddow: no they didn’t - that’s a lie

Armey: there’s nothing wrong with urging unhinged lunatics to think of the President of a tyrant who needs to be killed

Maddow: I can’t believe what I am hearing

Coburn: It’s all Obama’s fault for being the
first black Nazi President

Gregory: don’t you think this is appalling

Armey: well anyway this is all Nancy Pelosi’s fault

Maddow: Freedomworks is promoting violence

Armey: yes but when people are falsely accused
of promoting violence it makes them so angry they get violent

Maddow: right

Gregory: Chuck Grassley says the health reform
bill will murder old people

Coburn: the idea that government would have
any role in medical care is basically totalitarian

Gregory: I find your world view fascinating

Coburn: we need real health reform based
on the Bible

Greogry: you say you want a civil debate
- so you start off

Coburn: the Democrat’s health reform plan
will kill people

Daschle: I plan on writing a strongly worded letter
to Coburn about this

Gregory: Governor is Obama a failure?

Ritter: Obama is out there telling the truth and
it’s working

Gregory: but isn’t the real concern about deficit
and debt and raising taxes on wealthy anchors of Sunday tv talk shows?

Ritter: no, and the rumors have reached Colorado that you’re a moron

Gregory: [ high pitched voice ] Rachel, Obama
can’t guarantee that people will never lose their private insurance!

Maddow: even for you Greggers that’s stupid

Armey: I was reading this bill last night around a campfire with a flashlight under my chin and then as I was talking Obama called a patient
and he demanded $21,000 for a new liver!

Daschle: well since we haven’t passed the bill
yet that's the system you created Dick

Coburn: the health care system is awesome

Dashcle: not in life expectancy

Coburn: oh you can’t the success of a health
care system by how long people live

Gregory: 50 million have no insurance and it will
cost $1 trillion!

Rangel: I know!

Gregory: Charlie isn’t the crank in Montana right about raising taxes on poor tv anchors?

Rangel: jesus christ - fuck you Greggers

Gregory: ok but what about the plan

Rangel: I hope we do raise taxes on your
pasty white ass

Gregory: you scare me

Rangel: I’m glad because I don’t like you fluffyhead

Gregory: will Obama raises taxes on poor people?

Rangel: I’m sick of the hatred being churned up - why don’t the churches and mosques condemn it??

Gregory: that’s who you expect to calm people down?

Rangel: well they started it

Gregory: Tom Obama’s plan will bankrupt us
won’t it?

Daschle: if we don’t change we will spend $35 trillion

Maddow: or we could just save money by using
a public health plan

Armey: I’m scared to death of Medicare concentration camps

Maddow: you think seniors really want to get out
of medicare?

Armey: no they love it - but the idea of good health plan for the elderly is tyranny

Maddow: so just to be clear - you are fucking insane

Armey: there are secret internal memos which imprison poor people if they refuse free health care

Gregory: aren’t the insurance companies innocent victims of greedy hospitals with their fancy clean surgical instruments?

Daschle: um no

Gregory: speaking of which - isn’t the real problem lazy Americans getting free gold plated health care and therefore demanding a new needle for each person - why not just wash them?

Coburn: that’s right - we need to be more efficient
by privatizing Medicaid and letting people choose to die on their own

Gregory: a Death Panel of the Mind

Coburn: exactly

Gregory: isn’t a public option inherently unfair?

Armey: that’s right, it is - we need to let people from New Jersey buy insurance in Texas which is better because it covers gunshot wounds including if you are in debt to the mob

Gregory: wait til BlueCross finds out the mafia
is cutting in on their action

Maddow: hey dick, there is no state with secretly awesome health insurance

Armey: but this would hurt private insurance businesses

Maddow: good - they’ve failed

Insurance guy: but people might leave private insurers for the public option

Daschle: well that’s freedom

Coburn: look even if Obama’s plan is terrific in everyway it requires hiring new government employees which we cannot accept

Gregory: who’s ‘we’?

Coburn: me and the other people in my
apocalyptic cult

Gregory: Rachel, what will liberals accept?

Maddow: if Obama accepts less than a public option he will have riled up public anger and spent political capital for nothing

Gregory: Dick will Obama succeed?

Armey: no I don’t think he will

Gregory: and who would know better about
failing that Dick Armey?

Armey: right

Gregory: thank for watching

The Chris Matthews Show - August 16, 2009

Matthews: OMG Ronald Reagan presided a two
year recession but he turned it around -unlike Obama who sucks!!

Regan: oh no!

Matthews: his stimulus bill failed and his
auto bailouts are too big!!

Stengel: he’s a stunning failure - but to be fair
he became President at a time when the US empire is collapsing

Regan: the recession is ending but that’s not Obama’s doing - Obama is just responsible for raising the deficit

Parker: look he’s already been President for
7 months so everything bad happening is now his fault

Matthews: but we’re coming out of the recession

Parker: Bush deserves credit for that

Matthews: of course

Heileman: Kathleen is exactly right - Obama has a lot of policies but no message so he’s really a failure

Stengel: no I agree he is a failure because he has
a message but no policies

Parker: look all I know is that people are sick of seeing this intelligent black man on tv

Regan: Wall Street will react badly if Obama fails

Matthews: but you just said they don’t want
his health reform

Regan: look he’s a failure whatever he does

Parker: he should definitely adopt Republican policies - that would help

Mattthews: yes just attack the left and cut taxes for the rich

Heileman: also abandon health reform and cap and trade

Regan: all my friends are terrified that Obama will tax the middle class

Matthews: oh my god we’re all doomed

Stengel: all your friends are narcissistic babies

Matthews: well if Obama gets health reform that will be the last success Obama ever has

Stengel: right

Parker: oh of course

[ break ]

Matthews: OMG Woodstock was groovy man!

Heileman: it was about dropping out
and doing drugs

Matthews: the bad stuff!

Heileman: sounds good to me

Matthews: ha!

Heileman: but look the anti-war and civil rights movement were deadly serious and not driven
by dropouts

Stengel: hey I just realized that the whole Woodstock crowd was an anomaly

Matthews: this is all about the Clintons and their tie-dyed drug craziness

Stengel: huh?

Matthews: Obama’s campaign was all about
Bobby Kennedy!

Regan: no it wasn’t stupid

Heileman: Obama volunteers didn’t want to drop out of society - the wacko dropout protestors are conservatives now

Matthews: wow you just blew my mind

Matthews: tell me something I don’t know

Regan: a housing crisis is brewing

Stengel: an amazing change is coming -- newspapers and magazines will start to
charge for content

Matthews: wow

Parker: Nicky Haley for President

Matthews: um who

Heileman: no one wants to see a movie about Woodstock will hopefully shut Chris Matthew up

Matthews: ha! Coming up next - Obama how a big
a failure is he?

Regan: he sucks a he’s not a miracle worker

Stengel: it’s the economy, stupid

Parker: that’s right

Heileman: the Democrats will lose 30 to 40
seats in 2010

Matthews: you’re all Marxists - I love it!

Sunday, August 09, 2009

This Week with George Stephanopoulos, August 9, 2009 - with Howard Dean and Newt Gingrich

This Week with George Stephanopoulos
August 9, 2009
Howard Dean
Newt Gingrich
Stephanopoulos: the big news this week is that people who want to fix a completely broken heath care system are just like Adolf Hitler

Gingrich: liberals have a civic duty to listen to people scream and yell and sit there and not do anything

Stephanopoulos: that sounds like disorderly conduct

Gingrich: no, I don’t think any of them were
black Harvard professors

Stephanopoulos: why are these protestors so angry
and threatening violence?

Gingrich: they are very upset at Nancy Pelosi’s use of parliamentary procedures in the House
of Representatives

Stephanopoulos: of course

Gingrich: we have to let people get their all insane violent rage out of their system and them we can have a return to democracy in September

Stephanopoulos: Howard is all this anger
just manufactured?

Dean: Sure it is - but the point is this is not democracy it’s pure thuggery

Stephanopoulos: but those thugs only have
a few friends on Facebook

Dean: It’s not my fault no one like Republicans

Stephanopoulos: but that proves that this is genuine
anger at the horrible stimulus bill

Dean: Even Republicans love handing out
stimulus checks!

Stephanopoulos: Dean you hate health care so much you went after Ben Nelson who after all is a very nice white man

Dean: well I think giving health insurance companies $60 billion a year is insane - why not give people the choice to join a government-run plan?

Gingrich: no we can’t do that because I have verified proof that Medicaid is totally corrupt

Stephanopoulos: what is your proof?

Gingrich: I wrote a book called
“Medicaid Is Full of Crooks”

Stephanopoulos: well that clinches it

Gingrich: also we can’t have single-payer because Indians are treated badly

Stephanopoulos: Veterans get good care - except for the mold and electric showers

Gingrich: Medicare is basically a
private insurance program

Stephanopoulos: fascinating

Gingrich: also members of Congress refused to join the voluntary program even though
they would force every American to enroll in the government-run health system against their will

Stephanopoulos: I find your incessant
lies fascinating

Gingrich: wait there’s more

Gingrich: the government plan would save businesses trillions of dollars which would
force Americans into a system so popular people would hate it

Dean: I should point out right now that Newt is
a cheap lying smear-merchant

Stephanopoulos: we all know that

Dean: how many times can I say it - no one is going to be forced to join the public health system if they don’t want to

Gingrich: but if it’s good system people will *want* to join it - which will hurt private insurers, which means people will lose their private insurance, which is bad!

Stephanopoulos: huh?

Gingrich: the only way the public system can work if it’s so bad no wants to use it!

Stephanopoulos: of course

Dean: this bill is a huge win for small business who will be able to offer their employees health insurance!

Stephanopoulos: but the Senate won’t pass
a public option

Dean: yes they will - 4 committees already have

Stephanopoulos: but you need 60 votes to
pass the Senate

Dean: no, you need 51 votes

Stephanopoulos: only if you use Democracy and not Bipartisanship

Gingrich: this is why Americans are so terrified - they know it is the hallmark of fascism to pass laws by majority vote

Stephanopoulos: ok

Gingrich: this is life and death!

Dean: didn’t you divorce your wife when she was in
the hospital with cancer?

Gingrich: liberals caused Susan Smith to
drown her children!

Dean: ok buddy

Gingrich: you can’t strip a tiny minority in the Senate of its god-given right to obstruct legislation
- it’s un-American!

Stephanopoulos: makes sense to me

Gingrich: I talked to Chuck Grassley yesterday and he made it very clear that in the alternate universe where people give shit what he thinks a public plan is unacceptable

Stephanopoulos: incredible

Gingrich: we must avoid rationing!

Dean: lying fuck

Gingrich: cost control would cause for-profit health
providers to go bankrupt

Stephanopoulos: what’s your health reform solution?

Gingrich: a tax on Kenyan-Americans

Stephanopoulos: noted Republican and Crazy Person Sarah Palin says she doesn’t want Obama
to murder her baby

Gingrich: so you’re in favor of murdering children?

Stephanopoulos: no one is proposing that

Gingrich: The Government has a noted history of killing innocent people - just look at Iraq, Gitmo
and New Orleans

Stephanopoulos: are you totally insane?

Gingrich: the bill is 1,000 pages long - who knows if a plan for an American Auschwitz is buried on page 400 next to Unicorns for Liberals and making
Bigfoot a Senator??

Dean: oh I agree entirely

Stephanopoulos: [ put face in hands ]

Dean: I practiced medicine for years and the only bureaucrats killing people worked for health insurance companies

Gingrich: well of course how else do you expect them to make money - by just giving medical care to every person who walks through the door or
who has been paying premiums for years?

Dean: well maybe health care shouldn’t be based
on making a massive profit!!

Gingrich: see you want to put health insurers out of business and then people won’t have health insurance

Dean: they don’t have it now!

Gingrich: no, they have health insurance they just don’t have health care

Dean: oh for fuck’s sake

Gingrich: it’s Howard’s dirty time of the month

Dean: you're a loony

Stephanopoulos: thanks for watching everyone

Meet The Press - August 9, 2009

Meet The Press
August 9, 2009
James L. Jones - U.S. National Security Adviser
Mike Bloomberg - Mayor of New York
Cory Booker - Mayor of Newark

Gregory: Tell me about Kim Jong-Il - is he as crazy as I’ve heard?

Jones: Bill Clinton reports that he had a conversation with him and he’s actually less insane than Sarah Palin

Gregory: but he has nuclear weapons

Jones: all we want is for the nutjob North Koreans to rejoin the little happy family of warlike nations

Gregory: any chances of that happening?

Jones: no

Gregory: Whose idea was it to send The Big Dog to Korea?

Jones: Kim Jong Il said if Bill Clinton agreed to come to my country and give me some tips on women he would let the journalists go

Gregory: it’s a win-win

Jones: he has a man-crush on Bubba

Gregory: I know how that is - I love Karl Rove

Jones: ick

Gregory: Henry Kissinger says this sends a signal a visit from Bill Clinton proves that Korea is accepted by all great nations

Jones: hey the Big Dog is visited Little Rock High School and no one wants Arkansas to have nukes either

Gregory: it’s like a J.L. Rowling book - Barack Obama and Power of the Clenis

Jones: the Clenis recently killed 2 terrorists in Pakistan

Gregory: I feel safer already

Gregory: what’s the endgame in Afghanistan?

Jones: Total security, safety, economic prosperity and rebuilding the country so people will love living there

Cory Booker: Jesus I’d like to see that in Newark

Jones: Cory I’m not a miracle worker

Gregory: what about those American hikers in Iran

Jones: don’t get me started those idiots

Gregory: how do you deal with Ahmedinejad?

Jones: Clenis

Gregory: Al Qaeda?

Jones: Clenis

Gregory: world hunger?

Jones: Clenis

[ break ]

Gregory: wow the airspace over the Hudson river is a fucking free--for-all!

Bloomberg: yeah but the good news is now that we know you can land a jet in the river it’s like a having a 4th airport

Gregory: Holy shit Cory the jobless rate in Newark is off the hook

Booker: true but our hope to create a whole new Green economy in Newark

Gregory: like how?

Booker: solar panels, double pane windows, and tilting at windmills

Bloomberg: let me just say in defense of Cory that Newark sucks

Booker: hey

Bloomberg: we set aside a few billion for a rainy day fund

Gregory: and has that helped New York city?

Bloomberg: I was talking about my family

Gregory: has the stimulus helped America?

Bloomberg: yes but it will take more than that to recover from the Bush economy

Gregory: should I condemn Obama for breaking his promise not to raise taxes or bash him for not raising taxes?

Booker: how the hell should I know - I’m trying to compete with Mumbai and 3 hospitals just closed!

Gregory: so you are saying that Obama should raises taxes on the middle class?

Booker: I heard you were a moron

Gregory: is Obama a terrible President for refusing to raise middle class taxes for which I could then attack him?

Bloomberg: I know it kills you to hear this Greggers, but Obama is going a good job

Gregory: so I hear you saying Obama should raise taxes on the poor

Bloomberg: whatever fluffyhead

Gregory: so we must raise taxes on people other than me and rich friends

Bloomberg: we could also cut defense and health spending

Gregory: that’s crazy talk

Gregory: How can you defeat the NRA - they have all the guns!

Bloomberg: the NRA has $50 million and I have $15 billion

Gregory: whoa

Booker: I’m not concerned about the law-abiding hunters - I’m worried about terrorists buying rocket launchers

Gregory: talk to me about my favorite pet issue: the swine flu

Bloomberg: suck it up Greggers - I’m exposed to much worse every day on the subway

Booker: forget the sniffles - kids today are too fat

Gregory: Bloom you want to be Mayor for Life

Bloomberg: that’s how I roll

Gregory: Cory Booker says you should shave your head

Bloomberg: I’m down with the homies

Booker: I endorsed Bloomberg even though he’s a Republican or Democrat or whatever he is this week

Gregory: Cory why is Corzine losing?

Booker: look the Bush economy sucks and we will hang George W. Bush around Christie’s neck until it sinks him

Gregory: I never covered protests of the war but wow look at these crazy people protesting health care reform!

[ shows tapes of right-wing lunatics ]

Brooks: wow I never heard Rush compare people to Nazis - Limbaugh really is insane

Gregory: have you been living in cave Brooksie?

Brooks: but Obama could have avoided all this if only he had done everything the insurance industry wanted

Gregory: that is so sad

Brooks: it’s tragic

Gregory: [high pitched voice] people are really concerned about reform!

Burnett: the American people want arbitrary bipartisan health care reform - it doesn’t matter what it does

Gregory: of course

Burnett: people really want costs cut - also they are terrified that Obama will cut costs

Meacham: it’s all Obama’s fault that people are calling him Hitler

Gregory: Sarah Palin objects to having her baby killed by a death panel

Brooks: oh sure, make the GOP look bad by citing a few fringe crazy people the Republican vice presidental nominee

Gregory: Obama is going to reframe this as defending patients against insurers

Meacham: that could work

Gregory: unemployment is getting better!

Burnett: while it is true that Obama is doing better than could possibly be hoped - it’s terrible we don’t yet have a plan for the year 2012!

Brooks: Obama should have cut taxes instead he had this complex stimulus bill which costs a lot - he knows nothing about economics like I do

Gregory: he did Cash For Clunkers which is a success

Brooks: that was great - but cutting taxes magically doesn’t add to the debt so he should have done that instead

Burnett: no Cash For Clunkers sucks too because it isn’t perfect

Gregory: Wow Bill Clinton rescued those journalists and hugged Al gore

Meacham: Clinton and Gore are gay ha ha ha ha

Gregory: hee hee

Meacham: North Korea is an enemy of epic proportions!

Gregory: wow!

Meacham: also we need the Clenis to rescue a Newsweek correspondent

Gregory: I’m sure he’ll get right on that considering your coverage of his Whitewater and Monica

Meacham: oh shit

Gregory: Brooks what’s the answer in North Korea?

Brooks: we need to violently overthrow the whole regime

Gregory: I love it when a Republican who would lose a fight to Dakota Fanning talk tough

Brooks: [sings] I’m bad, I’m bad!

Gregory: and that’s all from this edition of meet the press

The Chris Matthews Show - August 9, 2009


Matthews: OMG Republicans say Obama was born in a Muslim area of Kenya

Heileman: wow!

Matthews: did Obama open the door to being called a muslim-racist by nominating Sonia Sotomayor and saying Harvard professors shouldn’t be arrested for being falsely accused of burglary?

Heileman: Yes Obama gave his critics a permission slip to being called Adolf Hitler

Stengel: all these crazy slurs are the fault of the internet, YouTube, and Twitter - it’s the Heisenberg principle - when you view them you realize they are batshit insane

Parker: calm down - one guy creates a picture of Obama with a bone in his nose and suddenly everyone makes a big deal about it

Matthews: what are the cute little crackers in the south saying Kathleen?

Parker: People in the south are not racist - they just hate Obama because he’s black and call him a nigger

Matthews: that makes sense

Regan: Because unemployment is 9.4% people suddenly realized Obama is black

Heileman: Obama just can’t create a positive message for health care reform since people are out there screaming about how wonderful insurance bureaucrats are

Stengel: people love their health insurance - they don’t like Obama

Matthews: but if we have unemployment shouldn’t health reform be popular?

Parker: yes but we have a bad economy so naturally people don’t cheaper and better health care

Heileman: exactly people are terrified of losing their current health care so they don’t want the system reformed

Matthews: ah of course

Matthews: are the Iroquois going to go after Obama??

Heileman: people are angry at losing their jobsm health care and position in the world and they are taking their anger out on Barack Obama

Parker: they crazies are running the Republican party - it’s their baby now

Matthews: what happens when Obama fails on the economy - will they claim he’s from another planet?

Regan: I got a head’s up - they will argue he’s another species

Stengel: i don’t think he’s going to fail on the economy Chris

Matthews: Nixon / Palin 2012!

Stengel: Nixon was the awesomest guy ever - which proves that Obama can overcome the scandals in his past - such as being born in a radical British Indonesian muslim cult in the Congo

Parker: Nixon had great dignity like Sarah Palin - they both quit for the good of the country

Matthews: Bill Clinton is going to be a balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade!

Regan: the image of Clinton saving those girls in Korea it made me cry and then I remembered the blowjob and I hated him again

Matthews: can the Clintons ever come back to political success?

Heileman: um she’s the U.S. Secretary of State and Alaska his going to be renamed ‘Clintonland’

Matthews: who was a better President - Nixon or Clinton?

Parker: Nixon because he opened China and helped usher in a wonderful new era of burglaries, bugging, firebombing and murder

Heileman: exactly - how can the Clenis compete with that?

Matthews: tell me something I don’t know!

Regan: Obama has saved the economy - now I’m worried inflation is going to be out of control

Stengel: Obama is an obsessive and honest golfer

Parker: Palin is going win the nomination which scares Democrats and terrifies Republicans

Heileman: New York Governor Paterson will not run again

Matthews: why not?

Heileman: Because Andy Cuomo is widely disliked but the guy has balls of steel

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Meet The Press - Larry Summers, August 2, 2009

Meet The Press
August 2, 2009
Larry Summers
Harold Ford
JC Watts
Gregory: Larry is the recession over?

Summers: remember we were looking at another great Depression and now the rate at which we are losing jobs is high but declining

Gregory: yippee?

Summers: the stimulus and cash for clunkers programs are working great and it’s all due to my and Timmy and that Obama dude

Gregory: when do I feel rich again?

Summers: most professional forecasters predict slow growth for the next few years

Gregory: when do jobs come back

Summers: that lags, so maybe 2017

Gregory: will you extend unemployment benefits?

Summers: hell we’ll hire them all if we have to

Gregory: doing what?

Summers: hosting white house beer parties

Gregory: will you make the banks start lending -
after all you gave them free billions

Summers: we will write them strongly-worded letters

Gregory: Larry you signed the stimulus in February and yet still unemployment has rose into July!

Summers: David will all due respect that is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard

Gregory: but I have a high-pitched panicky voice

Summers: you’re moron and a liar too fluffyhead

Gregory: wait is fair to call me a liar when I
have such nice hair?

[ fluffs hair ]

Summers: yes it is because you are dumb
as a stump

Gregory: you call me a liar but 2 million jobs have been lost

Summers: look we didn’t know just how bad a President Bush was - that has nothing to do with the fucking stimulus you stupid shithead

Gregory: so will the stimulus plan create four million jobs or not?

Summers: no it will save 4 million jobs that would have been lost if the plan had not been enacted so we count everyone how has a job who might have been laid off

Gregory: since I am suddenly worried abut the debt will you cut spending?

Summers: we’re going for the big money which in
this country is spending on health

Gregory: no I meant the stimulus which actually helps people

Summers: then the answer is no
you Republican shill

Greogry: but but but

Summers: no we’re not going to repeal painting schools or solar energy

Gregory: can there ever be growth with
this level of debt?

Summers: cutting the deficit in half is easy - just computerize medical records, grab money from overseas and tax blow dryers

Gregory: oh no!

Summers: just kidding there Greggers

Gregory: Do we need another stimulus bill?

Summers: hey we’re barely got the party started on the first one

Gregory: [ puts on party hat ]

Summers: we’ve got to stick the plan that’s working

Gregory: there’s growing public opposition to health care reform

Summers: oh really - prove it

Gregory: well that’s what all-American groups
like the RNC says

Summers: hey dumbass four Committees have voted out a health reform bill

Gregory: but Obama is losing the argument

Summers: [ leans over, punches Gregory
in the face ]

Gregory: Ow that hurt!

Summers: listen fool Bush passed a huge drug benefit bill
in secret and never even tried to pay for it

Gregory: but the CBO says you’re health plan doesn’t turn a profit - but what about the deficit deficit deficit

Summers: hey we’re being conservative and fiscally responsible compared to Nixon, or Regan or Bush I or Bush II - we’re being scrutinized more than President ever

Gregory: well sure you’re Democrats

Gregory: are the big banks socially responsible?

Summers: for soulless greedy destructive satanic
entities they’re doing very well

Gregory: well I feel better

Gregory: would you like to be Chair of the Federal Reserve

Summers: if I were I could roll around in giant piles of money - so yes

Gregory: wheeee

Gregory: How is Obama doing?

Ford: He’s doing fucking great!

Gregory: but all political fights have not gone away!

Watts: the American people are angry that
only 10% of the stimulus has been spent

Ford: oh bullshit JC

Gregory: the President’s poll numbers are down!

Balz: in fairness he’s trying to solve all of Bush’s problems

Gregory: well he sucks

Balz: I talked to 12 people in Maryland and they have concerns that we still have not nuked Iran

Gregory: I can’t believe we still have continuing debate about the role of government!

Johnson: I have a key insight - people want a government that works

Ford: Max Baucus has an awesome bill - we have to push this bill or the GOP wins

Watts: the people are very worried about cap and trade and also we don’t the government to come between the sacred relationship between a patient and their health insurance adjuster

Gregory: so what’s the answer?

Watts: people have to stop eating food
and drinking water

Johnson: it took the assassination of JFK, RFK, King, and Malcom X to enact Medicare

Gregory: if only Obama was more like John Edwards he might have been elected President

Balz: Obama is trying to find the right way to sell a good, efficient, money-saving life-giving, health care system

Gregory: wow who can possibly do that?

Johnson: Obama is cool but he can also be a fiery black man when he is pushed and that’s dangerous

Ford: Look people hated George W. Bush but the country is still the same - a bunch of petty greedy people who need to be told they are going to die if they don’t enact the President’s plan

Gregory: hey look I just noticed JC Wats and Harold Ford are black

Watts: yeah sure you did white man

Balz: did you know that Obama is black?

Gregory: no!

Balz: no really - the President’s choice to come out as a black man at his press conference was an interesting one

Ford: I’m not black

Gregory: really because it thought you wer-

Ford: nope

Watts: hey I was the only black man in the Republican Congress I know what uncomfortable is!

Gregory: how can I help with a Republican comeback and defeat Obama

Balz: Hopefully the GOP can win in New Jersey and then we can hope the economy is bad in 2010 and that will help - on the other hand they are leaderless and have no ideas

Gregory: why did they choose Sarah Palin

Johnson: it was a reach around that failed

Gregory: Palin / Watts 2012?

Watts: Man Dancin' Dave I heard you were a moron but I didn’t know you were crazy too

This Week with George Stephanopoulos, August 2 - Guest: Tim Geithner

This Week with George Stephanopoulos
August 2, 2009
Guest: Tim Geithner

Stephanopoulos: Timmy is the recession over?

Geithner: if I do say so myself I a most excellent miracle worker

Stephanopoulos: so you’re done

Geithner: no we want people to have a McNugget in every pot

Stephanopoulos: but people still are unemployed

Geithner: first we’re going to have growth and then people will start spending and companies will start making stuff and then unemployment ends around 2013

Stephanopoulos: sounds good - so what should I be worried about?

Geithner: a Republican comeback

Stephanopoulos: 1 million people are about to lose their jobless benefits

Geithner: sucks to be them

Stephanopoulos: you’re spending too much and the U.S. is taking on too much debt

Geithner: hey we inherited a 1.3 trillion debt and all we got to show for it was a craptacular war

Stephanopoulos: will you raise taxes?

Geithner: yes, as soon as America is rich enough again to afford it

Stephanopoulos: when will that be?

Geithner: Eleventy-never

Stephanopoulos: but America is broke!

Geithner: look people if you want a growing economy we have to raise taxes to lower the debts that Republicans are always going on about!

Stephanopoulos: will you enact health care reform that will please liberals like Grassley and conservatives like Max Baucus?

Geithner: momma always said congress is like a box of chocolates

Stephanopoulos: what does that mean?

Geithner: it means you can bite them all and it will make you sick

Stephanopoulos: stupid as stupid does

Geithner: right

Stephanopoulos: Talk TARP to me, savant

Geithner: it’s going great - I made a $6 billion profit

Stephanopoulos: but has credit loosed up?

Geithner: here’s ten bucks George

[ hands him $10]

Stephanopoulos: thanks Tim

Geithner: definitely ten dollars definitely ten

[ break ]

Stephanopoulos: Alan you presided over the worst economy since the Goths sacked Rome

Greenspan: yse but giving away free billions to rich banks was a great idea

Stephanopoulos: what else

Greenspan: making stock investors rich because that trickles down to the little guy

Stephanopoulos: did cash for clunkers work?

Greenspan: I love the concept of trading in old inefficient destructive duds

Stephanopoulos: can we trade you in?

Greenspan: can I have some pudding?

Stephanopoulos: what about housing prices?

Greenspan: I think we have some underlying possibilities of potential things happening

Stephanopoulos: you’re delightfully cryptic

Greenspan: I’m chance the gardner I like to watch tv

Stephanopoulos: awesome Chauncey

Greenspan: I am optimistic with many caveats

Stephanopoulos: Should we raise taxes?

Greenspan: if we really want to save money we should force all baby boomers live on a commune in upstate New York

Stephanopoulos: they might like that

Greenspan: they can bring those crazy rock and roll records with them

Stephanopoulos: Should we have a value added tax?

Greenspan: the beauty is it raises money without overly impacting rich people

Stephanopoulos: what do you see in the future

Greenspan: there’s a lot of latent liquidity in the system

Stephanopoulos: so we have to raise interest rates?

Greenspan: I was talking about my prostate