Friday, January 23, 2009

Robert Gibbs Press Conference

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Robert Gibbs Press Conference
January 22, 2009
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Gibbs: First I would like to announce that President Obama will be receiving a Economic Daily Briefing - it will be like the PDB on security except it will be economic and Obama won't be ignoring it

Press: oooooh

Gibbs: Bush has handed us an economic emergency as you know - but as Barack Obama told me this morning - chill the fuck out i got this

Press: will really not torture or are just saying you won't but really will for ticking time bombs and stuff?

Gibbs: look Obama wants to protect people but we think the Army Field Manual is pretty good - and by the way it does allow torture for people who talk on cell phones in restaurants

Press: [ murmurs approval ]

Chip Reid: Republicans say if you let the terrorists out and give them $100, a new suit and raw uranium they will go out and fight America again

Gibbs: Chipper this order makes America safer and stronger and I don't care what some whiny ass titty babies say

C-Todd: did obama go back and re-sign the orders he signed before he re-swore on a koran and shouldn't he re-run for office out of an abundance of caution?

Gibbs: this has happened before - for example william howard taft swore to "uphold a virginia ham"

C-Todd: but you didn't release video from his re-swearing in

Gibbs: well Obama was in his superman underwear and Roberts was in feetie jammies

ABC: back to torture - doesn't this put America at risk from swarthy foreigners?

Gibbs: no

ABC: but the CIA director disagrees!

Gibbs: well fuck him - he's not the President Obama is and he's the only one who matters

Ed Henry: how can you say Obama has made America safe when swarthy men walk free among us, leering at our white women with impunity?

Gibbs: Did you not hear me when I said Obama is the new sheriff in town?

Ed Henry: i thought it was like a movie where the black guy disappears and a white guy takes over

Ed Henry: but you have no plan for the orange-suited swarthies!!

Gibbs: maybe they'll move in with you Ed

Ed: ok one of your nominees was a Raytheon lobbyist and Obama banned lobbyists

Gibbs: No, Obama has banned Dobbyists - he's freed the House Elves

Ed Henry: that's good news for Alan Colmes

Garrett: if you captured Osama bin Laden you really wouldn't torture him??

Gibbs: for what information - like where his driver is hiding?

Garrett: exactly

Garrett: talk money to me

Gibbs: Geithner, bitch!

Garrett: ok so torture Osama or not

Gibbs: well let's catch him first unlike Stupid

Press: will Obama save the economy?

Gibbs: we can if Congress gets off its ass

Press: but Obama is supposed to be the messiah…

Gibbs: you are getting sleepy.... very sleepy.....

Press: But but but-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Press: will Obama buy all the toxic assets?

Gibbs: like the rights to Dick Cheney's memoirs?

Press: no i meant housing

Gibbs: calm down people we got this

Thomas: is torture wrong or not?

Gibbs: yes it is

Thomas: so what about all the secret prisons and renditionings and and the Grammy awards?

Gibbs: Under Obama boy bands will finally be stopped

Press: What about peace in the middle east?

Gibbs: we should have that done by next Friday

Press: why so long?

Gibbs: Barack is busy curing cancer and fixing the Super Bowl

Press: Obama thinks personal responsibility is important - who does he think are lazy?

Gibbs: George W. Bush and Wall Street

Press: whew! not the press!

Press: did Bush give late orders to torture liberals?

Gibbs: no but why take a chance?

Press: how was the first night in the White House

Gibbs: does the phrase "Most-Powerful-Couple-in-the-World-Sex" mean anything to you?

Press: why have off the record conversations?

Gibbs: you can write whatever you want

Press: can we his first name?

Gibbs: it's the same as a brazilian soccer star

Press: Pele?

Press: why has Obama not appointed any southerners to visible positions?

Gibbs: heh heh heh

Press: Obama isn't going to withdraw from Iraq is he?

Gibbs: he will consult with officers and Iraqis and the he will remind them that he is the motherfucking President!!

Press: you control the only image of Obama being sworn in!

Gibbs: what the hell - it's a swearing-in he didn't sacrifice a chicken

Press: yeah well he’s not Sarah Palin is he

Press: has Obama surrendered the War on Terrorism???

Gibbs: no it's over and we won

Press: will Barack sign an order cutting his salary?

Gibbs: that would be against the law

Press: but he could give money back to the Treasury!!

Gibbs: cause he's a greedy black man - sheesh

Press: will Obama admit the Republicans are right about everything?

Gibbs: this is fun.. there is something i forgot to say at the beginning... Obama is the MOTHERFUCKING PRESIDENT!!!

Press: but the Republicans -

Gibbs: CAN SUCK ON IT!

Press: they honeymood is over!!

Gibbs: yeah that 94-2 vote for Hillary Clinton was depressing

Press: why not 98 - 2?

Gibbs: cause david patterson can't make up his damm mind

Press: does the President have tek-know-legy

Gibbs: the President put the black in blackberry

Press: does Obama twitter?

Gibbs: yeah he lets updates me on teh score of football games?

Press: what kind of idiots read football scores on a blog?

Press: some whiny senators are miffed at Barack

Gibbs: yes they're adorable when the run to teh press and cry their little eyes out

Press: what's your plan to deal with it?

Gibbs: the President has created an Internal Binkie Task Force to address the problem