Sunday, January 25, 2009

Meet The Press - January 25, 2009

Meet the Press
January 25, 2009
Larry Summers
Rep. John Boehner

Gregory: talk money to me big guy

Summers: this is the worst economy since FDR was in office - Bam is inheriting a shithole from George W. Bush

Gregory: you say we are crashing yet others say we are completely imploding so why only a little trillion dollar stimulus?

Summers: hey dude this is just one bill in our strategy to spend what is necessary to get going

Gregory: but its too small

Summers: size isn't everything

Gregory: but but but don't you need a bigger package

Summers: can i talk?

Gregory: no this is my show and i love the sound of my own whiny voice

Summers: ok but

Gregory: i talk more now

Summers: we also have tax cuts

Gregory: Goldman Sachs is very worried you are not spending enough tax dollars

Summers: hey we're printing money as fast as we can and then we
will drop bundles of cash from helicopters on towns all across America

Gregory: oh so it's like what we did in Iraq

Summers: exactly and look how well that went

Gregory: why are you wasting all this money on the national endowment for arts goddammit the Republicans won in 2008 don't they get to have a say

Summers: no they lost

Gregory: well whatever

Summers: I know David Gregory thinks Pell Grants are an incredible
waste of money since this is the second week you have brought it up

Gregory: no, not me - Republicans

Summers: well whatever

Gregory: Speaking of Republicans they want to keep the tax cuts for billionaires

Summers: well

Gregory: don't talk

Summers: but

Gregory: shhhh

Summers: uhh

Gregory: zip it

Gregory: why not put off Obama's promises until 2013 after his term is over

Summers: i heard you were out of your fucking mind Dave but i
never realized just how far your head was up karl rove's ass

Summers: Obama wants to cut taxes for 95% of Americans

Gregory: but how can we afford that??

Summers: because middle class people will spend their tax cut unlike wealthy people

Gregory: the banks only got $700 billion which is gone so naturally will you give them even more?

Summers: oh of course - we must throw massive amounts of money at failed institutions so people can get back to buying Hummers again

Gregory: truly your genius is dazzling

Summers: well i am a man

Gregory: why can't you make the banks lend?

Summers: ironic that the GOP brought us socialism isn't it?

Gregory: heh heh

Summers: but actually we're not the owners - we just gave the money away

Gregory: well that's strange

Summers: look it would be irresponsible for banks to lend without a good reason

Gregory: well what did they do with the money we gave them?

Summers: $1,400 trash cans

Gregory: what do you say to people who are afraid for the economic future and want to send their kids to college?

Summers: those lazy people need to work harder and play by the rules

Gregory: that's it?

Summers: also send the boys to college and the girls to seamstress school

Gregory: whine to me baby

Boehner: we whined to the President on Friday telling him that he should adopt right-wing failed policies

Gregory: but the GOP are the all time borrow-and-spend champions

Boehner: that's true but this time we really really mean it

Gregory: mean what

Boehner: that the answer is... Tax Cuts!!!!

Gregory: what a shock

Gregory: what's wrong with infrastructure tan-boy

Boehner: direct aid to the states is crazy - did you some of them allow gay marriage, abortion, and minorities to vote?

Gregory: raise taxes on the rich?

Boehner: so sad it's all little mom and pop businesses making $250,000 a year

Gregory: Obama said "i won" and you suck

Boehner: hey Clinton's budget passed without a single GOP vote and look at what a disaster that was

Gregory: everyone loves Obama but you Tear-Jerk

Boehner: oh so do we the GOP in Congres Luvs Obama

Gregory: ok ok don't cry

Boehner: [ wipes tear ]

Gregory: here's a binkie

Boehner: [ sniffs ] thanks

Gregory: bailout?

Boehner: i supported it when Bush was President and hate it now Obama is President

Gregory: got it

Gregory: Close Gitmo?

Boehner: hey Bush and McCain wanted to close it too but what do you do will all the people we tortured???

Gregory: i dunno - a prison?

Boehner: never heard of it - they're all on the battlefield!

Gregory: love is a battlefield

Boehner: if liberals want to let them go we can put them in Alcatraz

Gregory: it's a museum dumbass

Boehner: [ sobs ]

Gregory: what's the future of the GOP

Boehner: hey I've had every bad rotten job there is - i was a chicken sexer, and semen collector, sewer inspector and i also worked with Tom Delay

Gregory: dirty jobs

Boehner: but speaking for the GOP in 2008 in the worst ever

Gregory: so what do you do

Boehner: have good ideas

Gregory: what are they?

Boehner: we should have one by mid-summer

Gregory: Obama is inheriting lots of problems

Norris: that was one bummer of an inaugural

Friedman: hey it turns out wall street geniuses were really really stupid

Gregory: wow

Friedman: the economy is like a shark we're gonna need a bigger boat

Gregory: that movie ended well

Hayes: clearly the lesson in all of this is that we should listen to John Boehner

Gregory: naturally

Gregory: talk Gaza to me

Friedman: i love George Mitchell but Obama needs to get involved

Gregory: of course

Friedman: also we need to get an agreement with Iran, Syria, Hamas, the settlers, Israel and Lichtenstein

Gregory: really

Friedman: it's really complex

Hayes: Hamas are swarthy terrorists

Obama: hey tyrants let's unclench our fists and do the fist-bump

Norris: wow he sounds reasonable which is very controversial

Gregory: I hope Bam is like Bush

Hayes: people think Bush wasn't diplomatic which is true but people shouldn't think it

Gregory: Obama issued a lot of executive orders - has Obama completely failed?

Friedman: Gitmo was a great idea at first - after our enemies are not nice guys like the KGB

Gregory: of course

Friedman: one more hijacked plane and we'll all be flying nude

Gregory: Flip flops

Gregory: i bet if a Democrat had been President on 9/11 he would have done all the same things

Hayes: the Jack Bauer exception is fictional therefore we should let drive all governmental policies

Gregory: [ smirks ]

Gregory: Obama says he's against lobbyists and he did issue the executive order but Oh NoeS!! there is a lobbyist in the Pentagon!!!

Norris: Oh NOES!!!

Gregory: oh noe!

Hayes: oh noe!

Friedman: [ stokes mustache ]

Gregory: Let me return to my Favorite Obsession: Blago!!

[ smirks ]

Gregory: hoo boy this is bad for Obama!!!

Hayes: hee hee hee

Gregory: this is bad for Obama!

The Chris Matthews Show - January 25, 2009

The Chris Matthews Show
January 25, 2009

Matthews: OMG Obama is doing a great job and doesn't hate america!!!

Woodward: hey we have a new president and he's extending a hand and it doesn't have a black glove it!!

Tweety: he laid a wreath at the tomb of unknown empire builders but he also likes diplomacy!

Fineman: he likes openness

O'Donnell: stagecraft is all well and good but soon he will be in the Swamp

Kornblut: Obama went into the basement looking for all the bodies Bush / Cheney may have left

Fineman: Obama has curiosity and Bush had the attention span of a fruit fly with ADHD

Woodward: Ford toasted his own english muffins

Matthews: What can Bill Clinton and Bush teach Obama?

Woodward: to be strategic, not have sex with interns and also don't be a total dumbass

Matthews: wow

Fineman: Obama fucked up the inaugural by not calling for tax cuts or tax increases - so so sad

Matthews: Let's talk about what really matters - Republicans!

Kornbluth: Obama is very stubborn by still being President in week 2

Woodward: The only way for this to work is for a Banker to go on tv and say to the American people 'i'm finally making money now'

Matthews: oh yeah

Woodward: talk to people on Wall Street

Fineman: we need to get the sherriffs to stop foreclosing

Tweety: there's a new sherriff in town

Woodward: Obama failed by not asking us for patients so so sad

Matthews: wow Obama is against torture but he might arrest Bush officials

Woodward: let's not dwell on who tortured who - some crazy liberals want to investigate and end the war on terror and we are still in grave danger

O'Donnell: Obama risks alienating Republicans if he enforces the law - there's no political upside to following the truth

Kornbluth: Obama wants to move on

Tweety: so we only go after the little guys

Fineman: Harry Reid is terrified of alienating the GOP

Woodward: who you investigate - the good American boys and girls who were ordered to torture or Bush is now in Paraguy?? face it - it's over

O'Donnell: Caroline will be back and toothier than ever!

Woodward: Obama scandals are just to come!!

Kornblut: A lot of people want to run in Saratoga

Tweety: who is the front runner?

Kornblut: Smarty Jones

Matthews: wow what was in teh letter Bush wrote to Obama???


Woodward: i bet he was upbeat, positive, gracious, and totally out of touch with reality

Kornblut: "Go for the labradoodle, Bammy"

Fineman: probably a wish to have the sky-god protect him

Tweety: i bet he told him to hide the liquor from the missus

Friday, January 23, 2009

Robert Gibbs Press Conference

Robert Gibbs Press Conference
January 22, 2009

Gibbs: First I would like to announce that President Obama will be receiving a Economic Daily Briefing - it will be like the PDB on security except it will be economic and Obama won't be ignoring it

Press: oooooh

Gibbs: Bush has handed us an economic emergency as you know - but as Barack Obama told me this morning - chill the fuck out i got this

Press: will really not torture or are just saying you won't but really will for ticking time bombs and stuff?

Gibbs: look Obama wants to protect people but we think the Army Field Manual is pretty good - and by the way it does allow torture for people who talk on cell phones in restaurants

Press: [ murmurs approval ]

Chip Reid: Republicans say if you let the terrorists out and give them $100, a new suit and raw uranium they will go out and fight America again

Gibbs: Chipper this order makes America safer and stronger and I don't care what some whiny ass titty babies say

C-Todd: did obama go back and re-sign the orders he signed before he re-swore on a koran and shouldn't he re-run for office out of an abundance of caution?

Gibbs: this has happened before - for example william howard taft swore to "uphold a virginia ham"

C-Todd: but you didn't release video from his re-swearing in

Gibbs: well Obama was in his superman underwear and Roberts was in feetie jammies

ABC: back to torture - doesn't this put America at risk from swarthy foreigners?

Gibbs: no

ABC: but the CIA director disagrees!

Gibbs: well fuck him - he's not the President Obama is and he's the only one who matters

Ed Henry: how can you say Obama has made America safe when swarthy men walk free among us, leering at our white women with impunity?

Gibbs: Did you not hear me when I said Obama is the new sheriff in town?

Ed Henry: i thought it was like a movie where the black guy disappears and a white guy takes over

Ed Henry: but you have no plan for the orange-suited swarthies!!

Gibbs: maybe they'll move in with you Ed

Ed: ok one of your nominees was a Raytheon lobbyist and Obama banned lobbyists

Gibbs: No, Obama has banned Dobbyists - he's freed the House Elves

Ed Henry: that's good news for Alan Colmes

Garrett: if you captured Osama bin Laden you really wouldn't torture him??

Gibbs: for what information - like where his driver is hiding?

Garrett: exactly

Garrett: talk money to me

Gibbs: Geithner, bitch!

Garrett: ok so torture Osama or not

Gibbs: well let's catch him first unlike Stupid

Press: will Obama save the economy?

Gibbs: we can if Congress gets off its ass

Press: but Obama is supposed to be the messiah…

Gibbs: you are getting sleepy.... very sleepy.....

Press: But but but-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Press: will Obama buy all the toxic assets?

Gibbs: like the rights to Dick Cheney's memoirs?

Press: no i meant housing

Gibbs: calm down people we got this

Thomas: is torture wrong or not?

Gibbs: yes it is

Thomas: so what about all the secret prisons and renditionings and and the Grammy awards?

Gibbs: Under Obama boy bands will finally be stopped

Press: What about peace in the middle east?

Gibbs: we should have that done by next Friday

Press: why so long?

Gibbs: Barack is busy curing cancer and fixing the Super Bowl

Press: Obama thinks personal responsibility is important - who does he think are lazy?

Gibbs: George W. Bush and Wall Street

Press: whew! not the press!

Press: did Bush give late orders to torture liberals?

Gibbs: no but why take a chance?

Press: how was the first night in the White House

Gibbs: does the phrase "Most-Powerful-Couple-in-the-World-Sex" mean anything to you?

Press: why have off the record conversations?

Gibbs: you can write whatever you want

Press: can we his first name?

Gibbs: it's the same as a brazilian soccer star

Press: Pele?

Press: why has Obama not appointed any southerners to visible positions?

Gibbs: heh heh heh

Press: Obama isn't going to withdraw from Iraq is he?

Gibbs: he will consult with officers and Iraqis and the he will remind them that he is the motherfucking President!!

Press: you control the only image of Obama being sworn in!

Gibbs: what the hell - it's a swearing-in he didn't sacrifice a chicken

Press: yeah well he’s not Sarah Palin is he

Press: has Obama surrendered the War on Terrorism???

Gibbs: no it's over and we won

Press: will Barack sign an order cutting his salary?

Gibbs: that would be against the law

Press: but he could give money back to the Treasury!!

Gibbs: cause he's a greedy black man - sheesh

Press: will Obama admit the Republicans are right about everything?

Gibbs: this is fun.. there is something i forgot to say at the beginning... Obama is the MOTHERFUCKING PRESIDENT!!!

Press: but the Republicans -


Press: they honeymood is over!!

Gibbs: yeah that 94-2 vote for Hillary Clinton was depressing

Press: why not 98 - 2?

Gibbs: cause david patterson can't make up his damm mind

Press: does the President have tek-know-legy

Gibbs: the President put the black in blackberry

Press: does Obama twitter?

Gibbs: yeah he lets updates me on teh score of football games?

Press: what kind of idiots read football scores on a blog?

Press: some whiny senators are miffed at Barack

Gibbs: yes they're adorable when the run to teh press and cry their little eyes out

Press: what's your plan to deal with it?

Gibbs: the President has created an Internal Binkie Task Force to address the problem

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Meet the Press - January 18, 2009

Meet the Press
January 18, 2009
Guest: Rahm Emmanuel

Gregory: what will our new Kenyan-American Overlord say on Tuesday?

Emmanuel: he will say that for too long we've had a culture of Anything Goes!

Gregory: in olden times a glimpse of stocking was really quite shocking

Emmanuel: indeed

Gregory: what will we be sacrificing?

Emmanuel: not it's about sarifice it's about a value system of responsibility

Gregory: I just realized that after 25 years of big Republican spending that government spending is bad and staggering!!

Emmanuel: yes i noticed monkey-face

Gregory: i never cited 'per household debt' while Bush was president but as of today we under Obama Rules

Emmanuel: Republicans - Anything They Want; Democrats - Bad Whatever They DO

Gregory: I see you've Played Sunday TV before

Emmanuel: indeed i have Dancin' Dave

Gregory: but the debt!!

Emmanuel: hey Dancin' Fool the Dems handded Stupid a surplus and we in the middle of a vast and major economic crisis

Gregory: Yes but under Obama Rules Bush tax cuts for the rich are awesome and middle class tax cuts are irresponsible

Emmanuel: you are a silly person

Gregory: Jerry Lewis said Pell Grants, physics research, habitat restoration are OHHHHHMAAAAYYYY

Emmanuel: oh yeah right fuck college education

Gregory: but, but, but, it's not shovel ready!!

Emmanuel: why don't go dance with karl rove you hypocritical fucker

Gregory: What do you say to critics who say that Obama is actually to trying to implement the policies he was elected to do?

Emmanuel: he is

Gregory: but i don't recall sally quinn giving her permission

Emmanuel: i don't recall her winning the state of Indiana

Gregory: i obsessed on Blago last week and now Tim Geithner

Emmanuel: hey did you know a historic inauguration is taking place next week?

Gregory: whine whine whine

Gregory: let me return to my obsession with Roland Burris

Emmanuel: you need therapy dude

Gregory: but King Obama let Burris be seated

Emmanuel: he has to follow the law

Gregory: no i'm pretty sure Presidents don't have to do that

Gregory: what conversations did you have about Blago the senate seat

Emmanuel: fuck you

Gregory: but the transcripts show you did nothing wrong how do you response to this proof of your guilt

Emmanuel: fuck your mother David

Gregory: is he Blago guilty?

Emmanuel: fuck your sister too

Gregory: ok

Gregory: Is Bush a great President because we only had one Biggest Domestic Attack Ever??

Emmanuel: yes it's the great joy of my life to have only lost massive numbers of America lives in a preventable attack only that one time

Gregory: Polls say a huge number of people - 29% - say people want bipartisanship - but you are mean and evil

Emmanuel: Obama is the motherfucking president and I am willing to work with Republicans in our joint efforts to crushing conservatives and salting the earth with the dust of their bones

Gregory: well ok then - anything else you want to add to change the tone

Emmanuel: thanks for having me Dave and oh fuck you

Gregory: this is a historic moment

Goodwin: more than most - economic crisis, wars, and first black President

Gregory: indeed

Goodwin: plus Obama is a great writer and orator

Gregory: it's quite something

Goodwin: people will be watching in diners and bars

Brokaw: even Republicans are willing to set aside their hate because their 401ks are shrinking

Gregory: if MLK were here we would 80 and a ghost

Smiley: King would be happy today but it's not all about Black Faces in High Places

Gregory: he's very tall

Smiley: Obama's got to challenge the US people

Todd: He's testing driving his inaugural address

Gregory: he's a poet not a prosaic

Todd: the number one thing he has to do is make people sacrifice which is what all Democrats must do

Brooks: we need to move beyond Democratic ideology and unite behind massive spending and investing social security in the stock market

Gregory: is Obama Abe Lincoln?

Goodwin: I slept with Lincoln and his beard itched me

Brokaw: what was the Lincoln bedroom like?

Goodwin: when it's rocking don't come knockin - unless it's to announce the civil war is over

Gregory: i never knew you were Abe's lover

Doris: i lived with him for years and woke up with him every morning and slept with him every night

Smiley: if he's Lincoln then who is Frederick Douglass?

Gregory: Liberal bloggers

Brokaw: i drove out to Bull Run yesterday and reminisce about my days fighting there

Brooks: Lincoln was born a poor black banker - he hated the nanny state

Brokaw: the Greatest Generation brought us war-winning and arts

Gregory: did they really

Brokaw: i hate baby boomers but the real point is that the Great Generation
was tough and we've gotten soft gawd dammit

[ waves rake ]

Gregory: who is Obama?

Todd: Obama is an appeaser

Gregory: that's good

Todd: midnight basketball is for weenies

Smiley: we need to get large amounts of federal bailout money to poor people

Brokaw: ha ha ha -- thanks i needed a laugh in these tough times

Brokaw: people are losing their second homes!

Smiley: banks are using the money for fucking bonuses!

Brokaw: which is Obama's fault!

Gregory: let me obsess more on Blago and Warren

Brooks: what strikes me about Obama is that unlike Bush he doesn't sneer and belittle everyone who disagrees with him

Gregory: what a weirdo

Gregory: Tavis Obama snubbed you even though you are incredibly boring

Smiley: i have come to the conclusion that he ran a good campaign but i don't think Obama knows how to govern America

Gregory: and you do?

Smiley: yes i have a deep voice and middle-of-the-road positions

Goodwin: once when i was sleeping with LBJ he said America's problems are not just a negro problem

Gregory: Doris you have led one wild life

The Chris Matthews Show - January 18, 2009

The Chris Matthews Show
January 18, 2009

Matthews: I've got inauguration fever and I'm having hallucinations - last night i dreamed a black man is going to be the President!!

Rather: wow!

Matthews: is Obama JFK, FDR, or Abe?

Rather: he's OMG!

Tweety: He's not tv - he's BHO!

Kay: the BBC is runnning a 5 hour coronation special on Obama

Tweety: why?

Kay: he's international and the world finds it amazing

Whitaker: Obama was abandoned by his father and then he discovered community and he may talk about how we need to be less selfish

Tweety: I agree - let's talk about me!

Cooper: he will also ask for sacrifice

Matthews: i will sacrifice by having another tv show

Cooper: that Kenyan tribe is brainy

Whitaker: he's actually Asian

Rather: Bush said let's go shopping and the nation wants this pilot to bring America to safe water landing

Tweety: take a sad song and make it better

Rather: Hey Dude!

Matthews: people don't give a shit about marc rich

Cooper: oh no in a few weeks we'll be talking about the failed Obama presidency

Kay: the Left will attack him

Tweety: the Liberal Bloggers!

Rather: why won't the GOP go after him?

Kay: cause they suck too much

Rather: companies are disappearing - it's like that episode of Star Trek

Tweety: i love Obama

Rather: he's Obama - not a wizard

Tweety: He's got a lightning scar - he's The Kenyan Who Won!

Whitaker: he's going to reach out the Islamic world and
tell them don't worry - the minarets are coming to America

Matthews: Obama thinks he's Lincoln - but Republicans say Abe was a GOPPER and Bush says he's like Lincoln

Rather: yeah that makes sense

Matthews: but i like Gerry Ford - he said he was average which is humble and stupid

Rather: people forget the value of humor and stupidity in politics

Tweety: i never do!

Matthews: break some news!

Kay: Obama should call out israel in the inaugural

Rather: Hillary needs to pay off her debt and Chris Dodd
may be Majority Leader just like Culture of Truth predicted months ago

Cooper: Hillary is leaving America

Whitaker: Big Health Care reform in 2009 including Medicare

Tweety: i predicted Obama would be President in 2004

Audience: you say alot of shit Tweety Bird

Tweety: my drug supplier is also named Hussein and so I think he's very excited and anyone who ever came here did better than in the country they left behind especially those lucky duckies in the middle passage -- we have an enemy named Hussein but also the most popular person in America which when you think about it is pretty fucking amazing

Monday, January 12, 2009

Meet the Press - January 10, 2009

Meet The Press
January 10, 2009
Rep. Bonior
Bill Cosby
Alvin Poussaint

Gregory: OMG the stimulus!

Harwood: billions for bridges, green jobs, tax cuts and happy stuff

Bonior: hell we need a trillion dollars to rescue the American economy

Gregory: i miss our Ponzi economy

Bonior: we need something better than that

Gregory: Obama said he plans to save America by the end of 2010

McLean: that's all very nice but what if we build up too much debt??

Gregory: we will have misery until 2010 - so sad

Gigot: but the Federal Reserve is printing magic money so that's good news

Gregory: Obama may have too much tax cuts which are too popular we all know its Democrats job to do unpopular thigns so Republicans can take power back

Gigot: that's right that's just how it works

Harwood: Debt by Democrats is bad - everyone knows that

McLean: right

Gigot: we need to give corporations the incentive to buy gold shower curtains

Gregory: will Obama save us all??

Bonior: oh it will pass and with GOP votes so they can't complain later

Gregory: [ high pitched whiny voice ] but it's expensive and it takes too long!!

Bonior: well what else?

Gregory: Hair tax credit for tv newsreaders??

Harwood: Obama needs a little flack from liberals to get broad support

Gregory: interesting

Harwood: he's got Boner, McConnell and Coburn on his side

Gregory: this is going to blow people away - Obama plans on spending $ 2 trillion

Gigot: why for that money we could invade and fail to occupy Myanmar

Gregory: i hate Obama!!

Gigot: hey the GOP spend some of this

Gregory: enough of the liberals at the Wall St. Journal editorial board!

McLean: no one ever talks about making people suffer anymore it's very sad

Gigot: the big bang for the buck is printing more money

Gregory: that's sounds like fun

Gigot: shoving money at people is awesome

Harwood: what's the exit strategy??

[viewer: where the fuck were all these questions 6 years ago???? ]

Bonior: we have to have a new Green economy

Gregory: speaking of that - Obama is building up too much debt!!!!

Gigot: Deficits matter!!

Gregory: I'm putting on my worried monkey-face

Gigot: i have to admit it's not all bad - debts to buy an aircraft carrier to win the Cold War is genius - if it goes to green jobs and bike paths its a waste

Harwood: i like Paul because he's good looking and completely insane

Gregory: the chinese!

McLean: what if they decide to stop lending to us?!!?

Gregory: Bush's beloved tax cuts!

Bonior: 10% of population take 90% of economic gains in the US

Gregory: well they are doing the hard work of spouting nonsense on TV

Bonior: sorry but Joe Biden is in charge now

Gregory: [ sobs ] I hate homeowners

McLean: house prices are still high compared to income

Gregory: what about capitalism?

Zandi: i will survive!

Gigot: we will become Europe which will be very tragic

The Chris Matthews Show - January 10, 2009

The Chris Matthews Show
January 10, 2009

Matthews: OMG is this the end of white America????

Page: No it's just more a tan America

O'Donnell: we are on teh cusp of a non-white America!!

Tweety: yeah in 2042

Noron: I'm panicking now!!

Parker: I'm so confused - I mean obama had a white mother and he threw her under the bus

Tweety: I'm white!!

Matthews: what will happen to the WASPs???

Page: Killer African bees wiped them out dude

Salaam: Everyone loves a little ethnicity

Parker: one of my best friends is a cuban

Tweety: I once met Al Pacino!

Matthews: Burriss smells like teen scandal

Page: hey in politics race matters

Tweety: what if Burriss was white?

Page: then Blago would not have nominated him

Salam: Blago is pretty smart for a white guy

Tweety: where are all the black Senators?

Salam: Idaho will elect a leprechaun before they elect a black guy

Matthews: Obama said poor whites cling to guns god and gays

Page: It's true

Parker: No people cling to guns because they belong to a culture of shooting people

Page: because they're afraid

Parker: i cling to wine myself

Page: well that's my point

Parker: Obama is black and so could never relate to a culture of guns

Matthews: OMG Obama met with the former Presnits!!!

O'Donnell: Obama called this meeting so he could have a photo op with the old guys

Tweety: he can learn from Carter to unite blacks and whites

Noron: he knows that already stupid

Page: he learned from Bush I to pretend he cares about the little people

Tweety: no he learned to send thank you notes to world leaders

Parker: the interns

Panel: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Salam: he can learn from George W Bush to build up the party

Tweety: huh?

Salam: well sure he failed but he was reelected

Parker: Clearly Obama has learned from Stupid that stubborness is bad

Tweety: wow

Noron: Obama has become the spokesman for the Black Berry

Tweety: this reminds me of when Eleanor endorsed margarine

Page: Harry Reid has no spine

Tweety: i said tell me something i don't know

Parker: people whisper to me that i worked for Reagan but they voted for Obama

Salam: Obama isn't rewarding loyalty because he wants a big tent

Tweety: wow

Matthews: why are the Dems fighting Obama more than the GOP

O'Donnell: because they can

Page: now is the time

Parker: they're whiners

Salam: they are not potted plants!!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Meet The Press - January 4, 2009

January 4, 2009
Guest: Sen. Harry Reid

Gregory: hi i hope you all a terrific new year and oh some rockets fired somewhere

Engel: rockets go up and rockets go down

Gregory: interesting

Engel: so Israel in now moving ground forces in

Gregory: but Hamas has weapons that doesn't seem fair

Engel: don't worry Israel has bulldozers

Gregory: oh ok

Gregory: no one likes Hamas

Engel: true the governments don't but the people on the street support Palestinians

Gregory: cease fire

Engel: Israel would love one but first Hamas can't have any weapons

Gregory: makes sense

Gregory: Senator was this offensive or defensive?

Reid: well i asked the Prime Minister and he told Hamas has to come to their sense and stop climbing fences

Gregory: so sad

Reid: hey they gave them Gaza as a a gesture for peace if it were us we would invade canada

Gregory: forcibly remove Hamas?

Reid: yes - no - whatever

Gregory: why not seat Burris

Reid: oh i now i can't Blago is obviously corrupt

Gregory: he hasn't even been charged!!

Reid: irrelevant he's got a big cloud over his head

Gregory: now what

Reid: if he steps down then he can appoint who he wants

Gregory: I'm confused

Gregory: will you refuse to seat Burriss

Reid: hey the Senate can seat anyone we want even George Bush's horse

Gregory: some say Burris' appointment is legal

Reid: yeah but Adam Clayton Powell had been accused of something in this case Burris has not

Gregory: mah haid is spinning

Reid: everyone in Illinois is tainted

Gregory: isn't this about your fear of being accused of taint

Reid: oh no I don't think so

Gregory: strong denial!

Gregory: you rejected three black men and now you say you don't hate blacks

Reid: David you fell Blago's lies

Gregory: but you might be on tape!

Reid: so what Blago just makes shit up

Gregory: well don't we all

Gregory: Prince says you're a racist

Reid: purple states rain!

bobby rush: just appoint the black man!

Gregory: will send the police to block Burris

Reid: i will do whatever mitch mcconnell wants to do

Gregory: sounds good

Gregory: what is the most important goal for the government

Reid: to be bipartisan

Gregory: what if that stops getting something done

Reid: too bad

Gregory: what else

Reid: my batteries need to be replaced and the Vegas housing bubble needs to be reinflated

Gregory: sounds good

Reid: also America is now so rich all cancer treatment has been halted and patients have been a big foam finger USA # 1

Gregory: solution?

Reid: stop all foreclosures - no wait no

Gregory: do you have any ideas at all

Reid: we have a dem president and dem senate and dem house so i need to check with Mitch McConnell

Gregory: payroll tax cut?

Reid: umm hmm i dunno

Gregory: my 401k sucks so please solve it desert boy

Reid: i plan to write a strongly-worded letter to the SEC

Gregory: really

Reid: well not too strongly-worded

Gregory: you say the 2008 election proved Americans are centrists

Reid: i plan on working with John McCain

Gregory: but he lost!

Reid: but he's mah fwend

Gregory: you were wrong about Iraq!

Reid: true but I was right when said the war was lost it was lost

Gregory: but teh Surge!

Reid: pheh

Gregory: but the war cannot be lost - we're Americans!

Reid: mwew

Gregory: don't you regret being mean to poor widdle George Bus?

Reid: heh heh heh i regret that we let that incompetent dick run this counrty in the ground for 8 years

Gregory: meanie

The Chris Matthews Show - January 4, 2009

January 4, 2009

Matthews: OMG Obama said he feels pressure to keep the promises he made but the Villlage will pressure him not to!!!

Burnett: well why not cut middle class tax cuts?

Brooks: everyone likes middles class tax cuts!

Matthews: well why didn't George Bush do it?

Brooksies: ah i just found out - he's an asshole

Matthews: raise taxes on the rich?

Klein: no there aren't any left after Bush's presidency

Matthews: 2 million news jobs!??

Burnett: he's going to build 1 million news tennis courts and pools

Brooks: amen!

Tweety: but it won't happen tomorrow that liar!

Klein: he's not a presidential candidate who lies - he means what he says

Tweety: wow!

Klein: they will be shovel-ready jobs

Tweety: i've got something he can shovel!

Tweety: i want to to talk to a smart conservative - but instead here's david brooks

Brooks: i'm filled with foreboding in my experience government never works

Tweety: who do you know?

Brooks: conservatives

Klein: aha

Tweety: wow health care is favored by business

Burnett: shocking I know

Brooks: my irrational fears are troubling to me

Tweety: we are going to need alot more doctors and nurses

Klein: yes the american system is a mess

Tweety: i was talking about me

Tweety: holy shit barack blinded me with a science-based administration

Burnett: i want me some stell cells

Brooks: i'm scared i eat carbon for breakfast

Burnett: wind sucks

Tweety: i bathe in oil

Tweety: OMG Nixon's entire career was based on hypocrisy!!

Burnett: heee heee

Tweety: Bush I and Bush II too

Brooks: oh well you can nit pick

Klein: those were the days

Tweety: OMG Obama was elected on a promise to withdraw from Iraq will he please stay!!

Brooks: sadly the Iraqis want us to lead - which means Obama must lie to them and the people to stay

Tweety: Afghanistan forever!!

Brooks: it turns out Obama was right which means he was wrong

Klein: you idiots the reason its tough is because it's important

Tweety: can we invade Grenada again that was fun

Brooks: boo yah!

Tweety: wow Obama promised to be a dumbfuck on Israel

Klein: turns out the middle east is not easy for America to solve

Burnett: why does America have to solve it at all

Brooks: don't worry your pretty head Erin we're men so we're experts on everything from Syria to nuclear power

Norah: can i talk?

Tweety: sure i dig you sweetums

O'Donnell: Longer school days!

Tweety: the nuns used to beat me

Burnett: i knew i would be on your tv show tweety so i brought toilet paper

Tweety: the golden lining for the economy?

Burnett: the rich still are swimming in money

Brooks: don't squeeze me bro!
Tweety: will Obama win the presidency again?!!?

Norah: air force one baby!

Burnett: he'll have a good year if he gets a good stimulus

Brooks: he will have a good year if he gives in to Republicans early

Klein: in your dreams weiner