Meet The Press with Dick Durbin and Newt Gingrich

Meet The Press
May 24, 2009
Guests:
Sen. Dick Durbin
Newt Gingrich
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Gregory: what are we going to do with all these terrorists at Gitmo - let's listen to President Cheney!!!

Durbin: may I remind you that dick's lies and fear mongering cost 4,000 American lives

Gregory: but harry reid says these super terrorists are too powerful to allow on american soil

Durbin: well who gives a shit what he thinks

Gingrich: do you want to protect America or adhere to basic values?

Gregory: how long do you want to keep Gitmo open?

Gingrich: until the war is over

Gregory: when does that happen

Gingrich: look it’s simple we just keep torturing people until hate for America disappears

Gregory: what about their super powers to convert other prisoners to jihad??

Durbin: hey even Bush wanted to close Gitmo

Gregory: what is the source for evidence that Gitmo increases terrorism??

Durbin: the U.S. military dood

Gregory: yeah but they invaded Iraq - how can you trust the US military?

Gingrich: look we were attacked on 9/11 before Gitmo these are bad poopyheaded people!!

Durbin: would like a blankie?

Gregory: these terrorists have crazy super abilities - one of them has the ability to throw television sets several feet through the air!!

Durbin: is there someone non-insane I can talk to?

Gingrich: did you know 9/11 was planned from Attica?

Gregory: oh my god - we have to close all prisons!

Durbin: I heard you were a moron

Newt: war blah terror blah bad guys blah magneto

Gregory: would you be ok with putting al qaeda in Illinois - which i might point out has many white people

Durbin: it's a supermax prison fluffyhead - not Disneyland

[clips]

Obama: we should use common sense

Cheney: we should not give terrorists a nuclear weapon and a passport to America

Gingrich: Cheney is driven by guilt for allowing 9/11 to happen - after all he is responsible for 3,000 deaths

Gregory: well i sleep very well at night

Gingrich: also Obama is torturing people all the time

Gregory: no he isn't

Gingrich: that's relevant only if the truth matters

Gregory: has Obama kept us less safe

Gingrich: yes because Obama and Pelosi telling the truth is very threatening to the CIA

Gregory: good point

Gingrich: look do you want to protect America or do you want to tell the truth cause you can't have both

Durbin: oh fuck you and your fear mongering - George W Bush rejected Newt and Rush and Dick Cheney - Colin Powell agrees with Obama

Gingrich: look at the massacres of the Cole bombing and the Khobar Towers - we must be very very afraid

Gregory: indeed

Gingrich: they almost took out a library in Los Angeles!!

Gregory: that is scary - I’ve been meaning to read a book someday

Gingrich: i belong to the political camp that says we must cower under our beds

Durbin: well there you have it - it's whiny ass titty baby bed wetting like that got us into Iraq

Gregory: isn't Obama just like Bush?

Durbin: no

Gregory: [ grinning ] yes he is!

Durbin: you're a fucking idiot

Gregory: Newt you make vague unsupported accusations against Nancy Pelosi which are hypothetical and without foundation

Gingrich: that's right

Gregory: Durbin what about that?

Durbin: good god you are stupid

Gingrich: look it would be illegal to mislead Nancy Pelosi therefore it didn't happen

Gregory: right

Gingrich: in my opinion whatever the truth is she should hold a press conference and say she was wrong

Gregory: regardless of whether it is true

Gingrich: right - because the CIA are putting lives on the line for America

Gregory: their lives?

Gingrich: no dummy the terrorists they killed while torturing them

Durbin: hey both Newt and Hoekstra said the CIA lied to them - should you apologize

Gingrich: no that's different that was a specific incident of the CIA lying

Durbin: so how is that different from Nancy Pelosi

Gingrich: she's a woman and you know who they are with their unclean times of the month would you want one in tank or foxhole with you

Gregory: are you saying she has cooties

Gingrich: Democrats drowned susan smith's children!!

Gregory: ok ok we'll move on crazy person

Gregory: Obama wants a Supreme Court nominee with heart - isn't that troubling?

Gingrich: yes but the real test will be whether he nominates a Republican or a radical crazy centrist

Durbin: or like a human

Gregory: Rush or Colin - choose!

Gingrich: no i choose Reagan - he always tried to reach out the conservatives and white racists

Gregory: will you lose the Presidency in 2012?

Gingrich: i am seriously considering it

[ break ]

Gregory: talk terror to me

Todd: Obama is going to hold prisoners of war!!

Greogry: wow!

Todd: it's Gitmo On The Hudson!

Gregory: Cuba without the palm trees!

Todd: Attica Libre!

Robinson: doods the difference is that Obama will follow the law

Lowry: Obama has embraced the Bush anti-terror program

Robinson: no he hasn't sparkle boy

Lowry: he smeared torture tactics and he should be honest and admit conservatives are right about everything

Norris: it's amazing to me - Obama's not afraid of Cheney

Todd: Obama and Cheney have the same positions but people like Obama

Gregory: look Cheney has the final word - you can't compromise on brown people wanting to kill us!

Robinson: i heard you were a fucking hack

Gregory: [ combs hair ]

Robinson: Obama is rejecting Cheney in every way

Lowry: would we like a conservative spokesman with 70% approval but where is someone with that high approval?

Robinson: the White House

Lowry: [ sobs ]

Lowry: recall that back in 2002 we all wanted to torture - like I wanted to torture my little brother

Gregory: nancy pelosi says she didn't know - but whether she didn't or did why didn't she speak out!!??

Norris: dude you are making no sense

Gregory: she accused the CIA of lying!

Todd: they were all briefed on waterboarding but we all thought it was a ride at Epcot

Todd: Murtha blah blah

Lowry: Pelosi is clearly wounded by the false accusations against her

Gregory: right

Lowry: the fact that she didn't speak out proves that it isn't torture

Gregory: thus vindicating both Newt Gingirch and the Spanish Inquisition!

Torquemada: fuck yeah!

Gregory: what would justice be for Dick Cheney?

Robinson: too see him on trial in one of those glass booths like they gave Adolf Eichmann

Gregory: Dick in a box

Robinson: exactly

Gregory: is empathy the worst thing ever?

Norris: the Constitution is 200 years ago and the law is a river - it's wide and deep and choppy

Todd: he has to nominate centrist so he can reform health care

Gregory: that is so meta goatee boy

Lowry: as an expert on wanking i can tell you Republicans are frustrated that even businesses are on board with health reform

Gregory: so they are more determined to protect big businesses than businesses are

Lowry: the Life of a Lonely Fascist

Gregory: who do you choose - Rush or Colin?

Lowry: Cheney is an idiot - you need both in the GOP - the drug addicted obese lying hate-filled liars and the disgraced former generals who sold their souls to lie us into an unnecessary war

Gregory: makes sense to me
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