Sunday, May 24, 2009

Meet The Press with Dick Durbin and Newt Gingrich

Meet The Press
May 24, 2009
Sen. Dick Durbin
Newt Gingrich

Gregory: what are we going to do with all these terrorists at Gitmo - let's listen to President Cheney!!!

Durbin: may I remind you that dick's lies and fear mongering cost 4,000 American lives

Gregory: but harry reid says these super terrorists are too powerful to allow on american soil

Durbin: well who gives a shit what he thinks

Gingrich: do you want to protect America or adhere to basic values?

Gregory: how long do you want to keep Gitmo open?

Gingrich: until the war is over

Gregory: when does that happen

Gingrich: look it’s simple we just keep torturing people until hate for America disappears

Gregory: what about their super powers to convert other prisoners to jihad??

Durbin: hey even Bush wanted to close Gitmo

Gregory: what is the source for evidence that Gitmo increases terrorism??

Durbin: the U.S. military dood

Gregory: yeah but they invaded Iraq - how can you trust the US military?

Gingrich: look we were attacked on 9/11 before Gitmo these are bad poopyheaded people!!

Durbin: would like a blankie?

Gregory: these terrorists have crazy super abilities - one of them has the ability to throw television sets several feet through the air!!

Durbin: is there someone non-insane I can talk to?

Gingrich: did you know 9/11 was planned from Attica?

Gregory: oh my god - we have to close all prisons!

Durbin: I heard you were a moron

Newt: war blah terror blah bad guys blah magneto

Gregory: would you be ok with putting al qaeda in Illinois - which i might point out has many white people

Durbin: it's a supermax prison fluffyhead - not Disneyland


Obama: we should use common sense

Cheney: we should not give terrorists a nuclear weapon and a passport to America

Gingrich: Cheney is driven by guilt for allowing 9/11 to happen - after all he is responsible for 3,000 deaths

Gregory: well i sleep very well at night

Gingrich: also Obama is torturing people all the time

Gregory: no he isn't

Gingrich: that's relevant only if the truth matters

Gregory: has Obama kept us less safe

Gingrich: yes because Obama and Pelosi telling the truth is very threatening to the CIA

Gregory: good point

Gingrich: look do you want to protect America or do you want to tell the truth cause you can't have both

Durbin: oh fuck you and your fear mongering - George W Bush rejected Newt and Rush and Dick Cheney - Colin Powell agrees with Obama

Gingrich: look at the massacres of the Cole bombing and the Khobar Towers - we must be very very afraid

Gregory: indeed

Gingrich: they almost took out a library in Los Angeles!!

Gregory: that is scary - I’ve been meaning to read a book someday

Gingrich: i belong to the political camp that says we must cower under our beds

Durbin: well there you have it - it's whiny ass titty baby bed wetting like that got us into Iraq

Gregory: isn't Obama just like Bush?

Durbin: no

Gregory: [ grinning ] yes he is!

Durbin: you're a fucking idiot

Gregory: Newt you make vague unsupported accusations against Nancy Pelosi which are hypothetical and without foundation

Gingrich: that's right

Gregory: Durbin what about that?

Durbin: good god you are stupid

Gingrich: look it would be illegal to mislead Nancy Pelosi therefore it didn't happen

Gregory: right

Gingrich: in my opinion whatever the truth is she should hold a press conference and say she was wrong

Gregory: regardless of whether it is true

Gingrich: right - because the CIA are putting lives on the line for America

Gregory: their lives?

Gingrich: no dummy the terrorists they killed while torturing them

Durbin: hey both Newt and Hoekstra said the CIA lied to them - should you apologize

Gingrich: no that's different that was a specific incident of the CIA lying

Durbin: so how is that different from Nancy Pelosi

Gingrich: she's a woman and you know who they are with their unclean times of the month would you want one in tank or foxhole with you

Gregory: are you saying she has cooties

Gingrich: Democrats drowned susan smith's children!!

Gregory: ok ok we'll move on crazy person

Gregory: Obama wants a Supreme Court nominee with heart - isn't that troubling?

Gingrich: yes but the real test will be whether he nominates a Republican or a radical crazy centrist

Durbin: or like a human

Gregory: Rush or Colin - choose!

Gingrich: no i choose Reagan - he always tried to reach out the conservatives and white racists

Gregory: will you lose the Presidency in 2012?

Gingrich: i am seriously considering it

[ break ]

Gregory: talk terror to me

Todd: Obama is going to hold prisoners of war!!

Greogry: wow!

Todd: it's Gitmo On The Hudson!

Gregory: Cuba without the palm trees!

Todd: Attica Libre!

Robinson: doods the difference is that Obama will follow the law

Lowry: Obama has embraced the Bush anti-terror program

Robinson: no he hasn't sparkle boy

Lowry: he smeared torture tactics and he should be honest and admit conservatives are right about everything

Norris: it's amazing to me - Obama's not afraid of Cheney

Todd: Obama and Cheney have the same positions but people like Obama

Gregory: look Cheney has the final word - you can't compromise on brown people wanting to kill us!

Robinson: i heard you were a fucking hack

Gregory: [ combs hair ]

Robinson: Obama is rejecting Cheney in every way

Lowry: would we like a conservative spokesman with 70% approval but where is someone with that high approval?

Robinson: the White House

Lowry: [ sobs ]

Lowry: recall that back in 2002 we all wanted to torture - like I wanted to torture my little brother

Gregory: nancy pelosi says she didn't know - but whether she didn't or did why didn't she speak out!!??

Norris: dude you are making no sense

Gregory: she accused the CIA of lying!

Todd: they were all briefed on waterboarding but we all thought it was a ride at Epcot

Todd: Murtha blah blah

Lowry: Pelosi is clearly wounded by the false accusations against her

Gregory: right

Lowry: the fact that she didn't speak out proves that it isn't torture

Gregory: thus vindicating both Newt Gingirch and the Spanish Inquisition!

Torquemada: fuck yeah!

Gregory: what would justice be for Dick Cheney?

Robinson: too see him on trial in one of those glass booths like they gave Adolf Eichmann

Gregory: Dick in a box

Robinson: exactly

Gregory: is empathy the worst thing ever?

Norris: the Constitution is 200 years ago and the law is a river - it's wide and deep and choppy

Todd: he has to nominate centrist so he can reform health care

Gregory: that is so meta goatee boy

Lowry: as an expert on wanking i can tell you Republicans are frustrated that even businesses are on board with health reform

Gregory: so they are more determined to protect big businesses than businesses are

Lowry: the Life of a Lonely Fascist

Gregory: who do you choose - Rush or Colin?

Lowry: Cheney is an idiot - you need both in the GOP - the drug addicted obese lying hate-filled liars and the disgraced former generals who sold their souls to lie us into an unnecessary war

Gregory: makes sense to me


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

i watched some of this crap while trying to outlive cheney by using the elliptical machine at the gym. from now on i will read your summaries which are excellent in that they better capture reality than reality does...

T4TN said...

Durbin: I heard you were a moronI'd just about give up my house to hear those words said toward any of these pseudo-serious idiots.

Sorry if I sound like a drooling 14 year old American Idol fan but thank're a life saver.

So funny and so apt.

Anonymous said...

Sigh. It's sad--but still funny--when parody reflects reality better than its target.

Anonymous said...

I stopped watching the Sunday am freakshows years ago, waiting much too long to do so. Now you are so being added to my bookmark list it isn't funny. A real honor I assure you.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant! Thank you.

dan mcenroe said...

Gregory: that is scary - I’ve been meaning to read a book someday

Also: Torquemada: Fuck yeah!


Anonymous said...

lol - i too will skip the weekly pukefests and get caught up here. it captures the exact sentiment and is way faster.

Flux said...

this was lulz and briefly brightened my day. (well, night, now. but same thing.) carry on.


Anonymous said...

Laughing out loud is a precious commodity these days. Thank you for providing it to me and mine!


PS: I hate blogger. Why can't they make a comments section that is so hard to navigate that I have to leave it as Anonymous...? Fuck all.

Anonymous said...

Very funny and just what I needed after watching that HORRIBLE tv show. Gregory is completely useless as an interviewer. Durbin was weak. Gingrich was completely full of B.S...either he's insane or a pathological liar or a brazen con man.

Thanks for confirming to the audience that we are not the crazy ones.

- Beltline Betty

IndieTarheel said...

Love the recap - keeps me from having to watch the real thing. Many thanks.