Sunday, January 25, 2009

Meet The Press - January 25, 2009

Meet the Press
January 25, 2009
Larry Summers
Rep. John Boehner

Gregory: talk money to me big guy

Summers: this is the worst economy since FDR was in office - Bam is inheriting a shithole from George W. Bush

Gregory: you say we are crashing yet others say we are completely imploding so why only a little trillion dollar stimulus?

Summers: hey dude this is just one bill in our strategy to spend what is necessary to get going

Gregory: but its too small

Summers: size isn't everything

Gregory: but but but don't you need a bigger package

Summers: can i talk?

Gregory: no this is my show and i love the sound of my own whiny voice

Summers: ok but

Gregory: i talk more now

Summers: we also have tax cuts

Gregory: Goldman Sachs is very worried you are not spending enough tax dollars

Summers: hey we're printing money as fast as we can and then we
will drop bundles of cash from helicopters on towns all across America

Gregory: oh so it's like what we did in Iraq

Summers: exactly and look how well that went

Gregory: why are you wasting all this money on the national endowment for arts goddammit the Republicans won in 2008 don't they get to have a say

Summers: no they lost

Gregory: well whatever

Summers: I know David Gregory thinks Pell Grants are an incredible
waste of money since this is the second week you have brought it up

Gregory: no, not me - Republicans

Summers: well whatever

Gregory: Speaking of Republicans they want to keep the tax cuts for billionaires

Summers: well

Gregory: don't talk

Summers: but

Gregory: shhhh

Summers: uhh

Gregory: zip it

Gregory: why not put off Obama's promises until 2013 after his term is over

Summers: i heard you were out of your fucking mind Dave but i
never realized just how far your head was up karl rove's ass

Summers: Obama wants to cut taxes for 95% of Americans

Gregory: but how can we afford that??

Summers: because middle class people will spend their tax cut unlike wealthy people

Gregory: the banks only got $700 billion which is gone so naturally will you give them even more?

Summers: oh of course - we must throw massive amounts of money at failed institutions so people can get back to buying Hummers again

Gregory: truly your genius is dazzling

Summers: well i am a man

Gregory: why can't you make the banks lend?

Summers: ironic that the GOP brought us socialism isn't it?

Gregory: heh heh

Summers: but actually we're not the owners - we just gave the money away

Gregory: well that's strange

Summers: look it would be irresponsible for banks to lend without a good reason

Gregory: well what did they do with the money we gave them?

Summers: $1,400 trash cans

Gregory: what do you say to people who are afraid for the economic future and want to send their kids to college?

Summers: those lazy people need to work harder and play by the rules

Gregory: that's it?

Summers: also send the boys to college and the girls to seamstress school

Gregory: whine to me baby

Boehner: we whined to the President on Friday telling him that he should adopt right-wing failed policies

Gregory: but the GOP are the all time borrow-and-spend champions

Boehner: that's true but this time we really really mean it

Gregory: mean what

Boehner: that the answer is... Tax Cuts!!!!

Gregory: what a shock

Gregory: what's wrong with infrastructure tan-boy

Boehner: direct aid to the states is crazy - did you some of them allow gay marriage, abortion, and minorities to vote?

Gregory: raise taxes on the rich?

Boehner: so sad it's all little mom and pop businesses making $250,000 a year

Gregory: Obama said "i won" and you suck

Boehner: hey Clinton's budget passed without a single GOP vote and look at what a disaster that was

Gregory: everyone loves Obama but you Tear-Jerk

Boehner: oh so do we the GOP in Congres Luvs Obama

Gregory: ok ok don't cry

Boehner: [ wipes tear ]

Gregory: here's a binkie

Boehner: [ sniffs ] thanks

Gregory: bailout?

Boehner: i supported it when Bush was President and hate it now Obama is President

Gregory: got it

Gregory: Close Gitmo?

Boehner: hey Bush and McCain wanted to close it too but what do you do will all the people we tortured???

Gregory: i dunno - a prison?

Boehner: never heard of it - they're all on the battlefield!

Gregory: love is a battlefield

Boehner: if liberals want to let them go we can put them in Alcatraz

Gregory: it's a museum dumbass

Boehner: [ sobs ]

Gregory: what's the future of the GOP

Boehner: hey I've had every bad rotten job there is - i was a chicken sexer, and semen collector, sewer inspector and i also worked with Tom Delay

Gregory: dirty jobs

Boehner: but speaking for the GOP in 2008 in the worst ever

Gregory: so what do you do

Boehner: have good ideas

Gregory: what are they?

Boehner: we should have one by mid-summer

Gregory: Obama is inheriting lots of problems

Norris: that was one bummer of an inaugural

Friedman: hey it turns out wall street geniuses were really really stupid

Gregory: wow

Friedman: the economy is like a shark we're gonna need a bigger boat

Gregory: that movie ended well

Hayes: clearly the lesson in all of this is that we should listen to John Boehner

Gregory: naturally

Gregory: talk Gaza to me

Friedman: i love George Mitchell but Obama needs to get involved

Gregory: of course

Friedman: also we need to get an agreement with Iran, Syria, Hamas, the settlers, Israel and Lichtenstein

Gregory: really

Friedman: it's really complex

Hayes: Hamas are swarthy terrorists

Obama: hey tyrants let's unclench our fists and do the fist-bump

Norris: wow he sounds reasonable which is very controversial

Gregory: I hope Bam is like Bush

Hayes: people think Bush wasn't diplomatic which is true but people shouldn't think it

Gregory: Obama issued a lot of executive orders - has Obama completely failed?

Friedman: Gitmo was a great idea at first - after our enemies are not nice guys like the KGB

Gregory: of course

Friedman: one more hijacked plane and we'll all be flying nude

Gregory: Flip flops

Gregory: i bet if a Democrat had been President on 9/11 he would have done all the same things

Hayes: the Jack Bauer exception is fictional therefore we should let drive all governmental policies

Gregory: [ smirks ]

Gregory: Obama says he's against lobbyists and he did issue the executive order but Oh NoeS!! there is a lobbyist in the Pentagon!!!

Norris: Oh NOES!!!

Gregory: oh noe!

Hayes: oh noe!

Friedman: [ stokes mustache ]

Gregory: Let me return to my Favorite Obsession: Blago!!

[ smirks ]

Gregory: hoo boy this is bad for Obama!!!

Hayes: hee hee hee

Gregory: this is bad for Obama!

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