Meet the Press
January 25, 2009
Rep. John Boehner
Gregory: talk money to me big guy
Summers: this is the worst economy since FDR was in office - Bam is inheriting a shithole from George W. Bush
Gregory: you say we are crashing yet others say we are completely imploding so why only a little trillion dollar stimulus?
Summers: hey dude this is just one bill in our strategy to spend what is necessary to get going
Gregory: but its too small
Summers: size isn't everything
Gregory: but but but don't you need a bigger package
Summers: can i talk?
Gregory: no this is my show and i love the sound of my own whiny voice
Summers: ok but
Gregory: i talk more now
Summers: we also have tax cuts
Gregory: Goldman Sachs is very worried you are not spending enough tax dollars
Summers: hey we're printing money as fast as we can and then we
will drop bundles of cash from helicopters on towns all across America
Gregory: oh so it's like what we did in Iraq
Summers: exactly and look how well that went
Gregory: why are you wasting all this money on the national endowment for arts goddammit the Republicans won in 2008 don't they get to have a say
Summers: no they lost
Gregory: well whatever
Summers: I know David Gregory thinks Pell Grants are an incredible
waste of money since this is the second week you have brought it up
Gregory: no, not me - Republicans
Summers: well whatever
Gregory: Speaking of Republicans they want to keep the tax cuts for billionaires
Gregory: don't talk
Gregory: zip it
Gregory: why not put off Obama's promises until 2013 after his term is over
Summers: i heard you were out of your fucking mind Dave but i
never realized just how far your head was up karl rove's ass
Summers: Obama wants to cut taxes for 95% of Americans
Gregory: but how can we afford that??
Summers: because middle class people will spend their tax cut unlike wealthy people
Gregory: the banks only got $700 billion which is gone so naturally will you give them even more?
Summers: oh of course - we must throw massive amounts of money at failed institutions so people can get back to buying Hummers again
Gregory: truly your genius is dazzling
Summers: well i am a man
Gregory: why can't you make the banks lend?
Summers: ironic that the GOP brought us socialism isn't it?
Gregory: heh heh
Summers: but actually we're not the owners - we just gave the money away
Gregory: well that's strange
Summers: look it would be irresponsible for banks to lend without a good reason
Gregory: well what did they do with the money we gave them?
Summers: $1,400 trash cans
Gregory: what do you say to people who are afraid for the economic future and want to send their kids to college?
Summers: those lazy people need to work harder and play by the rules
Gregory: that's it?
Summers: also send the boys to college and the girls to seamstress school
Gregory: whine to me baby
Boehner: we whined to the President on Friday telling him that he should adopt right-wing failed policies
Gregory: but the GOP are the all time borrow-and-spend champions
Boehner: that's true but this time we really really mean it
Gregory: mean what
Boehner: that the answer is... Tax Cuts!!!!
Gregory: what a shock
Gregory: what's wrong with infrastructure tan-boy
Boehner: direct aid to the states is crazy - did you some of them allow gay marriage, abortion, and minorities to vote?
Gregory: raise taxes on the rich?
Boehner: so sad it's all little mom and pop businesses making $250,000 a year
Gregory: Obama said "i won" and you suck
Boehner: hey Clinton's budget passed without a single GOP vote and look at what a disaster that was
Gregory: everyone loves Obama but you Tear-Jerk
Boehner: oh so do we the GOP in Congres Luvs Obama
Gregory: ok ok don't cry
Boehner: [ wipes tear ]
Gregory: here's a binkie
Boehner: [ sniffs ] thanks
Boehner: i supported it when Bush was President and hate it now Obama is President
Gregory: got it
Gregory: Close Gitmo?
Boehner: hey Bush and McCain wanted to close it too but what do you do will all the people we tortured???
Gregory: i dunno - a prison?
Boehner: never heard of it - they're all on the battlefield!
Gregory: love is a battlefield
Boehner: if liberals want to let them go we can put them in Alcatraz
Gregory: it's a museum dumbass
Boehner: [ sobs ]
Gregory: what's the future of the GOP
Boehner: hey I've had every bad rotten job there is - i was a chicken sexer, and semen collector, sewer inspector and i also worked with Tom Delay
Gregory: dirty jobs
Boehner: but speaking for the GOP in 2008 in the worst ever
Gregory: so what do you do
Boehner: have good ideas
Gregory: what are they?
Boehner: we should have one by mid-summer
Gregory: Obama is inheriting lots of problems
Norris: that was one bummer of an inaugural
Friedman: hey it turns out wall street geniuses were really really stupid
Friedman: the economy is like a shark we're gonna need a bigger boat
Gregory: that movie ended well
Hayes: clearly the lesson in all of this is that we should listen to John Boehner
Gregory: talk Gaza to me
Friedman: i love George Mitchell but Obama needs to get involved
Gregory: of course
Friedman: also we need to get an agreement with Iran, Syria, Hamas, the settlers, Israel and Lichtenstein
Friedman: it's really complex
Hayes: Hamas are swarthy terrorists
Obama: hey tyrants let's unclench our fists and do the fist-bump
Norris: wow he sounds reasonable which is very controversial
Gregory: I hope Bam is like Bush
Hayes: people think Bush wasn't diplomatic which is true but people shouldn't think it
Gregory: Obama issued a lot of executive orders - has Obama completely failed?
Friedman: Gitmo was a great idea at first - after our enemies are not nice guys like the KGB
Gregory: of course
Friedman: one more hijacked plane and we'll all be flying nude
Gregory: Flip flops
Gregory: i bet if a Democrat had been President on 9/11 he would have done all the same things
Hayes: the Jack Bauer exception is fictional therefore we should let drive all governmental policies
Gregory: [ smirks ]
Gregory: Obama says he's against lobbyists and he did issue the executive order but Oh NoeS!! there is a lobbyist in the Pentagon!!!
Norris: Oh NOES!!!
Gregory: oh noe!
Hayes: oh noe!
Friedman: [ stokes mustache ]
Gregory: Let me return to my Favorite Obsession: Blago!!
[ smirks ]
Gregory: hoo boy this is bad for Obama!!!
Hayes: hee hee hee
Gregory: this is bad for Obama!