Robert Gibbs Press Conference
January 22, 2009
Gibbs: First I would like to announce that President Obama will be receiving a Economic Daily Briefing - it will be like the PDB on security except it will be economic and Obama won't be ignoring it
Gibbs: Bush has handed us an economic emergency as you know - but as Barack Obama told me this morning - chill the fuck out i got this
Press: will really not torture or are just saying you won't but really will for ticking time bombs and stuff?
Gibbs: look Obama wants to protect people but we think the Army Field Manual is pretty good - and by the way it does allow torture for people who talk on cell phones in restaurants
Press: [ murmurs approval ]
Chip Reid: Republicans say if you let the terrorists out and give them $100, a new suit and raw uranium they will go out and fight America again
Gibbs: Chipper this order makes America safer and stronger and I don't care what some whiny ass titty babies say
C-Todd: did obama go back and re-sign the orders he signed before he re-swore on a koran and shouldn't he re-run for office out of an abundance of caution?
Gibbs: this has happened before - for example william howard taft swore to "uphold a virginia ham"
C-Todd: but you didn't release video from his re-swearing in
Gibbs: well Obama was in his superman underwear and Roberts was in feetie jammies
ABC: back to torture - doesn't this put America at risk from swarthy foreigners?
ABC: but the CIA director disagrees!
Gibbs: well fuck him - he's not the President Obama is and he's the only one who matters
Ed Henry: how can you say Obama has made America safe when swarthy men walk free among us, leering at our white women with impunity?
Gibbs: Did you not hear me when I said Obama is the new sheriff in town?
Ed Henry: i thought it was like a movie where the black guy disappears and a white guy takes over
Ed Henry: but you have no plan for the orange-suited swarthies!!
Gibbs: maybe they'll move in with you Ed
Ed: ok one of your nominees was a Raytheon lobbyist and Obama banned lobbyists
Gibbs: No, Obama has banned Dobbyists - he's freed the House Elves
Ed Henry: that's good news for Alan Colmes
Garrett: if you captured Osama bin Laden you really wouldn't torture him??
Gibbs: for what information - like where his driver is hiding?
Garrett: talk money to me
Gibbs: Geithner, bitch!
Garrett: ok so torture Osama or not
Gibbs: well let's catch him first unlike Stupid
Press: will Obama save the economy?
Gibbs: we can if Congress gets off its ass
Press: but Obama is supposed to be the messiah…
Gibbs: you are getting sleepy.... very sleepy.....
Press: But but but-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Press: will Obama buy all the toxic assets?
Gibbs: like the rights to Dick Cheney's memoirs?
Press: no i meant housing
Gibbs: calm down people we got this
Thomas: is torture wrong or not?
Gibbs: yes it is
Thomas: so what about all the secret prisons and renditionings and and the Grammy awards?
Gibbs: Under Obama boy bands will finally be stopped
Press: What about peace in the middle east?
Gibbs: we should have that done by next Friday
Press: why so long?
Gibbs: Barack is busy curing cancer and fixing the Super Bowl
Press: Obama thinks personal responsibility is important - who does he think are lazy?
Gibbs: George W. Bush and Wall Street
Press: whew! not the press!
Press: did Bush give late orders to torture liberals?
Gibbs: no but why take a chance?
Press: how was the first night in the White House
Gibbs: does the phrase "Most-Powerful-Couple-in-the-World-Sex" mean anything to you?
Press: why have off the record conversations?
Gibbs: you can write whatever you want
Press: can we his first name?
Gibbs: it's the same as a brazilian soccer star
Press: why has Obama not appointed any southerners to visible positions?
Gibbs: heh heh heh
Press: Obama isn't going to withdraw from Iraq is he?
Gibbs: he will consult with officers and Iraqis and the he will remind them that he is the motherfucking President!!
Press: you control the only image of Obama being sworn in!
Gibbs: what the hell - it's a swearing-in he didn't sacrifice a chicken
Press: yeah well he’s not Sarah Palin is he
Press: has Obama surrendered the War on Terrorism???
Gibbs: no it's over and we won
Press: will Barack sign an order cutting his salary?
Gibbs: that would be against the law
Press: but he could give money back to the Treasury!!
Gibbs: cause he's a greedy black man - sheesh
Press: will Obama admit the Republicans are right about everything?
Gibbs: this is fun.. there is something i forgot to say at the beginning... Obama is the MOTHERFUCKING PRESIDENT!!!
Press: but the Republicans -
Gibbs: CAN SUCK ON IT!
Press: they honeymood is over!!
Gibbs: yeah that 94-2 vote for Hillary Clinton was depressing
Press: why not 98 - 2?
Gibbs: cause david patterson can't make up his damm mind
Press: does the President have tek-know-legy
Gibbs: the President put the black in blackberry
Press: does Obama twitter?
Gibbs: yeah he lets updates me on teh score of football games?
Press: what kind of idiots read football scores on a blog?
Press: some whiny senators are miffed at Barack
Gibbs: yes they're adorable when the run to teh press and cry their little eyes out
Press: what's your plan to deal with it?
Gibbs: the President has created an Internal Binkie Task Force to address the problem