Sunday, May 10, 2009

Meet The Press - May 10, 2009

Meet The Press
May 10, 2009
Asif Ali Zardari of Pakistan
Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan
Gregory: can the Taliban take down Pakistan?

Zardari: what goes up must come down

Gregory: which is more dangerous the Taliban or India?

Zardari: Simon Cowell

Gregory: is it America's war or Pakistan's war?

Zardari: it's our problem - but one which you created

Gregory: how many troops do you have fighting the Taliban

Zardari: more than you do dipshit

Gregory: so why not have more?

Zardari: well they're not all soldiers - there's the band and choir and glee club

Gregory: the US Congress thinks that you suck

Zardari: oh fuck those assholes

Gregory: do you have any strategy?

Zardari: yes - get America to step up and win this war

Gregory: what else

Zardari: support democracy and the system

Gregory: that's how you defeat a violent insurgency??

Zardari: hey it's all I got - you got any better ideas fluffyhead?

Gregory: it seems like you're not doing a very good job

Zardari: well let me respond this way - fuck you

Gregory: did you make a deal with the Taliban?

Zardari: hey howie mandel had me down to 2 briefcases - I had no choice

Gregory: did you appease the Taliban?

Zardari: Parliament made me do it

Gregory: what is you fucking plan?

Zardari: we have a long-term plan to lose to the Taliban

Gregory: I must tell you sir that some people see the Pakistani state collapsing

Zardari: hey anything could happen - but we outnumber the insurgents

Gregory: that's it??

Zardari: we need the whole world to get together and win this thing!

Gregory: who's side on you really on??

Zardari: give me more money than AIG and I will
tell you the answer

Gregory: but you support the Taliban as an anti-India buffer

Zardari: damm right

Gregory: but that’s appeasement

Zardari: hey motherfucker you supported a dictator who
imprisoned me and killed my wife

Gregory: do you have any power in your own country?

Zardari: i don't know

Gregory: who the fuck is in charge of Pakistan

Zardari: i am - in strong consultation with the military

Gregory: it seems like they order you around

Zardari: you're very rude - you should give me money and i will
tell you whatever you want to hear

Gregory: I’m sorry that was pre-Obama

Zardari: fuck

Gregory: Attack of the drones?

Zardari: i want my own toy drones dammit

Gregory: where is Osama?

Zardari: he's like Patrick Swayze in Ghost or Obi Wan Kenobi - more powerful dead than alive

Gregory: he's really not dead as long as we remember him

Zardari: like Spock

Greggers: exactly Ali

[ break ]

Gregory: your country sucks - it is too little, too late to save your nation?

Karzai: ah i recall when the international community came to us in 2001

Gregory: the invasion?

Karzai: ah yes

Gregory: so it is too late?

Karzai: ah yes your Bush is quite a fuck-up

Gregory: since Obama became President i just became concerned about civilian casualties

Karzai: ah yes I noticed that

Gregory: so

Karzai: please stop bombing our villages thank you

Gregory: why is it that this issue bothers you so much?

Karzai: the dead children - ah well that's just the people you know how they are

Gregory: is your country pathetic and fucked?

Karzai: no not all we have many students studying abroad

Gregory: were you wrong about the Taliban being fucked

Karzai: ah no no

Gregory: but they are back and better than ever!

Karzai: ah but in 2001 they ran the country and no they only run most of the country

Gregory: can we reconcile with some of the Taliban?

Karzai: just regular Taliban we want to reconcile with - but the al qaeda-types - those we don't like

Gregory: can Pakistan defeat the Taliban

Karzai: sure

Gregory: do you have confidence in that guy I just interviewed

Karzai: that chump - not really

Gregory: do you hate America just because we kill civilians every day

Karzai: oh no, not all - why would you think that dancing dave

Gregory: gee i don't know

Karzai: i have a very pro-American message - why do think I am sitting through this horrible interview?

Gregory: why don't you love us?

Karzai: because the US is killing our children

Gregory: are you calling the US immoral??

Karzai: no no no not all - I am calling your actions immoral

Gregory: ah

Gregory: well we're America so we can't do anything wrong of course

Karzai: yes but you should aim for a higher morality than the terrorists - do you see my point fluffyhead?

Gregory: yeah but we're fighting really, really bad supervillians

Karzai: ah of course that goes without saying - but eventually we will get fed up with you and your asshole ways

Gregory: the media aren't that bad

Karzai: i meant the bombing stupid

Gregory: did you sign a law giving men permission to rape the wives?

Karzai: i signed the law but to be fair I thought i was banning gay marriage

Gregory: so how will you rewrite the law?

Karzai: hey dude I'm not a dictator it has to go through legal processes

Gregory: well that sounds inefficient - you should try it the American way

[ break ]

Gregory: why is Pakistan so fucking scary?

Coll: they have nukes, Taliban, and a lot of crazies

Mitchell: we keep telling them to stop obsessing with India and go after the enemy we care about

Gregory: bad things happen there

Mitchell: they have a big rivalry it fucks them up

Coll: Karzai and Zadari seem like nice guys but let's face it they're detached and kind of out of touch with reality

Gregory: what is victory in a land war in Asia?

Mitchell: Hopefully we don't get nuked by terrorists

Gregory: dream big

Mitchell: or at least only a non-American city like Juneau or Honolulu

Coll: We need stability which comes from Pakistani peace with India

Gregory: why can't we kick more Al Qaeda ass???!!!

Mitchell: we need to rebuild both countries and also get a hold of their nukes

Gregory: does the US public have the stomach for more war - which I love?

Coll: they're going to have to

Gregory: well good - and now some funny clips of me dancing with karl rove

Mitchell: hee hee you're no john travolta but you can cut a rug


ZenYenta said...

You know, I've only been reading this blog for couple of weeks. Comparing the blog to actually watching the shows - my Sunday mornings are now free! You may be funny, but you paraphrase them so very well. Thank you so much.

Anonymous said...

This is priceless:

Gregory: where is Osama?

Zardari: he's like Patrick Swayze in Ghost or Obi Wan Kenobi - more powerful dead than alive

Gregory: he's really not dead as long as we remember him

Zardari: like Spock

Greggers: exactly Ali



j said...

My god, this is like Achewood reads the news. Which is to say awesome.