Sunday, May 31, 2009

Meet the Press - May 31, 2009

Host: David Gregory
Guests:
Sen. Patrick Leahy, Chair Judiciary Committee
Sen. Jeff Sessions, Judiciary Committee
Jim Owens - CEO Caterpiller
Anne Mulcahy - CEO Xerox
Eric Schmidt - CEO Google
********************************
Gregory: let's start our discussion of Sonia Sotomayor by adopting Republican talking
points in their entirety

Leahy: of course

Gregory: if you look at her statements about wise latinas it looks like they are quite innocuous
- so is this terrible??

Sessions: yes it's very troubling - judges are supposed to be vampires not latin queens

Gregory: let us quote Rush Limbaugh some more

Leahy: of course

Gregory: is Sotomayor is a bigot and a racist?

Leahy: um right

Gregory: Rush Limbaugh says she is like David Duke which we must take very seriously

Sessions: she said being a woman and latina would affect her view of the law which is outrageous
no white man would ever do that

Gregory: Justice Taney was actually an
alien from the planet Xenu

Leahy: let's face it - Rush Limbaugh is
the leader of the GOP

Sessions: [ sobs ]

Leahy: she went to Yale and became a prosecutor she's not a member of the Ku Klux Klan

Sessions: that's true - I never saw her at
any of the meetings

Leahy: she's had many years of experience
and is very qualified

Gregory: i don't want to talk about that -- I want
to talk about the nonsensical ravings
of Rush Limbaugh

Leahy: the stories about you being a moron
were in no way exagerrated

Gregory: Judge Alito talked about his Italian heritage

Sessions: well white men should be encouraged to have empathy for the little regular people

Gregory: if we can find any

Sessions: exactly it's so rare

Gregory: according to her decision
in the Ricci case she hates all white firefighters

Leahy: that was judicial restraint which
the GOP always says they want

Sessions: yeah but some Hispanic guy
said she was wrong

Gregory: i thought race didn't matter

Sessions: tell that to Clarence Thomas

Gregory: When he was a Senator Obama
said ideology matters - which is it?

Leahy: i can only speak for myself - but i think we should have a hearing before Newt tweets from Dachau that she wants to prevent Christians
from owning guns

Sessions: oooh good one

[ scribbles talking point down ]

Leahy: we have to work the hearings around the major hispanic holidays like the Festival of the Dead and Hate Whitey day

Sessions: I think we should give her a fair hearing before we accuse her of legislating from the bench based on the Ricci case where she let the local government actions stand

Gregory: good luck with that

[ break ]

Gregory: OMG GM is going bankrupt
this is bad for America

Owens: they couldn't sell cars too damm bad

Gregory: is going bankrupt a bad idea?

Mulcahy: my keen business sense says yes

Gregory: aha!

Mulcahy: but unavoidable

Gregory: can the US still be the best in manufacturing?

Schmidt: yes we can lead the world
in blogging, tweeting, and LOLCATs

Gregory: have we heard from Obama when they
are going to finally adopt failed Republican policies??

Schmidt: we've got have smaller government
and have more rules to prevent businesses failing

Gregory: the government running
a car company is a scary prospect!

Owens: compete blah costs blah profits blah blah

Mulcahy: Once GM can tell its older workers to fuck off they will be on the road to prosperity

Gregory: yay!

Gregory: can we have a market bubble back??

Schmidt: this is a classic recovery -
unemployment is going to peak in 2010

Gregory: awesome

Mulcahy: the big question is can we get people
back to photocopying again!

Gregory: well people are copying lots of
resumes and bankruptcy filings

Mulcahy: thank god!

Owens: The Michael Scott Paper company
has severely cut into our business!

Gregory: can you still make money in America?

Owens: sadly no

Mulcahy: r u kidding?

Gregory: what are the top searches on Google?

Schmidt: susan boyle, funny cats and penis enlargement

Gregory: ha you read my mind!

Gregory: stimulus package?

Owens: it's awesome but we need more

Gregory: China is overstimulating!!

Mulcahy: it's all that MSG

Gregory: I'm very frightened by what's next

Owens: we're hoping to sell more earth movers to Israel

Mulcahy: we need to think about our lifestyles
and whether we are copying enough documents

Schmidt: America will recover faster than other nations because of our superior online maps

Gregory: will you be my Google Wave Friend?

Schmidt: no

Gregory: will wealth return??

Mulcahy: it’s still not safe to eat caviar it’s gauche

Owens: i'm already rich - i just want to be richer

Schmidt: California's problems are unique
- people there are selfish and short-sighted

Gregory: oh thank god that's not
like the rest of the U.S.

Gregory: what's the deal with women in business?

Mulcahy: we have a deep bench - watch out fluffyhaid!

[ break ]

Gregory: you were allowed the Obama white house!

Williams: I for one think our viewers
will welcome our new Negro Overlords

Gregory: and our Wise Latina Justices!

Williams: indeed

Gregory: Sessions is very troubled by her hispanic empathyness

Kay: i heard you were a moron

Gregory: huh?

Kay: oh pleez he praised Alito for having empathy
- this is all bullshit

Gregory: women in business?

Kay: we've moved beyond shoulder pads

Gregory: i liked the shoulder pads

Gregory: what is the Obama White House like?

Williams: he runs from room to room eating all the white M&Ms

Gregory: oh my
*********************************

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I lost it over this bit of genius, laughed so hard I couldn't breathe:

Leahy: she went to Yale and
became a prosecutor she's not
a member of the Ku Klux Klan

Sessions: that's true - I never
saw her at any of the meetings

Thanks for doing this, you've given me back hours every Sunday.

spooked said...

David Gregory makes me nauseous

Pharmakeus Ubik said...

Are you by any chance a translator for the UN? You've rendered their gibberish into English flawlessly.

M. Bouffant said...

Lettin' the air out of the Sabbath gasbags!!

You should try one of those "xtranormal.com" bobblehead movies.

Hell, I might try it myself if you've no time. (Not that likely, but I'll let you know if I do.)

Keep up the good work, & all other applicable cliches.

Wek said...

I used to hope Gregory and Matthews would end up getting canned, but now that I found Bobblespeak that's the last thing I wish to happen.

Seamus Furr said...

This is superior. Did you actually have to watch MTP to get your ideas? If so, God bless your heart.

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