Meet The Press
May 24, 2009
Sen. Dick Durbin
Gregory: what are we going to do with all these terrorists at Gitmo - let's listen to President Cheney!!!
Durbin: may I remind you that dick's lies and fear mongering cost 4,000 American lives
Gregory: but harry reid says these super terrorists are too powerful to allow on american soil
Durbin: well who gives a shit what he thinks
Gingrich: do you want to protect America or adhere to basic values?
Gregory: how long do you want to keep Gitmo open?
Gingrich: until the war is over
Gregory: when does that happen
Gingrich: look it’s simple we just keep torturing people until hate for America disappears
Gregory: what about their super powers to convert other prisoners to jihad??
Durbin: hey even Bush wanted to close Gitmo
Gregory: what is the source for evidence that Gitmo increases terrorism??
Durbin: the U.S. military dood
Gregory: yeah but they invaded Iraq - how can you trust the US military?
Gingrich: look we were attacked on 9/11 before Gitmo these are bad poopyheaded people!!
Durbin: would like a blankie?
Gregory: these terrorists have crazy super abilities - one of them has the ability to throw television sets several feet through the air!!
Durbin: is there someone non-insane I can talk to?
Gingrich: did you know 9/11 was planned from Attica?
Gregory: oh my god - we have to close all prisons!
Durbin: I heard you were a moron
Newt: war blah terror blah bad guys blah magneto
Gregory: would you be ok with putting al qaeda in Illinois - which i might point out has many white people
Durbin: it's a supermax prison fluffyhead - not Disneyland
Obama: we should use common sense
Cheney: we should not give terrorists a nuclear weapon and a passport to America
Gingrich: Cheney is driven by guilt for allowing 9/11 to happen - after all he is responsible for 3,000 deaths
Gregory: well i sleep very well at night
Gingrich: also Obama is torturing people all the time
Gregory: no he isn't
Gingrich: that's relevant only if the truth matters
Gregory: has Obama kept us less safe
Gingrich: yes because Obama and Pelosi telling the truth is very threatening to the CIA
Gregory: good point
Gingrich: look do you want to protect America or do you want to tell the truth cause you can't have both
Durbin: oh fuck you and your fear mongering - George W Bush rejected Newt and Rush and Dick Cheney - Colin Powell agrees with Obama
Gingrich: look at the massacres of the Cole bombing and the Khobar Towers - we must be very very afraid
Gingrich: they almost took out a library in Los Angeles!!
Gregory: that is scary - I’ve been meaning to read a book someday
Gingrich: i belong to the political camp that says we must cower under our beds
Durbin: well there you have it - it's whiny ass titty baby bed wetting like that got us into Iraq
Gregory: isn't Obama just like Bush?
Gregory: [ grinning ] yes he is!
Durbin: you're a fucking idiot
Gregory: Newt you make vague unsupported accusations against Nancy Pelosi which are hypothetical and without foundation
Gingrich: that's right
Gregory: Durbin what about that?
Durbin: good god you are stupid
Gingrich: look it would be illegal to mislead Nancy Pelosi therefore it didn't happen
Gingrich: in my opinion whatever the truth is she should hold a press conference and say she was wrong
Gregory: regardless of whether it is true
Gingrich: right - because the CIA are putting lives on the line for America
Gregory: their lives?
Gingrich: no dummy the terrorists they killed while torturing them
Durbin: hey both Newt and Hoekstra said the CIA lied to them - should you apologize
Gingrich: no that's different that was a specific incident of the CIA lying
Durbin: so how is that different from Nancy Pelosi
Gingrich: she's a woman and you know who they are with their unclean times of the month would you want one in tank or foxhole with you
Gregory: are you saying she has cooties
Gingrich: Democrats drowned susan smith's children!!
Gregory: ok ok we'll move on crazy person
Gregory: Obama wants a Supreme Court nominee with heart - isn't that troubling?
Gingrich: yes but the real test will be whether he nominates a Republican or a radical crazy centrist
Durbin: or like a human
Gregory: Rush or Colin - choose!
Gingrich: no i choose Reagan - he always tried to reach out the conservatives and white racists
Gregory: will you lose the Presidency in 2012?
Gingrich: i am seriously considering it
[ break ]
Gregory: talk terror to me
Todd: Obama is going to hold prisoners of war!!
Todd: it's Gitmo On The Hudson!
Gregory: Cuba without the palm trees!
Todd: Attica Libre!
Robinson: doods the difference is that Obama will follow the law
Lowry: Obama has embraced the Bush anti-terror program
Robinson: no he hasn't sparkle boy
Lowry: he smeared torture tactics and he should be honest and admit conservatives are right about everything
Norris: it's amazing to me - Obama's not afraid of Cheney
Todd: Obama and Cheney have the same positions but people like Obama
Gregory: look Cheney has the final word - you can't compromise on brown people wanting to kill us!
Robinson: i heard you were a fucking hack
Gregory: [ combs hair ]
Robinson: Obama is rejecting Cheney in every way
Lowry: would we like a conservative spokesman with 70% approval but where is someone with that high approval?
Robinson: the White House
Lowry: [ sobs ]
Lowry: recall that back in 2002 we all wanted to torture - like I wanted to torture my little brother
Gregory: nancy pelosi says she didn't know - but whether she didn't or did why didn't she speak out!!??
Norris: dude you are making no sense
Gregory: she accused the CIA of lying!
Todd: they were all briefed on waterboarding but we all thought it was a ride at Epcot
Todd: Murtha blah blah
Lowry: Pelosi is clearly wounded by the false accusations against her
Lowry: the fact that she didn't speak out proves that it isn't torture
Gregory: thus vindicating both Newt Gingirch and the Spanish Inquisition!
Torquemada: fuck yeah!
Gregory: what would justice be for Dick Cheney?
Robinson: too see him on trial in one of those glass booths like they gave Adolf Eichmann
Gregory: Dick in a box
Gregory: is empathy the worst thing ever?
Norris: the Constitution is 200 years ago and the law is a river - it's wide and deep and choppy
Todd: he has to nominate centrist so he can reform health care
Gregory: that is so meta goatee boy
Lowry: as an expert on wanking i can tell you Republicans are frustrated that even businesses are on board with health reform
Gregory: so they are more determined to protect big businesses than businesses are
Lowry: the Life of a Lonely Fascist
Gregory: who do you choose - Rush or Colin?
Lowry: Cheney is an idiot - you need both in the GOP - the drug addicted obese lying hate-filled liars and the disgraced former generals who sold their souls to lie us into an unnecessary war
Gregory: makes sense to me